by Sara Summers
We faced off with each other, each on opposing branches of trees right next to each other.
“Play?” my panther whispered to his, speaking into his mind.
“No.” Jordie-panther whispered back. “Danger.”
“I’m no danger.” My panther growled. “Mate.”
“Danger.” Panther-Jordie insisted.
My panther flicked her tail in the air before leaping to another tree. She dropped to the snowy ground and took off running. Panther-Jordie had hurt her feelings by telling her she was dangerous, so she ran from him. She didn’t think he would bother to chase her.
But, she heard him following. He ran behind her, going her pace though she knew he could move faster if he wanted to.
She wanted him to stop following her, so she leapt onto a tree and hurried to slip quietly from one branch to another, until she was far off the trail he had led her on.
When she stopped to sit down in the resting place between branches, however, he was on a tree next to her.
“Stay away.” She hissed. “Hurt.”
“No. Protect.” He whispered back, his words tickling her mind. “Mate.”
“Bad mate.” She growled and stepped backward, finding a new perch to rest in that would be a little safer. “Hurt me.”
Panther-Jordie winced, jumping over to her tree. She hissed at him but didn’t get up.
“Accident.” He frowned. “Want to protect, not hurt.”
“Play.” My panther insisted.
“Protect.” He shook his head.
My panther growled and jumped out of the tree, heading back to Jordie’s car. She wanted what he didn’t, and as she had told him, that hurt her.
She shifted back into me, and I slipped into the car to pull my clothes back on. Jordie came in a few minutes later, doing the same thing.
We drove back to the apartment without speaking a word to each other.
Chapter 5
I filled the tub with hot water, then slipped inside and leaned against the back. I wanted to groan, it felt so good.
I did what Dr. Leah had ordered. She was my best friend, and if I didn’t give her advice a chance she wouldn’t be thrilled. I soaked for long enough that my shoulders were well-softened, and the rest of me relaxed as well.
Letting go of my panther’s painful memories of the forest, I closed my eyes and tried to figure out how I really felt.
I warred with myself for twenty minutes or so.
Did I really want Jordie to want me, or was I just desperate for love? Did I want him to open up to me? Was I sure I wanted to know whatever he was determined to hide?
My panther butted in after a while, and all she said was this:
“Be patient. He is good, he just doesn’t know it.”
I wanted to curse at her, but she was a part of me. Since self-hatred had never gotten me anywhere, I didn’t bother with it. Instead, I pushed my upset feelings away and tried to relax once again.
When I got out of the tub, I yawned. Leah told me to write in a journal, but I decided to save that for the next day. Jordie always managed to wake me up early when he was leaving, and it was already pretty late at night.
I wrapped a towel around myself and walked out to my suitcase. I was so busy trying to decide whether or not Jordie would be upset if I didn’t wear pants that night that I didn’t realize the bedroom door was wide open, and that Jordie was standing in the doorway.
I really didn’t want to wear pants.
When I finally looked up from the suitcase, about to pull the towel off, I gasped.
“Don’t creep up on me like that.” I complained.
“I’ve been standing here the whole time.” He lifted an eyebrow.
“Well apparently I’m losing my panther-ness.” I folded my arms, and he stared at me. My insides warmed up, but I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. Jordie wasn’t going to start anything, and my pride insisted I wait for him to make the first move, at least when it came to our physical relationship.
I could handle running the emotional side of things, or at least trying to, but I was not going to take charge of every single aspect of our relationship.
“Are you going to stand there the whole time?” I asked, starting to pull my towel off.
“I’m going.” He stepped backward, closing the door behind him. I’d seen the fire in his eyes, though. He wanted me even if he wouldn’t admit it.
I pulled a big t-shirt on over my head before going out to grab my kindle. I had to charge it or I’d die the next day when I got tired of Pinterest.
I bent over to pick it up, and when I stood, I saw Jordie’s eyes trained on me. His fist was clenched around the red pen he was holding, and his other hand held a stack of papers so tight that his fingers were completely white.
A wave of desire ripped through me, and I fought to prevent myself from acting on it. I still didn’t know him hardly at all, beside what I’d figured out based on his actions. Plus, I was determined not to be the first to make a physical move, other than the basics of just throwing myself on top of him in bed.
Okay, that sounds more intense than it really was. I would roll on him, not throw myself at him.
Anyway.
When the desire morphed into a desperate need to feel his arms around me, to know that he wanted me for more than just some ridiculous urge to protect me. I was tired of feeling like just some girl he had to babysit, so I stepped toward him.
“Screw pride.” I muttered, my heart pounding as I closed the distance between us. All thoughts of waiting for him to lead the relationship flew out the window as I joined him on the couch.
I sat on his lap, my legs pressing into his sides. His hands went to my waist, and he closed his eyes.
“Sav.” He groaned.
“Why don’t you want me?” I whispered, the pressure of the need pounding down on me. “What am I missing?”
He yanked me against his chest, holding my body to his with one hand and reaching up to cup my neck with his other hand.
