by C. R. Jane
I don’t offer any platitudes or try and tell him that it’s okay, because I know that nothing will make it okay for him. Time might help him not to hurt as bad, but it would never help him to forget.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to be a whole person again,” he says as he pokes the fire and moves around some of the firewood. “You know what’s fucked up about afterwards too, after my dad beat the shit out of me and my mom told me that she would never forgive me right before she tried to drink herself to death. It’s fucked up that one of our best songs came from that time. That I’m going to be rich someday because my sister killed herself.”
I think about some of the songs that I’ve heard them play recently. Jensen’s clever with his lyrics. They’re framed in a way that could apply to a lot of different situations. But there are a few… “Confessions in the Dark,” I whisper. It’s one of my favorite songs of theirs. It’s dark and dreamy. At first glance you think it’s about the pain of a lost love, but now I can see that it’s a song about guilt. About feeling like you’re so ashamed that the only way you can get out your feelings is when no one can see you.
Jensen’s looking at me now. It’s one of those looks that feels like whatever is between us has changed. It feels like I’m always moving to different levels with these boys. I wonder just how many levels there are.
“Ya,” he says. “Confessions in the Dark is the one I wrote. How did you know?”
“Because I know what it’s like to feel ashamed of your pain. And that’s the song that made me know that you did too.”
“Baby, sometimes it feels like you were made for me,” he finally says after a moment. I take his hand and brush my lips against it, trying to offer some form of comfort.
We don’t really say anything else the rest of the night. Even after Tanner and Jesse come back it’s like we all just need the silence. We need to understand what’s happening between us all.
No one ever picked on me at school again after that day.
5
Now
Jesse holds my hand as we walk to the set of enormous busses that the Sounds of Us travels with. I expect the two huge tour busses where the band and some of the road crew stay, but I wasn’t prepared for what seems like a million other smaller buses and vans that Jesse explains hold more of the crew, the equipment, and all the pieces that make up their tour. This tour is their biggest one ever and just looking around, it appears it takes a small city worth of people to keep it running.
We’re just about to step into the tour bus that’s exclusively for the band when we hear our name called. Turning around I see Tanner jogging towards us. He looks like he just got done working out because he’s wearing a faded Sounds of Us tank top and a loose pair of shorts. I can’t help but think of the first time I saw Jensen and Tanner in workout clothes...and then what was under those clothes. Their bodies were even better now judging by the fact that I had seen lots of Jesse in our multiple romp sessions, and I had seen Tanner’s chest when he ripped off his shirt during his performance the other night.
“Jesse, Miranda needs you to look over some contracts,” he says once he gets to us. I look over at Jesse questioningly. He groans in disappointment.
“She’s the new rep from the label,” he says. “She’s here to oversee the tour, make sure that we behave, all that fun stuff.”
“Isn’t that your manager’s job?” I ask.
“She’s basically our label appointed manager,” he explains. “We found out our last one was skimming some money from us, so we’ve been without one for a few months. But it’s impossible to be without one on tour, so Miranda’s our interim one for the moment.”
I nod thinking that all makes sense. Jesse pulls me in for a kiss. “I really wanted to christen the bus with you,” he says with a wink, pulling away and starting to walk backwards. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” he yells at Tanner before he turns and starts jogging towards the door that leads inside the stadium.
“Princess,” says Tanner, mockingly bowing low and gesturing to the bus. “Ladies first.”
Looking closer, I can see that his body’s at least twice as toned as it was in high school and I have trouble moving at first since I’m drooling over the parts I can see.
Tanner sees that I’m distracted and a slow, sexy look spreads over his face. “See something you like, princess?” he says, and I’m transported to the living room with Gentry when he said almost the same thing.
Tanner must see my face change because he stops joking around and he puts his hand softly on my back and leads me into the bus.
