by Jo Lovett
‘Doesn’t matter, obviously. Listen, let’s bin painting and go to that pub instead and get very drunk.’
‘The car.’
‘We’re only a couple of miles from your house. We can cab it back to yours and Rohan can walk over here and drive it back for us.’
‘That’s a lot to ask of him. He’s already babysitting for me.’
‘Izzy. I will make it up to him with very good and slightly kinky sex later. He really won’t mind.’
‘Eeurgh.’
Thirty-Six
Sam
Sam glared at his phone screen. So many pointless emails from people he did not want to hear from. He exited the airport and headed for the taxi rank. Drizzle. Of course. He should be pleased to be arriving home to see the twins, and he was, of course he was. But it was hard not to be sick to the stomach miserable about Izzy.
He did at least get straight into a cab.
There was an email he wasn’t expecting in his work inbox. From an E. Brooks, entitled ‘From Emma, Izzy’s best friend – please read’.
Dear Sam,
Please ignore this email if you don’t know my best friend, Izzy Castle, i.e. if you aren’t the Sam McCready, although I’m pretty sure you are. If you are him, I wonder if you could give me a call on the number below.
Izzy’s deeply in love with you and deeply miserable and has a deeply spurious, but strongly held, belief that she can’t marry you. I think she’s wrong. I think it’s fixable.
I’d love to hear from you.
Yours,
Emma Brooks
Yes, he was going to be calling Emma. Couldn’t hurt.
He asked the taxi driver to drop him a couple of blocks from the apartment. He wanted to make this call now, and he did not want to make it in front of the twins. Liv had ears as long as a hare’s. And since he now knew that she wasn’t shy about asking him about his private life and she was already going to be grilling him on yesterday’s disastrous meeting with Izzy, he didn’t want her to hear this conversation too.
Thirty-Seven
Izzy
‘Your Christmas party is here?’ Izzy hadn’t set foot inside Terry’s Greasy Spoon since her last shift here, over thirteen years ago, the weekend before she started her full-time social work job. The outside hadn’t changed at all, so there was a more than fighting chance that inside was still fairly similar to how it had been a decade and a half before. No-one sane would ever mistake it for a nice party spot.
Fortunately, Izzy didn’t really have any festive spirit to be diminished by the bizarre venue choice.
Emma, having recommended that Izzy dress smartly, had turned up to pick Izzy up wearing a very low-cut midnight blue jumpsuit, which looked stunning on her tall, lean frame, and fancy jewellery, shoes and handbag. When she’d seen her, Izzy had gone back upstairs and blinged herself up a bit more before coming back down. Emma had been unusually tolerant about the fact that they’d then set off fifteen minutes later than planned. And now they were walking into Terry’s. So bizarre to be holding a Christmas party in a complete dive, and not a cool one. Was this some kind of trendy ironic thing that Izzy didn’t get?
Emma mumbled something that Izzy couldn’t hear properly, opened the door and said, ‘You go first.’
‘Thank you,’ Izzy was still saying as her eyes took in the interior of the café and her brain started to compute stuff. Slowly. She felt her forehead stretch into a confused frown.
The layout of the café was exactly the same as it had been when Izzy had worked there. Counter along the back wall, facing the door, with the kitchen behind. This evening, the counter was festooned in Christmas décor: holly, berries, twigs, silver tinsel, silver baubles, all sorts. All very normal for a Christmas party. Very tasteful, actually. It looked as though the walls were still covered in the same foot-square, greyish white tiles they’d worn in Izzy’s day, but you couldn’t really tell because some decorations had been hung around the room plus the strip lights in the ceiling weren’t on. With the lights this low and all the Christmas décor, the café looked genuinely appealing. There were fairy lights on a Christmas tree in the corner and candles on the only table in the room. It was a four-person one, and was in the middle of the room, covered in a bottle green tablecloth, fabric not paper, and laid for two, for what looked like a multi-course meal.
Izzy heard the door close behind her and looked round to ask Emma what was happening and where everyone else was. Given that they were late, surely at least a few other people should have arrived by now.
Emma had gone.
And then she heard a voice from the direction of the counter. Sam’s voice. What?
