by B. V. Larson
“You’re gonna listen to me, old boy,” I said to myself, huffing and puffing inside my helmet as I bounced and skittered over the giant’s hull. “Just you wait.”
I figured that planting the bomb in the middle of the most dented spot was my best bet. It should be mentioned that I didn’t expect to kill the Skay, or even to breach his hull. It took more than one A-bomb to do that. It took hundreds if our previous encounters were a good guide. We’d tried to fight the Skay before with such weapons, and it had taken a shitload of punishment to kill just one of them.
But killing the Skay wasn’t really my goal. I was just trying to kick him in the ass and get his attention.
Whistling badly, I switched on the bomb’s timer. Once it was ticking away, I promptly teleported to the far side of the monster, over near its mouth. Then, I waited.
It didn’t take long. If the Skay had been a normal planet with an atmosphere, the blast might well have sent a shockwave, a dense blast of air, all the way around to where I’d placed myself. But there was no air on the surface of a Skay. It was just like the Moon in that regard.
What there was, however, was a reverberation sent through the massive hull. That raced around the surface and vibrated my feet. It was numbing, like when you beat a baseball bat on the sidewalk until it breaks—it hurts your hands.
The vibration buzzed up through my boots and made my bones ache. I stumbled around and fell on my knees.
“TINY CREATURE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”
I pointlessly put my hands up to cover my ears—but there was a helmet in the way.
“Jeez! Turn it down, Mr. Skay!”
“You dare threaten me? You think you can destroy me, the immense demigod of a thousand conflicts? Know you, mortal sub-insect, that I was alive and warring when this Moon of yours died. That I have presided over the explosion of a dozen suns, the death of countless trillions of puny irritants like you, and—”
“Hey, hey,” I said, “settle down, Master Skay. I’m not trying to blow you up. I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Impudence has no comparator to your case.”
“That’s probably true…” I admitted. “But hey, listen, I want to make a deal with you.”
“There is no need. No human possesses anything of interest to me. My existence is almost incomprehensible to your microscopic brain. Even speaking theoretically—”
“Yeah, yeah, I got all that. But listen to my offer: I can allow you to take over 91 Aquarii today. Right now, with no waiting around for the star system to drift into your space. What do you say?”
Silence reigned for several long seconds. “What you say is impossible. I have no record of your authority. I have no reason to trust, negotiate, or—”
“Jeez! What’s wrong you people? Here I am, trying to offer up a fantastic bargain, and all I get is talk about what can’t be done. Let me tell you what can be done: I can send you back to the Core Worlds as a winner. As the Skay that came out to this dismal frontier and returned in triumph.”
Again, the Skay hesitated. I knew I was tempting him something awful.
“Your thought-processes are illogical and far-fetched. However, you have intrigued me enough to give you a warning: speak quickly, for you don’t have long to exist.”
“Huh…?”
I looked around, suddenly feeling kind of exposed out here on this bright-lit cue ball-like surface. I looked north, then south, but I didn’t see a thing.
Of course, there wasn’t going to be some cloud of dust rising on the horizon. If he’d sent a flying drone out, or even a galloping predatory hunter-killer—there wouldn’t be much warning. Whatever monstrosity the Skay had sent out to find me would simply plunge over the horizon and do its worst. There wouldn’t be any sound or much time to react.
Still, I couldn’t help looking this way and that. It made me a bit nervous, and I don’t mind admitting it.
“Are you still alive, you absurdity?” the Skay asked.
“I sure as hell am. I’m alive and well, and I’m getting ready to deliver my next love-tap. This one will be sixty-seven times the size of the last one.”
“Sixty-seven times? An antimatter warhead of that capacity would outweigh your estimated mass.”
“Yeah well… you’d better calculate again! Or instead, you could just listen-up for a second.”
“You are wasting your final precious moments of existence.”
“Okay, okay. Here’s the deal: we’re the enforcers in Province 921. You’re the local authority in Province 926, right?”
