In the soft light of the lantern, I watched Ren, racked with heaving breaths, recede behind his own stoic wall. When his eyes focused, it was as if the moment had been erased. "I'm sorry," he said.
"For what?"
"For making you uncomfortable."
The very crux of his statement saddened me. Sinking into the depths of such pleasure with Ren had only made me want more. Knowing it was useless to go farther, worlds apart in every attribute of our existence, I wanted more.
"Okay," I mumbled offhandedly.
I grabbed the front of his shirt, balled it in my fist, and pulled him into me. His disbelief was short-lived as I stoked the heat between us. There was nothing friendly about our kiss. It was frantic and timeless, defying proper definition.
Rules and boundaries had kept us blind to one another. Now was our time, even if it was fated to an abrupt end. Here, we could caress and nibble. He could suck my neck between his teeth, tantalizing my flesh with the tip of his tongue. I could close my eyes and run my hands through his wavy mane while kissing each scar scattered across the powerful muscles of his chest. We could explore the range of our passion without recourse.
Walls were a concept that no longer applied to us. Its definition had been wiped clean, waiting for us to reinvent it like a bloom forming on the wind.
I slid his shirt over his head, helping to pull it free without tugging on his bandages. This simple act fueled his lust. Ren shifted, resting his weight on his knees, crawling towards me like a wild animal on the prowl. I was forced backward, resting on my elbows, as he hovered above. Our eyes locked. Did he see prey, or a predator pretending to be the prey, drawing him nearer?
The inclination to want him near, to see him safe, had built a foundation of need that I had successfully ignored. Until now. In this moment of raw confession, it felt perfect to want Ren so completely.
Stroking my fingers down his sides, I found his waistband and unbuttoned his pants. My hands slid inside, cupping the heat of him hard against the material. His hot breath quaked across the tender flesh just below my ear. Energy roiled between us as he wrestled to control the explosive need to caress and kiss every piece of me.
He barely contained himself from ripping my shirt off. I unsnapped my black bra quickly, not wanting to risk it being damaged under the pulse of his maddening desire. He grinned as he caught me flinging it out of range.
Shedding his pants and underwear, Ren pressed the length of his warm body against me. The soft lighting underscored each scar and imperfection, causing a startling ascension into the predator lurking behind those guarded eyes. The noise of my zipper between his fingers brushed the inside of my skull, a dark promise of intentions. He played along the line of my underwear, daring to go farther. I squirmed as he sucked my bottom lip, gliding his hands down my back, only stopping when he held my ass in a powerful grip, the pressure of my pants constricting us together.
Teasing, Ren slid my pants down agonizingly slow. I wanted them to disappear, to feel him against me. I would have discarded them myself if the torrent of kisses encircling my stomach hadn't left me gasping in pleasure. The lower he dared, the faster my heart sped, pleading he never stop. His breath tickled the sensitive skin of my inner thighs, making it ache each second his lips left my body.
Unable to control myself, I arched my back, my flesh tingling with the ever-growing need to feel him closer. Sensing my restlessness, Ren slid up my body, interchanging the silky feel of his lips with the rough patch of stubble on his chin along the way. All too soon and ions from when I thought I couldn't wait one second longer, we were eye to eye. His heat was better than any campfire. I felt the pressure of him between my thighs. My hips reacted, calling to him. Before I could tease again, he slid inside. His heartbeat pounded into my breasts as he panted in my ear. I traced his jawline blithely, resting my hands on either side of his face, just below his ears. And I kissed him deeply as he thrust inside me, coercing a low moan from my lips. Finding a rhythm together, I unleashed hedonistic noises that he greedily inhaled kiss by kiss.
Winding my legs around his waist, I licked his throat from his Adam's apple to the tip of his chin, provoking his cadence to peak. Just as he was working us into a climax, I rolled him onto his back and fell still. Trapping his sweaty, breathtaking shape between my legs, I waited for him to open his eyes. He had let go of every care in his world but me. I knew this as he stared into my soul, craving defeat. Ready to abandon everything.
