After I’d given him the full story of my history with Mack, my boyfriend’s reaction further proved why I’d fallen for him in the first place.
“You still have feelings for him.”
“I don’t exactly understand what they mean. They could just be feelings of nostalgia.”
“But you’re confused.”
“Yes.”
“You know your happiness means everything to me, right?”
“I know you really mean that. I’m just not sure if I deserve it.”
“Francesca, I don’t think I’ve ever really felt that I deserve you. You’re young and beautiful…nurturing and intelligent. I go to sleep every night feeling like the luckiest man alive to be sleeping next to you.” He smiled. “And when your mood allows, getting to make love to you.” But I wake up every morning unsure of whether that day will be the day you figure out that you could do better. Or that maybe you’d prefer being with someone closer to your own age. The one thing I am sure of is that I don’t want you here if you don’t want to be. I love you enough to let you work this out if that’s what you need.”
The only man who’d ever really made me feel safe was offering to distance himself from me. That didn’t exactly sit well.
“I don’t want to go anywhere, Vic.”
“I’ll always take care of you if that’s what you want. I’ll always want you in my life, but only as long as I can make you happy. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes. You do make me happy. You always have.”
That was the truth.
“Since we’re being honest with each other tonight, I actually have something I need to talk to you about.”
My heart began to race. “Okay…”
“You remember that program that B.U. was trying to get going with Oxford?”
“Yes?”
“Well, last week, they offered me the opportunity to spearhead it in London for the first year.”
“Oh.”
“I turned them down, Francesca.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t think it would be possible for you to leave your job and come with me. So, it wasn’t an option for me to leave you. If, by some chance, you don’t plan on being around next year, I would take the position. But in case there’s any question, I’d rather have you. Nothing is more important to me. I just thought you should know about the offer.”
Knowing that he so readily gave up a dream position for me made me feel horrible given the fact that I was basically hung up on another man.
“I love you, Francesca. I hope that’s enough for you.”
“I love you, Vic.” I truly did love him. My feelings for him may not have been fueled by the same crazy passion I’d once felt toward Mack, but they were real just the same.
Victor eyes were sincere. “Thank you for being honest with me.”
Nothing got resolved that night. If anything, I was more confused as to why I was still pining over a man who’d left me years ago when I had one who worshipped me right under my nose.
It was the evening of our monthly PTO meeting. On the agenda was to designate the volunteers for several fundraisers that would take place in the spring.
Setting up the refreshments and a coffee urn in the hallway outside of the classroom, I couldn’t wait to get this over with so that I could go home, get into my pajamas, and relax. It was always exhausting to have evening commitments when the workday ran so late to begin with.
A deep voice from behind startled me. “A keg would be much more fun, wouldn’t it?”
I turned around to find Mack standing there, holding a box of chocolate chip cookies from the supermarket.
“What are you doing here?”
He placed the cookies on the table. “This is the parent and teachers meeting, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but…” I hesitated, not even knowing what to say.
He finished my sentence. “But I’m not supposed to be included in that group?” Mack snapped his finger. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought PTO stood for ‘pissing teacher off.’ My bad.”
“Well, if that were the case, you might be in the right place.”
“This is the right place for me tonight.”
“This meeting is for serious participants.”
“I’m serious about the teacher. Does that count?”
“No.”
“Actually, in all seriousness, I’d also like to help. It’s the least I can do after crashing your school year. I really would like to be as involved as I can in Jonah’s education. That’s the truth, okay? Getting to spend time with you is an added benefit.”
What could I say? He had just as much right to be here as anyone else.
“Just be aware that this isn’t the right place to be joking around or distracting the other attendees, for that matter.”
“I don’t plan on distracting anyone but you.”
“Yeah, well you have quite the fan base here. We have a very strict agenda to adhere to.”
He moved in closer and just stared me down for a bit. The contact caused my skin to prickle and my nipples to harden. “Don’t worry,” he said as he looked down, seeming to notice that my nipples were piercing through the fabric of my shirt. “Your points are well noted, Miss O’Hara.” He wriggled his brows. “I’ll see you inside.”
I hated that he knew he was having an effect on me. If my body had this kind of response now, what would have happened if he’d actually done more? Spontaneous impregnation? Some things just never change, and my reaction to this man was an example of that.
A long table sat in the middle of the spare classroom where we held the meeting. There wasn’t a single man in the room besides Mack. He was like the centerpiece.
I took my seat at the end of the table. “So, shall we get started?” Looking down at my list, I said, “First on the agenda is the book fair. We need to elect someone to be in charge of it and coordinate the volunteers.”
Mack raised his hand.
