Stop ogling her, my conscience chastised. But it was so hard to tear my gaze away. She wore a pair of short Daisy Dukes, showing off her unbelievable legs, and a simple white T-shirt stretched tight around her breasts. They were modest, which is probably why she wasn’t wearing a bra, but I could see the outline of her nipples, and fuck if I didn’t want to peel back that shirt and wrap my lips around one.
This is precisely why I had to set up that online dating profile and get my mind off Ivy, stat. I let out a long, strained breath and forced my attention to the ever-colorful residents of Venice Beach moving past us.
A frustrated huff sounded beside me. “I don’t see it,” Ivy complained. “Maybe it was in the other direction.”
We stopped, and I scanned our surroundings. “What about that place over there?”
“The sushi spot?” She sounded skeptical.
“Yeah. It’s been ages, but I remember them having amazing green-tea ice cream.”
“Oh, I love green-tea ice cream,” she said. “Let’s go.”
Inside, the shop owner happily confirmed they did indeed have the ice cream, and they could put it in to-go cups for us if we wanted to take it to the beach.
I raised my brows at Ivy. “What do you think? Up for a walk on the sand?”
She smiled. “Okay. This one’s on me.” Her hand landed on my forearm to steer me away from the counter.
Seeing her fingers splayed across my tattoos made me freeze. An electrical charge passed over my skin, raising it in goosebumps. Her hand lingered in place, and when she bit her bottom lip, I thought she’d felt it, too.
Her hazel eyes met mine, and instead of moving back, I stepped closer. I didn’t even think about it, my feet just moved on their own, as if my body craved to be near her.
My reaction must have alarmed her, because she jerked her hand back and whirled to face the counter. Pink bloomed across her cheeks. Without a word, I moved away as far as I could in the tiny sushi shop, cursing myself for acting like such a fool. Whatever connection I felt to her was obviously one-sided, and I wasn’t going to make her believe I’d changed if I took every opportunity to crowd her. Just like I’d done the first time we met.
She handed me one of the cups and lifted her gaze to my face. “Shall we?”
We crossed the boardwalk and stepped onto the sand, pausing to take off our shoes. With her strappy sandals and my beat-up Vans in hand, we wandered past a group of kids digging a sandpit with small plastic shovels, a woman reading a book in a camping chair, and two teenagers playing hacky sack. When we got within twenty feet of the water, she paused. “Want to sit here?”
Sitting right there in the sand, we dug into our treats.
“Wow, you weren’t kidding. This is good stuff,” she said, her words slightly muffled by the ice cream in her mouth.
“Just as good as I remember,” I agreed. “I should have come back earlier. In rehab, they had green-tea ice cream, but it was a sad imitation of this.”
“Really?” She raised a brow. “That still sounds pretty gourmet. Was this a fancy celebrity place?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “Coming from nothing, it isn’t lost on me how privileged I was to be able to afford a place like that. There are so many that can’t get the support they need just because of the price of rehab. Even your average facility can run up to twenty thousand dollars per month.”
She almost choked on her ice cream. “You’re kidding?”
“No. It’s outrageous.” I’d started donating to a bunch of organizations as soon as I got out of my program, but I wanted to do more. I’d be able to once the lawsuit was over.
“And many of the programs are based on outdated methods that haven’t been rigorously researched,” I added. “People still treat addiction like a moral failing rather than a medical and psychiatric disorder. Can you imagine a hospital forcing someone with depression to confess their sins and make amends to everyone they’ve harmed?”
She scrunched her nose. “When you put it like that, it does seem strange. But if you don’t agree with it, why are you doing it?”
“The amends? For me, it felt like the right thing to do. I thought it would help with my personal recovery. But that’s the key—everyone is different. We should empower people to choose their own path to getting better, and acknowledge that the twelve-step programs aren’t the be-all and end-all. Just because it felt like the right fit for me, doesn’t mean I think it’s going to be right for everyone.”