“You have everything.” He whispered, an edge of growl to his voice. “You are everything.”
“Make me believe it.” I grabbed his face and pressed my lips to his. He groaned when our mouths touched, and I arched my body closer to his; I just wanted to be closer. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, but I knew without a sliver of doubt that I wanted Jordie.
He was my missing piece, and I thought maybe that meant he could turn me back into a full block of cheese. Being a mushy crumb really sucked.
I’d like to say that we took things slow and got to know each other before we got too physical, but we didn’t. I don’t regret the way things went for us, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
There’s a lot more to a relationship than love-making and attraction.
Chapter 6
I woke up the next morning with a smile on my face, and Jordie was already awake. He had his arms around me but was staring up at the ceiling with a sick look on his face.
“Good morning.” I pressed a kiss to his cheek. He let go of me and slid out of bed, pulling on some jeans. “What’s up?” I frowned, sitting up. It was cold in the apartment, so I pulled the blanket up with me.
“I’m sorry about last night.” He admitted.
Every ounce of happiness I felt dropped out from under me.
He pulled a t-shirt on over his head.
“What do you mean?” I asked, dropping the blanket and sliding out of bed. I yanked some clothes on, so worried by his words that I put my shirt on inside out.
The way his eyes followed me, I knew he was still attracted to me, so I wondered what was going on in his head.
“I shouldn’t have let it get out of hand, and I’m sorry. Now we could have a baby… I should’ve stopped it. I’m sorry.” He apologized again.
“Excuse me?” I raised both my eyebrows, folding my arms over my chest. “I’m your mate. Shifter law and our country’s government says we’re legally married, and there’s no
thing out of hand about what happened last night. We are a married couple.” I gestured to the bed, glaring at the man the Creator had given me.
“I know that’s what the law says, but I can’t be that.” He begged me with his eyes. “I can’t be what you need. I’m here to protect you, and that’s it.” He grabbed an already-filled backpack, the one he always took to and from school. “I have to get going.”
“It’s Saturday.” I glared at him, wrapping my arms around my stomach to make them stop shaking.
“I have to make lesson plans.” He hurried out to the kitchen, grabbing a protein drink.
“You can do that here.” I pointed out, my anger growing into fury at the man who was supposed to be my missing piece.
“No, I can’t.” he walked away from me, leaving the apartment and locking it behind him.
I perched on the edge of the couch and tears welled up in my eyes.
“You’re going to be okay.” I whispered to myself. “He’s just one guy. You don’t even know anything about him. He’s the other half of your soul, but you can handle life without him.” I tried to convince myself, but my heart knew what it wanted.
Jordie was all it wanted.
My panther hid deep in the dark place that used to hold my heart. In that moment, my chest felt completely hollow. I had no family, and my friends were thousands of miles away. I didn’t even have a soulmate.
He didn’t want me, and he most definitely didn’t love me.
Water filled my eyes as my mind attacked me.
I had no one. I was completely alone. My family wanted me dead, none of them cared about me. My friends were fine without me, they hardly noticed I was gone. If I didn’t have Jordie, I didn’t have anything.
It took some effort, but I managed to remind myself about my blog. I had readers, and that was at least something.
When I remembered that they only read what I had to say because they wanted to understand shifters, I wilted.
I had no one.
The thought filled me with such horribly depressing feelings that I felt I had to run. I needed to get out of there, to get away from the place where I was so completely alone. Thinking about leaving shocked me out of my sadness, reminding me of what I used to want.
I remembered my old dream and smiled through the tears falling down my cheeks.
Living next door to Leah, writing books while she raised her kids. I would be their aunt, the cool lady next door who would sneak cookies to them and teach them to love books the way their mom never would.
We would be sisters, a family we got to choose and create for ourselves.
However alone I’d feel without my mate, I knew it would be much less lonely than staying with Jordie, being unwanted and unloved for the rest of my life.
I made up my mind to leave, to call the police on Steven and take a bus all the way back to Leah. Steven couldn’t possibly take down all the wolves in Ty and Leah’s pack. He was big and scary, but he wasn’t that good at fighting.
I grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen, then scribbled out,
Jordie,
I have to go. Thanks for trying to protect me, but I don’t just want to survive, I want to be happy.
Thanks again,
Sav
A tear fell from my cheek to the paper, but I didn’t bother to wipe it away. I picked my head up, ready to go pack my bag, when something colorful caught my eye.
The splattered-rainbow sunflower.
I smiled a little, then noticed a piece of paper sticking out from under it. I hadn’t put it there, so I picked up the little statue and grabbed the paper.
After carefully placing the flower back on the counter (I knew it was important to Jordie), I unfolded the paper. It said:
Still need to write-
-rescuing Sav
-funeral luncheon
-running in forest
My eyebrows lifted so high they could’ve raised the roof.
If he needed to write about the things we’d experienced over the last month, I figured he had to have a journal. There was a chance it could be on a laptop or something, but he wasn’t a super techy guy. I decided it would most likely be a paper journal, which was a good thing for me.
