by R. Cayden
“Anyway,” Gray said, “it seems like Declan will save the day, thank god.”
Seb cleared his throat. “Excuse me?”
“What?” Gray asked.
Seb rolled his eyes as he laughed. “Duh, Gray. I’m the computer genius with latent hacker tendencies. You didn’t think I could be of service?”
Gray frowned. “What kind of thing could you do? It’s not like we were on computers.”
Seb smiled and crossed his arms over his chest as he turned to Jameson. “Next time your boyfriend wants to have an adventure, call me so I can cover your tracks for you, okay?”
Jameson opened his mouth to correct Seb about the word boyfriend, but Gray pulled him closer first. James spun his face up, then pulled Gray into a kiss. Slowly, Gray kissed back, his body loosening. Now that Gray was coming back to him, Jameson was desperate not to let go. He pressed his lips up against Gray’s ear. “I want to be your boyfriend,” he whispered.
Gray squeezed him closer, then dragged his lips across Jameson’s mouth, making Jameson giggle from the scrape of his beard. “I want to be your boyfriend, too,” he whispered.
“Okay,” Seb said, then coughed loudly. “That answers a few other questions I was having, I suppose.”
Laughing shyly, Jameson let himself stare in Gray’s eyes for just a few seconds longer. They were his boyfriend’s eyes. He told it to himself, tasting the thought, willing it to become more and more true. And if they really were boyfriends, that meant Jameson got to keep feeling the way he felt around Gray.
Like himself.
Seb showed them around his workspace a little more, and then Gray headed down to help his uncle retrieve things from the car. As he left, Jameson noticed the clouds of worry returning to his gaze. He considered running after Gray, then pulling him close and kissing him until he relaxed again, but he hesitated, unsure of himself. Gray had never really seemed like he needed space, and he and Jameson had just decided to be boyfriends together. So why now, visiting his family, was Jameson suddenly overwhelmed by self-doubt and totally uncertain how to support his guy?
Maybe if he had ever dated before, he realized, he’d have some idea what to do.
Seb invited Jameson to stay and keep him company in his workspace. Gladly, Jameson accepted, and he found himself with a glass of red wine, sitting on opposite ends of a couch with his new friend.
“You know,” Seb said, “I wasn’t joking earlier, about you needing my help. Although I’m not encouraging you to go on the run again,” he said quickly, then laughed. “Declan nearly flipped his lid, thinking Gray was going to get himself arrested. I don’t think I could go through another week of that.”
“Sorry,” Jameson laughed, scratching the back of his head. “I hope it’s okay to say this, but Gray really looks up to Declan.”
Seb smiled broadly. “I know,” he said. “Declan really admires Gray, too. They’re good family to each other, and to me, too. Anyway, I do know some tricks that might help you, if you ever want to travel with more anonymity.”
“Whenever I take official trips, I use fake names, fake accounts, all that kind of stuff.” Jameson sighed, then sipped his wine. “But it never works. People always figure out where I am, and there is always media waiting for me.”
“That’s the thing,” Seb explained. “You’re taking care of stuff up here,” he waved his hand around, “but there’s a bunch of other stuff happening down here.” He dropped his hand closer to the floor, then shook it around a little more. “Down here is where I can help you out—cover your tracks, get you some secure documents, all of that fun stuff.”
Jameson nodded. “If you think you can help, that’s great! Thank you!” He rubbed his finger along the top of his wine glass, smiling. “Gray did say you’re a genius.”
“Actually, there’s no such thing as geniuses,” Seb said brightly.
Jameson laughed. “He also said you would say that. Anyway, thanks so much. I really appreciate what you all are doing for me. Taking me in and dealing with the police for me and everything else.”
“We’re just happy to help,” Seb said. “And Kaiser Security is a great hideout. Between me and Declan, we’ve got everything fully secured here.”