Everything but us.
I wiggled my hips, riding him slowly at first, making him enjoy every subtle shift and gyration. Each motion drew a rumble from deep in his throat, causing me to work for another, then another. I wanted to hear his pleasure. I wanted every part of him to surrender between my legs, to drag me with him into euphoria.
As our pace quickened, he seized my thighs in his strong hands and drove himself as deep as my body would consume him. We surrendered, bucking. Spasming. My muscles tremored to the core.
Rendered mute, Ren stared up into my eyes. A dazed expression dueled with an undercurrent of deeper thoughts. Secrets and fears had never assumed such a perverse allure. He released his grip on my legs, though anything more seemed impossible.
"Did I hurt your shoulder?" My fingers brushed the sensitive area around his bandages, and he couldn't have felt rarer under my touch than petting the endling of a species. The last of something precious.
"I didn't hear you complaining about that knee."
Rolling off, I reached for my clothes. He was right. My knee and any other pain, past or present, had dissolved under the scrutiny of Ren's attention. I felt nothing more than a faint hum lulling my muscles into submission.
Ren stood with uncertain balance and held his hand out. "Shower?"
I dropped my clothes and allowed him to help me up. Silently, I cursed the sobering return of the unwelcome pain in my leg.
"A warm shower will help," he mused, reading my tense body.
We kissed once more, the toned muscles of his chest pushing against the supple form of my breasts. Rough abandon gave way to something gentler. I melted into his cradle of affection, unable to halt the thought that losing Ren was inevitable. It would be a world-ender. An apocalypse of the heart sounded much deadlier than watching the world thrash in a fitful sleep.
He opened the thin door by the couch, revealing a bathroom. There was an actual toilet and sink, along with a square shower. Clear panels on the ceiling and sides of the shower seamlessly transitioned to the natural world beyond. Before we hopped in, Ren closed a set of horizontal wooden shutters. The glow of moonlight shined down upon our naked bodies through the ceiling, giving the impression of a dream.
"That's a skylight," he informed me nonchalantly. Turning my attention to the showerhead, he said, "The water is being pumped from farther away. It will take a minute after I turn the nob."
It was worth the wait. After Ren twisted it, warm water was delivered right to us. It felt like Gaia's good graces washing over my tired bones.
Ren stood behind me, kissing my shoulders. He made no move to ask for more. He was content to rub soap over my lumps and bruises, and I did the same for him. Of course, we soon found ourselves tangled, kissing madly under the blue glow of the sky's lantern long after Ren had turned the water off. We only broke free when shivers crept up our spines.
He gave me a shirt to sleep in after I toweled off, completely dry except for my hair. And we were soon tucked into the fluffy bed after putting a few logs on the fire. I was impressed by how well his home held the warmth. There was no need for a larger fire or it would have been overwhelming, he had noted. It seemed he was right.
I pulled my hair back at the base of my neck with a string and tied it. When I reclined, the bed formed around my body. It was distressful. I felt as though the bed was trying to swallow me whole. Ren laughed, but it was uncomfortable to flail under a heavy blanket when I felt as though I was sinking.
"This might help." He tossed the bulky
assailant to the floor and pulled the crocheted blanket over us. "Better?"
"Maybe." It was, but I was too aggravated to agree. Taking a deep breath, I relaxed, trying to focus on the warm room and Ren beside me rather than the terrible bed. As I calmed, my thoughts wandered to the conversation I had shared with Dr. Lowel earlier. The image of my blood vial disappearing into her pocket. The expression she struggled to hide when Ren interrupted us.
Ren rolled onto his side, facing me. One arm hung lax across my waist. He was so close, I was almost shocked that he couldn't hear my thoughts. My damning thoughts. I debated whether to mention anything before bed or not. Rubbing my thumb against my forefinger, as I always did when I was worried or nervous, apparently drew his attention.