I gasp when I get to the top of the stairs because it feels like I’ve stepped into an episode of MTV Cribs. There’s a lounge area in the front of the bus that has expensive looking black, leather couches on either side of the wall, and there’s a fancy light fixture running down the middle that almost looks like a chandelier. All of the colors are silver, black, and grey making the space look more like an expensive nightclub than a bus. Tanner explains how when the bus is parked there’s a slide that pushes out one of the walls and adds 60 more feet to the living area. There’s also a 60 inch tv that comes out from behind one of the walls. Apparently, there’s over 1000 movies stored on a master control in the bus that we can choose from when we’re bored. Tanner lifts up one of the couch cushions to show me a drink chiller that’s filled to the brim with every soda or beer brand you could want. We walk farther in and there’s a kitchen full of gleaming stainless-steel appliances including a stove top, a toaster, a microwave that doubles as a convection oven, and extra cabinet space for preparing gourmet meals. The appliances look like something out of a spaceship, and I already can tell that they’re going to have to teach me to use them all.
“Jesse’s the only one who really cooks, but it’s nice to have the option to have a “home cooked” meal if we want it,” Tanner says, shrugging nonchalantly.
“I could cook some,” I tell him hesitantly. “I’ve become a pretty good cook over the last few years.”
His eyes get a strange gleam that quickly disappears. “We would all like that, princess,” he says quietly before taking my hand and leading me farther down the bus.
Next up is a set of four bunks. At first it doesn’t seem that fun to sleep on bunk beds for an entire tour, but then Tanner shows me how each bunk features its own mini television, a curtain for privacy, individual controls for air conditioning and lighting, and memory foam mattress. The bunks don’t seem so bad after that. They seem amazing actually. Each bunk is a little bigger than a twin-size bed, but just like how the wall in the living room expands, the bunks can pull out to make a queen-size bed.
“Is it hard to sleep when the bus is moving?” I ask, thinking that they are probably on the road a lot at night driving to a new city.
“It’s actually easier to sleep on a bus,” laughs Tanner. “I have trouble sleeping for a few weeks after we get done with a tour just because the movement of the bus tends to rock me to sleep.” I nod, thinking that what he said makes sense.
The bus has two bathrooms, something that the band paid for themselves Tanner says. Each bathroom features full showers, sinks, and toilets complete with marble countertops and three shower heads, including a special rain shower nozzle that comes down from the ceiling. Gentry and I’s house was nice, but it didn’t come close to how nice this bus is.
Past the bathrooms are some closets and a door. I’m thinking that the door is just extra storage space, so I’m shocked when Tanner opens the door and there’s a full bedroom. Just like the rest of the bus, the bedroom is outfitted in black, silver, and grey. There’s a king size bed in the middle of the room and another 60-inch television on the wall across from it. There’s even two nightstands and a dresser.
I can feel red creeping up my neck as I stare at the bed, my mind filled with the hot moment I shared with Tanner the other night.
Tanner walks up behind me until he’s standing so close that I can feel his breath
on my neck. “We rotate every week who gets to sleep back here,” he says.
“Whose turn is it right now?” I ask, embarrassed about how squeaky my voice sounds.
“Why? You interested in trying the bed out?” asks Tanner with a wink, pulling me close to his body. I blush fifty shades of red which in itself is embarrassing considering I’m a grown woman. “It’s Jensen’s turn,” Tanner finally says, taking pity on me. “But now that you’re on the tour, this can be your room, so you have some space.”
I look at him surprised, shaking my head vigorously. “I’m going to be as little of an inconvenience as possible. You guys are already doing so much for me taking me with you.”
An angry look crosses Tanner’s face. He walks me until the back of my legs hit the bed and I’m forced to sit down. “Let’s get one thing clear, princess. You’re nobody’s inconvenience. This happening is the living embodiment of every dream we’ve had for five years,” he says fiercely. I look away from him, remembering the disgusted look Jensen has had towards me since the moment he saw me. It didn’t look like any of his dreams about me had been good.