“Stating the obvious is no less of a waste of time than—”
“Right, okay. The Nairbs judged that you lost the contest on Edge World—but they’re gone. So is Nox—her ship has left the province. What if we both—”
A shadow fell over me at that moment. It was a really big shadow, and it had come from the east. Had I looked in that direction? I wasn’t sure—but it didn’t really matter.
A massive construction of metal and meat fell upon me. It lowered a pair of jaws that yawned bigger than my helmet. The jaws were lined with bright metal teeth. Each curved titanium fang in that massive maw was thicker than my thumb and twice as long.
Instinctively, I threw up my left arm. It was going to for my head, to chomp down on my helmet. If I let it do that, I was probably a goner.
Accordingly, I let it take my arm instead. The massive jaws crushed down—but the fangs couldn’t penetrate my armor. Instead, they crushed the bones inside to jelly.
I shouted and carried on—but I didn’t die. The thing picked me up, shook me with its powerful neck, and tossed me across the barren surface of the Skay. I rolled and tumbled for a long time, being in low-gravity and all.
“Have you had time to consider my offer?” I asked loudly.
“You’re still alive?”
“Yes, of course. I’m setting off my next bomb in a few seconds. I’m glad you sent this creature out here—I needed more mass to merge up with the anti-matter. I wasn’t sure if the star matter of your hull would work right or not.”
“Your understanding of quantum mechanics is poor,” the Skay admonished.
When I finally stopped rolling around and grunting in pain, I saw the beast lumbering toward me. It looked me over, probably deciding what part to chomp on next. Using my good arm, I reached to the teleport harness—but I hesitated.
“This is your last chance, Mr. Skay. Will you take possession of 91 Aquarii and give us back our Moon? You’ll be able to return to the Core Worlds as a winner, not just a loser towing some ancient trophy.”
“Your analogy is weak. All Skay win, all the time. There is no other acceptable option.”
The big monster dipped its big ugly head again. Obligingly, but not without a grimace, I shoved my boot up into its mouth. It began chewing and grinding away. My foot was mangled-up something awful. There wasn’t anything more than pulp left from the shinbone on down.
Feeling a sick explosion of shock and a hot trickle of blood running down my leg to wet my balls in a gush, I knew I didn’t have too long left to keep bargaining.
My one good hand gripped the teleport harness return button.
“Last chance,” I gurgled. “Is it a deal, or not?”
“The Mogwa would never approve of your suggested trade.”
“Doesn’t matter,” I slurred. “There are no Mogwa here. They don’t come out here for decades, sometimes. Humans are left in charge in their absence. We’re making our own deal. Do you want 91 Aquarii right now or not?”
A few more seconds went by before I saw the monster stop chewing on my foot. Confused by its inability to eat me, it decided to bulge up its neck muscles again—or neck motors, whatever. It whipped its neck around, and it gave me a mighty heave. Due to the low gravitational pull, I flew up into space.
Twirling and tumbling, I spun up so high I just about reached escape velocity. But then the Skay’s gravitational field caught me again, and I began to fall.
Spinning like I wa
s, I knew I couldn’t afford to land and be struck by the kind of force that was coming my way. I’d be way past hurt, I’d be stone dead in an instant. After all, body armor only does so much to protect a man.
Grasping desperately, I managed to get ahold of the teleport activation button. I pushed it down, hoping against hope that the mechanism would even work at this point.
To my relief, the spinning universe began to pulse and turn blue-white. I vomited, and I grinned—I was going to escape.
“Agreed.”
At that moment, as I was teleporting away and slamming back down onto the surface of the Skay in the same instant, I wasn’t even sure I’d heard the Skay’s single word.
But I had heard it.
Then I vanished. I’d teleported away with a big grin. I couldn’t remember arriving back on Dominus. I must have lost consciousness by then.
Best of all, I’d done it all at about the same time.
* * *
There were instruments beeping in my ears. It was annoying.