"Say it or we'll never get to sleep." His voice was husky, the prospect of sleep daring it to rise above a murmur.
"You might not want to know."
"Maybe not," he yawned, "but it's better to ask forgiveness-"
"Than court disaster," I finished the adage.
"That's not the saying at all," he ventured. Channeling a more serious tone, he moved his hand from around my waist, resting it, instead, along the long line of his body. "Tell me."
"I let Dr. Lowel take a sample of my blood."
This undeniably roused his attention. Opening his eyes, he asked, "Why?" trying not to sound as concerned as I felt.
"It might be special. I'm not sure how she knows or why she believes that, but it is different… I'm different."
"In what way?"
"In the same way you were wondering how I can be exposed to the sick and not be affected."
"A natural immunity?"
"Maybe," I answered in a 'not likely' tone.
"Maybe not?"
He sat up, propping his back against the wall behind the bed. I immediately mirrored his action. Leaning forward, I bent my good leg towards my body.
After a long pause, I asked him to light the oil lamp. He fumbled for a match. The tiny glow enveloped us. I tugged the back of my borrowed shirt up, holding it above my right shoulder blade. When I raised my arm, it exposed a monstrous, jagged scar on the meat of my arm just above my armpit, close to my back. Ren inhaled sharply, tracing the circular pattern.
"Teeth marks," he whispered.
I nodded once, refusing to look up.
Ren's fingers ran the full length of my arm, stopping just short of the newer bite around my wrist. He tenderly grabbed my arm, turning it to see the impression better under the haze of the lamp. Tracing back to the older bite, he asked, "Is this why your right hand is weaker than your left?"
"Yes. It damaged the nerves."
So he had noticed. I wanted to ask how, but the question seemed unimportant as I quickly weighed it against the secret I was about to tell him.
"When did this happen?"
Shaking my arm free of him, I thought into my past, though I rarely opened the door to this particular memory.
"One growing season, I was staying with the Fort Townsend Clanship, known by some as Jane's People. I don't particularly know why. The short time I was there, I never met anyone by that name. I never met most of the residents, preferring to keep to the fringe. But there was a woman…" I never liked saying her name out loud. I felt as though saying her name would conjure the love I had for her, only bringing more hurt.
Ren began to wave me off, to tell me I didn't have to say more, but I did. I needed to.
"Her name was Bea. She was very old, but not in spirit. She liked to cook for me, and we would often forage together when I was visiting. She liked to sing. Sometimes I would sleep in her home, but mostly I'd stay just outside the clanship." Looking past the piece of blanket between my fingers, I sighed. It helped to close my eyes, to ward away the tears. Sounding like a calculating monster was better than letting the fear from that day into my heart again.
Had it ever really left?
"The sickness came before there ever was such a thing. Before anyone knew to heed the warnings of the signs. Confusion. Starving, even with food everywhere, because nothing tastes like food anymore. Insomnia, until you're driven mad by demands your body no longer understands."
"And it killed Bea's clanship," Ren concluded.
I met his gaze. "No. Five people fell ill, Bea amongst them. All five lost their minds. All five died. Bea attacked me in her home. I was reaching for a knife when she ripped a chunk of my flesh loose." I rubbed at the scar on the underside of my arm. "When I turned around, a bloody piece of my skin was hanging from her mouth, and she was crying. Not because she had hurt me. Because she couldn't taste it." Tears welled. "She was starving to death, even as the heart of a monster grew inside her, consuming everything. For two days, I watched her wail as she shoveled dirt and spoiled fruit into her mouth, only to throw it up. She chewed a piece of her skirt until it was so thick I thought she'd choke on it as she crammed it down her own throat. And when I'd offer her milk or water, she would smack it out of my hand. I found her drinking urine from a chamber pot instead."
"It was best, then, that the sickness took her."