‘Good evening. Could I take your coat?’ He was dressed in a very nice dark-grey suit, with a sparkling white shirt and red tie. So handsome.
Izzy was so confused that she shrugged out of her coat without saying anything and just stood, lemon-like, next to the table, as Sam took it from her and hung it up in the corner, on a very nice, modern chrome coat stand, very much not something that would normally feature in Terry’s café, and in fact very similar to the one that Emma had in her hall. A man’s overcoat was already hanging there, presumably Sam’s.
‘I have a Kir royale for you, but also a glass of tap water if you’d prefer.’
‘Um, water please.’ She should stay sober. Before she walked out. Although, a couple of alcoholic sips wouldn’t go amiss. The sugar might get her brain working. ‘And the Kir royale too. Thank you very much.’
‘Not a problem.’ Sam moved over to the counter to get the drinks. ‘Now, first of all, I obviously have to apologise for having brought you here by subterfuge.’ Sam looked like a nervous little boy. In an extremely gorgeous man’s body. ‘I’d be incredibly grateful if you’d allow me the opportunity to have another attempt at explaining things to you, but I completely understand if you’d rather leave now, and I’ll walk you home, or call a cab for you.’ Maybe she should stay just for a few minutes. He’d obviously gone to a lot of effort for this evening.
‘Would you like to sit down?’ Sam pulled the chair on the door side of the table out.
‘Thank you.’ Izzy sat. These shoe boots had been comfortable when she tried them on but now the left one was really pinching her little toe. And it was weird standing up, just the two of them, for too long. Sam sat down opposite her.
‘The reason that I wanted to meet here is that this is where our story started,’ he said. Their story, if that was how he wanted to describe it, had indeed started here, and Izzy did not really need to think about that day again. It hadn’t been good.
‘Mm-hm,’ she said, hoping that he’d shut up. Nope. He looked like a man with a lot to say and who was planning to say it pretty much no matter what. He’d placed his hands on the table in front of him, in a braced position, and his shoulders and jaw both looked tense, almost a bit muscle-twitchy.
‘The day we first met,’ he said, ‘I loved how you burned the bacon but gave me extra sausages, and I loved your smile. And how cute you were in your ridiculous elf costume that you were clearly furious about wearing. And the cheeky look in your eye. And if I’d been single, I would have leapt on your suggestion of a date in a heartbeat. In fact, I’d have been asking you out myself, first. You know, I wanted to say yes. I wished in that moment that I could walk away from my wedding and go out with you that evening.’ Wow. There was something about the way Sam spoke that told Izzy it was the truth. ‘I knew, somehow, that you’d make me laugh, make me think, make me happy. And I was right.’
‘Oh,’ Izzy said. While this was mind-blowingly confusing to listen to, it was also nice to know. Like in a few sentences Sam had finally put the mortification of the memory to bed. Maybe she was going to get closure on her relationship with him after all. Maybe he wanted closure too. Maybe that’s why he was doing this. He probably didn’t propose very often. He’d looked as though he’d meant it in the park last week. Probably he’d found that upsetting. Probably she should stay and
listen to everything he had to say.
‘On that day fourteen years ago, I knew, knew, that you were The One,’ Sam continued. ‘Which I found ridiculous, for two reasons. One, I did not believe in love at first sight, or that there was one The One for anybody. And two, I was, as you know, marrying someone else that day. Something that I have never said out loud before, to anyone, is that the reason that I proposed to Lana is that I got stupidly drunk following her revelation that she was pregnant with our baby, who turned out to be the twins, of course, and proposing seemed like the right thing to do. Being pregnant, she was sober, and she accepted my proposal, so I couldn’t tell her that I hadn’t really meant it and wasn’t in love with her. And so we got married. I feel incredibly disloyal to her memory in telling you that. But it’s important, I think.’
Izzy nodded. Speech was eluding her. All her brain could come up with was Woah.
‘I don’t know whether Lana and I would have stayed together forever. I don’t know whether she was really in love with me. I did come to love her, although I don’t think I was ever in love with her, and the time we had together was good. I was truly devastated by her death, on behalf of the twins, of course, and also on my own behalf, as my companion, and as one would be by that of any close friend or family member who lost their life far too soon. She was a great person and there’s a lot she would have done if she’d had the opportunity to live longer.’ Sam’s voice wobbled and Izzy put her hand out to take his.
