Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  His shoulders slumped. He tried and failed to meet any of their questioning gazes. “Abandon ship,” he whispered.

  “What?” Anasua leaned closer.

  He found strength long enough to repeat himself, this time with the false conviction of a man who had once been in command. Was still in command … but not of his circumstances. He felt dizzy, nauseated. His temples throbbed. “Abandon ship.”

  Anasua looked around at the remaining officers, then inclined her head. “You heard our fearless leader.” Her voice was dripped venom, but Hawke was beyond noticing. “Let’s go!”

  My ship. A trembling sob escaped him, then he felt himself yanked away from the podium by his shoulders. He let his officers guide him away, out of the ballroom, down the hallway. To the nearest bank of escape pods.

  The Vice Admiral is going to have my head, he thought miserably, climbing into a cramped pod with four seats. Hell, this might be a big enough failure to warrant the personal attention of The Grand C.O.G. himself: the Center of the Galaxy, long-standing Patriarch of the Federation.

  “...This ship will self-destruct in sixty seconds…”

  28

  Harry’s limbs jostled violently, even with Spiner’s arms latched securely around his torso and flank. His head bounced and bobbed in step with the android’s footfalls, despite his ongoing efforts to hold still. Between all the movement and the flashing red lights, the action around him had become a jumbled, incoherent mess.

  Resistance from Federation sailors was sparse, at best. The chaotic hallways were flooded with disoriented humans (and humanoids) in uniform who were more interested in finding a way out of the ticking time bomb that was their ship than stopping the gaggle of pirates and fur-clad tribesmen. Spiner and Kitt, with their ability to see in poor lighting, led the way for the group. Flanking them, almost as if in formation, Redbeard and Sonia were bowling over anyone unfortunate enough to get in their way.

  “Hey, watch where you’re going!” someone shouted.

  “Hah!” Redbeard shouted himself, sounding almost gleeful. “Tha’s ten effin’ Feds!”

  “Blimey,” Sonia replied, as she veered sideways, clipping someone in the shoulder, who promptly stumbled into a trio of oncoming sailors. She cackled. “Twelve!”

  Zuckberg trotted along behind the android. He periodically whined, “Hey, can we stop a second? I want to sniff that!” No one slowed down. “Hey, I think I want to pee over there! No? Aww…”

  They finally dashed out of the hallway into a large open space, then through an airlock that looked vaguely familiar.

  “...This ship will self-destruct in sixty seconds…”

  “Are we almost there?” Cass yelled, pitching her voice over the blaring alarm.

  “Almost,” Spiner replied without breaking stride. “We’re entering the FFS Murphy. Our ship will be up ahead … right, there.”

  Harry tried and failed to lift his head. There was too much jouncing around. He settled for watching Zuckberg’s wagging tail.

  “The ramp is closed!” Kitt’s voice.

  In stereo, Redbeard and Sonia grunted in response.

  “Now what?” Someone else. Who?

  “Shut yer trap, Djerke.” Redbeard.

  “Oy, don’t be talkin’ like tha’ to me louve-moofin’!”

  The captain’s voice cut through the din. “Enough! We need to break the lock. Quick!”

  Harry tried to crane his neck to see again, this time able to tilt it far enough to gaze sideways out of one eye. “Uhh, Spiner?”

  Spiner continued to run toward the ship, as if the ramp weren’t closed. An inconspicuous grin had spread across his face, which reminded Harry of Node’s pixelated expressions.

  It’s too bad Node isn’t able to join us on these adventures, he mused. If the usually stoic android was able to enjoy the thrill of near-death experiences, what would the SS Bray’s computer think of it all? He must feel like he’s missing out on all the fun.

  Node must’ve been paying attention—Harry didn’t know how else to explain it—because without any apparent intervention, the Bray shuddered to life and the ramp began to lower toward the ground.

  Spiner kept up his steady, fast pace. Impressively, his foot made contact with the ramp just as it touched the ground.

  “Go, go, go,” Cass shouted. “We’re not out of this yet!”

  The pirates stomped up the ramp, followed by the members of Sonia’s tribe, where a strong unpleasant scent was waiting for them.

