I closed my eyes against the blue sea. The ache inside split me open—leaving nothing but a hollow shell sitting in front of Bryan, trying to reason with him.
The shell opened her eyes. “There’s just one flaw with your little plan.” The ache hardened into icicles in her gut, ready to pummel him with icy daggers. “You’re telling me everything you want me to do and everything the Guardians want from me. What about what I want? Because I don’t want to trade secrets for affection. And I don’t want to date anyone in secret. Even you. It’s duplicitous. That’s just not me.”
The rest of me, what was left of my heart, floated above the table. Like I couldn’t watch it unfold any more. This chess match.
Arms of warmth wrapped around me. Softer than any arms I’d ever known. Wings. My angel was with me, holding me above the storm below. Keeping the broken pieces together.
Bryan cringed. Arched back to his side of the booth. “I never wanted you to get within ten feet of that Mama’s Boy. That was not my plan. I hope you know that by now.”
It wasn’t enough. The shell wanted more. “So what was your plan? Did it include not telling me about Shanda? Because I think having my roommate at my side, going double agent with me, would be a helpful little tidbit to mention.”
His cheeks simmered. “Not my call either. But I couldn’t disobey the Guardian council. They threatened to send you off to Europe. Harlixton and I came up with this alternative.”
Floating me turned back to the fight. “Europe, really? Would James be there, too?”
“Maybe, but that’s not the point.” His eyes darted away, like he was hiding something. “It’s dangerous over there. The fighting is escalating, getting public notice. Not like over here, where everything’s still covert.”
“Did you ever ask what I wanted? No, you just decided what was best for me. Maybe I want to fight.” The splintered versions of me inched closer together, almost merging back into one. “Maybe I want someone, my boyfriend, to fight for me.”
“That’s exactly what I did!” His eyes were wild now. Scanning me, scanning the dining room. “I fought for you to stay here. To keep you safe. You don’t know what it’s like over there. It’s scary. And dangerous. I couldn’t risk losing you. Not like that.”
My heart pricked. In a rush of breath. I was me again, whole and hurting at the desperation in his eyes. “Hey, shush. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Only because you didn’t discuss any of this with me.”
“But the council—”
I put up my hand. “Listen, I don’t care what the council says. We were in a relationship. That means you’re supposed to tell me things. At least, that’s what I thought. I know you’ve been a Guardian since the dark ages, long before you met me. But I thought we had something special. I thought we could tell each other anything. Even the hard stuff.”
Tears gathered in my eyes. Thud. I dropped my hand to the tabletop. “Especially the hard stuff.”
Suddenly his hand slid over mine and I couldn’t think anymore. Couldn’t breathe. All those memories, all those months last semester, came racing back to me.
And I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. It was his turn now.
“You’re right, sweetie, we do have something special.” His thumb rubbed the back of my hand, rough but steady. “I should’ve told you about what was going on, before anything was decided. But please don’t think I didn’t fight for you. Because I did fight for you. I’m still fighting for you.”
I wobbled on the vinyl bench, squeezing his hand like I couldn’t stay upright without him. “Not hard enough. I don’t want a secret relationship. I don’t want to be a spy. And I don’t want to use Will.”
He dropped my hand and snapped back fast, rocking the booth. “What’re you saying, that you care about him or something?”
I shook my head. That wasn’t the issue here. “He’s not the monster you guys make him out to be. He’s a mixed up kid who doesn’t deserve to be used. No matter who his parents are.”
“You have no idea what he’s capable of.” He kneaded his shoulder. “Don’t think for one second that he’s not using you right now. That you aren’t a pawn in his twisted plan.”
“I saw the shadows, remember? I know what he’s capable of.” The light descended around me, forcing back the memory. Illuminating a new truth. “But if he’s so dangerous, why would you ever agree to the Guardian’s plan? Don’t you want to protect me?”
That was it—the real reason I was so upset. Because I wanted him to protect me. And I thought he would.