‘I saw you once, and I think you saw me. I was on the Chelsea Library steps and you were on the pavement. I was going inside to research breast cancer prognoses. We’d literally just found out about Lana’s illness. I wanted so much to speak to you and that made me feel incredibly guilty, because it was a moment when I should have been thinking only about her.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Izzy said. Bit of a stupid thing to say but in her defence this was huge and she’d been completely unprepared. ‘I saw you too.’
‘Can I offer you an olive? Or a miniature cheese and onion toastie? Or a bacon and Beaufort tuile?’ Sam had the air of a man who needed a break from emotional chat. He stood up and moved over to the counter and returned with two plates. ‘I’m hoping that your grilled cheese and caramelised onion thing wasn’t just a pregnancy fetish.’ He smiled. ‘I think I remember almost every word of our conversation that day.’ Izzy took a mini toastie. It was definitely easier to eat than to speak at this point.
‘This is delicious,’ she said, pleased that she could formulate some words, even if they really weren’t up to the kind of narrative Sam had been producing. He smiled at her, his slow, lopsided smile. Izzy was pretty certain that it was a smile that you could live with for a lot of decades without going bored.
‘We both have excellent taste in savoury snacks. I got this very nice restaurant, The Circle, round the corner, to cater for us this evening. My cooking skills have improved, as you know, but they aren’t up to producing a gourmet meal in Terry’s kitchen. Which I doubt has changed since you worked here.’
‘I don’t think anyone has ever produced gourmet cuisine from that kitchen. The odd bit of food poisoning, maybe.’
‘Are you…?’ Sam cleared his throat very thoroughly. ‘Are you happy to stay and eat dinner with me?’
‘I’d like that.’ Izzy really couldn’t have said no. He’d gone to so much effort. Plus she was liking what he’d been saying.
‘Thank you.’ Sam beamed at her. ‘Could I say one more thing before I bring our starters out?’ Izzy nodded. So far, he’d said a lot of good things. ‘You’re the only woman I’ve ever been truly, deeply in love with. However, even if that weren’t the case, even if I’d been passionately in love with Lana, or with someone else since we lost her, that would be the past, and now is the present, and the future is the future. One sec, I think that’s the timer.’ He stood up and went into the kitchen. And Izzy’s mind started to work. She wasn’t second best. She was the only woman he’d ever properly fallen in love with. And, even if that hadn’t been the case, he was in love with her now and for the future, and that was all that counted.
In a perfect world, anyway.
‘One more thing,’ said Sam, poking his head out of the kitchen. ‘I know that I’m incredibly lucky with my family. You had bad luck with your parents and they sound spectacularly selfish and it sounds as though they never put you first, but your grandmother did, didn’t she? You aren’t second best. It isn’t about you; it was about your parents being self-centred. Anyway. I think I’m expressing myself badly.’ He withdrew his head and there was some muffled clattering. He hadn’t expressed himself badly. What he’d said actually made enormous sense.
‘Our starter is scallops with a cauliflower puree and something to do with truffle and prosciutto.’ Sam placed Izzy’s plate in front of her. Their hands brushed as he put the plate down and she nearly jumped through the ceiling. The tingle was extraordinary. Another one of those things that, really, did anyone actually believe in? Electricity between two people who were attracted to each other? Really? Well, yes. It was like that small touch had ignited lots of flares inside her, all over her body. Okay, time to focus on the food before she spontaneously combusted.
‘I love scallops.’
‘Yup. Little bird told me.’ Sam grinned at her. Izzy decided she’d save having a go about Emma’s obvious collusion in this until tomorrow.
Sam held off on any more deep and meaningful chat during their starter and main course, a very nice, Christmassy venison Wellington with roasted chestnuts and purple sprouting broccoli. They talked about the kids, their favourite Christmas customs, Christmas jumpers, skipping ropes, salsa dancing and whether they’d rather be a peacock farmer or an emu farmer. They could have talked for a long time, about absolutely nothing.