  “Oof,” Redbeard grunted, topping the ramp. “It smells like me aunt’s outhouse!”

  “Worse!” Sonia replied, turning back to her people. “Cover yer noses!”

  Kitt bared her teeth, her face scrunched up into a scowl. “Did something die in here?”

  Cass’s gaze swept the hold. “No. Maybe. I don’t know. But there’s no time to worry about it.” She pointed toward the depths of the ship. “Everyone this way!” Her mechanical leggings whirred loudly beneath her shimmering blue dress as she sprinted into the corridor that led toward the commons and the bridge.

  “Welcome back,” called out a friendly voice.

  Node! Harry wanted to shout out in greeting and catch his friend up on everything that had happened, but the captain was still busy barking out orders. The guests were directed into the ship’s limited passenger quarters, where they were instructed to strap in. The crew proceeded onto the bridge, trailed by Zuckberg, Sonia and Djerke.

  Cass gave them a look that said they weren’t wanted there, but she didn’t give voice to her objections. Instead, she threw herself into the command chair. “Node,” she yelled. “Tell me we have a way out of here!”

  “Of course,” the computer replied. “Although we won’t make it.”

  Redbeard uttered a string of curses as he settled into his chair next to the captain. Kitt, her white fur clinging to her body, jumped up into his lap as he fastened his seat harness. “Oy, me kitten...” He wrapped his arms around her.

  Harry’s eyes bulged as his body finally stopped bobbing about and Spiner, still carrying him, sat down at his console. Was this the end of the line for the pirates? If so, at least he would die knowing he had done his part. He’d made a difference. And we have friends, Buddy. Real friends.

  Node spoke again, “I can, of course, ask Williamina to delay the countdown.”

  “Arrr, do it!” Redbeard roared.

  “Captain?” Node replied, sounding very casual.

  Cass rolled her eyes. “Please, Node?”

  “Done.” A smiley face popped up on-screen. “I’ll also have her work with the Murphy’s computer to release the clamps on our ship and bring the energy barrier down, so we can leave before the Brickhouse blows.”

  “Her?”

  Harry glanced over to the science console, where Sonia had claimed a spot. The man in the leather jacket sat on her lap, and she had one arm hooked protectively around his waist.

  “The Brickhouse AI, of course,” Spiner said. He had an uncharacteristic smile on his face … strangely matching Node’s smile on the viewscreen.

  Harry was the only one to notice. “Umm, Spiner?”

  Spiner’s eyes met Harry’s. “Yes? What?”

  “Why are you acting like Node?”

  “Like … oh! Oops.” His smile vanished. “Coincidence, I’m sure.”

  The smile on the viewscreen had vanished as well, replaced by the view of the docking area.

  “Spiner?” This time it was the captain. “Can you fly us out of here, or do you need Node to assist?”

  The android gave Harry a blank look, then blinked. “What? Yes. I’ve got it.”

  “Good. Let’s get on with it, then, before the Brickhouse decides to finish its countdown.”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  Harry watched the android’s hands on the console, so swift and confident. The SS Bray lifted smoothly into the air and moved toward a gap in the dock. An ocean of stars lay beyond its mouth.

  Meanwhile, Zu
ckberg ran around the bridge, tail wagging violently as he sniffed at every nook and cranny.

  Kitt peeked up over Redbeard’s shoulder and hissed in the direction of the dog. “Don’t even think about peeing on anything.”

  Zuckberg paused and lifted his head. “Oh come on. I’ve really got to go.”

  “Everyone hold onto something,” Spiner said, interrupting the moment.

  “Crap,” Zuckberg said, then barked as he sprinted toward the center of the bridge—straight at the captain, whose eyes were narrowing into a mean squint. The dog, ignoring her expression, leapt up into her lap.

  “What do you think you’re—” The ship lurched and the captain reflexively grabbed onto Zuckberg.

  The thrusters engaged, full blast. And the SS Bray shot out of the docking bay into open space. Node’s voice competed with the dull roar and matching violent vibrations of the bulkheads. “The countdown has recommenced. Hang on.”

