by H M Thomas
She shook her head. “They say the two of you are pretty close. I assumed.”
“We’re not together. We’ve never been together together.”
“You mean you’ve never been exclusively a couple,” she corrected. “Because I’m pretty sure you’ve actually been seen together together.”
~ ~ ~
Gretchen tried to block out the images conjured by the things Neil had told her other agents had reported seeing Finn and Ronnie do.
“You’re right.” He shrugged. “Is that a problem? I assumed you knew I wasn’t a virgin when we started sleeping together.”
Her gaze snapped to his then, his words a reminder of how he’d turned her away a decade ago. She swallowed down the lingering burn. “I’m well aware of how you feel about virginity.”
She turned away and made her way to his bedroom. She needed to gather her things so she could head back to her real life for the next few days.
“Gretchen.” He followed her into the bedroom, where she was already stuffing clothes into her bag. “What are you doing?”
“Getting my things.” She headed into the bathroom.
“I stand behind what I did ten years ago.” He blocked the doorway with his arms braced against the frame.
She forced herself to focus on his face and not the expanse of bare, sculpted muscles on display.
He shook his head. “I wasn’t the man you wanted to be with the first time.”
“You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted to be with,” she confessed.
They glared at each other until Gretchen thought she’d choke on the words neither of them said. Finn opened his mouth to speak. Before he could, she shook her head and ducked under his arm.
“Please don’t say anything,” she urged. “It’ll probably only get worse.”
He watched her from across the room. “There’s no reason for you to be jealous of Ronnie.”
She spun on him. “What did I say about not saying anything? I’m not jealous. I just don’t understand how you could be with someone like her after your mother.”
“Why? Because my mom was a whore and so was Ronnie?” His temper flared to life.
Gretchen didn’t flinch. “No.” She pulled a deep breath in through her nose. “You were ready to kill Raymond Carlisle. You blamed him when your stepdad killed your mom. You thought Carlisle had forced her to sleep with other men, and you hated him.”
“I didn’t hate him,” he argued.
“Don’t.” She pushed a finger into his chest. “This is me. I saw you. I saw the look in your eyes.” A look that had haunted her for the past ten years reminding her of the broken boy he’d once been.
“It wasn’t Raymond’s fault,” he spoke through clenched teeth. “She chose.”
Gretchen sighed “I know. Ronnie’s girls don’t always get that luxury though, do they?”
He narrowed his eyes on hers, but he didn’t answer. They’d made a deal, here in this bedroom, that she wouldn’t ask him for information, and though it hadn’t been her intention, she’d come too close to the truth.
She nodded slowly before she turned back to her bag and zipped it. Despite what he’d said about her being the only one who really knew him, she’s begun to think the Finn she thought she knew didn’t exist. When it came down to it, Finn would choose this life over her every time.
“Where are you going?” he asked when she picked up her bag and strode to the door of his bedroom.
“I have to get back to my real life. When I spend too much time here, I forget this is make believe.” She didn’t turn toward him. She didn’t have the strength to look into those gray eyes and resist his con.
“Gretchen.”
She paused with her hand on the knob, but she didn’t look at him. He gripped her shoulder and turned her. His hand slid from her shoulder to her neck and his fingers stretched out to tangle in her curly hair. He brought her mouth to his and kissed her firmly, before he eased back and let his tongue wrestle lazily with hers. She surrendered. Already she’d learned she couldn’t fight her feelings for him. When he touched her like this, she could almost believe he loved her . . . almost.
Putting her hands on his chest, she ignored the warmth that radiated through her palms and forced herself to push him away. “I have to go. That’s one way we’re different, huh? I have to float back and forth, and you get to hide out here forever.”
“I’m not hiding. This is me, Gretchen.”
“A part of you, maybe, but it’s not all of you.” It couldn’t be. She couldn’t love him like this if a con-man and enforcer were all he was. Could she? No.
“You’re a good man. I’ve always known that. Maybe one day I’ll understand you.” Lifting to her toes, she kissed him gently and then walked away.
Chapter 8
“Christensen, in my office . . . now!”
Gretchen looked up as her captain marched past her desk and into his office. He left the door open for her to follow. She glanced at Neil, who stared back at her, his brows disappearing into his dark hair, before she slowly rose and did as she was told. Even after five years on the job, following orders went against her instincts.
“Shut the door,” Carpenter snapped as she walked in.
Swallowing, she pulled the door closed behind her, then trudged across the room to stand by his desk.
“Sit,” he barked.
She suppressed an eye roll as she slid into the chair.
“I’ve received intel from our deep cover.” He steepled his fingers under his pointy chin.
“As you should.” She nodded as if the idea didn’t bother her.
“He knows who you are. He’s reported about you as well.” He glared at her.
She didn’t react, she’d been trained too well not to. “And?”
“And is there anything you want to tell me, so I don’t think you were trying not to tell me?”
She’d expected this. Sooner or later someone would find out she’d slept with Finn. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t have minded offering information about who she was sleeping with, but these were far from normal circumstances.