I could find a paper journal.
So, for the next half an hour, I tore apart the apartment. After going through something, I put it all back into place, of course, so Jordie wouldn’t know I had been snooping. Then again, I wasn’t necessarily sure when he would come back, or if he ever would, so I don’t know why I bothered cleaning up after myself.
He could’ve been halfway across the state, for all I knew.
I searched through the closet, felt all around under the bed, pulled up all the couch cushions… nothing. It wasn’t in any of the cabinets in the kitchen, nor was it in any of the drawers.
I turned my focus to the dresser, the only place I hadn’t looked.
Maybe it’s a sin to go through a man’s underwear drawer without his permission, but I did it anyway. Unfortunately, the journal wasn’t in there.
I went through the rest of the drawers but didn’t find it there either.
Finally, I opened the last drawer. It was full of comfy clothes—basketball shorts and sweats and even a pair of black fuzzy socks.
Don’t tell him I told you that he has fuzzy socks, ‘cause I’ve been sworn to secrecy about that.
Anyway, I pulled the pair of sweats out of the drawer, and voila, there it was. Or rather, there they were. Three spiral-bound journals.
I grabbed them, not stopping to worry about privacy or anything of that sort. I’d given Jordie plenty of time to open up, yet he hadn’t. Also, he was technically my husband so anything that was his was mine too.
First, I opened the oldest one, the one that had been on the bottom of the stack. The first journal entry had a date a little over 9 years earlier. I didn’t know how old Jordie was right then, but I guessed 22, which put him at 13 years old when he started the journal.
Having that figured out, I started reading.
Felicity died exactly 37 days ago. I feel like I died with her. It should be me buried under the dirt and lost to the world of the living. Instead I’m here in a city I’ve never heard of, living under a bridge and spending most of my time in panther form.
Most days I feel like my head will explode with all the pain and emotions raging inside me. I bought this journal with the money I stole from my parents, and I hope it can stop me from actually exploding.
When I showed up at home carrying her dead body, my parents screamed at me. They told me I was a monster and a murderer and the sinner they’d been cursed to suffer. No one else in my family was born a shifter, and they didn’t know why I was. My dad grabbed a knife from the kitchen and threatened to kill me if I didn’t leave.
My parents were never good to me but Felicity always was. She was my best friend even though she was six years younger than me. The other guys at school teased me for loving my little sister so much but I didn’t mind. They made fun of my mate marks, but I didn’t mind that either.
I didn’t get to see them bury her. Felicity’s returned to the Creator now and I didn’t get to say goodbye. They ran me into the woods before I got the chance.
So now I’m here under a bridge. I have a little money but nowhere to go. I could try an orphanage, but they would be suspicious of me because of my cotie. It’s not easy to hide, unlike the ones on the wolf shifters I met a few years ago.
That’s all. I hope I can find someone to take me in. It’s really cold out here.
The front of my shirt was damp with tears when I finished reading that first entry. He’d gone through all that at 13? I’d been through plenty of my own sucky experiences, but I still couldn’t imagine how he felt.
I continued to read. The date for the next entry was over a month later.
I found a pack of wolves. Well I guess they found me.
They heard about a kid with silvery markings all over his arm living under the
bridge, and they came to check it out. They were happy to take me in and promised they would be my new family. It’s a small pack but it still feels too big.
Panthers were created to run alone, I guess.
But I’m glad I have somewhere to stay now.
I flipped the page and found an entry a few months later.
I’ve been going to school in this new city. Still not sure what it’s called but that doesn’t matter. These wolves treat me better than my parents ever did.
It’s lonely though. I miss Felicity every day. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry and I wish I could trade her places. But I’m stuck here.
The wolves are cool, but they don’t feel like family. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I have a family again.
I wiped at another round of tears and continued reading. Jordie felt so alone, and it was heart-breaking.
At one point in his junior year of high school, he decided that he wanted to be a teacher, because he thought little kids were much more pleasant than adults. I laughed when I read that.
Halfway through the second journal, he finished college. That meant there was a journal and a half dedicated to teaching school and following me, but he’d only taught for one school year. As I expected, there were only five pages for that whole school year.
The date for the next entry was two days before we almost met in the coffee shop.
I’ve always been told that one day, I’d be able to smell my mate from anywhere. My nose would kick into gear and wouldn’t calm down until I found her. Honestly, I thought it was a bunch of crap. Despite all the mated shifters that have come out around the world, I didn’t believe it.
I guess I thought I didn’t deserve a mate, so I’d never get one.
Today, my nose kicked into gear, as everyone says, but it doesn’t feel like my nose. I can’t actually smell my mate, whoever she is.
Rather, I can feel her. I can feel her heart beating like it’s my own, I can feel exactly where she is. Right now, she’s in some small town in Washington. I never thought I’d have a mate, and I never thought I deserved one.
I talked to my boss, though, and he told me to find her. He wants me to go after my mate, says he’ll hire a sub for as long as it takes me. I told my class goodbye, and I’m driving away sometime tonight.