“He’s awake. Ask him—ask him now before he passes out again.”
My eyes fluttered. I couldn’t believe I was alive—but I wasn’t in a regular revival chamber. I was on an operating table, and there were cold fingers and surgical steel pressing my numerous injuries.
“Oh… shit,” I said. “I don’t feel so good.”
“McGill?” Graves said, poking his craggy face into mine. “What did you do out there? What the hell did you do?”
“I fixed it, Primus. I fixed everything.”
Big hands grabbed my shoulders, and he shook me. “The Skay is leaving. It’s ignoring our every hail. How did you do it? What did you tell that thing? Where’s it going next?”
“Uh… can I get a flesh-printer going, or something? I don’t think I’m a hundred-percent right now.”
“You arrived on Gray Deck in a mangled state. You’re not going to make it, but Drusus hasn’t approved you to die yet. We filled you with happy-drugs to keep you breathing for a few more minutes.”
I laughed, and I spit up some blood. “You’re right. I do feel kind of high. That’s downright considerate of old Drusus.”
Graves shook me again. I got the feeling that there were several bio-people fluttering around me. They began poking me through the secret holes they’d built into my suit. I would have to remember to plug those up with some pot-metal or something in the future.
“Talk to me, you idiot! We know you cut a deal with the Skay, but we have to know what it is.”
I shook my head. Old Claver had once given me a secret to a long life. He said I should always leave a hostile audience wanting more. That my last act should always be to tease people, to give them a good reason not to perm me.
“Sorry sir,” I said, “you’ll have to ask the next version of McGill. This one is finished.”
Graves bared his teeth at me like a dog. He dropped me back onto the table.
“All right. Recycle him.”
“Head-first or feet-first?”
“Whatever you feel like.”
That was a disappointment. Even full of drugs, going into those spinning blades feet-first was no picnic. I struggled to lift my head to see the bio-people—but I couldn’t do it.
At last, an angelic face rose up into my hazy field of view. “James? You look awful.”
It was Dawn, the girl from the Moon base I’d dated for a time.
“Hey, Dawn? Are we on the Moon?”
She laughed. “No, the Moon was evacuated days ago.”
“Oh… that’s right.”
“I’m going to have to kill you now. Sorry.”
“That’s okay… Hey? How about a date when I get back?”
“Are you sure you won’t get permed or anything?”
“Nah. Graves loves me.”
“I can tell.”
I felt a tiny sting, and I began dying. I reached out a big clumsy hand—the one that still half-worked. “What about that date?”
“Sure, James. Just go to sleep now.”
I did as she asked, and I died for reals this time with a smile on my face.
-80-
When I came awake again, I was circled by smiling faces. Drusus was there, Galina was there—even Graves.
Graves wasn’t smiling, mind you, but you can’t have everything.
“Wow,” I muttered when my mouth worked right. “This is an honor—uh, that is if you guys are really happy to see me. Not just enjoying a few brews before the perming party, or something…?”
Drusus laughed. “Hardly. What you did out there—it was unbelievable. The Skay just turned around and withdrew. It let go of our Moon and even gave it a nudge so its orbit wouldn’t decay.”
“You don’t say? Wow. I didn’t even ask for that!”
They chattered a bit while I climbed into the shower they had installed—and I realized at that point I’d been revived in the VIP chamber. That was another shocker. Legion Varus didn’t have this kind of spacious, clean and luxury-minded setup for any other revival room. Just this one.
After taking a few minutes, I climbed out and stood in the buff with my hands on my hips. “Say, how about we all go down to the officers’ lounge and celebrate?”
“You might want to put some pants on first,” Galina suggested. She handed me a uniform, and I pulled it on.
Laughing, we all walked out into the passages. I was in the lead, with Drusus at my side. Galina and Graves brought up the rear.
“The one thing we’d like to know is how you did it,” Drusus said. “What kind of trick did you use? Did you have some intel? Some secret you threatened to release?”