His jaw opened. Closed. Dropped again. “Lucy, I … of course I want to protect you. I just…”
“Can’t go against the Guardians,” I finished for him. “I can’t win, no matter what I do. No one deserves to be a pawn in someone else’s game. Not him. Not you. Not me. I’m just a weapon for one side or the other.”
The fluorescent light blinked, and a surge of adrenaline pumped through me. Angel nodded, like I’d just hit on the real truth in all this madness.
I squared off, targeting my glare at Bryan. “It ends today. I want to negotiate my own terms.”
He rubbed his hands together. “Now we’re talking. Name ‘em.”
“First, I want to work with Shanda to gather the intel. But I won’t manipulate Will. Period.” He flinched at that, but I rumbled on. “When we’re done, by the end of the semester, both of us get to join the Guardians.” I sat back and waited. Chest tight. Breath shallow.
Slowly, back and forth, he wagged his head. “That’s too steep. I can probably get the okay on Shanda, maybe even her joining up. But they won’t let you join unless we’re on the brink of war. If you got Will to trust you, as a friend, then they might go for it.”
I bit into my cheek. Could a make a small concession like that? I knew how dangerous it was, walking that tightrope called Will. But I was so close to making things better. “That could work. As long as it’s nothing romantic.”
“I think we can both agree on that. There’s just one more thing.” He swallowed the dregs of his coffee, then clanked the cup down onto the table. “What about us? Are we going to make it?”
“I don’t know.” The icicles inside me had melted by now. Still, I shivered. I couldn’t lie, not to him. He deserved better. “If you’re asking me to be a Guardian puppet, then I don’t think so. You can’t have it both ways.”
“Okay, I get that.” He squeezed his eyes shut, only opening them in slits. Like he couldn’t look at me. “So we’re really breaking up? For good?”
Bile rose in my throat, but I gulped it back. “I think we have to. Unless you want to send me off to Europe.”
“No way.” He shook his head, threw down some money, and led me out the door into the night. “I’d rather you stay alive and spy on Nexis than risk your life on the battlefield.”
“Both options suck. Wait, did you say battlefield?” The word hung like a frozen shadow in the icy air. I shimmied into Old Faithful. “Is that really what it’s like over there?”
He started the car. “I’m afraid so. It’s not all-out war yet. But it will be soon.”
“Maybe then I could join the Guardians.” The streetlights whizzed by, but he didn’t answer. Even I knew it was a pipe dream, me teaming up with James in Europe, duking it out with the Nexis baddies. Yeah, right. Never gonna happen. Why couldn’t the Seer choose her own fate?
We were back at Montrose all too soon. He parked in the back of the lot and turned off the car, never looking at me.
“Lucy, I still love you. So don’t write me off just yet. Save a little piece of your heart for me.”
“I hope I can. Because I still love you, too.” I grabbed his hand, pulling him closer.
For a second his forehead rested on mine. Then his lips dove into my mouth, kissing me hard. His fingers burrowed into my hair, pressing me in closer. As if we could stay locked like this forever.
Lost in the moment I forgot to think, forgot to breathe.
D
id I slap him? He pulled away as if I had. My heart ached as if I had.
His breath was heavy, cheeks flushed. “Maybe we had more problems than I thought. Or else you would’ve told me about Will and the New Year’s Eve party.”
“How did you—” My gut clenched, threatening to tear in two again. “What did you see?”
His eyes landed on me, a searing look that curled my toes. “Those strange shadows around him. White and black and gray. I get it now.” He shivered.
“Get what?” I gulped.
“You have feelings for him.”
And it was my turn to feel like I’d just been slapped.
“See, you can’t even deny it. I feel so stupid.” Bryan rubbed his neck. “You’re afraid you’ll fall for him.”
“No, that’s not true. I just don’t hate him like you do.” I grazed his stubble with my fingertips. “And I didn’t want to upset you.”
He shrugged. “It seems we both have our little secrets. Maybe a break, or break-up, is just what we need right now. No matter how much I hate it.”
I trailed my fingers down his neck, across his shoulder, down his arm. When I reached his hand, I entwined my fingers in his. “I hate it as much as you do.”