“I suppose you mean me sleeping with Jay Finley.” She relaxed into the chair and rested an arm on the back as she crossed her legs. “It’s true, I am. Is that a problem?”
Damn right, it was a problem, not that other agents hadn’t done similar things in the past. Their team didn’t always follow typical rules and procedures, but they always got the job done. Unfortunately, the rules tended to be slightly different when it came to the only female agent.
“Why are you sleeping with him?” Carpenter seemed genuinely surprised.
“Other than you ordering me to sleep with someone?” Okay maybe he hadn’t ordered her to actually sleep with someone, but he’d put the idea out there.
“You know that’s not what I said.”
She waved him off. It could be fun to watch him squirm, but it would only prolong this powwow. “Finley’s hot and frankly he’s the best lay I’ve ever had,” she answered candidly. “I couldn’t find a downside.”
Carpenter looked away.
“Come on. If this were Neil, you’d ask for details.” She pushed forward in her seat when he didn’t answer. “Listen. You were right. I needed to do something to take Carlisle’s suspicions from me. It’s no hardship for me to sleep with Finley, and he put the word out I belong to him, so no one messes with me or tries to get in my pants. Do you know how many times creepy guys tried to grope me before he came along? I’m a pole dancer, Carp, they assume I’m easy.” She waved a hand as if this were all no big deal.
“Besides no one questions why a lowly pole dancer’s hanging out with the top guys when they know she’s screwing one of them. All the information I turned over today came
from sitting on Jay’s lap and listening to the men talk shop.”
Carpenter ran a hand over his face before he cupped his chin and stared out the window. She needed him to see the pros in this or he’d pull her off the case. Everyone seemed to want an excuse to put her at a desk and let the men take over.
Finally, he sighed and turned to her. “You’re sure this is all consensual?”
She snickered. “Oh, it’s definitely consensual.”
He didn’t laugh the way he would if she’d been Neil or Jackson.
“You’ve heard of Ronnie Sinclair?” His eyes narrowed as he changed subjects. “She and Finley have been together in the past, does that affect you?”
She’d been asking herself the same thing since Neil told her about the other woman’s relationship with Finn.
“I know how to play the game,” she assured her boss. “We’re sleeping together, not engaged.”
He huffed. “Okay. She’ll be back, and I’d like to nail her.”
Gretchen’s eyebrow lifted fractionally at his word choice.
He rolled his eyes. “Arrest her.”
She stifled her grin. “I’m working on it. I don’t think I’ll have trouble getting what we need.”
Carpenter nodded. “And what happens if you lose favor with Finley?”
Gretchen shrugged, trying to hide her fear of that very thing. “Even if he doesn’t want to sleep with me, we get along fine. I think he’ll still look out for me.”
“I hope you’re right.” Carpenter sat back, studying her.
Yeah. She hoped so too, not so much for the sake of her safety as for the sake of her heart.
~ ~ ~
Gretchen ducked, dodging the punch Neil threw at her and kicked out with her foot. He slid to the side and quickly sidestepped her, so he could wrap an arm around her neck and wrench her arm behind her back. She hadn’t expected that, but she should have. If her thoughts weren’t still on her conversation with Carpenter, she would have. Neil’s grip slipped as their sweat-slickened bodies slid against each other, and she pushed at his arm, finally able to wiggle out from under his clutch to spin and break his hold.
He shook his head. “You won’t get away so easily from Carlisle’s guys.”
“And I’ll probably be wearing even less.” She tried for a joke as she looked down at her sports bra and tight spandex shorts.
“Don’t remind me.” He shook his head and placed the sparring pads on his hands, holding them up for her to hit.
“Who’s training who in here?”
Gretchen looked over as Corey came through the door of their makeshift gym. She lifted her chin in acknowledgement as she started on the pads Neil held up for her. She’d noticed him at the club after she danced a few nights ago. Seeing him now, knowing he’d seen her half-dressed dancing on a pole, made her feel exposed in a way she hadn’t experienced on stage.
“Neil’s helping me stay sharp.” She took a deep breath and wiped the sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand.
Corey raised a brow, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “From what I hear, you won’t need any of those moves.”
Gretchen ignored him. Although Callahan worked in the same circles, she couldn’t think of where he would’ve heard anything about her.
“What’re you talking about?” Neil kept up with each of her increasing strikes.
Corey shrugged. “The word’s been put out that anyone who touches the new dancer gets the shit beat out of him, touch her enough and you’re dead.”
Gretchen stopped mid-strike at the sound of sincerity in Callahan’s voice.
Neil dropped his hands and turned toward the other agent. “Who said that?
“Jay Finley,” Corey answered.
Neil turned back to her. “Jay Finley? Why’s he warning people away from you?”
She looked away from the storm brewing in her partner’s gaze. He knew exactly why the warning had been given.
“You haven’t told him?” Corey’s voice exposed the smile on his face, before she turned to glare at him and it disappeared. He knew she hadn’t said anything.