“That’s interesting,” she said, licking her spoon. “And are there a lot of alternatives?”
“There are some. But I think there’s an opportunity for a lot more.” I glanced at her. “If you’re looking for an area to have an impact with your degree, I can confidently tell you there’s a lot you can do in addiction research and counseling.”
Ivy’s expression turned thoughtful, and we sat in silence for a little.
I looked out at the ocean. A few small waves crashed ashore and seagulls mewed high above our head. Placing my now-empty cup down, I lay on the sand and inhaled the salty air. “I love having the ocean nearby.”
She hummed in agreement. “Same. Even with the heatwave, I’d much rather be in LA sweating gallons than shivering under an enormous parka back home. I’m still trying to figure out how to convince my family that we should celebrate the holidays here.”
I opened one eye to peek at her. “Pennsylvania, right?”
She squinted at me. “Did you google me?” Her tone was teasing.
“No, I swear,” I said with a smile. “I keep in touch with Abel, and I remember him saying he met your brother in a small town in PA. Just putting two and two together.”
She hummed in surprise. “You’re friends with Abel? I didn’t know that. I mean, he and I aren’t particularly close, so I guess there’s no reason why I would know. How did that happen?”
“He helped me at the hospital after the OD, and we stayed in touch.”
“Oh right, I remember. Hey, that happened more than two years ago,” she exclaimed. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to need to find some ketchup for you when we walk back.”
“That’s not fair,” I protested, sitting up on my elbows. “It was an answer to your question.” A grin pulled at my lips.
Her smile faded. Something in the way she was looking at me, her gaze dropping from my eyes to my mouth, turned me the fuck on. She brought her thumb to her lips, and swiped it over the bottom one, slowly, absentmindedly. I shifted my hips, trying to keep my growing semi out of sight, but the movement caught her attention, and her gaze moved even lower.
I sat up, bringing my knees to my chest and feeling my heart hammering against them. Ivy blinked, as if coming out of a trance, and she whipped back to face the ocean.
“Ok, fine. I’ll let it slide this one time.” She stuffed a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth.
“Deal.” I ran a hand over my chin. “So you were saying you don’t like going home for the holidays?”
She bounced her shoulders up and down. “I like seeing my family, just not in River Valley. It’s such a sad little town. There’s nothing fun to do, unless you count going on a winter garden tour fun. I love LA. I dreamt about coming to school here ever since I was a little kid.”
“And it’s lived up to your expectations?”
“Yeah, it has. I want to stay here forever. Although, New York sounds cool too. I’ve wanted to visit for a long time but it never panned out.”
Oliver lived in New York. I shifted on the sand as a sudden wave of worry hit me. Is that why she wanted to go there?
“I’ve kind of given up on that now,” she added. “We’ve got just about everything here, don’t we?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Including great ice cream. I might make green-tea ice cream on the beach my new Monday routine.”
The right corner of her lips hiked up. “That sounds nice. Maybe, I’ll join you some days.”
The hammering intensified. It was so loud, I was
sure she could hear it. I forced a casual smile and nodded. “Anytime.”
When she looked back toward the water, I let out a quiet breath. She didn’t mean it. She was being friendly but we both knew what this was. An extended goodbye between two people who could never be friends, let alone anything more than that.
Ivy finished off her cup and suggested we walk a little farther. I agreed. We wandered, mostly silent, with the salty ocean breeze tickling at our faces and sand scratching at our feet. I lost track of time. When I looked up, we were in front of the Santa Monica Pier.
Ivy halted beside me. “Oh, wow, I didn’t think we’d make it this far.”
Neither did I. It felt like in the span of just a few hours, we’d crossed a good chunk of the distance that lay between us. And now, the thought of saying our final goodbye filled me with soul-crushing sadness.
She glanced at me from under her eyelashes. “I should head home. I’ll call an Uber from Ocean Ave.”