“Really?” His eyes brightened. “You mean that?”
I nodded, and it was all he needed. His mouth was on mine again, our lips mingling.
I collapsed into him, my muscles too weary to hold me up any more. Those strong arms held me, kissing me for the longest time. Like it was the last time.
When he pulled back, the windows were clouded with fog. “I’ll miss this.”
“Me, too,” I murmured into his mouth, pulling him back to me. “Something to remember me by.”
“Believe me, Lucy McAllen, I won’t be forgetting you anytime soon.” He paused, lips millimeters away. “I’ll be waiting for you on the other side of this.”
I crushed my mouth into his lips one last time. Only because I wasn’t sure I could make the same promise. Things were already starting to change.
Chapter 13
I curled up in the hollow spot on my bed. An impact crater that fit me perfectly. It only took a week to mold it to my exact specifications. Dad had called a few days ago, asking if I wanted to stay at Montrose. I don’t know how he knew, but he did. I guess being a Guardian spy came with some perks. But I told him no. I couldn’t go home now. I couldn’t admit defeat. Not yet.
Shanda hovered at the foot of my bed, pacing back and forth. I had no energy to ask why.
My heart was cracked and bruised, hanging on by a thread. It hurt so bad I almost felt numb inside. I don’t know what hurt worse, the rejection or the duplicity. I thought Bryan was the exact opposite of Jake. How could I have been so wrong?
“When you’re ready to move from grief, to anger, let me know. ’Cause I’m so there already.” Shanda plopped on the edge of my crater. “I can’t believe those stupid Guardians.”
“Tell me about it.” I swiped at my eyes. Moisture I hadn’t even noticed had collected in the corners.
“It’s dangerous, spying on Nexis. Even I know that. And I’ve only been doing it for two months for the Guardians, not counting our little side gig.” Her low growl spoke louder than her words. “How can they put you on the front lines? They’re supposed to protect you. It’s all my fault.”
“No way.” I pushed myself up on my elbows, squinting at her. “This isn’t your fault.”
“I didn’t do enough. I didn’t get what they wanted. Now they’re sending you to get it. If only I wasn’t so scared.” A tortured shadow crossed her face. She gripped the bedframe with all her might.
“Hey, stop beating yourself up.” I patted the bed, coaxing her to sit beside me. I hated to see her look as tortured as I felt. “I don’t even know what the Guardians are looking for.”
“Figures that they’d leave you out of the loop. Typical Guardians,” she huffed, giving me her patented eyeroll. “They want the Nexis Seer’s Book, especially after your Book of the Seer companion got stolen from our room.”
“What?” I screeched out a wretched noise. “I’m sure it’s under lock and key. How in the world do they expect you to get it without blowing your cover?”
She mashed her lips together. “As if they even care about what happens to me.”
“Or me.” I locked eyes with her.
“Truth?” she asked, her face crumbling again. “I’m scared of what Nexis will do to me if they find out. I’m sorry you have to pay the price for it.” She slumped over, burying her face in her hands.
I rubbed my hand on her back, just like she did for me in the quad. Enough was enough. This double agent insanity had to stop. First it was James, then Shanda. Now I’d somehow agreed to something I never wanted. Someone had to stand up to these guys—Nexis and Guardians both. Someone had to stop them from using people like puppets.
“You know what? I’m done letting these guys rule my life. I don’t want to end up like Bryan.” I could feel the fury rising in the back of my throat. I gulped it down. My throat burned like battery acid, corroding the empty pit of his betrayal. “He didn’t have to break my heart just because the Guardians told him to. That was his choice.”
“Sorry, girl. You deserve better than that.” She laid a hand on my shoulder, lowering her voice. “We both do.”
“You’re right about that.” I turned to my best friend, who looked as enraged as I felt. “But you know what? I already have better. Right here.”
“What you talking about?” She narrowed her eyes at me.
“Don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten our pact.” The corners of my mouth curled as a plan of my own began to emerge from the ashes.