“Uh…”
“It had to be something good,” Galina chimed in. “Something powerful. Something like threatening to tell the Mogwa that the Skay have genocidal bio-weapons... Right?”
“Oh…” I said, reaching up a finger to scratch under my ear. “Didn’t you guys hear the conversation? I was broadcasting for all I was worth just to get the big cue ball’s attention.”
“No, no, we couldn’t,” Drusus told me. “Not after you set off the bomb. There was too much radiation, see. Lots of EMP interference. I must say, the use of an A-bomb to get the attention of a Skay—that was a unique solution. I doubt such weapons have ever been set off to start peace-talks before.”
“Heh, nope. Probably not.”
Inside, my guts were just starting to do a slow roll. These guys didn’t know. They didn’t know about the deal I’d made to get our Moon back. That meant all this love-and-biscuits routine might be… premature.
Glancing over my shoulder, I snuck a look at Graves. He didn’t look happy. He’d been the only one who wasn’t talking, laughing, or clapping me on the back. Maybe that was because he’d known me longer than any of them. Besides that, he’d always been a “trust-but-verify” kind of guy.
“Let’s get that drink before they close for the night!” I said, and I set off at a ground-eating pace. They all had to struggle to keep up.
All of them, that was, except for Graves. He let himself fall behind. He didn’t seem to care.
When we got to the officers’ club, I immediately bought a round for everyone. That was only good policy, the way I figured it. When you had to deliver startling news, it was best to do so when your target had an adult beverage in their hand. In this case, I suspected they might need two of them.
“…but let’s get back to the point, McGill,” Drusus said. “You haven’t answered my questions yet.”
“That’s true,” I admitted. “Sometimes, a man needs to have a secret or three. After all, I just woke up from yet another revive. That reminds me, do you ever have dreams when you’re dead? I had a doozy this time around. It was about this one-legged duck, see—”
“McGill,” Galina said, interrupting, “you’re dodging again.”
My eyes slid around from face to face. They were beginning to suspect something was wrong. Turov and Drusus were at least—but Graves? Wel
l, I could tell by the scowl growing on his craggy face that he was beyond the point of having suspicions. He damned-well knew something was up.
This was a critical juncture. When a man like me is faced with a difficult moment, my natural urge is to lie my ass off. That’s just how my brain is wired. Never admit anything, delay the day of truth until it wasn’t possible to put it off any longer—then come up with a new dodge. I’d lived by that simple creed all my long and storied life.
But this was different. Oh sure, I could probably get away with some tall tale about how I knew the Skay’s aunt was really his mother, and how we’d both loved the same kind of puppy when we were young—any kind of horseshit that came to mind.
But that wouldn’t solve things for long, no sir. After a few days, a week tops, the Shadowlanders were going to be calling Central to ask why they had their extra moon back in orbit, and why it was demanding they all fall on their knees in the moss and start worshipping their new god.
Even knowing this, I wanted to start lying. I seriously did. What a few glorious days I might live. Galina already thought I was some kind of hero. That would probably result in some nice rewards for me. On top of that, Dawn had promised me a hot date as well. You might think that entertaining two women might not be workable, but a man with my skills could probably manage the situation to everyone’s satisfaction…
“McGill!”
It was Galina, she was standing tall now, and she had put her second beer down. She’d obviously been talking to me, and I hadn’t been listening. Not at all.
“Uh… sorry. Could you repeat that last part?”
She put her hands on her hips in disbelief. “Seriously? You didn’t hear a word I asked you?”
“Uh…”
“McGill,” another voice spoke up for the very first time.
It was Graves, and he had his drink on the table in front of him. It was utterly untouched. His face was like stone.
“Tell us the truth, Centurion. Tell us what we don’t want to hear. Whatever it is, we’re all going to find out soon enough.”
My mouth fell open for a bit. Then I worked my lips silently for a few seconds more. It was as if I’d been struck dumb.