“Want me to drive you?” I offered.
A smile appeared, just barely, but she shook her head. “I’ll be fine.” Her hands reached into the back pockets of her shorts. “I’m glad we got a chance to talk.”
“Me, too.” I brought my hand up to my neck. “It was…nice to hang out.”
“Yeah.” She rocked back and forth on her feet. “Anyways. Bye, Jamie. Maybe I’ll see you around.”
My stupid heart leapt at her words, no matter how sure I was she didn’t mean them. “Sounds good. Bye, Ivy.”
I watched her back as she retreated, her long legs flexing as she stepped across the sand. The ocean lapped gently at the shore behind me, and I allowed its calming sounds to ease the pain in my chest. When it became no more than a dull throb, I took one last look at the water and began to head back.
From the car, I dialed Nial. He knew about the lunch, and he’d told me to call him afterwards if I wanted to talk. I did want to talk. Or rather, I wanted him to tell me I was stupid to be so hung up over a girl.
“How was it?” he asked as soon as he picked up.
“Fuck.” I let out a loud breath as I sped down the highway. “It was good. Too fucking good. We talked about everything under the sun. I told her about the rehab and some of the crap that went down, and she didn’t even ask once for any salacious details. She seemed genuinely interested in listening. Told me she accepted my apology.”
“That’s great, Jamie,” Nial said, his tone encouraging. “Good for you for turning that around. I’ve gotta admit, after how you described your last meeting, I didn’t think there was much hope for you two.”
“There is no hope, man.” My fingers drummed on the wheel. “I’m not going to see her again. I’m calling so that you can tell me to stop being a fool.”
“Not going to see her again? You said that exact thing the last time you saw her, and here we are.”
“This was a fluke. She wanted to straighten things out between us, and she did. She’s got no other reason to want to see me.”
“Maybe she enjoyed your company.”
“She’s ten years younger than me.”
“So?”
I braked as some idiot in front of me ground to a quick stop. I’d forgotten Nial’s wife was eight years his junior, so clearly, he didn’t mind the age difference.
“It’s just another reason on a very long list for why I need to forget about Ivy Abbott,” I told him.
“But you like her?”
Switching lanes, I exhaled. “Yeah. I really fucking like her.” The entire time we were together, I’d felt…light. For about two hours, I’d been able to imagine what life could be like after. After the lawsuit was done, and after Oliver was no longer a part of my life. I’d felt younger. I’d felt free. “Too bad I can’t have her.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“I’m not going to go after her.”
“Why?”
I ran a hand over my chin. There was a connection between us, and selfishly, I wanted to see her again. The fact that we were able to enjoy each other’s company despite all of our history… That counted for something, didn’t it?
A frown tugged at my lips as I pulled up to the house. It counted for nothing because she clearly didn’t feel the same way.
Just like that, a familiar need prickled in the back of my head.
I wouldn’t reach for a drink just because the urge came, but it’s reappearance served as a blunt reminder of my reality. Whatever pull I felt toward Ivy, trying to place myself into her life would be heinously irresponsible, not to mention completely inappropriate. I was too damaged, and she? She deserved someone better than me.
14
IVY
Jack stood outside my building when I got out of the Uber after lunch. I was still reeling from the past few hours with Jamie, and I almost walked right past him. He had to call my name to get my attention.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, forcing my thoughts away from the singer.
Jack thumbed the straps of his backpack, dropping his gaze to the ground before coming back up to me. “I wanted to check on you. See if you’re feeling better.”
“I’m fine,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself. “I was fine the last time we spoke.”
His expression hardened. “You didn’t seem fine. You seemed unhinged.”
The thought of my apartment and a long chat with Zoey beckoned me. I didn’t want to have this conversation with Jack. Not now, maybe not ever. Despite how I’d acted with him, I didn’t feel embarrassed about it. I simply wanted to forget it happened.
