by Jerilee Kaye
I realized I wanted it to be real. That dream I had a few nights ago made me reach the edges of my passion even in my sleep. I wanted to feel it. To see if it was every bit the same in reality.
But it would take a lot for me to know. My relationship with Travis was far more important than any dream and fantasy that I might have. Travis was real. And I was not going to give him up just to know whether or not he could make my dreams come true.
When he raised his face to me again, he seemed to have calmed down. He looked apologetic and frustrated at the same time, but he managed a rueful smile.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. His voice was so gentle it made me want to cry. “I shouldn’t have put you through that.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t stop you earlier.”
He leaned forward and gave me a gentle kiss on the nose. “This marriage is going to be harder than I thought it would be.”
“Because it isn’t real?”
“The marriage is real, Brianne. It’s just waiting to be consummated,” he replied. “And the moment I touch you, there will be no going back for either of us.”
I sighed and leaned forward to hug him. I could feel him still hard against my abdomen. He hesitated to touch me. He managed a few deep breaths and then I felt an arm encircle my naked waist.
“Why does it have to be this complicated?” I asked him. “I thought it was going to be easy.”
He sighed. “It would have been very easy…if I didn’t want you so damn much!”
I smiled. In a way, I felt flattered by his confession. The usual, guarded Travis wouldn’t say that too easily. I felt happy to know that he wanted me that way. Because I knew I wanted him as much. But then again, I had to remember that Travis was a player to begin with. It was natural for him to want me this way. He told me once that he was a predator. If I gave in, I didn’t think I would allow him to play with other prey, too. I would want him to stop with me…I would want to be the only one. And that complicated our situation even more.
I pulled away from Travis, but he stared down at me. He smiled and then he kissed me gently on the lips again.
“I’ll go to the other bathroom…before we start this rollercoaster ride again,” he said. I smiled at him apologetically and he grinned at me. “It’s not your fault you’re too damn beautiful!” He kissed me one last time, and then shut off the water and grabbed the towel on the towel bar.
I waited for him to exit the bathroom before I turned on the shower again. I sat on the floor and allowed the water to run over my skin until I calmed the blood in my system down.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The next several days were bliss. It was like there was nothing else in the world but Travis and me. We still kissed, but we both knew where our limits were. We tried not to come close to the edge. We knew we both might not have the strength to stop a second time around.
We watched the sunset together every day. Sometimes on the deck, sometimes in the pool.
One time, we were lying on a hammock by the beach. I was in his arms, comfortably resting my head on his shoulders with one of his arms wrapped around my waist.
“It’s almost over,” I whispered as I watched the sun go down behind the horizon. But I didn’t mean the sunset. The next day we would set back for New York. And somehow, I felt my heart breaking.
Travis heaved a deep breath. “I know,” he whispered. “Tomorrow, I put my mask back on. And you’re free to push me back when I come any closer to you.”
I stared up at him. “It doesn’t have to be like that, Travis.”
“Yes, it does,” he said softly.
“Why? Can’t we stay like this forever?” I asked. “Can’t you take your mask off for me for good?”
He shook his head. “This guy is weak, Brianne. He won’t be able to protect you…from himself.”
I rested my head back on his shoulder. I guessed he was right. Without his mask, Travis couldn’t resist getting his hands on me…couldn’t resist kissing me whenever he had the chance. I wanted it. If he didn’t resist, I wouldn’t have the power to push him back, either. If he didn’t control himself, we were both in danger of breaking each other…tearing each other apart…losing each other. Why did it have to be complicated? Why did he have to be Travis…the guy who was as important to me as the brother I had lost?
Travis tilted my chin up so I could look into his eyes. He stared at me deeply. With a broken expression on his face, he said, “Whatever happens…please don’t forget…I would never intentionally hurt you, Brianne. And I would do anything for you. Just say the word.”
I sighed, trying my best to control the emotions overwhelming me all at once. “I love you, Travis. I think I would die if I ever lose you.”
And I knew I meant that.
That night, we stayed on the deck and had some drinks. Travis had his usual beer, and I had a mild cocktail. There was a lover’s moon in the sky, and it illuminated the pool and the beach in front of us beautifully. Travis’s face against the moonlight was perfect…he looked like a dark angel. I felt a flood of pride sweep through me. I didn’t know why but somehow, it felt good to know that it was me he was kissing now. But who knew what would happen to us when we went back to the real world?
I opened Sarah’s box of honeymoon tricks. Travis and I had a laugh when I pulled out some naughty stuff from the box, like edible underwear, lubricants, and flavored oils.
There was a game there called “Sssshhhh!!!”
“‘Ssshhhh!!! The newlyweds’ honesty game,’” I read from the caption.
Travis raised a brow. “That’s interesting.”
I read the caption further. “‘This is the game to play to get to know your new wife’s or husband’s deepest, darkest secrets prior to your honeymoon. Know the answers to questions such as ‘Are you really hitting the spot?’ ‘Are you the best he or she ever had?’ ‘Where exactly is her g-spot?’ ‘What’s his or her secret fantasy?’ Play the game to improve your connection to your partner. But a word of warning! Some questions may be better off answering with a lie!’” I had to laugh at that. I stared up at Travis. “Shall we play it?”
