He looked down at Cass.
She had no pants on. Her shirt was completely open.
Possessiveness flickered through him, intense enough to startle him.
The irrationality of it struck him, too.
He’d just fucked her under cameras.
Whether the external feed was switched off or not, those image captures would still be recording; the security features didn’t allow them to be turned off entirely, not without ringing alarms up in the CIC and releasing the gas.
If his brother and sister infiltrators, or those working the security station got an eyeful of Cass’s bare breasts, he had no one to blame but himself.
Forcing back that intense wave of emotion, he clenched his jaw.
Gripping her shoulder, he shook it firmly, rolling to one side even as he fumbled around the nearby floor for his pants.
The organic cell was still dark, although he knew that would change when the seal broke on the heavy door. The living metal determined “night” and “day” by cues from the cell’s occupants. It even accounted for late night bathroom breaks and yes, sex or masturbation, by not turning the lights back on before a certain amount and type of movement by the cell’s occupants had occurred, or with the use of a manual command.
Most of the manual controls had been taken off-line in here, of course.
“Cass… wake up,” he whispered, louder.
She started to turn over.
Once he felt her awake, he let go of her, climbing to his feet long enough to find and then yank up his pants. He barely had them all the way up when he retrieved his belt and started threading the leather through the loops.
He ripped his shirt up off the green-tiled floor next.
He shoved his first arm into a sleeve then paused to hand Cass her pants.
He could see with his night vision that she’d gotten her shirt most of the way fastened, moving groggily yet somehow faster than him. She had the pants most of the way up her thighs now too, which caused his shoulders to relax, even before he’d thought about why.
He stood between her and the door anyway, half-attempting to shield her, when the heavy panel opened for real, igniting the main lights.
Balidor turned.
His shirt still hung open on his shoulders.
Given that, and given the fact that whoever it was probably caught them on the surveillance capture already, he didn’t see much point in acting coy.
Still, it wasn’t who he’d halfway expected by then.
Truthfully, he’d expected Revik to walk through that door.
Maybe with another gun in his hand.
Instead it was Jon, with Maygar entering the space not far behind him.
Jon stopped dead once he’d taken in Balidor’s state of relative undress. He frowned, staring him up and down with an openly shocked look on his face.
So perhaps they hadn’t been monitoring the security cameras after all.
Maygar, perhaps inappropriately, let out a snort of laughter.
Jon frowned harder, clenching his jaw as he glared at Maygar.
Then he seemed to make a deliberate decision not to go there.
“They’re looking for you,” Jon blurted, facing Balidor.
Balidor noticed that Jon hadn’t let his eyes travel past him to Cass for even an instant. She might not have been in the room at all, from the direction of his gaze.
“Who?” Balidor said, keeping his tone neutrally polite.
“Who the fuck do you think?” Jon said, his anger coming through belatedly. “Allie. Revik. Tarsi. Half the Adhipan. Fucking everyone, ‘Dori. They want to know where you are. You told all of them… and me… you’d be there.”
“Be there?” Balidor stared at him blankly.
He had absolutely no idea what the other man was talking about.
“The party, ‘Dor,” Jon said, his voice still harsh. “The fucking Christmas party. You know it’s morning, right? It’s Christmas morning. They’re all up on the deck with that damned tree they got from the barge.”
Jon made a vague wave in Balidor’s direction, still studiously avoiding looking at either Balidor’s bare chest or at Cass, who now leaned against the cell wall, combing her fingers through her dark hair and being uncharacteristically quiet.
Balidor sighed.
“Yeah, all right. Tell them I’m coming.”
“When?” Jon said pointedly. That time, he glared briefly at Cass.
“In a minute,” Balidor said.
“Not now?” Jon said, his voice harder. “With us?”
Hearing the meaning in his words, Balidor clicked at him in even more irritation. It struck him suddenly that he wasn’t feeling particularly apologetic about what he’d done––which might have been strange if he’d been willing to give a damn well enough to rationalize it.
Turning his back on Jon as he fastened the last few buttons on his shirt, he tucked it in quickly then walked directly to Cass.
He only stood over her long enough to bend his knees.
Deciding he didn’t give a shit about that either, he kissed her, hard, on the mouth, using his tongue. She kissed him back, but he felt the plume of surprise off her, right before it turned into sex-pain. Then she was pulling on him openly with her light, her hands wrapped around his jaw and face, even in the cuffs.
He drew away from her a few seconds later.
He didn’t hide his reluctance to do that, either.
“Do you want me to bring you anything?” he said, low enough that he hoped Jon and Maygar wouldn’t hear.
He still didn’t give a damn, not really––but he also couldn’t see how it was any of their goddamned business.
Surprise wafted off her again.
Quirking an eyebrow, she gave him a small smile. “Like what?”
He shrugged, studying the planes of her face in spite of himself. “Cake?”
She laughed, tugging on his hair.
He started to straighten but she pulled him back, gripping his hair tighter as she slid up to a taller kneel, kissing him again.
That kiss lasted longer.
When it finally ended, Balidor was hard again. Even so, he could feel from flickers of Jon’s light that he really needed to go.
