“Take your time to say goodbye.” Josh squeezed Steve’s shoulder. It was tight. Time passed silently.
Steve touched the handlebar and the seat before he turned away. Sensing he was ready to go, Josh got back on the Diavel, and it bounced as Steve mounted behind him and held his waist. When Josh took off, Steve’s arm wrapped around his chest and held on over the bumpy road. The back of Josh’s helmet clinked as it knocked against the front of Steve’s.
A breath blew on Josh’s ear, followed by Steve’s voice over the racket. “I’m getting old.”
Old? Josh knew old people. Steve wasn’t old. Nothing more to say about it, Josh’s focus remained on the winding trail.
“I’m not a kid anymore.”
Just childish. Josh held his tongue.
“Things are changing. I’m slowing down. If I don’t live now, when will I?”
Okay. That was enough. He’d been down this road with Steve before, like one day a week was such a big deal. “I know a way to liven it up.”
“How?” Steve asked.
“Let me fuck you tonight.”
“Yeah, right. How’s your therapy going? Any progress? Maybe by the time I’m gray, I’ll get it twice a week, if I still have the energy.”
“She says we should do this kind of thing more.”
“What’s that?” Steve asked.
“Talk and hold each other, share our feeling, reflect on things we enjoy together, like complaining.”
“What?” Steve sounded confused.
Josh couldn’t see Steve’s face but imagined the clueless expression, quite familiar to him by now. “She calls it intimacy.”
Steve, obviously, didn’t get the joke, but the part about complaining, their favorite pastime lately, wasn’t very funny, even to Josh. “If you really want to know,” Josh said, “I am making progress. The safe word helps. It makes the fear more manageable. I don’t have to panic. There’s a way out. When I’m strong enough to face it, I’ll tame it.”
Behind Josh’s head, the helmets clanked. Steve leaned on him to talk in Josh’s ear. “It’s really hard on me.”
Josh looked back. “I know. It’s hard for me too. She says I’m lucky to have you, someone I can trust. That’s helping a lot.”
They descended a series of hairpin turns. Pahrump stretched in the distance. Beyond it, mountains ranged north to south, and beyond that, unseen, lay Death Valley.
Steve’s grip tightened around his waist. “If I didn’t love you so much, I’d say I couldn’t do it.” Steve tugged. “But then I wouldn’t be here with you.”
Bristly and soft, Steve’s chin and lips brushed against the skin on Josh’s neck, between the helmet and the collar. This was Steve’s way. He would complain and complain, and when Josh’s heart sank, out of the blue Steve said or did something like this, which renewed Josh’s hope. The arms around his waist tugged. A chin rested on his shoulder. Against the small of his back, a pressure built. He pulled over next to a juniper grove.
“Why are we stopping?” Steve asked. He hopped off the bike and adjusted himself.
“You know why.”
Josh secured the kickstand and took Steve’s hand. It was Tuesday after all. Under cover of branches, quick and discreet, well, discreet as a little cave in a juniper grove allowed, it wasn’t very romantic, what with the spider webs and the dust, but they did what they needed to do on their Tuesday. They might have spent another day in bed but would have missed out on the mountains. Soon, it was time to hit the road again.
Down in the valley, they stopped by the vineyard to taste some wine but, first, should wash up from the dust. Outside the winery door they brushed off their clothes, long sleeved light cotton to protect from the sun. Inside, they stopped by the restroom and splashed cold water on their faces.
To the tasting room, they sampled some of Pahrump’s finest vintages. In the restaurant, they got a table in a quiet corner. A good place to talk, Steve held Josh’s hand beside the water glass.
“This reminds me of that movie.”
“Which one?” Josh was afraid to ask but did anyway.
“The one where they’re holding hands in the restaurant.”
“Oh, that one.” No clue, Josh played along. He didn’t want to ruin Steve’s romantic moment.
“You’ll get better.” Steve’s eyes faced the table and then looked up. “We’ll be together every day.”