“Great. Now I just need to face the real monster and call my publicist.” Jameson bit down on his lip, then looked to Seb. His emotions were still swirling as he thought about Gray, trapped in his own storm cloud, but he at least knew how to help himself feel better and more secure. “Do you mind if I do my makeup? Just while we’re hanging out, I mean.”
Seb shook his head, a friendly smile on his lips. “No, go ahead!”
“I usually have a look on,” Jameson explained as he grabbed his bag. “Lately, I mean. But I was worried about someone recognizing us on the drive over, so I cleaned it off.”
“I understand,” Seb said. He leaned back against the couch, swirling his wine as he watched Jameson dig through his bag. “And I think it’s nice, by the way! One of the reasons I know I was depressed before I met Declan is that I never really got dressed or thought about my outfits at all.” He smoothed down the front of his dress shirt. “I’m not fancy or stylish like you are, but whenever I comb my hair and put on a fresh shirt, I just feel better. And since I got together with Declan, I’m inspired to do that every day.”
Jameson swirled an eyeliner pencil in his hand. “You’re stylish,” he said. “Those jeans are cute.”
Seb blushed as he glanced at his jeans, then stretched a leg out toward the coffee table. “I try,” he laughed.
Jameson found his compact mirror, then went to work, tracing the eyeliner across his bottom lid with a steady hand as he stared into his reflection. There were so many other things he needed to worry about, he knew, but a big part of Jameson needed most just to feel like himself, the person who could find his way straight to Gray’s heart every time.
“Cute color,” Seb said brightly.
“Thanks!” Jameson said, already feeling better.
For half an hour, Jameson and Seb carried on like that. They swapped bodyguard stories, joked about their men, and learned as much about each other as two people could in that little time. It wasn’t until Jameson was dusting himself with finishing powder and Seb started pouring more wine that a knock on the door interrupted their bonding session.
“Gentlemen,” Gray said, a smile tugging up his lips as he glanced between them. “Ready for dinner?”
Gray
“You took him to a movie theater!” Declan barked. “Twice! I explained this to you, Gray. Jameson needs extra kinds of protection. You can’t do that for him if you’re holding hands over the god damn Raisinets!”
They were about an hour into the latest lecture, and Gray was finally starting to lose his focus. The night before, Declan had laid off once they started dinner, and Gray had fooled himself into thinking the storm had passed. It had felt calm and easy, especially with the way Seb and Jameson immediately hit it off, and Gray had even managed to push all of his self-doubts aside enough to enjoy the evening. He figured, with how Declan was chatting up Jameson and switching out the old albums on the record player all night, they’d skipped straight ahead to the part where he was forgiven.
Fooling himself, he realized, just like he always was. Because the second Gray and Jameson had finished fooling around, Jameson had fallen asleep, and Gray had laid there all night, obsessing over the fact that he had just become boyfriends with Jameson, and at the exact moment when it seemed clear he wasn’t good enough for his precious guy.
And fooling himself, too, that Declan would ever let him off easy
“Hey!” Declan said, his voice sharp. “Are you listening?” They were in the corner of the downstairs loft with Declan’s weights and exercise equipment, and Gray was reluctantly spotting his uncle while he received his berating.
Gray handed Declan his water. “Yes, Uncle Declan.”
He took the bottle with a sigh. Gray could see that he still followed his strict
exercise routine. Just like Gray remembered from when he was a kid, his uncle’s muscles popped, although there were shaded with a lot more ink now, and wrinkles tugged at the corners of his eyes. Declan shook his head, then squirted some water into the back of his throat. “What about you, kid?” he asked with a grunt. “How are you feeling?”
Gray swallowed, then scratched the back of his head. He was feeling a hell of a lot of things, as a matter of fact, and he wanted to tell Declan about all of them, from the situation back in Albany to the excitement of seeing Seb and Jameson become friends. But in his tornado of emotions, there was one thing he needed to say more than all the rest.
“I’m fucking in love with Jameson, Uncle Declan. It’s out of control.”
Declan snorted. “You could say that again. You tell him yet?”