As they talked, Izzy drank in Sam’s smile, his laugh, his voice, his hands, the way his shoulder muscles strained against his shirt, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he was about to say something that he thought would make her giggle.
When they’d finished their main courses, Izzy made to clear the plates.
‘No, no,’ Sam said, standing up. ‘I’m doing this.’ He started to carry them into the kitchen.
Watching him work, Izzy felt herself smiling away. This was probably the best meal she’d ever had in her life. Top three, anyway. The other two having been their lunch all those years ago and their dinner in August. Although that had really not ended well. Thinking about it, Izzy felt her smile drop.
‘Hey.’ Sam sat back down. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’ Izzy switched a smile on.
‘Fake smile.’ Sam reached out and took her hands. Izzy let him. Their hands felt so right together. She could sit like this forever. ‘At the risk of sounding either horribly conceited, or just way off the mark, I hope that you weren’t remembering the way our last dinner ended.’ He was bloody psychic. ‘I’d like to hope that this dinner won’t end like that. And, in the interests of openness and honesty, I’d like to say that that was the best kiss of my entire life, and the reason that the evening ended the way it did, from my side anyway, was basically that I wasn’t ready to admit to myself and certainly not to you that I was deeply, irrevocably in love with you, and had been for a long time.’
‘Oh.’ Not what she’d thought he was going to say, again.
‘I love the way that you try really hard to be on time for things but you’re frequently late. I love your recipes. I love that you get relatively easily annoyed but that you rarely lose it with people because just as you’re about to say something your mind makes an excuse for them. I love your beautiful face. I won’t mention your gorgeous body because I don’t want to sound like your average Terry’s frequenter. Although, wow, in that dress. But, basically, I love you. And I love the way you make me feel. Complete.’
‘I love you too,’ Izzy said. ‘I love you so much.’ She could feel her lip going wobbly and her throat tightening up. Any minute now she was g
oing to cry. It was all so sad.
‘It doesn’t look like you’re on the brink of happy tears.’ Sam tightened his grip on her hands.
‘No.’
‘Could you tell me why?’
‘Because we live on opposite sides of the Atlantic.’
‘Yeah, I agree that’s an issue, but I’m pretty sure that we can come up with a solution.’ Like what? Please, please help this not be like when Dominic had suggested that she and Ruby move to Milan. Obviously she could work a lot more easily in New York than in Italy, but even so. She had her job and her practice, and Ruby was happy at school and seeing Dominic every weekend, and they both had a lot of local friends. And she couldn’t possibly expect Sam and, in particular, the twins, to move to London.
‘Mmm?’ she said. He was rubbing his thumb on the insides of her wrists now, and it felt amazing. Were wrists one of the seven erogenous zones that Monica and Rachel had been talking about in that Friends episode? Must have been. His touch was sending signals to faraway parts of her body. She wanted him so much.
‘Maybe we could move to London? The twins are very keen for you and Ruby to join our family. And it would be great for them to spend more time with their maternal grandparents. We could keep an apartment in New York and commute a little?’ He sounded like a desperate puppy. Desperate being the operative word.
‘But they’re at such a critical age and they’ve been through so much, and now they’re doing so much better. I mean, Barney and the debate team. And Liv’s much happier now and still seeing her physio, isn’t she?’ Izzy was struggling to concentrate because Sam was continuing the wrist thing with his thumbs. ‘You can’t leave New York.’
‘Izzy. I’ll do anything to make this work. I can’t ask you to take Ruby away from Dominic or leave your job.’ Sam’s gorgeous voice was cracking. And, suddenly, Izzy knew. This wasn’t like when Dominic had suggested that she and Ruby move to Milan. For the very simple reason that she loved Sam with all her heart, and home would always be where he was. She could work in the US. Ruby was still very young and adaptable. Maybe they could commute a little. They could spend the school holidays in the UK or Italy, to be close to Dominic. She was pretty sure that, now they weren’t going to get back together, Dominic would like to move permanently to Milan. He’d got his promotion and Ruby could visit him there as she got older. And maybe they could move back to London when the twins were old enough for college.