by Sara Summers
“I’m not ready.” I pleaded. “I know you’ve followed me for a long time and you’re probably tired of it, but I’m not ready to settle down. I want this life. I’m going back to my hotel, please don’t follow me.”
In most situations I wasn’t someone who would beg for anything, but right then I had no other choice. According to our customs, I was facing off with the one person who could command me that I was required to follow.
Rather than giving me an order or shifting back into human form, the panther backed away.
I ran the whole way to my hotel and got on a plane a few hours later, the thought that had pierced my mind still lingering.
I looked back.
“I was shocked that you didn’t force me to go with you.” I shook my head. “That was the first time I wondered why I was running from you, and I actually questioned if it was the right choice. I felt so alone that day and I actually started to think that maybe it would be better to be with you, even if you were a middle-aged man with a beer belly.” I smiled wryly.
“I just remember that I had to force my panther to back away. He insisted you would accept us if you had the chance, but I was scared. If you had rejected me too, I didn’t know what I’d do with myself.” Jordie admitted.
“How did you always find me so fast?” I wondered. “Steven wondered that too. How were you so quick?”
Jordie laughed.
“I don’t know. After the first few times you ran from me, my panther was sort of psychic. He’d think, ‘she’s going to Egypt’, or ‘she’ll be headed to Slovakia, she hasn’t been there yet’. No matter how hard I tried, he knew I needed you.”
“Hmm. That’s cool.” I nodded.
“What about Louisiana? Do you remember when I ran into you there?” he asked.
I laughed, shaking my head at the memory.
It was the third place I traveled to, and the post just before going there was the one that sent my blog tearing through the internet, gaining traffic quickly. I hadn’t gotten any money from it yet, so I was broke.
I sat on a bench by this swampy river, pulling my box of leftovers from my backpack. I hadn’t had money to afford buying three meals a day, so I had to ration my food a little.
For some reason, the place I went to for lunch had given me a whole lobster. I didn’t order it, but they were excited to have a panther shifter in their restaurant. I guess Louisiana had a bunch of grizzlies, wolves, and a few otters, but had never met a panther.
I ate the mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch, and only broke a piece off the lobster so they’d know I was grateful. When I took it with me, I assured them I’d post a picture to my blog for the sake of publicity.
So I ended up sitting on a bench trying to break my lobster with a rock I’d found in the dirt at my feet.
When my arm started tingling, I stood up in alarm, clutching the lobster in my right hand. There were only a few people around, but none of them were paying me any attention.
“Wherever you are, if you don’t walk away I’m throwing this lobster in the river. It’s my only dinner, so I’ll go hungry if you do.” I threatened.
No matter how terrible my mate was, he would care if I went hungry. Steven flipped out on his wife when she didn’t eat, and he was the second scariest man I knew.
My arm stopped tingling and I sat down in relief, then went back to attempting to break my lobster in peace.
A few minutes later, an old man brought me a metal thing that I’d used to break the lobster in the restaurant.
“A young man said to give you this.” He handed it to me in his dirty, shaking hand. I accepted the tool, surprised.
“Do you want to share this with me?” I offered. Though I wasn’t used to befriending strangers, if the man had gone to the trouble of bringing me the tool, I thought he should at least share the wealth. He opened his eyes wider.
“You would share with me?” his voice shook.
“Of course. I can’t eat it all myself.” I gave him a wry smile. “Here, take a seat.” I scooted over to make room for him.
He told me stories as we ate together, and though he was a little crazy, I couldn’t help but like him.
My mind whirled throughout the meal, distracting me from the stories. My mate had given the little tool to me despite my sending him away. I couldn’t help but notice what that said about who he was. For a moment, I wondered if he was as bad as I made him out to be.
Still, I left later that night, getting on a flight headed for Boston, Massachusetts.
“Some part of me realized you had to be an okay guy if you were helping me out like that, but I refused to let myself believe it. Panthers aren’t supposed to be nice.” I admitted, shaking my head. “Obviously I should’ve trusted my gut feeling.”
“I just remember feeling like a complete stalker as I watched you share your food with that old man. I thought you must be the most perfect woman alive, and I knew I wasn’t good enough.”
“Oh come on.” I complained. “You’re awesome. If one of us isn’t good enough, it’s me.”
“Let’s just agree to disagree.” He pulled me close to hug me. “Thanks for not hating me for stalking you.”
“Thanks for not thinking I’m crazy for not hating you.” I turned it back on him, and he shook his head.
“I love you.” He said, so softly it was almost a whisper.
I cuddled against him, soaking in his warmth and just appreciating the feeling I had with him. I’d been around the world, I had done weird things and seen amazing places, but I had never before felt the way that I felt with Jordie.
He made me feel safe. With him, I felt strong and warm and… complete.
I couldn’t have asked for anything more.
Chapter 10
Jordie gave me a kiss before leaving the next morning, and as soon as he was gone, I called Leah.
“I’m starting to understand why you enjoy having a mate so much.” I told her.