Gray stuck his tongue against the side of his mouth. “No,” he answered reluctantly. “I haven’t had the right chance.” The flimsy excuse seemed better than the truth: that he wasn’t feeling like he particularly deserved to say that to Jameson at the moment.
“Too busy playing grab-ass in the movie theaters,” Declan barked. “Gray, if you’re in love with Jameson, you need to tell him how you feel. Hiding it doesn’t do either of you any favors.”
Declan grabbed a back massager, then reached back to dig it into his muscles, and Gray took the opportunity to sit on the workout bench. “But isn’t that fucked up, for me to just tell him that I love him?”
Declan rolled his eyes. “Why the hell would that be fucked up, kid?”
In his chest, Gray felt his breath turn kind of raspy. Suddenly, it was hard to force his voice out. “Because I’m bad for him,” Gray said flatly. “I’m bad for everyone, just like the rest of our family.”
Declan’s breath was heavy behind his ribs, and in the silence that stretched between them, Gray felt tears biting at the corners of his eyes. He rubbed the heel of his palm across his eyes, then cursed.
Declan sat down beside him, then placed his hand on Gray’s shoulder. “Our family, and most of your grandpa’s kids, we’ve got some bad patterns. I don’t have to tell you how many of our cousins have ended up dead or in jail. And the first thing I need you to know, Gray, is that you’re not them.”
Gray choked on his breath. “How do you know?”
“Because the family we came from, those assholes only care about themselves. And you? You care a hell of a lot, Gray, and you’re always thinking about other people. You’re always thinking about the ones you love.”
Finally, the tears broke through. Gray wanted to believe in what Declan was saying so bad it hurt. He let himself suck in a couple deep breaths, then pulled himself back together, fighting to hold strong.
“But that’s not all, Gray. I know, you’re running your game in a different way. You’re not targeting innocent people or going after the vulnerable. I fucking get it. But that guy upstairs, the one who keeps fluttering his eyelashes at you and laughing at your goddamn jokes?” Declan licked his tongue across his teeth, then nodded. “If you’re able to treat him right and keep your head on straight, that seems like a damn good excuse to consider retiring.”
A weird feeling surged through Gray. There was a touch of fear, or maybe nervousness, but it was strung through with pride, too, at hearing the way his uncle talked about him. His jaw tightened as he shook his head.
Of course he was able to treat Jameson right. He would fight like hell to be with his guy, and with Declan rubbing his shoulder, he was damn sure that no one could stop him.
Gray puffed out a breath, then turned to Declan. “I’ll treat him right,” he said confidently, holding his uncle’s eye. “I know I will. But, what about Raiden and Horatio? I feel like I’m abandoning them.”
Declan stood, then picked the back massager up again. “What would Raiden and Horatio say?”
Gray laughed. “They’d say I should do whatever the hell I want, but that’s the problem. A week later, they’d probably try to make their own fireworks or some shit and end up in the hospital.”
“I know the feeling,” Declan grunted, slapping Gray’s back hard, then returning to massaging his own back. “Raiden and Horatio are your family, and you’re never going to stop worrying about them. Falling in love with Jameson won’t change that, trust me. If anything, it will just make you care about your people more.”
Gray sucked in a sharp breath, his anxieties surging back to the surface. “What am I supposed to do then? How am I supposed to work things out?”
“You talk to your guy,” Declan said sharply. “Tell him the truth: that if you’re going to share a future, there needs to be a place there for the rest of your family, too. And remember, it’s not bad fucking news.” Declan grinned, then crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re inviting him into the family. We might scare some of the other families, but in the end, we take care of each other.”
Gray let out a puff of breath. “Thanks, Uncle Declan.”
Declan grunted. “Why don’t you go check on our guys while I finish this workout? See if they need any help in the war room.”
Gray nodded, but after a few steps, he stopped himself. “Hey, Uncle Declan, could you do me a favor?”
Declan grabbed a bulky hand weight. “What now?”