My words were thick and slow. "It wasn't the sickness. There was this moment. It came days later. After never-ending screeching throughout the clanship, and fires eating everything we had planted. After falling asleep to screams and waking up to screams, everyone fighting for a piece of sanity, there came this moment. Bea was huddled in the corner, breaking her fingernails along the wall, and then…the moment. Silence. She looked up, searching the room for me. She smiled, for the first time since the sickness. It was Bea. She smiled and told me she would always love me." I curled my good knee into my chest, though it didn't help the chill seeping into my heart. "Just as quickly, her eyes glazed over and she began scraping what was left of her fingernails down her hollowed cheeks. Blood dripped onto her shoes, and she bent over to lick them. I took the knife from the kitchen and drove it through her back." Closing my eyes, I could still see her tiny frame doubled over. "We were both monsters that day."
It had taken every piece of me to end her pain, knowing I would carry it for her until the day I go back to the earth. Maybe long after.
While I cried in Ren's arms, I was reminded of the song the woman sang in the village. Though I'd locked it from my mind, my heart had opened the door. It was the same song Bea would sing as she cooked dinner, which was impossible. It was a family song, passed down by her mother.
Squeezing me tightly, Ren quietly asked, "What happened to the clan?"
"They disappeared."
"What do you mean?"
I shrugged. "I woke early one morning and walked to the clanship. Everyone was gone. The bodies of the sick had been gathered in the middle of the clanship and burned."
Ren went still.
"I know." I squeezed his arm, thinking about the twelve burnt bodies Ren laid to rest. "Graham told me."
I thought he would be angry at Graham for speaking his ugly truths. Or angry with me for not telling him that I knew. But he wasn't. He hugged me tighter.
"When was this, when you first encountered the sickness?"
Resting my head against his chest, I listened for his heartbeat. It comforted that queasy feeling in my gut. "Fourteen-I-think."
"I thought you hadn't encountered the sickness until much later."
"Only that once, but it was different. Now it comes in waves, and it doesn't stop at five. It never stops."
We sat together for a while as my tears slowly dried up. Crying had felt silly and awful and gratifying all at the same time.
"Don't give Dr. Lowel anymore of your blood until we know more."
"But if it helps-"
"You don't know who it's helping right now. Until we do, it's not a good idea."
We scooted back down in the bed, my head resting on his shoulder.
"She said it might help you."
Ren shook his head. "You asked before if I cared about myself. I do. Of course, I do. It's the limitations of this body I can't stand."
"Maybe I can help you. Dr. Lowel said-"
"No. I hate living in a world tailored against me, but I won't live in a world without you."
"You already do." I breathed a heavy sigh. The village was no place for me and we both knew it. Ren spoke serious words of togetherness and forever as if he had control of either. I didn't even need two hands to count the days we had known each other, yet he was ready to sacrifice every tomorrow for me. Because I secretly felt the same way, I wouldn't allow it.
Without further discussion, we laid in the dark, pretending to sleep. The fast rhythm of his heart gave him away. He could no more fall asleep than grow a second nose. But I didn't have anything settling to say, so I kept quiet, my arm extended across his upper chest, enabling my fingers to nest at the base of his wavy hair.
What were we going to do?
If not for the end of the world, I could have found a home in this man's heart.
Sleep overtook us both at an unknown hour. It wasn't until Graham banged on the door that our problems boomeranged right through my skull.
Chapter Eleven
"What?" Ren yelled at the door. "It can't be that late." His voice was groggy and razer-sharp.
Graham continued banging. The noise rattled a tiny headache into existence between my eyes.
Ren threw a boot at the door. It crashed with a thud. "Get away from the door or the next boot lands upside your head."
Unlike Ren, I took Graham's wakeup call seriously. Sliding into my clothes, I strapped my homemade sandals to my feet and promptly sprinted to the door. Graham's eyes were round. His demeanor was totally undone. Not at all the relaxed, gentle soul from the day before.
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