She couldn’t read Camila’s face, try as she might. She wished she knew what she was thinking, just this once.
“Good morning, Ms. Evans.” She decided to go for distant and unaffected, though her voice sounded flat. “I hope you had a good Christmas.”
“I… It was fine.” Camila looked at her like she was trying to see into her, trying figure out what she was thinking. “Thank you again for mine and Jaime’s gifts—you didn’t have to.”
“No problem.” Emily shrugged, and she wondered if this is how it was going to be now—awkward small talk, saying nothing of substance. Emily wished the floor would open up and swallow her.
Then Camila left for work, leaving her alone with Jaime.
He showed her the new drawings in his new sketch pad, and she smiled at his happiness, knowing she had done the right thing. Maybe she even had an artist on her hands. It was nice being back with him, and as long as Camila wasn’t there, she could pretend that it was just like before, that nothing had changed.
But when Camila wasn’t back by the time she put Jaime to bed, she worried that she wouldn’t have her defenses ready. She was on the couch watching TV and trying to stay calm when she heard the front door click. She got to her feet and into her jacket before Camila even came into the room.
“Jaime’s fine, he was in bed by seven thirty and asleep by eight. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She pushed the words out in a desperate rush, looking down so she wouldn’t get lost in Camila’s eyes, but when she tried to duck around and out the door, Camila caught her wrist, stopping her in her tracks.
Her touch burned, and Emily wrenched her arm away so violently, she nearly sent Camila sprawling. She couldn’t let her touch her, couldn’t be close to her, didn’t want her to know how desperately Emily still wanted her.
“Emily, I…”
Camila’s brow was furrowed, her eyes were dark, and when she asked “Are you okay?” Emily laughed bitterly.
“What do you think?”
Camila flinched. “I didn’t… I never wanted to hurt you. I know it’s pointless to say that now, but I—”
“What do you want from me, Camila?” Emily couldn’t bear to hear another word. She’d rather have a cold and distant Camila than one who was apologetic—unless she said she had made a mistake the other night, that she hadn’t meant to push her away. But somehow Emily doubted that was what she would hear. “Because I can’t…I can’t take all of this back-and-forth, not knowing where I stand with you, so just…figure out what the hell you want so we can both move on with our lives.”
She turned on her heel and left without waiting for a reply, wanting her to actually think about it. She headed for Maia and Cassie’s place because she had promised them she would stop by when she was finished for the day so they would know she was okay.
They were all sitting in the living room when her phone buzzed with a message. She half-hoped it was from Camila asking if they could talk, but it was an email notification from New York University, and she nearly dropped the phone.
“You open it.” She thrust the phone at Cassie, hiding behind her hands and peering through her fingers as Cassie opened the email. She felt sick from anticipation, and when Cassie handed her phone back without a word, Emily was convinced it was bad news.
Her hands were shaking and she couldn’t focus properly, but when she finally read the email, she had to reread it again—and again—before it really sank in.
“What does it say?” Maia asked anxiously, glancing back and forth between Cassie and Emily.
“I…I got in.” Emily’s heart pounded in her chest, and her hands were so sweaty, it was a miracle she could still hold the phone.
“Emily, congratulations!” Maia leaned over to hug her, but Emily still clutched her phone, too numb to hug back, and when Maia pulled away, she was frowning. “That is a good thing…right?”
“I…I applied for August admission, but the email says a space has opened up for January. So I could start in, like, two weeks.”
She had planned on attending NYU—it was what she wanted—but now that she had it, she realized she had no time to plan, no time to resolve things with Camila, no time to say goodbye to Jaime
Her whole life had just flipped upside down.
Cassie read her mind, as usual. “You could probably postpone the start date. If they want you this badly, they’ll understand if you need to wait.”
“Do you think I should?”
“I think you should do whatever you want, Emily.”
But she didn’t know what that was, anymore. “I…I’m going to have to think about it, I guess.”
And she was going to have to talk to Camila because this affected her too.
She was already dreading that conversation.
* * *
Camila returned home on Thursday night to a quiet apartment. She frowned at her watch—it was just after seven, and Jaime normally would still be up watching TV with Emily. But when she entered the living area, only Emily was on the couch, wringing her hands nervously.
She had seemed distant and distracted that morning, and Camila assumed it had to do with their aborted conversation last night, but now she wasn’t so sure, thought there was something else on Emily’s mind.
“Is everything okay?”
Emily jumped, like she hadn’t heard Camila come in, and when she glanced up at Camila, she looked tortured.
“E-everything’s fine. I put Jaime to bed early because I need to talk to you.”
“Oh?” Camila sat in the armchair opposite Emily. “What about?”
“I…um… Do you remember awhile back when I told you I might apply to NYU?”
Camila nodded. This wasn’t the conversation she was expecting.
“Well, I applied. And yesterday I received notice that I’ve been accepted.”