Tanner tips my chin up so I have to look at him again. His eyes warm as he stares at me. “Ari,” he says, and the love in his voice makes my heart ache. I could live in the sound of it for the rest of my life. “We’re going to fix you, princess. Until you remember what having us love you feels like. Until you remember what it feels like to be safe and adored.”
All I can do is keep looking at him. Those silver eyes and the passion behind them entrance me, they make me believe that anything could be possible.
“Ari,” he whispers, his voice gravelly and deep with emotion. I know what he meant in saying only my name. The air around us is thick with sexual tension, but it still feels romantic somehow. I know that sex with Tanner wouldn’t just be the meeting of two bodies-it would be the meeting of the sum of all our parts: our minds and souls and hearts. It would be beautiful.
He takes my hand in his and kisses my knuckles. Somehow making me feel it from my fingertips to my chest, that fizzle of desire that ripples through my veins. He sits down on the bed, and then pulls me up until I’m standing in between his legs. I felt a drop of sweat slide down my spine and I shiver, the coolness of it a shock to my warming skin.
Tanner lets go of my hands to hold my hips. He squeezes and pulls me closer, and my hands find his shoulders. I feel his thumb graze my skin and I shiver again. His fingertips hold magic; that was the only way I could explain how the slightest touch managed to ignite my skin to flaming. The mood is less frenzied then the night before, but I realize that it’s not any less passionate.
His hands slide up the sides of my body. My hands tighten on his shoulders and I itch to rip off his clothing and attack him. “Tanner,” I whisper. His mouth is on my skin, my stomach, kissing the path of my stomach up to my chest.
“Hmm?” he murmurs against my ribcage, sending vibrations to my core. I close my eyes, feeling my body turn inside out in a slow burn as he kisses my entire stomach. I know I’m trembling under his lips, but I’m completely un-embarrassed by it. Tanner knows the power he has over my body, has always had over my body even with the simplest touch.
My skin, my bones-they bend at his will. Tanner stands up and I back up quickly, my back hitting the tv that’s built into the wall behind me as he slowly saunters towards me. He towers over me. He lifts up the bottom hem of his shirt and pulls it over his head, giving me the most delicious view of skin and muscle. I lick my lips, longing to run my hands and my lips over all the planes of his body. And then I lift my eyes, meet his, and I feel the entire world fall away. He looks at me like a man who knows exactly what he wants. His gaze is sure, his intentions so perfectly clear. I know he loves me, but this look? It’s something else. It’s a look of a man looking at me as if he sees his future, like he hasn’t just followed the path to his destiny-he’s run a marathon to it. And he wasn’t tired. Not yet. Not even close.
My palms find the wall behind me. It’s thrilling, and terrifying. The top of a rollercoaster right before it pitches forward and falls into a steep drop. “Tanner,” I say again.
“Princess,” he replies, walking closer to me. He senses the fear in my voice, but he makes no move to stop. “I…” I start. What the hell? I loved Tanner. I had for years. There was no doubt in my mind about that. But until this moment, I hadn’t understood what that love meant. Where that love would take us. There wasn’t a destination. This wasn’t a journey. Tanner looks at me as if it was endless. And I knew I felt the same way. And that was what scared the shit out of me. He was against me a second later, our hips touching. His lips come to my cheek.
“Ariana,” he breathes against my skin.
I feel the flutters in my stomach fly apart. His lips move up my cheekbone and he brushes his face against mine. The harsh graze of his stubble along my skin ignites the match that is my desire for him. I’m on fire in an instant, my hands reaching around him and scratching his skin, anything to calm the burn that I feel. My shirt comes over my head and his arms come around me, finding the clasp of my bra. A second later, I’m topless and our skin is pressed tight to each other. He holds me tight to him as he kisses my face, his movements slow. I’m burning alive, desperate to touch him everywhere.
