When I say acceptance, I mean bearing witness to what is true about yourself and your life—even the messy, painful, embarrassing parts—so you can respond to that reality. Acceptance is about being brave enough to look at who you are and not turning away or immediately looking for a fix when you don’t like what you see. It’s not about settling; after all, you may still want to make significant changes that will ultimately make your life better. It’s about grace—offering yourself compassion and mercy, even if you’re not totally convinced you deserve it.
If you don’t know yourself, you can’t accept yourself . . . and if you don’t accept yourself and your own limitations, you can’t truly show up for yourself or anyone else.
So, let’s begin.
During this getting-to-know-yourself process, consider starting a journal expressly devoted to, well, you, and to the things about you that seem unchanging, significant, and close to your heart. That could include answers to some of the questions in this chapter; compliments or kind words you want to remember; prayers, meditations, or mantras that move you; things you like about yourself; and your go-to self-care ideas. Think of it as an encyclopedia of you, a little scrapbook of the soul. It’s a simple way to document what’s in your heart and to stay grounded when the world around you feels out of control. When you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, you can return to this notebook and remember that you are still here, and you are enough.
Your Values
If you’re not a fancy private school or a bland corporate website, you might find the idea of listing your core values to be a bit formal. But I’m going to encourage you to do it anyway! Our values are incredibly important to who we are; they inform our priorities and decisions, guide our behaviors, and shape our relationships. And yet, I’m pretty sure most of us could rattle off a few years’ worth of inane celebrity gossip faster than we could name our personal values, probably because most of us just don’t think about our values all that much. Sure, they are in our brains, vaguely, up there somewhere.
But making decisions without a working knowledge of your own values is a bit of a fool’s errand! As I write this, it’s 10:00 am and I’ve already had to make a lot of choices. I had to decide whether to hit snooze, what to have for breakfast, what clothes to wear, whether and how to respond to several text messages, if I should have more coffee, whether I should check my email, and whether to do the crossword, open Twitter, pick up the novel I’ve been reading, or just start working. And that’s not counting any of the decisions I made about the work itself!
Sure, some of these choices might feel fairly low-stakes, but even the smallest ones have an effect on my mood, my energy, my relationships, my health, and my livelihood—and are rooted in my values in some way. So many of our decisions are related to how we’ll spend our most valuable resources: our time, money, and energy. (More about these later! See Chapter 2.)
Here are some of the everyday decisions that are typically tied to your values.
How you get to school/work
The foods you eat
The clothes you buy and wear
Who you spend time with (friends, family, coworkers)
How much time you spend with them
How much time you spend on your phone and what specifically you’re doing on it
And it’s not like you can simply opt out of the values–decisions connection; if your choices aren’t rooted in your values, it just means that someone else’s values will dictate what you do.
So take a little time (either right now or, say, in the next couple of days) to think about your values, with the goal of identifying five to ten that you feel represent you. If you’re not sure what your values are, here is a short list of values that may or may not resonate with you to use as a jumping-off point. (And if none of these seems to be quite right, a quick Google search will turn up lists with hundreds of highly specific and very inspiring ideas.)
Acceptance Faith Knowledge
Achievement Fame Obedience
Adventure Family Open-mindedness
Advocacy Financial security Popularity
Confidence Friendships Positivity
Community Hard work Power
Compassion Health Resilience
Dependability Honesty Self-control
Environmentalism Humor/fun Self-expression
Fairness Independence Tradition
If you’re wondering, mine are curiosity, intelligence, generosity, sincerity, service, dignity, practicality, discipline, loyalty, and justice.
Once you’ve made a list of the values that seem to really define you, spend a little time thinking about each one. What personal experiences made you value this quality or principle? How do these values currently manifest in your life? Do you feel like you’re currently embodying that value? Why or why not?
Also! Don’t overlook the values that you used to care about a lot but no longer do, or any values that you had a strong negative reaction to as you read this list; these can be quite helpful as you’re getting to know yourself. What made the value so important to you at another point in your life? What changed? How do you feel about this shift? Do you miss that value, or are you glad it’s no longer on your list?
You could also pick a few of the values you don’t identify with at all and think about the reasons someone else might have chosen those. How might those values benefit them, and the world? Whenever I spend time really considering the options I didn’t choose in a given situation—and thinking more about the motivation of the people who did—I feel better equipped to show up for others, even if we couldn’t be more different.