“Yes?” I asked.
“That sounds like it’s right down my alley. I’d like to volunteer to run the book fair.”
“What makes you want that task? It’s a lot of responsibility.”
He thought about it for a moment then said, “I write children’s books. I think I’d be a perfect fit.”
“That’s a good point,” one of the women said. “He might be the perfect fit.”
I’m sure you’re thinking he’d be the perfect fit, alright…in your vagina.
“Okay…but I hope you know that there is a tremendous amount of work that goes into organizing that particular event. It takes place over the course of an entire weekend. You have to place orders with the bookseller, do inventory, delegate tasks, and arrange for an onsite food vendor because many people just come for the food. Ultimately, the food is the bait.”
“I can bait people. I’m a master baiter.” He paused. “I mean…I can handle it. I’ll get a shitload of people to sign up.”
An attending nun gave him a dirty look for his use of foul language.
He cleared his throat, seeming to regret his choice of terminology. “I’ll get people to attend. Don’t worry.”
“I’ll put your name down as a possibility. We’ll take a vote at the end.”
“Thank you.”
Looking around the room, I asked, “Is there anyone else here who is interested in taking the reigns on the book fair?”
Not a single person budged.
One woman said, “No, but I’ll be happy to help Mack with whatever he needs.”
I’m sure you will.
Mack nodded then offered a smug smile. “Thank you.” He then took a bite of his cookie and winked at me.
I was sure my cheeks were turning crimson. “Okay, then. Moving on.”
By the end of the meeting, the votes for Mack to head the book fair were unanimous. That event also had the most volunteers out of every other, especially once he offered to hold the planning meetings
at his house. A vision of Mack in a Hugh Hefner-like bathrobe, smoking a cigar, surrounded by swarms of horny mothers flashed through my mind. I shrugged it off.
For the most part, Mack was on his best behavior for the remainder of the meeting.
Once everyone dispersed, he lingered until it was just the two of us alone in the classroom.
He was leaning back into his chair, swiveling back and forth slightly as he just looked at me with a mischievous smile.
I began to pack up my things. Without looking him in the eyes, I said, “You’ve never run a school event before. Don’t you think you’re going to be in a little over your head?”
“Not when I have you to help me.”
“Isn’t it typical to ask someone first before assuming they’ll help you?”
“Frankie…can you help me run the book fair?” He joked.
“You have more than enough volunteers, actually.” I held up a piece of paper. “Look at this list.”
“Yeah, but none of them are as smart and resourceful as you. As an example, none of those women would know to use their boogers as glue.”
I couldn’t believe he remembered that. I’d once confessed to him that as a kid, I’d run out of glue during an art project and used some of my own snot to hold some construction paper together. It was an absolutely disgusting thought now. Nevertheless, I couldn’t deny it.
“How do you even remember that?”
“I know everything about you, Frankie Jane. Well, up until a certain point.”
“Anyway, there are easier ways to spend time with me than hijacking a school fundraiser, you know.”
“Really? Because you don’t make it easy at all. Every time I mention getting together, you change the subject. Is it because you truly don’t want to spend time with me, or are you just afraid of what you might feel if you do? Personally, I think it’s the latter. You think I can’t read you, but I can.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. It’s one of my many talents.”
Holding out my hand, I said, “Stop.”
“What?”
“I know you’re about to go on about your other talents, and you’re gonna say something suggestive. Don’t forget where we are.”
“Jesus…you’re no fun.”
“Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain, either,” I whispered. “Sister Theresa is right outside that door. She’ll come in here and hit you with her famous stick.” When he smirked, I held out my index finger. “I know you want to say something right now about your famous stick.”
“God, Frankie…what kind of a pig do you think I am?” he teased.
“Don’t say God.”
“You are totally putting words in my mouth, trying to predict what I’m going to say next. Although, words are not what I fucking want in my mouth right now.”
Jesus Christ.
Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain.
I tightened the muscles between my legs.
“See?” I spewed.
“See what? That I’m a crass king of sexual innuendos who’ll use any opportunity he can get to make you blush? Yes. Then I am completely guilty. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“Shh. Don’t say that!”
“Maybe that’s what I need, to go to confession.”
“You have issues.”
“You’re absolutely right. I think I’m gonna go this week, in fact. I’ll tell Father Louis about my coveting the beautiful, young teacher who used to be my best friend. I’ll tell him how I fantasize about what my hand print would look like on your ass. Maybe he can splash some holy water on me, cool me down. I hope to God he can help me get over you, because nothing else has ever worked.”
“Stop.”
“You’re not even enjoying this a little bit?”
I was enjoying it a lot…a little too much to the point where my panties were now drenched.