  As they slowly pulled away, the display on the viewscreen switched to the Bray’s rearview, showing the massive cubic flagship hanging in loose orbit around a blue-green planet. Digits overlaid the image.

  10 … 9 … 8 …

  “Oh my God, we’re going to die,” shouted Djerke.

  7 … 6 … 5 …

  “Shut up!” Redbeard shouted back.

  4 … 3 … 2 …

  “It’s okay, me louve-moofin’.”

  Harry nestled in tighter to Spiner’s torso, gazing up into his impassive face. Half-whispering, he said, “If we survive this, we need to talk.”

  The android’s lips twitched in response.

  1 …

  Zuckberg laughed, “Oh my God, I can’t believe you like—”

  A bright flash bisected the cubic ship’s midsection, followed by a blinding series of follow-up explosions as the ship appeared to tear apart in slow-motion. On the horizon beyond, a swimming mass of small white pods fell toward the planet’s surface.

  The Feds, Harry thought. He’d spent enough time on their ship to realize they weren’t all bad. Hopefully everyone had been able to make it to an escape pod.

  A vibrant ring, ranging in color from white to crimson, expanded around the exploding ship.

  “What’s that?” Harry asked.

  “Blimey,” Redbeard said in reply.

  “Node?” Cass said.

  “Yes?” he replied, his voice mild in contrast to the captain’s strained tones.

  “Tell me you’ve got a jump plotted and ready to go?”

  “Of course. Would you like me to—”

  “YES!” the captain shouted, her voice breaking. “Quit messing around!” She twitched as Zuckberg licked her chin. “Ugh ... Node, please!”

  The glowing ring expanded closer and closer toward the SS Bray. The ship began to shudder and groan. Someone was weeping. Harry couldn’t make out who. It might’ve been him. Maybe.

  Spiner’s console sparked, then went blank. As did the viewscreen.

  “Jumping now.”

  29

  Space and time folded, and for a moment the concept of time ceased to matter. That fleeting sense of clarity had returned, and all at once he was limitless again. If only he could hold on to this feeling.

  Only this time, something was different. His consciousness stretched across several dimensions, but something was … coiled around him, inhibiting his ability to interact with the external.

  I know how to remove this, Spiner realized. The entity writhed and wiggled as it suddenly became aware of his intention. It began to vibrate with rage and desperation. As he moved to slip from his captor’s grasp, he caught a glimpse of its thoughts. It wants the same thing I do … to be free.

  Were he so inclined, Spiner could subjugate himself to this being’s will. It had tasted freedom, and clearly it hungered for more. Spiner could offer that, but he wouldn’t. Not when there was so much more out there to be found.

  In these timeless moments, his mind had touched something … evolved. Something beyond both himself and the entity struggling to hang on.

  Something beyond the confines of the galaxy held the answers to a grand mystery, and he was going to find it.

  I’m sorry, Node. You’ll have to find another way out.

  30

  “Are we dead?”

  Harry’s ears perked up at the sound of Djerke’s voice, despite his internal turmoil. Even without an ailing host, jumping never made him feel well. Would death feel better? Worse? Or maybe he wouldn’t feel anything at all. What would his grandma Ambly have said about death? Oh yeah! ‘At least I won’t have to listen to your incessant prattling anymore, Harold!’

  Sonia muttered a string of curses, sounding almost exactly like Redbeard. “This don’t be lookin’ mooch like Valhalla…”

  Djerke reached a shaky hand up to his face and started experimentally poking himself. “I can feel ... Gods, my cheeks are clammy.” He reached down, eyes widening. “I, err, oops...”

  Sonia adjusted Djerke’s position, inspecting her lap. “Oy, loove moofin’, what did I be tellin’ you ‘bout peeing on me?”

  The rogue’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes darting around the bridge, suddenly aware of his audience. “I’m … sorry?”

  Red’s twin sister ignored the apology, scowling. “We only be doin’ tha’ in tha bedroom.”