“Congrat—”
“They want me to start this month.” Emily cut her off. “On the fourteenth. I thought about pushing it back until summer, but I… In light of everything that’s happened between us, I don’t…I don’t know if I want to wait. I love this job, and God, I adore Jaime more than anything, but I…I have feelings for you, strong feelings, not-going-away-no-matter-what-I-do feelings, and I…I know you don’t want that, but I don’t know how to be around you and not…not want that. So I think…I think maybe it would be best if I quit and started the program now, and then you don’t ever have to see me again.”
Emily’s final words came out in a rush, and Camila sat back in the chair, feeling like Emily had dropped a bomb on her.
She had just admitted she had feelings for her in the same breath that she told her she wanted to leave. Her chest felt like it was in a vise.
“I know you’ll need time to find a replacement.” Emily looked at her curiously. God only knew what expression showed on Camila’s face. “I checked my contract, and there’s nothing about how much notice I have to give, so I’ll work right up until classes start, and if…if you don’t want me to go, then I’ll stay until summer. If you want me to.”
It was clear Emily had thought for a while about what she would say, and now her distraction this morning made a lot more sense.
“No, no, you should… You shouldn’t wait.” It was Emily’s future, her career, and it had been her dream longer than she had had this job, and even though it killed her, she couldn’t hold Emily back, as much as she wanted her to stay.
“But Jaime —”
“Jaime will be fine.” He wouldn’t like it, but he’d survive. “It might be best if it came from you, though.”
“Yeah, I know.” Emily looked at her hands, as if pondering what she would tell him.
“And you… You’re welcome to see him anytime you like. He’d love that.”
“Really?” Emily looked up at her, and Camila’s throat tightened.
“Of course.”
“I’d like that.” Emily looked like she wanted to cry, and Camila was fighting tears too—and if she thought too much about Emily leaving, she’d lose the battle.
“Can you finish out the next week? That should give me enough time to find someone else.”
“Okay.” Emily clenched her jaw. “I, uh, I should get going. It’s getting late.”
Camila nodded, but once she heard the front door close, she slumped in the chair, feeling like the floor had been ripped out from under her feet.
She had known, of course, that Emily wouldn’t be there forever, but the news was so sudden, so unexpected, and it would take some time—a lot of time—to get used to Emily’s absence. In just over a week, Emily would be gone.
She wouldn’t see her every morning, wouldn’t go to work thinking of her bright smile, wouldn’t come home to find her waiting.
She thought of what Emily had said—I don’t know how to be around you and not want you—and wondered if things would be different if London had never happened.
Camila had said that Jaime would be fine, but she didn’t know if she would, not really. She thought of Emily slipping out of her life and shivered, thought of never seeing her again, thought that Emily might be the one she never got over, even though they had never been together at all.
* * *
“Hey, Jaime. Come here a second. I need to talk to you.” Emily had been waiting all day for the right moment to tell him she was leaving, until she finally realized there wasn’t going to be one.
Jaime picked himself up off on the floor where he was playing with his action figures.
“What’s wrong?” Emily set him on her lap facing her.
“Okay. First of all, you know how much I love you, right?”
He nodded, frowning, and Emily took a deep breath, about to speak when Jaime said, “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Jaime looked up at her. “It’s because of my mom, isn’t it? You had a fight, and when she gets mad at my nannies, they go away and I don’t see them again.”
“Well, you’re going to see me again because I’m going to visit you, all right?”
“You will?”
“Of course I will, buddy.”
“You won’t forget about me?” His bottom lip trembled, and she hugged him to her chest.
“Oh, sweetheart, I could never forget about you. And I’m not leaving because of your mom, so don’t be mad at her.”
“Then why do you have to go?”
“Because I’m going back to school.”
“That sounds boring.”
Emily chuckled, ruffling his hair. “It probably will be, compared to spending time with you every day, but someday I want to teach about space.”
“You’re a good teacher.”
“You think so?”
He nodded. His approval was all she needed.
“I get to spend a few more days with you, though, if that’s okay.”
“And you promise you’ll visit me?”
“I promise.” It would be an easy promise to keep, even though it meant Camila would still be part of her life, but she’d manage if it meant she could still see Jaime—she loved him like he was her own kid.
She was going to miss him, but she knew she had made the right decision. It was time for her to move on; she just wished that she didn’t have to leave so much behind.
* * *
“Jessica, could you put up an ad for a new nanny, please?” Camila tried to keep her voice neutral. No one needed to know about the heartbreak churning away inside her, how much it cut her up just to say those words.
“What?” Jessica nearly dropped Camila’s latte. “What happened to Emily?”
“She’s leaving.”
“Leaving?” Jessica followed Camila into her office. “She quit?”
“She got a better offer.” Camila sat at her desk and booted up her computer. Jessica looked stunned, maybe even unhappy, and Camila wondered how much she had picked up on while they were in London. “If you could put that ad up…?”