“I don’t know, it may have been the heat. Really, I’m good,” I said to him in a steady voice.
The line between his brows relaxed. “Okay. I’ll take your word for it. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Do you want to hang out next week?”
I didn’t. The realization that whatever Jack and I had was over came to me almost immediately. This fling, this distraction—I had no desire for it anymore. Despite wanting him to take my virginity only a few days before, I now shuddered at the thought of doing it with him. We didn’t have a sliver of a connection. It was obvious to me now.
Especially after the lunch with Jamie.
After my initial nervousness wore off, it had been so easy talking to the ex-singer. The few hours had been enough to solidify my newfound respect for him. They’d also been enough for me to realize that my attraction to Jamie had nothing to do with being on drugs. Being on the receiving end of his smile made my insides twist with pleasure.
I couldn’t think of a single time Jack’s smile had that effect on me.
Jack must have seen a hint of what was coming on my face, because his expression darkened.
“I don’t think so,” I said softly.
He straightened his back.
I didn’t want to hurt him, but I was also eager to end things in a way that left no room for interpretation. “We’ve had a good run, but I think I’m ready to move on.”
A muscle in his neck fluttered and he clenched his teeth. “You’re kidding me. Is this you punishing me for what I wouldn’t do in the goddamn park?”
I shook my head with vigor. “No. That’s not it. I just don’t want to fool around anymore, okay?”
That anger I saw in the park flashed across his face again. “Goddamn it, Ivy. I can’t believe this.”
“Why? We were always casual. You knew it would end at some point.”
The flare in his eyes told me that maybe he hadn’t. I was surprised. “Wha—”
“Was I an idiot to think we’d get there eventually?” His voice shook. “That one day I could finally introduce you to my friends as my girlfriend?
“You wanted to date for real?”
He scoffed with derision at my puzzled tone. “It’s that guy, isn’t it? The one who texts you. You’re in love with him. We’ve been fooling around for over a year, and I’m starting to realize I never had a real chance.”
“How do you know about him?” I asked
, stunned. I’d never mentioned Oliver to Jack.
“You jump up every time your phone buzzes three times, as if it’s the most important thing in the world. A message came once when you left your phone on the table during lunch. I saw the notification and read the first few lines. It was enough for me to get the idea.”
And just like that, my last message to Oliver, the one he still hadn’t answered, flared to the forefront of my mind. On instinct, my hand reached for the phone in my back pocket, and Jack caught the movement. He scoffed. “Even when I’m right in front of you, all you can think about is him.”
“Jack, I’m sorry,” I said, discovering that my voice was shaking. “I wasn’t trying to lead you on.”
He shook his head. “Whatever, Ivy. But a bit of friendly advice. Maybe don’t fall in love with someone who’s never around.”
His words seared through me as he turned and began to walk away.
With one last look at his retreating form, I went inside and trudged up the stairs, craving a shower, my pjs, and a cup of tea with Zoey. The day had worn me down, first with the Jamie rollercoaster, and now with the Jack showdown. As I rounded the corner of the hallway leading to my door, it appeared the day was not done with me yet.
Mimi was pulling bags of garbage out of her apartment and propping them against the wall. Unless I wanted to go back down, there was no way for me to get into my home without passing her.
I exhaled and stepped forward. She must have seen the movement out of the corner of her eye, because she twisted her neck to look at me from her hunched position on the ground. Her eyes widened.
“Ivy!” She lunged at me, pulling me into a crushing hug for a quick second before leaping back. Her movements were jerky, hyperactive. “Oh my God, where did you disappear to on Friday? We left before I could find you. Mikey wanted to go to the afterparty before it got too packed.”
“I had a—” I stopped myself from saying friend. “Someone came to pick me up.” Mimi still wore a smile, so I gave her a blank look. “I tried texting you multiple times, but you didn’t answer.”
Pretty Words: An Enemies To Lovers Rock Star Romance (River Valley Rebels) Page 19