He raised a brow. “We’re not a normal couple. What good could it to do for us?”
I giggled. “Nothing, maybe. But it sounds like a hell of a laugh!”
Travis held his hands up. “All right, whatever gives you a kick.” He grinned.
I read the instructions. The game actually required the players to lose a piece of clothing or do something kinky depending on the question. The more interesting to a player the answer was, the higher the bet, the kinkier the action would be.
“Hmmm… now, this is interesting,” Travis said, grinning.
“Forget it! We’re not going to do that,” I glared at him. “Let’s just read the questions and take turns answering them.”
He raised a brow. “Now, where’s the fun in that?”
“Come on, Travis! I’m just curious about the game. It’s not like you have an important board meeting to catch, you know.” I took a card from the deck and read one question out loud. “When did you lose your virginity?”
I looked at him. He raised a brow at me. Suddenly, I realized I knew the answer to that. I smiled at him and handed him the deck of cards. “Your turn.”
“Shouldn’t we answer each question both ways?” he challenged me. “It’s not fair to know a secret only one way.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine. But I didn’t have to answer that question, either. You know exactly when I lost my virginity.”
He narrowed his eyes at me and then he shook his head. “Hmmm…actually, I don’t think I recall that.”
I didn’t anticipate that I was going to feel bad when I heard what he said. I raised a brow at Travis and gave him a haughty look. Of course! How could he remember? I was only one of the girls he’d been to bed with…one of the statistics. How could I have possibly made that night special to him?
“I don’t have to answer that!” I insis
ted, refusing to look at him, not letting him know that he’d actually pissed me off.
Travis stood up from his chair, came close to me, and quickly placed my face between his palms, forcing me to look at him.
I raised a brow at him. “Hey…” he said. He smiled at me sheepishly. “Senior year. May eleventh. Twelve-thirty a.m., Paladine Matrimonial Suite 1403. You were eighteen years old. I was the guy who took your innocence away from you. I touched you twice that night.” He stared at me and then he heaved a sigh. “Just because I asked you to forget doesn’t mean I could will myself to do the same thing.”
I bit my lip. He remembered! “Maybe you just have a very good memory.”
He chuckled as he released me. “Believe me! It’s one of those things I wish I didn’t have.” He sat back in his seat. “Next question?”
I picked another card from the deck. “Have you had a partner of the same sex?”
“Hell no!” Travis answered immediately.
I laughed. “Too defensive there, chief!”
“Next question?”
“Are you not interested to know my answer?” I asked.
“No,” he said.
“Why not?”
“Because I already know the answer,” he replied. “And I can say I’m thankful my wife is as straight as I am.”
I laughed and picked another card. “Where’s your weakest spot?”
He shrugged. He thought for a moment and then he said, “I guess it’s my ear.”
I tried to think what was mine. Chris was the only man I had been with after my first time with Travis. And I couldn’t remember a spot that made me weak, or made me shiver.
Travis raised a brow at me. “Honestly, you don’t know?” he asked.
I shook my head. I didn’t remember Chris ever kissing me on some part of my body that made me instantly mindless.
“I really can’t think of any. Maybe I don’t have a weak spot.”
Travis raised a brow at me again. “Come on. Think again.”
“Well, I can’t remember Chris dwelling on a particular spot that…made me weak.”
“Maybe this Chris character is a moron,” Travis whispered under his breath.
“I heard that,” I said to him. “Could be true, actually.” Honestly, I thought I’d felt more sensual with Travis in the previous week than I’d ever felt in the years I was with Chris. With Chris, it felt like a task, an obligation that we had to fulfill because couples were supposed to do that to strengthen their relationship. But if it hadn’t been a requirement, we might not have done it at all.
With Travis…it was like, we didn’t have to do it…we knew we couldn’t do it…and yet we were like two opposite poles of magnets pulling toward each other, and we had to find the strength to stop.
“Next question?” I asked Travis. In a way, I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t tell him where my weak spot was.
Travis picked up a card. But before he read the question, he stared at me from under his lashes. “The base of your neck,” he said in a low voice.
I blinked back at him. “What? There’s no way you could know that!”
He raised a brow. “Really, Mrs. Cross, would you like me to prove my point?”
I bit my lip. I knew I was red all over. I shook my head. “No,” I replied in a weak voice. “I’ll take your word for it. Next question.”
He gave a look that was meant to unnerve me…make me blush. And when he was sure I’d blushed enough, he gave me a smirk and said, “Your ex is officially a moron. I’ve known that since we were fifteen, cherie.”
I glared at him. But I knew he was right. One night when we were young, he’d trapped me in his bedroom when I came home past my curfew. He sort of nuzzled my neck for the first time. I trembled and almost fell to the floor. Amazing how Travis had realized that in three seconds and Chris never did in the two and a half years we were together.
Travis gave me a crooked smile before reading the question on the next card. “Fantasy place you want to do it?”