He didn’t say anything more to her before he regained his feet.
Instead he faced Jon, stuffing his hands in his pockets. It wasn’t a usual gesture for him, it’s true, but under the circumstances, it made sense.
He saw Jon notice that, too.
Ignoring the incredulity edging back into anger he saw on the other male’s face, Balidor gave him a flat-eyed stare.
“I’m ready. Since you’re so fucking intent on providing me an escort.”
Maygar let out another amused grunt.
When Balidor glanced at him, he didn’t see any judgment in the younger seer’s eyes. Maygar only rolled them at Balidor subtly, giving him a faint grin.
So apparently, Maygar wasn’t surprised by this development.
The younger seer snorted aloud at that, right before he sent words directly to Balidor’s mind.
You haven’t exactly been subtle, Adhipan, he said softly through his light. Don’t act so surprised that I’m relieved you finally did something about it.
Pausing, he looked Balidor over, then gave him a faint smirk.
…If I were you, I’d wipe that, ‘I finally got properly fucked’ look off your face, though. Jon’s not going to react to it well right now.
There was a pause where Maygar seemed to be thinking about his own words.
His thoughts grew darker when he added,
…Allie and Revik probably won’t react to it well, either, brother Balidor. Not if they put two and two together. They know you’ve been fighting a lot with Yarli, even if they don’t know the extent of it. Come to think of it, Yarli might be at the party already. So maybe tone it down a bit before we get up there?
Meeting the other male’s gaze, Balidor let out a clicking sort of sigh.
/> Understood, he sent, equally quiet.
He did, too.
Eleven
Merry Christmas
Yarli wasn’t at the party––to Balidor’s profound relief.
He felt slightly guilty at the thought, but it was what it was.
If she had noticed the change in his light and decided to make a public scene about it, things could have gotten ugly, fast.
As it was, it was relatively easy for him to keep a low profile.
He felt guilty a second time when Allie noticed how quiet he was, and tried to draw him into things with the rest of them. He felt particularly guilty since he could tell it was at least partly because she knew he and Yarli were having problems.
He didn’t know why he hadn’t told them he wasn’t with Yarli anymore.
Today definitely wasn’t the day, he did know that.
Regardless, he enjoyed himself at the party, if in an odd sort of way.
They’d decorated a tree with ornaments and homemade tinsel made of what looked like shredded heat-shielding. The tinsel fluttered in the wind on the shadowed side of the deck, where they’d sectioned off part of the landing strip near the main control tower.
They’d even set up a few banquet tables, complete with white linen tablecloths and real silverware. Place settings of ribbons and cut flowers broke up the platters of food at regular intervals on a red table runner.
The flowers must have come from the same barge as the living Christmas tree, which had been weighted down with a stand, and bolted to the deck. A tub of wet earth kept it a few feet higher than most Christmas trees Balidor had seen, but it was beautiful and probably four meters tall, so it must have taken some time to decorate so much of it.
Someone even scrounged up Christmas crackers, or made them by hand.
Balidor found himself thinking Revik may have been behind that, too, since he’d lived in England long enough to be attached to the custom.
Then again, Torek was born in England, so it easily could have been him.
Playing tug of war with Christmas crackers made all of them laugh.
In addition to the customary paper hat––which Revik demanded Balidor put on his head, making all of them laugh for real––Balidor found a small wooden puzzle and a ring in his cracker, both of which he promptly gave to Allie and Revik’s daughter, Lily. The ring consisted of cut purple glass and a copper band and Lily stared at it for a long time after he gave it to her, even after she’d hopped off his lap and was wandering around the windy deck.
Each of the crackers had jokes inside them too.
Most of those jokes were dirty, which lent credence to his theory that the crackers had been made by someone on the team, likely with input from at least a few of Wreg’s ex-Rebels, since it was their kind of humor.
Everyone at the table had to read their jokes aloud before eating––all except Allie, who sat with Lily on her lap, her hands clamped firmly over the little girl’s ears during the joke-telling portion of the meal.
Balidor lingered in the background for the actual opening of presents.
He saw Allie give her husband an old-fashioned watch, presumably to replace the one he’d broken in Dubai.
Balidor looked away with everyone else when Revik kissed her in thanks.
Not long after, while a few ex-Rebels sat under the tree, acting like slightly drunk Santa Clauses, Balidor found Allie staring at him, standing not far from where he stood. When Balidor glanced around for Revik, he saw the Sword sitting on the edge of the sunny part of the deck with Lily on his shoulders, pointing at something on the ocean’s horizon.
Lily stared in the direction her dad pointed, her face serious, her light eyes filled with sunlight as she nodded solemnly to something her father said.
Balidor looked back at Allie and smiled, if only to get that scrutiny out of her eyes.
It didn’t work.
Instead, she walked closer to him, until they stood right next to one another.
“You okay, ‘Dor?” she said, knocking into him with her shoulder.
He folded his arms, conscious suddenly of how much Cass he had in his light.
“I’m fine,” he said, smiling.