Lifting my bag over my shoulder, I said, “We should get out of here. They need to lock up the building.”
He stood up and gestured his hand toward the door. “After you…”
The air was cold outside, and it was foggy. Mack quietly walked me to my car.
As we stopped in front of my vehicle, we just looked at each other for a few moments.
His expression turned serious. “I thought I saw you once.”
“What?”
His breath was visible as he spoke. “Jonah was about six months old. Torrie and I had taken him to the mall. He was in one of those carriers on my chest. She’d gone off to shop in one of the stores, and I was standing there in the middle of the mall carrying the baby. There was this girl. She looked just like you from the back, same straight, red hair that was exactly the length it was the last time I’d seen you. Same posture, too.”
“You really thought she was me?”
He nodded, looking sullen. “I was sure of it. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I was so caught up in the idea that it was you, I couldn’t even rationalize in my brain that your being in Virginia at that time probably wouldn’t have made any sense. I guess that was because I wanted so badly to believe that it was you. And I did. I truly believed it.”
“What did you do?”
“I stood there for the longest time working up the nerve to go up to you. Jonah was crying, but it was like I’d forgotten he was even there attached to me. Nothing else mattered in that moment as I began to gear myself up to tell you how much I missed you, to tell you all of the things that had been building inside of me in the time we’d been apart. In my delusional state, I didn’t even doubt for one second that it was you. I remember my chest feeling so heavy. One step at a time, I moved closer and closer to where you were standing in the food court, checking out a menu. I don’t know what I was thinking would happen. It wasn’t like I could have run away with you or something. I just remember feeling like I’d been given a second chance, that somehow, some way, God had brought you to where I was in that exact moment.”
“You went up to me? To her?”
“Yeah.” He let out a slight, unamused laugh and shook his head. “I called out, ‘Frankie.’ When she turned around, obviously it wasn’t you. I felt like such a fucking fool.”
“You didn’t know.”
“I should’ve known you wouldn’t have been all the way in Virginia. But I just wanted to believe it was you so badly.”
“What did the girl say to you?”
“Nothing. I apologized, letting her know I thought she was someone else then walked away in a daze. Torrie came back soon after carrying some bags. She kept asking me what was wrong that night. I guess I must have looked as spent as I’d felt. In some ways, it was harder than anything that had happened up until then. It was like I’d lost you all over again. It made me realize just how filled with regret I was, how much had been left unsaid.”
“What were you going to say to me? You know…if it were really me at that mall?”
“That’s the thing…I didn’t even know what I was going to say, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve made an absolute ass of myself, standing there blubbering away with a baby hanging off of me. It wasn’t meant to be that day. I made a vow in that moment, though, that if I ever did get the chance to see you again, that I wouldn’t fuck it up, that I would come prepared. I promised myself that I would make my intentions crystal clear to you and wouldn’t waste the opportunity that the universe granted me.”
“Have you ever heard that song ‘Pictures of You’ by The Cure?”
“I think so, yeah.”
“Every time I hear it, I think of you.”
“I’ll have to listen to it tonight.” Mack reached his hand toward my neck and removed my loose scarf, repositioning it around my neck. “Anyway, it’s cold. You’d better get into the car and blast the heat.”
Suddenly not wanting to leave him, I wasn’t sure what to say, so I simply responded with, “I’ll help you with the book fair stuff if you want. I’ve been involved with it before.”
; “I would really appreciate that.”
Later that night, I was in bed when a text message lit up my phone.
Mack: That freaking song. Wow. I’d never listened to the words.
I typed.
Francesca: I know.
Mack: Now I can’t stop playing it.
I didn’t know what had compelled me earlier to admit that song reminded me of him. He’d shared the mall story with me. I guess I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone in having feelings of regret and sadness over the years.
Mack: It always killed me that all I had left of you were the pictures I’d stashed away. How was it even possible that we never took one together, though?
Francesca: I know. I’ve wondered the same thing.
Mack: Anyway…I just wanted to let you know I love the song. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Francesca: You’re welcome.
Mack: By the way, I started looking at this catalog of children’s books for the book fair. I know which one I’m gonna order first.
Francesca: Which one?
Mack: It’s called Do You Want To Play With My Balls?
He sent me a picture of what looked like a children’s book featuring that same title.
Francesca: This can’t be real!
Mack: LOL. No, it’s not. It’s for adults. Did I just give you a heart attack?
It was one of many mini heart attacks he’d given me lately.
Francesca: This is totally something you would have given me as a gag gift back in college.
Mack: Back in college? It’s been ordered and is being shipped to you. Estimated delivery is Monday.
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