I laughed. “Gosh! Hmmm…I’m not an exhibitionist. I would like it to be in a bed of rose petals.” I looked at Travis shyly. “I’m boring.”
He shook his head. “You’re romantic. Me? Funny, I fancy a pool.”
“A pool?” I echoed.
He nodded and pointed at the plunge pool beside us. “As long as it’s private.”
I laughed. “Wow! And I actually thought Travis Cross would think about…fitting rooms or something.”
He frowned. “I’m actually discreet in my sexual affairs. And any woman who would allow me to do it with her in a public place…actually turns me off.”
“Hmmm… interesting fact about Travis Cross.” I smiled. I picked out another card from the deck. This one had a long question, followed by series of question marks and a red heading that read, “Answer with Caution!”
“Interesting card,” I said. I read the first question. “Did you have sex seventy-two hours prior to the wedding?”
I knew the answer to this on my side. But suddenly I realized I wanted to know what Travis’s answer was, too.
“No,” I answered. I read the follow-up questions. “I guess the rest are all N.A.’s for me.” I looked at Travis. “Your turn.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Are you really interested in my answer?”
“Well, it’s not like I will file a divorce if I don’t like what I hear,” I laughed.
He sighed. “Ask away.”
“Did you have sex seventy-two hours prior to the wedding?”
He stared at me soberly. “No,” he whispered.
“Come on, Trav! You can lie better than that,” I teased. But deep inside, my heart was pounding inside my chest. Why the hell am I nervous?
“I didn’t have sex before my wedding,” he said. “I…made love.” His voice had a hint of pain, and suddenly the air seemed to be full of the same intense emotion that he felt.
“To whom?” I asked quietly, reading the next question. The stripper in the cake? I wanted to add.
He sighed. “To an amazing…wonderful woman.”
I guessed he didn’t want to say the name of the girl…if he actually still remembered.
I read the next question. “What were your thoughts during that time? Did you realize anything vital about yourself?”
Travis stared at me seriously, as if deciding whether to answer the question or not. Then finally he said, “My life. The reason why I live. The core of my existence.”
I stared back at him. Suddenly, I wanted to cry. When he said those words, he sounded so vulnerable…so torn…so broken.
“I realized I had a heart, and it’s been beating and breaking…I realized there was one person I could live and die for…and I wanted to freeze that moment for eternity…because in that moment…when she screamed my name…she truly belonged to me.”
“Travis…” I couldn’t breathe. I realized something. This was what he’d been trying to tell me since the wedding…every time he fell quiet and looked lost. He wasn’t just a broken soul…he was also heartbroken when he married me. He wanted to tell me how much of a sacrifice he was making for me. There was…a woman…and Travis couldn’t be with her…because he’d kept his promise to marry me. “Travis…you’re…in love?”
He bit his lip. Tears threatened to escape from his eyes. “It doesn’t matter now, does it?” He smiled ruefully. “Sometimes, it’s too late when you realize your world revolves around one person…I thought…it was my body craving hers…but that last time I was with her…I realized it was my heart screaming out for her…I realized too late…she was the air that I breathed…and I would give everything just to see that look on her face again…the look of love shining upon her when she screamed my name and we…” He took a deep breath. “Came together. She told me she loved me…but I didn’t tell her how I really felt…how I really feel…”
I looked back at Travis. His eyes were wet with tears. He was broken. Because I’d asked him a big favor…be
cause he pledged his life to me a long time ago…it had prevented him from pursuing his happiness…his own love, when he didn’t even know that he was capable of feeling that.
And now…his life was mine…and the heart of the woman he realized he loved was lost to him. He was left with me…the selfish little sister of his best friend…who had become so used to him saving her for half of her life!
“Travis…I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t know…”
He took a deep breath. “Don’t feel sorry, love,” he said softly. “I didn’t know, either. I knew…too late. Otherwise, I would have told her…before the wedding…so at least…she wouldn’t feel that I cheated.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks. Even though I knew there was a part of me that broke hearing that there was another woman in his heart…a bigger part of me ached for the broken man inside Travis…who may have lost the chance to be with the love of his life because he helped me buy time to find the love of my life. How truly selfish of me!
I couldn’t stop crying now. I stood up from my seat and went to Travis. He caught me in his arms, making me sit on his lap. He put his arms around me, cradled me in his arms, and I cried against his chest.
“I’m sorry, Travis,” I said. “I didn’t know. Otherwise…I would not have held you to your promise! I would have let you go. I would have set you free. I didn’t know you were sacrificing that much for me!”
“Ssshhh!” he whispered. “I guess I also wouldn’t have allowed you to cancel the wedding.”
“But you can’t sacrifice that much for me, Travis,” I said. “Now, it’s too late! You’re married to me now…and you may have blown your chances of being with her.”
I realized that even though a part of me hurt, too, I would rather do something for Travis…if there were anything more that I could do to help soothe the pain.
“Tell me, Travis. Tell me how I can make it up to you? To help soothe your pain…tell me what to do.”