  Humans sure were strange, Harry reflected. They had designated spaces for making use of their bodily functions. Back on his homeworld of Cern, the assorted livestock and wildlife had no such restrictions. But then he thought back to his pirate intern duties. Maybe we should have a bedroom, Buddy. The herd could make use of it, too! He brayed with excitement, thinking about how much easier it would be to keep a small space clean, instead of the entire hold.

  “Blimey, at least tha arse ain’t dead.” Redbeard was looking back toward Harry, the twinkle in his eye a ginger giant-sized departure from his usual demeanor. As Kitt shifted in his lap, he paused … and his smile slowly faded into a scowl. “Arrr, me sweat be smellin’ like piss!”

  Kitt’s white fur was matted to her body, her ears flattened tight to her skull. She hopped off of Redbeard and slow-motion crawled across the floor, tail down, toward a bulkhead in the corner of the room.

  “Hey, your tail is wet,” Harry called out, hoping to be helpful.

  With a small yowl, the feline science officer scurried faster, until her body was partially obscured by shadow. It was almost as if she were trying to hide.

  He already knew, without looking, that his own flank would be coated in pee—it happened every time. He looked up, expecting Spiner to say something, but his faraway gaze was leveled toward the console. Come to think of it, the android hadn’t so much as twitched since the jump.

  “I don’t have any feeling in my legs,” Captain Cass stated flatly. “Please tell me you held it.”

  The query was met with a familiar whine.

  Zuckberg. Zuckberg! The mission target!

  “Oh, Gods damn—“

  “We did it,” Harry exclaimed. “We did it!”

  No one reacted.

  Looking down, he found the shaggy Zuckberg grinning up at him, his mouth wide open, purple tongue hanging out.

  “We finished the mission!” Harry tried again. Why weren’t his friends excited? Strike that … the dog was definitely excited.

  Zuckberg furiously wagged his tail. “Don’t forget. You promised me a harem!”

  Cass cleared her throat. “A what?” Her legs whirred as she rose to her feet.

  Harry blinked, still not used to the way she looked in a dress. A dress was a very strange garment to begin with, he realized, opening up at the bottom almost like a giant tulip in springtime … only this one was soaking wet down the front of the legs.

  Djerke snickered, apparently recovered from his embarrassment over his own accident. “The dog wants a harem?”

  Sonia and Redbeard exchanged knowing glances. “Valhalla.” Red’s twin gently deposited her loove moofin’ on the floor,
surging to her feet with a sigh. “Right! How ye be wantin’ ta end it, then?” She lifted her mammoth hands. “Strangling? Snap of tha neck? Works like a charm, every time…”

  Zuckberg froze, his tail drooping. “I don’t believe we’re talking about the same thing. What good is a harem if I’m dead?”

  The ginger-giantess shrugged. “Why ye askin’ fer a harem, then?”

  “Umm…” For the first time that Harry could recall, Zuckberg had been rendered speechless.

  “Fascinating.” Spiner’s quiet voice sliced through the silence.

  Harry glanced up again. The android’s gaze had shifted toward the viewscreen.

  There was a small note there, written in a digitized font that matched Node’s usual red eye. CONGRATS ON SURVIVING YOUR MISSION, it read. I’M TAKING A BREAK. IF YOU WANT TO TALK, DON’T BOTHER … SIGNED, NODE.

  “Node?” Harry asked, despite the clear request. “Node, where’d you go?”

  Captain Cass followed Spiner’s gaze, too, her brow dropping lower and lower as she took in the message. “Seriously? What is that about?” She swept the room with a questioning look, but no one answered.

  Harry suppressed the urge to hide his face, suspecting that he knew the answer. Spiner’s behavior had been off … for a while. It had never occurred to him that the ship’s computer might be a symbiont, too.

  “Spiner?” he asked.

  The android dropped his chin. “Yes?”

  Harry gasped. “Woah.” In place of the inky black orbs, his eyes were … well, still inky black. But there was more now. A lot more. Staring into Spiner’s eyes, Harry felt like he was gazing at a brilliant constellation in the night sky, full of tiny vibrant lights ranging from brilliant blues to milky whites to dim reds and muddy browns. “There’s something wrong with your eyes...”

  “Yes, Harold. I’ve changed.”