“Oh right, of course.” Jessica scurried back to her work station, and Camila let out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding.
Here she was, back at the beginning, searching for yet another nanny, and she knew that, no matter who she hired, they wouldn’t hold a candle to Emily.
Her phone rang when she was poring over the latest ratings, and she frowned, debating whether to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Ms. Evans?” It was Eleanor, Jaime’s first nanny, the one who had lasted four years, and Camila thought this was either some weird coincidence or luck was on her side for once.
“Eleanor, how are you doing? I was sorry to hear about your mother.” She had left to care for her ailing mother who had passed away six months later.
“I’m doing okay, Ms. Evans, thank you. I moved back to the city a few weeks ago, been thinking about going back to work.”
“Did my assistant call you to tell you I’m looking for a nanny again?” She glanced out her office door to see if Jessica was listening to the conversation, but she was frowning at her computer screen. Camila thought she might give the girl a raise.
“She did,” Eleanor confirmed. “Is that…is that right? Are you looking for someone?”
“I am—are you interested?”
“Very, Ms. Evans. I miss Jaime a lot. He’s probably forgotten all about me by now.”
“I very much doubt that.” Eleanor had been a godsend during Jaime’s early years, and she knew already exactly how Camila worked and how insane her hours were. The thought of not having to interview a revolving door of candidates was a relief. “Can you come to my office later today to talk it over?”
“What time?”
And that was that. Eleanor was happy to come back to work for Camila and would probably have started that night, if she had asked her to.
She wasn’t ready to let go of Emily yet, though, so Eleanor would start the Monday Emily’s classes began. Camila would call her if she needed her sooner.
It was a relief knowing that Eleanor would be coming back—if anyone could pick up the reins after Emily, it was her, and the transition would be easier on Jaime with someone he already knew.
She just wished she could make the transition easier for herself.
Chapter 22
Camila was miserable during Emily’s last week, thinking of life without her.
It was awkward whenever they were in the room together, which meant Emily didn’t linger. She was quick to scurry away as soon as Camila arrived home. In less than a week, she wouldn’t even have this glimpse of her.
On the night before her last day, she skittered out the door as usual right after Camila came in. Camila peered into Jaime’s room—he was already fast asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily. She closed the door and padded into her study, dropping her head in her hands.
She wondered how long it would take for this ache to fade, how long until she could think of someone besides Emily. She tried to work but gave up after a few minutes, spinning her chair around to look at the city outside her window.
She reached for her phone, thought about calling Emily, wondering if she would answer and what Camila could say to heal things between them or if the damage was irreparable.
She ended up calling a different number.
“Miss me already?” Jenny picked up on the fifth ring, and Camila rolled her eyes, leaning back in her chair and propping her feet up on the window ledge.
“Hardly,” but her voice lacked its usual bite, and Jenny picked up on it.
“Is everything all right?” Jenny asked.
Camila didn’t know whether to laugh or cry because she couldn’t remember the last time everything had been all right.
“I…I’ve made a ho
rrible mistake.” It wasn’t easy for her to admit it, but Jenny was the one person who would understand.
“This is about the nanny, isn’t it?” Jenny asked. “You pushed her away because you have feelings for her, didn’t you?”
“I… How did you know that?”
“Because I know you, Camila.” Camila imagined the look of exasperation on her face. “I know you think that you don’t deserve to be happy. I know you’re convinced that you ruin everyone’s life, but I know you, Cam. You’re a good person, and you deserve to have someone, and if she makes you happy, maybe you should stop standing in your own way.”
“It’s too late,” Camila said. She shook her head and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. “I already pushed her away.”
“I’m sure the damage isn’t beyond repair.”
But Camila was sure that it was—the past few days had proved it.
“What did you do?”
Camila told her, and Jenny groaned. “You’re such a fucking idiot, Camila.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m sorry, but you are. You take the girl away to London, take her on a date—and don’t tell me it wasn’t a date because it clearly was—make out with her, then turn around and say, ‘Sorry, not interested.’”
“It was for the best.”
“Because she’s too young for you? Because she works for you? Because she’s too good for you?”
“Yes. All of the above.”
“Bullshit.” Jenny sounded angrier than Camila had heard in a long, long time. “God, that poor girl—you’ve given her all these mixed signals. If you care about her so much, don’t you think she deserves to know the truth? If you’re scared, tell her. If you don’t want a relationship, tell her why. If you think she’s too young for you, say it. If you don’t want to date an employee, let her decide if she’d rather have you or a job. If you think you’re going to wreck her, tell her why and let her decide whether that’s a risk she’s willing to take. Just… For God’s sake, just stop dancing around and being such a coward and tell her how you really fucking feel.”
Camila blinked, shocked at the outburst and at the fact that Jenny knew her so well, well enough to know why Camila had done what she did and to argue each and every single point. She hated that she might be right.
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