“Course not.” She tilted her head at me. “But if I’m gonna gather intel that’s just for us, we need to figure out what we’re looking for.”
“I’ve got an idea, but you’re not going to like it.” I pursed my lips. “Is there any way we can stay one step ahead of Nexis? Like find out what their plans are, for you and me, I mean.”
“That’s a lot sneakier than stealing one of their sacred treasures.” Her eyes widened as if the gears were turning in her head, too. “That might actually work. To top it off, we could keep whatever intel we find, just in case we need blackmail.”
“Exactly. Now you’re thinking.” I clapped my hands together, the idea taking root in my mind. Could it really work? I could be in control for once. The sheer thought was beyond delicious.
Her eyes lit up too, and she went back to pacing the room. “I’m sure these guys commit crimes all the time. The more dirt we can dig up on them the better. But you know how we’d get the juiciest details?”
I dug my teeth into my bottom lip. “Will. Shanda, I thought you were on my side.” I clamped my fists into balls of flesh and bone.
She halted, swiveled on her heel, and stared down her nose at me. “I am on your side. But you know I’m right.”
“Why is everyone pushing this guy on me?” I dug my teeth into my bottom lip. “Maybe I can appeal to him as a friend. But I know I can’t pretend to like him. That’d be too cruel.”
“Ha!” She spat out. “For him or for you?”
“What’re you talking about?” I stood to my feet, staring her down.
“Please, I know you’ve got at least a crush on him, even if you don’t want to admit it.” She slammed her hands into her hips, and pointed her ebony finger at me. “Hey, I get it. He’s got the whole bad-boy thing going on.”
“I—uh, what?” Words refused to form in my mouth. She nailed it right on the bull’s eye.
Her face softened. “C’mon, you know he likes you, too.”
“I guess.” I shrugged. “As long as you know it’s not going to happen. Okay?”
She held up her hands. “You’re right, my bad. I know it’s too soon. But technically you only went out with Bryan for like a month, right?”
“Pretty much.” I slumped back into my crater. “Though it felt like si
x months since we’d danced around it all last semester.”
“I get it. Breakups are hard.” Shanda eased down next to me, nudging my shoulder. “Don’t let Bryan get in the way of you moving on. I don’t want you to sit here and pine forever.”
“Hey, I’m not pining. It’s been like two days.” Even the thought made my stomach reel.
“I know.” She turned my way, rocking the bed. “I just want you to know I’m on your side. If you choose to turn double, you’ll have a partner in crime. But in the end, the choice is still yours. Not anyone else’s.”
“Thank you, Shanda. That means a lot to me. You have no idea.” If only Bryan could’ve said it the same way, maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess. Stuck between a ditch and bottomless pit of despair.
***
I’ve been numbed. Knocked up on Novocain. Life blurred and moved around me, but I’d curled in on myself again. Huddled up in my pile of blankets. A painful little cocoon that did nothing to dull the ache. The rejection was just enclosed now, surrounding me. Its arms cradling me like a best friend. Except I couldn’t move, was trapped within its cage. Powerless to escape.
“You can do this, Lucy. You’re stronger than you look.” Shanda’s words floated from somewhere above me. Her smile reminded me why she’d become my best friend so fast. My real best friend. But even her warmth couldn’t reach me now.
“C’mon, it’s just lunch. You’ve got to eat.” She tugged on my arm, but I resisted. Her smile wavered, face tinged with that look. Pity.
I closed my eyes against the sight. Screaming inside.
And suddenly, a warmth enveloped me like a blanket around my shoulders. I opened my eyes, but Shanda was on the other side of the room now. Yet the warmth remained. A soft hug, light as a feather.
Go with her. The words played in my head. Of course it was Angel. Letting me know I wasn’t alone.
“Okay, I’m coming.” I bobbed my head slowly. I even let Shanda fix me up and drag me into the cafeteria.
Silverware clanged, scraping plates. Grating the inside of my eardrums. The noise was practically deafening at first. Clangs and clashes. Bits of conversation. Seconds passed as I rubbed my temples until the roar dulled.
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