“You’re torturing me,” I pant. His fingers trace my spine and end at the top of the sweatpants that I borrowed from Jesse. My head falls back and hits the wall behind me.
“You’re beautiful, Ari.” His voice is reverent. Would I ever tire of hearing the awe in his voice when he admired me? I didn’t want to imagine a world where that wasn’t my reality. His fingers slide under the waistband of my pants, sliding against the skin underneath. He backs up and yanks them down, freeing me from the last of my clothing. My eyes are still closed, and my fingers still ache to dig into his skin. He cups the back of my head in his hand and pulls me forward, pressing the softest, sweetest kiss to my lips. His other hand traps my hands from touching him. I vaguely become aware of him pulling me away from the wall and walking me towards the bed. A second later, he pushes me gently onto the bed. I open my eyes, laying on my back and staring up at him as he tugs his pants down. I have two seconds to admire him again before he covers me with his body. A flash of fear crosses my mind. He’s experienced. More experienced probably than the other two together if the rumors are true. What if he thinks I suck? Gentry wasn’t the best teacher and Jesse is so nice maybe he wouldn’t say anything if I was bad in bed.
He kisses me full on the lips as he settles his body over mine and all my fear disappears. I reach my arms up to the top of his back and pull them down, letting the fire spread so it consumes us both. He braces himself over me on his hands and looks down at me with a crooked smile. His silver eyes hold a depth to them that I’ve never seen before. He leans his head down and kisses the line of my collarbone. His lips follow a path down the center of my chest, between my breasts and to my stomach. My body yearns to lift off the bed as he kisses me. His lips come back to mine as his fingers travel down my body.
When they brush up against me, I moan. I’ve been on fire since the first brush of his facial hair against my skin and when he touches me for the first time where he’s never been before, it’s like he’s thrown gasoline on a slow burn. My hands are greedy for his skin, and I run them down his front. Before my hands gain purchase on the part I want to touch the most, he captures them in his.
“I’m too close,” he whispers, sliding a finger inside of me. My entire body shakes under his as he teases me with his one finger. He lets go of my hands and they immediately clasp his shoulders, desperately. I hear the sound of a foil packet, but I can’t concentrate on a single thing.
“If you touch me, I’ll come undone right now.” I’m struggling to form coherent sentences in my head, such is the state I find myself in.
“I’m nearly there myself,” I gasp as he increases the speed of his hand against me. My nails dig into his skin. “Tanner.”
And then he’s inside of me, picking up the pace that his hands had started. My skin splits apart, my eyes burst with light. The rollercoaster tips and falls into the drop, and I don’t feel any fear. The guys weren’t on a journey with me; they were my destination.
After we get cleaned up, everything feels different. Every look has more meaning, every touch is saying something more. We’re so caught up in the little world we just created that I don’t even hear the door open, and Jesse and Jensen get on the bus, until Jensen walks into the back room where we’re still cleaning up.
“Tell me you aren’t serious,” Jensen snaps as he comes to the bedroom and sees the rumpled sheets. “This was my fucking week back here and now the sheets have to be washed.” His words are angry but there’s an undercurrent of jealousy there too.
Tanner flashes him a proud smile, and I of course blush, hurrying to the lounge area as the bus starts to move. It’s not much better up there since Jesse is wearing a huge grin.
“Did you have a good tour?” he asks innocently.
I roll my eyes and sit down next to him. He pulls what looks like an iPad out of the seat and starts pressing buttons.
“Want to watch something while we drive? I need to take a nap before the show, but I can do that right here.” He hands me the touchscreen and I start to scroll through the thousand plus movies that Tanner had mentioned during the tour. I choose Dodgeball and Jesse applauds my choice before scooting down on the couch and laying his head in my lap. I try not to laugh too much as I watch the show so that I don’t wake Jesse up. Looking down at his perfect profile, and then around at the out of this world rockstar bus that I’ve found myself on, it’s hard to believe that this is my life at the moment.