“No way, you finally opened up to each other?” Leah asked, excited. “I knew this day would come. Good work!”
“Yeah, I never realized it would be like this. Everything just feels really natural.” I admitted.
“Right? Isn’t it cool? Learning to love someone you’ve never met before isn’t as hard as it sounds, huh?”
“I guess.” I smiled. “It’s just weird, you know? A few weeks ago, I was just me, and now I’m me and Jordie. It’s strange to suddenly have an entirely new person in my life.”
“But he’s perfect for you, isn’t he?” she asked, smug.
“Yeah.” I had to give it to her. “I couldn’t imagine someone I’d rather be with even if I tried.”
“Oh, I’m so happy for you.” Leah said, and I knew she was beaming. “I help people fall in love all day long, but it feels especially good to help you.” She said, and I laughed.
“Thanks, I think.”
We chatted for about an hour before she had to get back to being Omega.
“Love you, Sav. Remember your plan to corrupt my future children into book kids.” She reminded me.
“I won’t forget.” I assured her. “Love you too, talk to you later.” I said, then hung up.
I didn’t have anything to post on my blog that day, so I pulled up Pinterest. I’d spent way too much time on there over the last few weeks, though, and I was more than a little sick of it.
I sighed and exited the browser, staring at the picture of me and Leah on the computer screen for a few minutes.
What did I want to do? I wondered. My inbox was full again, but I didn’t want to answer emails. There were always comments to go through and answer on the blog, but I didn’t want to do that either. The only thing I wanted to do was the one thing I had been avoiding for months:
Writing.
I slowly moved my pointer over to the documents tab, and finally clicked on it. When the folder popped up, I clicked on that.
Browsing through a dozen stories I’d started but never finished
, my finger made its way down to the one I had been thinking of:
The story I’d told Jordie about, the one labeled, “My Past’s Future”. It was the title I’d given my paranormal ghost romance, and it was calling to me.
I hesitated.
Did I really want to bury myself in that again? Writing was addictive, but it also made me doubt myself more than anything else in the world. It was the most enjoyable source of pain I knew.
I clicked on the document.
When I saw the word count at the bottom of my document, I lifted my eyebrows. 30,000 words? I already had 30,000 words in the story? How could I not finish it if I made it that far?
I read the last few pages I’d written, then groaned.
It was terrible. Really, really terrible. My writing was not good at all.
I closed the document.
After pulling up Pinterest and then closing it yet again, I sighed.
And then I clicked on my story again.
This time, I forced myself not to think about how terrible the story was. I didn’t let myself remember all the times I’d failed at finishing a novel, didn’t let myself realize that no matter how hard I tried, I could never write a perfectly-prosed, world-engulfing story.
This time, I just poured the words out of me.
It took a while, a few stops and distractions, but the next time I picked my head up, two hours had flown by. I’d been sucked into the world I had created, and it felt incredible.
“I just wrote fiction.” I said it out loud, which only contributed to the shock and victory I was feeling. I laughed in disbelief. “I did it.” I realized.
I hadn’t felt that in tune with myself in ages.
So I focused back on the screen, and I went back to putting my soul into words. I lost myself in the writing, but when I got up to grab some water a few hours later, I didn’t feel lost.
I felt like I’d finally found who I really was.
When Jordie got back, I jumped up from the couch and hurried to give him a hug.
“You seem happy.” Jordie laughed, hugging me close.
“I’ve been writing.” I admitted, biting my lip to hold back a smile.
“I take it it’s going well?” he smiled, letting go of me.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I feel like myself again.” I admitted. “It feels so good.” I shook my head. “I should’ve done this ages ago.”
“I’m glad.” He pulled me close again for another hug. “Do you want to get back to it?” he checked.
“Yes.” I smiled, and we walked to the couch together.
I jumped back into my book world, and he got to work grading whatever papers he had that day. We didn’t say much to each other, but our feet and legs were tangled together once again. It might not seem very romantic, but that afternoon and evening made me feel a lot more in-love with Jordie.
Sitting beside each other while still buried in our own worlds… it was perfect.
“Alright, I’ll be done for today.” I saved the document and shut my computer. “We should probably eat dinner.”
“I was just thinking the same thing.” Jordie grinned. “I ordered a pizza a few minutes ago, are you okay with that?”
“Sounds great.” I nodded. “Hey, you never told me what your favorite food was.” I realized.
“Oh, it’s easy.” He brushed it off. “I like anything American. Burgers and fries, pizza and wings, McDonald’s chicken nuggets… that kind of stuff.”
“McDonald’s?!” I complained. “You’ve eaten food from all over the world and you still choose McDonald’s?”
“Yep.” He shrugged. “I survived college on their nuggets alone.”
“Oh gosh.” I shook my head at him. “You’re uncultured.”
“No, McDonald’s is my culture.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I had to laugh.
“Fine, whatever.” I waved my hands at him. “You’re hopeless.”
“Sure I am.” Jordie grinned, reaching over to tousle my hair.
“Hey.” I grumbled. The doorbell rang, and Jordie went to grab our pizza.