Your Preferences
PSA: Your likes and dislikes can change over time—and you are allowed to change your mind! It’s easy to believe your likes and dislikes as something that are established when you’re a child or a teen. You pick a favorite color at five years old and that’s it, you’re done—purple forever! And that’s often how our families treat our likes and dislikes, right? You briefly express an interest in, say, narwhals when you’re in sixth grade and now, more than a decade later, your older relatives are still clipping articles that reference narwhals out of the local newspaper and mailing them to you.
It can be difficult to revisit our likes, because the idea that they might have changed is, well . . . scary. It can make you feel like your entire identity is somehow invalid or a sham. But it’s really worthwhile to regularly pause and consider what you like. I also know most people won’t just do that unless they are explicitly asked about their preferences by some curious individual. So . . . I’m asking you! I’m the curious individual!
Below is a list of categories; for each one, write down three things you like and three things you don’t. (And yes, I think you should actually write/type/record them in some way.) Your answers can be broad (for example, you can say “sweets” are a favorite food) or specific (e.g., likes: candy bars, strawberry ice cream, brownies; dislikes: chocolate ice cream, birthday cake frosting, whipped cream). There are no real rules as long as the exercise is serving you in some way.
The reason I recommend identifying things you don’t like is because a) it can be a huge relief to admit that you dislike something, and b) it allows you to work backward and figure out what you do like. For example, if you dislike the beach, your process from there might look something like this . . .
“I dislike the beach because I hate wearing a bathing suit.”
I like my body to be mostly covered when I’m in public.
I like spaces that aren’t very crowded.
I like being in the shade.
“I dislike the beach because I hate the amount of gear I need to enjoy myself.”
I like activities that require minimal gear/equipment.
I like activities that are inexpensive.
I like activities I can walk to.
And remember: It’s OK if you used to like something but now actually don’t. It’s also OK if you one day decide you like something you origina
lly put on your “dislike” list.
Cool? Cool. Here's the list.
Colors Restaurants Sports (to play or to watch)
Weather Flavors Games/puzzles
Animals Smells Outdoor activities
Clothing Music (songs, artists, bands, genres, eras) Indoor activities
Design styles Movies Vices/guilty pleasures
Art TV shows Qualities in other people
Foods Books (specific titles, authors, genres)
Drinks Cities
Once you’re done, take a look at your list. How many of the items from the “like” side do you get to experience on a daily or weekly basis? How many things from the “dislike” side are you still putting up with? Is there anything you can do to shift that ratio a bit? It could be as simple as telling your coworkers, “I don’t like eating at this restaurant for lunch every day; I’m going to grab something else,” or as earth-shattering as telling your great-aunt that you no longer care about narwhals.
Breaking the Ice with . . . Yourself
Icebreaker questions aren’t just for getting to know your coworkers during corporate retreats; they can also help you get to know yourself better. Here are some of my favorites for self-reflection.
What was the last thing that pleasantly surprised you?
When was the last time you really wanted to scream?
What is the exact level of famous you’d want to be?
What was a trip or vacation you took that lasted too long?
What’s something about yourself that you hope will never change?
What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?
What is your favorite birthday memory?
What are you a natural at?
Your Comfort
Now let’s take this a step further and talk about what makes you feel content and comfortable and what makes you feel off or uncomfortable. The goal is to determine what arrangements or qualities allow you to experience satisfaction, relief, encouragement, and enjoyment in a given day or situation.
When you have a clear sense of what specifically makes you feel good (or bad), you can improve your self-awareness, recognize your true needs, set boundaries, and effectively respond to problems (big and small). But so many of us have been trained not to take our personal preferences and comfort seriously or to advocate for our basic needs. Sure, you can’t always optimize your life for max comfort—we do, after all, live in a society—but it’s still important to know what your preferences are. Without that baseline, you can’t possibly know how and when you’re deviating from it.
The following questions are designed to help you figure out what makes you feel most satisfied in your environment, your everyday life, and your interactions with other people. But! Don’t worry if you can’t answer them all! Don’t feel like you have to! (It’s also OK to have different answers within different contexts!) If you feel overwhelmed, remember that this is a gentle conversation between you and yourself, and your answers are just for you. By the time you’re done, you will have a working list of your preferences.
Your Everyday Life
How much do routines matter to you?
Do you prefer familiarity or trying lots of new things?
Are you a morning person or a night person?
When during the day do you feel mentally sharp?
When do you feel most creative?
When do you feel most social?
When do you most want to be alone?
Are you spontaneous or do you like to make plans far in advance?
What are (at least) three things that energize you?
What are (at least) three things that exhaust you?
What are three everyday-ish activities or parts of daily your routine that you just love and feel good about?