“We already are together,” Josh said. “Every day.” They were, eating, sleeping, exercising, relaxing together all the time.
“You know what I mean.”
“Isn’t this enough?” Josh asked.
“Don’t you want more?”
Who didn’t? Thankful for what he had, Josh focused on his hand where Steve held it. “I like what we have. Don’t you?”
Steve let go and lifted a wine glass. “Cheers.”
Josh joined. “Santé.” His eyes met Steve’s.
“It’s too bad there isn’t a pill.” Steve sighed. “Maybe we should get another opinion.”
A busboy walked by. “More water, sir?”
Steve’s eyes lingered and squinted. “Sure, thanks.”
The boy headed for the pitcher.
“Did he just call me sir?” Steve asked.
“What do you expect him to call you?”
“Not sir! What the fuck’s up with that?”
“He’s just being polite. You’re old enough to be his father.”
“I am not!”
“Sure, you are. He’s a kid. You’re an old man to him.”
Steve sighed. “Where’s the food? Maybe another psychiatrist would give you a pill.”
“I don’t want a pill. I like my doctor.” Okay, maybe like was a stretch for Josh, but he was making progress.
“Isn’t there anything else she can do?” Steve asked. “Hypnosis maybe?”
“There was something she suggested, but I don’t know if it was serious. I never can tell with her.”
“You never told me? Why not? What is it?” Steve lifted an eyebrow.
“She said we could get married.”
“Married? What does that have to do with it?” Steve asked.
“She said that after the honeymoon, the average couple has sex once a week. If we got married, maybe that would be enough.”
Steve huffed. “You need a new psychiatrist.”
“You picked her. I’ll see as many as you want. Maybe you should get one for yourself while you’re at it.”
“What do you mean by that?” Steve asked.
“You know.”
Steve rolled his eyes. “A lot of guys don’t do it.”
“Okay, then I won’t either.”
“I wasn’t suggesting that.”
“Then what’s your point?” Josh asked.
“I thought you liked it.”
“I can live without it. I wanted to share everything, but if we can’t, then we can’t. It’s a way to be close, but we’re not.”
“I don’t like it.”
“Why not?” Josh touched Steve’s little finger. “What happened? You won’t even talk to me about it.”
“Nothing happened.”
“Then what don’t you like about it. Did it hurt? It doesn’t have to.”
“It’s just the idea.”
“What do you mean, the idea? I’m not asking you to think about it. What happened when you did it?”
“Nothing. I didn’t.”
“You’ve never done it?”
“No, of course not.”
Josh sat back wide-eyed. “Maybe I’m being a little silly here, but this just got a lot more interesting.”
“Maybe for you.” Steve huffed.
Josh smiled and held Steve’s hand. “Maybe for you too.”
Steve pursed his lips. “All you care about is sex.”
“You think?” Josh asked. “I didn’t know you were a virgin.”
Steve rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.”
“Sure. You are.�
��
“Whatever.” Steve crossed his arms, and his expression turned to stone.
Chapter 34
Josh sat in the armchair and waited for Dr. Brinkwater. After several weekly sessions, he still couldn’t figure it out. Something bothered him. Not the upholstery, soft enough yet firm, this couldn’t be it. Maybe the proportions were too low, or long, or straight in the back. No matter how he arranged himself, he found no comfort in this chair.
When Dr. Brinkwater came in, she, too, sat in one just like it across from him. This explained a lot. Having to sit there all day long, no wonder she was edgy. Ignoring him again, she looked out the window at the desert willow. He was used to her distraction and didn’t mind. It was better this way.
She finally turned to him. “Let’s do a little exercise. Imagine your life without the curse. What would it be like?”
This one surprised him. Though she asked few questions, when she did, they were always hard. Oddly, he’d never asked her question of himself, and so it dawned on him just how much the curse was second nature. While he’d conceived of many far-fetched things, he never imagined his life without the curse, and as hard as he tried, he couldn’t.