“I told you I had an in.” She tried for nonchalance as she moved back to Neil. “Jay Finley’s my in.”
“Is that what you call it?” Corey quipped. “Why? Because he’s in—”
“That’s enough,” Neil snarled.
She raised a shoulder as if none of this mattered. “I didn’t know Jay’d made any declarations about my safety.”
“She’s sleeping with him,” Corey clarified. “That’s why he’s protecting her.”
Neil slid his glare back to her, and this time she met it with pure defiance.
“You’re sleeping with him?”
Gretchen’s anger waned at the clear sound of desperation in her partner’s voice. She knew the lines between them were blurry, and she hadn’t meant to do anything to hurt him, but as she forced herself to take in the betrayal etched on every bit of his handsome face, she realized that’s exactly what she’d done.
“It’s not like the two of you haven’t done it before,” she reminded the men.
“I’ve never slept with the mark,” Corey offered.
“Finley is not the mark,” she spat before reeling in her anger. She didn’t need either of them to look too closely at Finn. “We’re after Carlisle.”
“We’re after Carlisle’s organization and everyone associated with it,” Neil reminded her. “He wouldn’t even have an organization if it weren’t for Jay Finley.”
“Carlisle may have the money and the name,” Corey continued, “but Finley’s the balls behind it. Nothing happens without his approval and enforcement.”
“There wouldn’t be blood on Carlisle’s hands if Finley didn’t shed it,” Neil finished.
Gretchen ran her sweaty hands over the short legs of her shorts. She tried to tell herself they weren’t describing Finn, tried to separate the man she’d fallen in love with from the man he was in that other world, but even if she could do that, no one else ever would.
She swallowed and turned back to Neil. “So, I guess it’s a good thing he has my back.”
Neil dropped his head back to look at the ceiling and let out a long, exasperated breath. “If you’re not working out, I’m sure you have better places to be, Callahan,” he spoke without looking at the other man.
Callahan chuckled. “Yeah, sure.”
He glanced at Gretchen. She suppressed the urge to lunge for his throat and shot up her middle finger instead. Callahan blew her a kiss, before he backed out the door.
She looked back at her partner. “Listen, Neil, it’s not—”
He’d turned away and paced to the other side of the room. “Jay Finley,” he muttered. “What the hell, Gretchen? Has he made you? Does he know who you are?” He turned back to her, and the mild storm in his eyes moments before was full blown and raging now.
“No,” she lied too smoothly. “No one knows I’m undercover. I’m a pole dancer who happens to be sleeping with him.”
“Ronnie Sinclair is the only woman he sleeps with at the clubs. Why you?”
She flinched slightly. He hadn’t meant to insult her. It was a legitimate question for someone who didn’t know she and Finn had a history, but still it managed to make her feel less than worthy of Finn’s affection or Neil’s trust.
“Gee, thanks.” Moving to the corner of the room, she packed up her things.
“That’s not what I meant. I’m worried about you.” He stood behind her now, his heat warming the bare skin of her back. “Sex is . . . It makes you vulnerable, Gretchen, and you can’t afford to be vulnerable. I won’t let them—or you—risk you like that.”
She closed her eyes against the emotion in his voice. “We’re
not like that, it’s not like that,” she lied again.
Everything he said was right, but she couldn’t do anything to change it. Her feelings for Finn went far beyond this case. She zipped her bag and turned toward Neil, forcing an easy smile.
He nodded proudly. “You’re damn good. But remember, I know you, Gretchen, too well.”
She shook her head against the truth. For their last undercover assignment, they’d lived next door to a drug dealer as newlyweds. It hadn’t taken long for the lines between their real lives and the mission to become blurred. Heat crept up her neck at the memories. Only Finn knew her better than Neil, and she had to admit that was just barely. “It’s a part of the job.”
A muscle in Neil’s jaw ticked, before he spun and made his way to the door. “Yeah, that’s you, always willing to do whatever it takes for the job.”
She considered stopping him and telling him she could never share her body with someone for the job, whether it be her partner or the mark, but she couldn’t afford to risk Finn to spare Neil’s feelings. Besides, it was better to let him believe she could never care for him, because truth be told, she’d never love anyone the way she did Finn James.
~ ~ ~
The little hairs on the back of Gretchen’s neck tingled with awareness as she stepped out of the confines of the makeshift hideaway that housed her team and into the open. She strode across the street to where her beat up Jeep awaited, scanning the vacant lot next door for prying eyes.
“This yours?”
Despite the familiar thrill her body felt as it recognized the deep voice, Gretchen reached for her gun as she spun around.
“Whoa, baby.” Finn held up his hands in surrender, but the smirk on his face said he was more than ready to tussle with her.
She pulled her hand away from her gun and gave the lot another quick scan, this time to make sure no agents were watching. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you.” He shrugged, as if he stood outside of federal agency headquarters every day. “I was wondering if you’d take a little drive with me, maybe cancel any plans you have for the next day or two.”