When he glanced at her, she was staring at him again, her jade green eyes puzzled.
“You seem… different,” she said.
He gave a low snort. “Maybe it’s not me who is different, Esteemed Bridge,” he said with a wan smile. “Or do you need a distraction from your own and your husband’s lights so badly that you’re willing to find needles inside the haystack of mine?”
She blinked, then frowned slightly.
He definitely got the sense she knew she was being dodged.
She seemed to be willing to let it go, however.
Well, to forgive him, at least.
“You’re really okay?” she pressed. “You’ve seemed… off lately.” At his quirked eyebrow, she raised a hand. “I’m not saying you’re not doing your job, or anything’s wrong on that front,” she added, giving him a warning look. “I just mean… off. Like something’s on your mind. Like something’s bothering you.”
Balidor fought with the caught feeling that came over his light.
Then, keeping his reaction from where she might see it, he shrugged.
“Don’t we all have things on our minds these days, Esteemed Bridge?” he said, his voice low. Glancing at her, seeing the frustration in her eyes, he felt another stab of guilt. “I am,” he said then, impulsively. “Going through something. But it’s not relevant to our mission here. It’s not relevant to my job––”
“Which you do perfectly, Balidor,” she said, rolling her eyes as exasperation leaked into her voice. “As I already said. And you know full well that’s not why I’m asking.”
Exhaling, he clicked a little under his breath.
Looking out over the deck, he sighed again.
His eyes returned to Revik and Lily, who were talking again, their voices made silent by the wind over the deck. Something in the quiet intimacy there, in the way they looked and spoke to one another, hit at his chest.
Glancing back at Allie, he found himself telling her the truth.
Part of the truth, anyway.
“I had not expected to spend so much of my life alone,” he said.
Allie flinched, staring at him.
She didn’t speak, however, and Balidor found himself going on.
Exhaling, he gestured vaguely with a hand.
Without realizing it, he gestured towards Revik and Lily.
“I’ve spent most of my life working,” he said. “After I left my father in that fucking hovel, drunk and most likely barely noticing me gone, I dedicated my life to the Adhipan. They had saved me. They gave me a real life. I felt I owed them.”
He glanced back at her.
Her face had gone totally still, but he could feel her listening, so he went on.
“So that’s what I did,” he said, shrugging. “I structured my life around this. Around the Adhipan. Around my duty. I studied. I trained. Later, I mostly worked. If I took time off, it was to study and train. Or to meditate in caves. Whatever it took. Whatever my elders thought would make me better for the Adhipan.”
Refolding his arms, he shrugged again.
“For decades, that’s all I did.” Thinking, he frowned. “For centuries, really. Everything was for the cause. Everything I was, I gave to the Adhipan. Everything I was, I gave to my teachers, to the Council, to the light. I told myself it was how to make the world better. I told myself it was my sole purpose. I allowed myself only two questions: What can I do to be a better person? What can I do to perfect my work?”
Refolding his arms, he exhaled again, clicking as he gazed out over the ocean.
“I studied Code. I tried to perfect my adherence to that, too. I tried to be what was expected of me. I tried to be everything that was expected of me… everything my teachers and elders hoped for in me. I really tried to be a good person, Alyson. I wanted
more than anything to bring some good into the world.”
Clicking under his breath, he clenched his jaw briefly.
A wave of sadness hit him as he glanced back at Revik and Lily.
“I think I missed something, Allie,” he admitted. “I think I missed a lot.”
When he glanced at her next, she looked openly stunned.
Disbelief slid over her light.
He felt her trying to process everything he’d just said. He felt emotions rise and swirl in her light, even as she seemed to be struggling with words, if only in her own mind.
When he looked next at her face, he was shocked to see tears in her eyes.
“Alyson,” he stammered, horrified. “Gaos. It’s all right. These are just thoughts, beloved sister. Probably normal for a seer of my age. I didn’t mean––”
But she cut him off, shaking her head.
“Balidor. Stop.”
She shook her head again, vehement.
“Just stop. Shut up.” She gripped his arm, tightly in her hands, forcing him silent with her light. “Listen to me, ‘Dori. Listen, okay?”
He stared at her too-bright eyes.
After a pause, he swallowed, nodding, once.
He gestured an affirmation with his fingers.
Her hands gripped his arm tighter.
“You are the best person I know,” she said, her voice fierce. “Hands down… the best fucking person, Balidor. The only other person I can think of who even comes close is Jon. Or maybe Vash.” Taking a breath, she clenched her jaw, then met his gaze. “You didn’t do anything wrong, goddamn it. You didn’t miss anything. You are the most selfless, good person I know, ‘Dori. The kindest, most uncomplaining person… especially given the shit you’ve had to deal with over the years. Especially given everything you told me about your father.”
Wiping her face with the back of her free hand, she let out a kind of strangled laugh.
“That being said… if you’re waiting to be a ‘good man’ before you start thinking of yourself, and start creating the life you want… you overshot. By a lot.”
For a moment they just looked at one another.
Then he laughed.
He couldn’t help it.
She laughed, too.
A Glint of Light Page 12