She must have sensed his surprise, or perhaps he’d hesitated too long, because before he could answer, she threw him another zinger. “Why do you hold onto it? What does it do for you?”
What an insulting question. “I don’t hold on. It holds on to me. I would let it go if I could.”
“Then what would your life be like without it?”
“I’d be free to be myself.” He had no idea what that meant.
“How would you be different?”
He and Steve could be intimate any time they wanted. Surely, he didn’t need to spell it out. “Just the obvious.”
“Which is?”
“Steve and I could be intimate any time we wanted.”
“How do you feel about that? Is it something you think about?”
She was really probing now. It wasn’t like her. He hadn’t thought about it, and now that he did, it made him oddly uncomfortable. “I guess so.” He shifted his position in the chair, but it didn’t help.
She quietly looked at him, like she expected more. His eyes flew out the window to the tree. When he glanced back, she hadn’t followed to the flowers but still focused on him.
If she was going to do that, he had to say something. “I’m not using the safeword as much anymore. It helped. Steve says he usually sees it in my eyes ahead of time, so it isn’t always necessary. It puts me at ease. He’s very understanding and took your advice, you know. I encourage him. He still thinks I’m going to get better.” Josh stopped short. He shouldn’t have said that last thing. It made it sound like he didn’t believe it himself, about getting better. He didn’t believe it, not really. The curse would never let him go. He couldn’t imagine being there for Steve every day, anyway. It sounded like a recipe for boredom. Steve would tire of him, and it wouldn’t be the curse’s fault anymore but Josh’s own.
“You can get better.” She seemed to read his mind. “Don’t blame yourself. Relationships are difficult for many people, especially when they’ve experienced losses in their life or maybe haven’t had the best of examples. We could be ready soon to practice on the trapeze, with a net of course. Maybe we can see your uncle the day of our field trip. Will he say the same things about the curse that you told me?”
“Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t he?” That is, if his uncle said anything at all, which was highly unlikely. On Josh’s last visit, Alfonso remained skeptical. Dr. Brinkwater was probably going to think the curse was a figment of Josh’s imagination, but he hoped for the best from his uncle. “I want the safety harness. The nets are hit or miss.”
“That should be fine for now. The receptionist will schedule it for the end of the month. That’s it for today. See you next week.” Her eyes drifted out the window.
Chapter 35
Steve picked Skyfall when Josh agreed to watch a Bond film with him on Sunday night, twenty-four hours to go. It was nice spending this time with Josh, even if a little awkward some days. Steve could make it work.
He would kiss Josh on the spot but had learned the limits. His arm around Josh’s shoulders presented little threat but were he to lick Josh’s neck or try to touch his lips, it pushed the envelope. Steve’s breathing deepened, and eyelids weighed heavy.
“Are you okay?” Josh asked. “I can feel your breath on my neck.”
Steve sat up straight. His eyelashes had batted against Josh’s ear, and Steve wondered if Josh noticed that too. This could be trouble, the safeword, Steve’s nemesis, the Raoul Silva to his Bond. He hadn’t heard it in a while and didn’t want to. It really ruined the mood.
Steve’s arm on Josh’s shoulders molded closer as Josh relaxed and snuggled up a little. That was nice. Steve’s heartbeat quickened, and his head turned away from the screen. Unable to resist Josh’s face, it drew him in. If only one kiss, but he couldn’t. He wanted the Adam’s apple, which he’d only had on Tuesdays. For some reason he didn’t understand, it was otherwise forbidden.
Steve dropped a kiss on Josh’s jaw, innocent enough. A little flinch, but not much reaction, maybe it was okay. Then he licked Josh’s throat. He didn’t intend to. It just happened. Maybe it was okay this time. Steve’s free hand landed by Josh’s crotch.
Josh startled. “Don’t make me say it!”
Steve ignored his words, kneaded him, and kissed his neck. Josh squirmed at Steve’s touch, hand on soft cock. Fear must have kept it that way. Steve’s lips felt a heartbeat on the neck. It quickened, hopefully for the right reason.