“Thanks, man.” He closed the door and brought the box of pizza over, setting it on the coffee table.
We both chowed down, and Jordie said,
“I dreamt about Buenos Aires last night.” He said with his mouth full. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, chewing before I said,
“Oh gosh. Out of all the places we went to, you had to remember that one.” I moaned. “I know, I was a jerk to you. If we had been traveling together it would’ve been a lot more fun.”
“I’m not mad.” He laughed. “But I still remember your face when that guy grabbed your arm. How could I forget? It was priceless.” He grinned.
“You mean when he grabbed my shirt?” I smiled and shook my head. “He tried to make me shift in the middle of a crowd of people.” I protested. “That was not priceless!”
“It totally was.” He took another bite. “They just wanted to see a panther shifter. We’re not that common, remember?”
“We’re just good at hiding. Stealth mode, remember” I teased and shook my head at him. The guy really had tried to force me to shift, but he didn’t speak English so he didn’t understand when I yelled more than a few choice words at him.
“Good memories.” Jordie said. “It’ll be fun to tell our kids those stories someday.”
My smile fell, and Jordie’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry, Sav. I know you can’t—I just figured we’d adopt or something, I wasn’t trying to—“
“I’m going to go take a bath.” I left my pizza crust in the box, striding over to the bedroom door and closing it.
Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I started the water in the tub.
I slid into the water, hoping the hot water would work the stress and pain out of me.
Unfortunately, it didn’t do what I wanted it to. The memories rushed back in what felt like a tsunami of pain.
“I know there isn’t a good option in this scenario, but if we go through with the surgery you won’t be able to have children.” The doctor warned.
“I know.” I forced myself to stay calm. It would be alright, it would be okay. Maybe I’d never have to find my mate, and I would never have to accept his disappointment or sadness. I’d be alone, but at least he wouldn’t have to suffer with me. “Just do it.”
“Maybe you should reconsider…” the man trailed off. “This decision will affect the man who hasn’t found you yet.” He warned.
He wasn’t a shifter, so all he understood was what the media had told him. He didn’t know what I knew about shifters, and he didn’t understand what this would mean for my future as a woman and someone’s soulmate.
I would never be a mother. I would never feel the joy of holding in my arms a baby that had grown inside me. I’d never experience creating another living soul, creating a person. The gift I’d been given as a women—I would never have it.
I forced my heartbeat to stay even, a trick I’d learned because I had to do it to survive growing up.
“Do it.” I said flatly.
“Do what she says.” Marley’s dad nodded. “This is her choice, not her mate’s.”
“Alright.” The doctor nodded. “You’ll go in for surgery in an hour.”
“They did what?” Leah demanded, pacing back and forth in my room in Marley’s house. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t.” I blinked fast, forcing the tears to retreat. “At least I won’t force a child into the life I’ve had.” My voice wobbled. “Their dad won’t try forcing them to kill anyone. They won’t be hated and yelled at for being who they are.”
“Sav, you would’ve been the greatest mom.” Leah protested. When her tears started to fall, my eyes began to sting.
“There was no other choice, Lee.” Marley shrugged from the edge of the bed. “Her mate will understand.”
“I don’t care about him.” Leah shook her head. “You’re going to want kids someday, Savanna. You sh
ouldn’t have let them do that.” She sat next to me and folded her arms.
“What other option was there?” Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. “Stay in the hospital the rest of my life? Die from blood loss? They didn’t even think the other remedies would work. This was all I could do.” I covered my face with my hands.
I couldn’t remember the last time I cried. If Steven had ever seen me crying, he would’ve beat me up or yelled at me to tell me I needed to be stronger. Strong people don’t cry, he would’ve said.
“Do you think I wanted this to happen?” my body shook, and I dropped to the bed and bawled.
“I’m sorry.” Leah and Marley covered both sides of me, holding me close as we all cuddled in a single twin bed.
“I wish I could have a different life.” I cried.
“It’s going to work out one day.” Marley assured me. “You just have to let yourself cry.”
“I sense a beautiful baby girl in your future.” The Chinese fortuneteller said in a thick accent.
My eyes filled with tears.
“Yes, she will be perfect.” The woman smiled and nodded, thinking the tears were happy ones.
“You can’t really see the future.” I whispered, standing up and grabbing my backpack. I hurried away from her booth, ignoring her call for me to come back.
The pain was too much.
“Oh my goodness, Sav. Look at this picture of baby panther I found.” Brooke squealed, showing me a picture of a panther. We were in her college dorm room, I was taking a break from traveling for a few days.
“It’s really cute.” I agreed, smiling at the picture. I thought I had come to terms with my disability of sorts, I thought I had accepted it.
“I’m so excited for you to have a bunch of baby panthers for me to play with.” She smiled, the expression lighting up her already-happy face. “I’m going to spoil your babies.” She told me.
My smile became forced.
“Oh gosh.” I managed to get the words out. “Hey, where’s the bathroom? I’ll be right back.”
She pointed me in the right direction, and I managed to hold myself together until I got inside.