What is your ideal evening activity/nightly routine if you hope to get a good night’s sleep?
What are three everyday-ish activities that you hate doing or dread?
When you’re going about your day, do you like having background noise? What kind?
What activities do you like doing alone?
What activities do you prefer to do with other people?
How much does your physical appearance matter to you? What effect does your appearance have on your mood? When do you feel most attractive? Least attractive?
Your Environment
Do you prefer being indoors or outdoors? When do you crave being outside? What makes you want to be inside more?
How much does tidiness matter to you? What about cleanliness? Does the answer change if you’re talking about home versus work versus public spaces versus other people’s spaces?
What is your preferred mode of transportation?
How do you define a “crowd”? Think of a situation in your life where the crowd level felt good and right. What about an instance when a crowd felt stressful or scary?
What’s your comfort level with sounds/noises? For example, are you comfortable in a space with loud music playing? Is there a type of noise or sound that you just can’t stand?
What, if anything, is likely to make you feel physically unwell?
What everyday activities do you prefer to do IRL? Which do you prefer to do virtually or through an app?
How comfortable are you with technology? What technology do you rely on? What do you wish you relied on less?
Feelings, Emotions, and Relating to Others
Do you enjoy chatting with strangers and/or new people?
Do you like physical touch? Are you a hugger?
How comfortable are you talking about feelings (your own and other people’s)?
What topics do you consider too private to discuss with casual friends? What about close friends?
How modest would you say you are?
Do you consider yourself a serious person?
What kinds of jokes/humor/pranks do you like? What kinds piss you off?
How sentimental are you? What holidays, anniversaries, or events do you care about the most?
How comfortable are you with uncertainty?
Do you consider yourself a chill person? How important is it to you to be seen as “chill”?
Do you prefer to always have a plan? And do you like to be the person who makes said plan, or would you rather someone else do it?
What kinds of rules do you care about or respect the most? What kinds of rules do you shamelessly flout?
How do you respond to other people’s expectations?
What are three things that really stress you out?
How do you respond to stress in general?
What are your preferred methods of communication? (Note: This can be different depending on who you’re talking to, but try to figure out your ideal.)
What does your ideal friend hangout look like?
What does your ideal average evening with a romantic partner look like?
Once you finish this exercise, you should have a better sense of what helps you thrive and what makes you feel kind of terrible. Are you regularly able to experience comfort and satisfaction? If not, you don’t need to overhaul your life; instead, try to sit with this knowledge and put some thought into what got you to this point.
The Four Levels of Mental Energy
I often turn to Gretchen Rubin’s four levels of mental energy to help me figure out what I want and need and should be doing with myself in a given moment. Here’s how she defines the four levels.
Level 1: Contemplative Energy—planning, deciding, creating, inhibiting (holding yourself back from saying, doing, or thinking something), setting priorities, making transitions
Level 2: Engagement Energy—talking to other people; reading or observing, using critical thinking
Level 3: Audience Energy—passively watching or listening
Level 4: Habit Energy—mindlessly executing a habitual behavior
Realizing that I can’t tackle Level 1 activities (at least not successfully) when I’m at a Level 3 was a light-bulb moment
for me. Of course, I don’t always have a choice, but even just naming the level I’m currently at makes me feel better—more in control, more realistic, and more capable.
I Endorse: Personality Tests
We’re currently living in a golden age of personality tests. (One 2018 article in The New Yorker said there are more than two thousand personality tests available on the market right now.)4 But humans were into the idea of assigning labels to people’s behavior well before the first viral BuzzFeed quiz. Early forms of astrology existed in ancient cultures,5 and Hippocrates believed that human behaviors and moods were based on our humors (our bodily fluids) and identified nine human temperaments. Love them or hate them, personality tests aren’t exactly new.
So, do personality tests “work”? I mean, it depends how you define “work.” I’ll be honest: I’m not terribly concerned with whether personality tests have been peer-reviewed (they . . . have not). It’s not that I’m anti-science; I just think that this question misses the point.
I view personality tests as a tool that helps us understand ourselves and each other a little bit better. And if that’s their purpose, then yes, I’d say they do work. (Or, at least, they can.) Taking personality tests over the years has genuinely made me more self-aware, because reading the different results has helped me name my qualities (good and bad), my needs, and my preferences, and made me realize that some of ways I act or react in certain situations aren’t actually universal. It’s so easy to tell yourself everyone does something until it’s called out as something that’s unique to you (or to a somewhat limited group of people).
The Art of Showing Up Page 2