Josh leaned away and shouted. “Zucchini!”
From Steve’s point of view, Josh might have made it sound a little less urgent under the circumstances, but he had agreed to honor the safeword and backed away. “Sorry. Did you really have to?”
“I did,” Josh said too quickly. “And you made me miss the movie!”
“I’ll rewind it.” Steve grabbed the remote form the table and turned back to the part before the incident. He’d gone too far and should have known better. Josh was improving but still had a long way to go. Steve’s cock throbbed. “Now I’ve got a big green one.”
“It’s your own fault.” Josh scooched to the far end of the couch.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” Steve covered his lap with the palm of hand.
“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” It was unnecessary for Josh to explain.
Time to take care of business, Steve’s pride always held him back, but the psychiatrist’s advice encouraged it. When he got up, his condition was kind of obvious, so out of courtesy, he turned away from Josh and hobbled toward the bedroom. “I’ll be back in a minute.” He tried not to walk too stilted.
“Do you want me to pause it?” Josh asked.
“No, go ahead. Watch the end. I’ve seen it.” He closed the bedroom door and unzipped. Thank God, the pressure relieved. His cock could breath. The sound from the TV came through the wall as he lay on the bed. It wouldn’t take long. He wanted Josh so bad.
When he came, he heard the movie ending and tried to keep quiet. His grunts would ruin it for Josh. After all, who wanted to watch a movie by himself and listen to his boyfriend jerking off in the next room?
Despite Steve’s efforts, the sound of Josh’s laughter came through the wall. Great, he’d heard.
The door cracked open, and Josh peaked in. Steve’s eyes closed and the bed bounced as Josh crawled next to him.
Steve’s eyelids lifted lazily. “Did you like the movie?”
“Yes.” Josh kissed his chest and then his lips.
“Sorry I missed the ending,” Steve said between Josh’s kisses.
“I wish I could have been here.” Josh eyed the wad of tissues on Steve’s stomach.
This made Steve smile. “You were here.”
“I wish I could have been here for real.” A wave of sadness washed over Josh’s
face.
If there was something Steve could say to make him feel better, he would, but he couldn’t think of anything else. “You were.”
Josh sighed. “Then I wish I could have touched you.”
“I do too. I’m sorry for going without you.”
“Don’t be. She said you should. I’m glad you did. I’m sorry I can’t.”
“What did she call it?” Steve asked.
“Taking responsibility for your own.”
“Oh, yeah. Huh, and my dad says I’m irresponsible. What does he know?”
When Steve was spent like this, it was his favorite time with Josh, who liked to cuddle with him then. Josh felt safer now, Steve guessed. Josh took advantage of the opportunity, always able to control himself. He rolled on top of Steve and slid his arms under Steve’s shoulders, hugged, and buried his face in the crook of Steve’s neck. Not too much before he rolled off, Josh never got aroused before Tuesday unless asleep. Every waking minute, he shut it down. How he did it was incomprehensible to Steve.
Now no fear nor tension burdened Josh’s face. Unaroused, something new got Steve’s attention lately. From familiarity, a warmth and affection built on patience and kindness during these weeks of frustration, which he shared with Josh willingly. While they couldn’t give each other everything they wanted, they did what they could, and it would be enough until it wasn’t. This might be love.
Chapter 36
A Sunday afternoon was something he seldom saw before he met Steve. Josh had slept through it and never attended the party. At the Pyramid, men filled the pool like soup, simmering in a hot summer sun. Guys flew in from all over the country for the weekly event and paid a pretty penny for admission to the balmy water. Locals got a discount.
“Do I have to go?” Josh asked.
“We never see my friends. I want you to meet them.” Steve sat on the bed.
“What should I wear?” Josh sorted through the drawer.
“Something sexy.” Steve’s voice was gravelly today.
“Is clothing optional?” Josh asked. This was irony. Sexy? For Steve’s friends? Why?
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