“Next time a good job comes around, will you consider Raiden?”
Declan grunted. “On your recommendation? I’ll take him.”
A grin ate up Gray’s face. It wasn’t a total solution to his problems, but it was progress. Plus, he’d definitely have some peace of mind if he knew his uncle was snarling down Raiden’s neck and messing with his business. Gray chuckled as he imagined Declan ranting at his friend, then paused at the door to Seb’s office.
Tightening his fists, he tried to force down all of his doubts, and hold onto the feeling that Declan had inspired in him. Fuck, he felt like a mess, like he could still break down in tears at any minute, if he let himself.
Maybe the smart thing would have been to walk away a long time ago, to leave Jameson for his own good. But now that they were together, Gray knew he would never be able to tear himself free.
He pushed open the door to the office, then walked in. At the big wooden table in the middle of the room, Seb and Jameson sat across from each other, piles of papers and a few open laptops littered in the space between them. Jameson was still wearing Gray’s old wolf sweatshirt, which made him smile, and the two guys were chatting back and forth as they drank coffee.
“Hi, handsome,” Jameson said warmly. When Gray approached, he spun on his stool to offer a quick kiss.
“I like that color,” Gray said, tapping his finger against Jameson’s soft lip. The pink lipstick reminded him of candy, like something he was supposed to lick.
“Thank you,” Jameson smiled.
“How’s the work going?”
“Good. Seb is just showing me how to more effectively hide my activity online.”
Seb spun the laptop to face them as he nodded at Gray. “It only took me about half an hour to track down one of his accounts. But that’s okay! Most people wouldn’t be able to do it. And anyway, I’ve been covering his tracks all morning, so things should be in the clear now.”
Gray nodded. He looked at the laptop, numbers racing across the screen in some kind of code he didn’t understand. “Cool.”
“My publicist wants me to do a press conference,” Jameson said. “Now that everyone knows I haven’t been kidnapped, she needs a new story to replace it.”
Gray rested his hands on Jameson’s shoulders. “Are you going to?”
“Maybe,” Jameson sighed. “She says it will be good for the brand. I’m sure her team came up with something that will make the masses happy. It will feel shitty, but at least it will bring things to a close. Hopefully.”
Seb started explaining some more of what he’d done on the computer, and Gray went to work massaging Jameson’s shoulders, digging his thumb in with just enough pressure. Dealing with things like this str
essed Jameson the fuck out, and he understood why. It made him even more proud of his boyfriend for facing the music and trying to find a way forward.
He needed to be that strong, too, Gray reminded himself. After all, they were always stronger together.
And with all the support they had, all the people who were coming together for them, Gray actually believed they could pull the damn thing off.
JAMESON
Jameson walked through a hazy gray cloud. It felt like his feet were floating beneath him, and no matter how hard he stepped, he couldn’t quite touch the ground. Through the haze, different people kept appearing, then disappearing again. Each time, their faces peered at him, staring like they were trying to figure something out, and their blank expressions sent a shiver down to his core.
In the distance, he saw Gray, floating away. They would catch each other’s eyes and try to push closer to each other, but then the cloud was swirling, and they’d be lost again, chilling Jameson with fear.
“Jameson, Jameson.”
He stirred, then pulled himself from the dream. It took a second to reorient, but once he felt the firm, warm embrace of his boyfriend, he remembered where he was.
“Gray,” he said, then rubbed his eyes. The fear started to fade, and he cuddled himself closer. Out the window, the world was still dark and quiet. “What’s going on?”
“Don’t worry,” Gray whispered in his ear. “Nothing bad.” He kissed Jameson on the cheek, then crawled out of bed. “Just a surprise.”
Jameson rubbed the heel of his palm against his eye and pulled himself back to reality. There wasn’t anyone staring at him, no strangers peering into his life. There was just Gray, the person he wanted to be there. The person he had chosen.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed, sitting up. “What kind of a surprise happens in the middle of the night?”