Them Problem: They’ve reacted badly or been nasty when you (or other people) have expressed a similar want/need in the past; they are highly critical in general and tend to judge or shame people.
You Problem: You don’t know what you need; you think they’ll like you less if you’re honest about your needs; you want to be seen as perfect; they haven’t already magically guessed what it is you need, and that annoys you; you believe they’ll criticize you for your behavior, and you kiiiiinda know they’d be right.
If it’s a Them Problem, it could be time to evaluate this relationship as a whole. If it’s a You Problem, consider being more vulnerable with them. In either case, you can test the waters by being more honest about a need that is low-stakes, and one that you’re not terribly emotionally invested in. Once you’ve established that they aren’t going to dump you simply because you told them you’re hoping to get promoted at work soon, you can start sharing the needs that feel scarier.
Initiate new activities and topics of conversation.
Going outside the established routine of a friendship—by expanding your chosen activities, topics of conversation, or forms of communication—can be really scary! “We can feel nervous about intruding into each other’s lives, scared to want something they don’t,” Frientimacy author Shasta Nelson says. “This can then trigger feelings of rejection, and fears that we’re too needy.” But refusing to put ourselves out there all but ensures that the relationship will never level up.
So take a deep breath and invite your work friend to the concert you’re dying to get tickets to, ask the friend you text with a lot if they want to catch up over the phone, or ask the friend you only ever get coffee with if they’d like to go shopping with you. Even if they say no, the act of asking still matters. And while you’re at it, gently introduce new topics of conversation that go beyond the subjects you usually cover when you hang out. Dipping a toe into topics like sex, money, religion, death, and/or family drama is scary, particularly if you really like the friend and want them to like you. But realizing you can talk to a new friend about these topics is a big deal and can be incredibly affirming.
Invite your friends into your home—even if your home isn’t clean.
Allowing a person to come into your home is a very vulnerable act; doing so communicates: “I will let you see me in my most private and safe space, and I trust you not to harm me here.”34 And this is heightened when your home isn’t party-ready—when there are dishes in the sink, when your bed is unmade, and when there are piles of laundry everywhere.
Show effort.
People—particularly women—are often expected to do everything (choose outfits, make friends, get a promotion, have a clean house, raise children, have perky tits) without ever breaking a sweat. To make an effort is to admit you want or need something—that your life isn’t exactly where you want it to be. It’s difficult to do this because people aren’t always kind when they realize you’re trying really hard to do a good job or achieve a goal or be liked. But that’s exactly why it’s a good idea to make a habit of being honest about your effort in the context of vulnerability! When you show your work—and not in a humble-brag sort of way, but genuinely—you allow people to get a better sense of who you are and what you need. And you allow them to cheer you on as you try, and console you if you fail. By showing your effort, you give them the space to be honest about their efforts, too.
Go ahead and admit “This is hard for me to talk about” or “I don’t share this with many people.”
Even though it might seem obvious to you that you’re being vulnerable, it’s a good idea to be explicit about it, particularly if you’re talking to a newer friend. We all have different comfort levels when it comes to sharing personal information. For example, you might be panicking inside as you prepare to tell your friend you are starting therapy, and they might react as if it’s the most normal thing in the world—because they don’t feel embarrassed about going to therapy. When you name your struggle, you communicate that you want the other person to show up for you—something that is good for both of you. It also holds you accountable; once you admit what you’re doing to yourself, you can’t play it off as no big deal later on (or if they react badly/reject you). Also, naming your behavior can be a good gut check; it forces you to stop and ask yourself if you really want to share this information, and whether it’s appropriate to share with this particular person right now.
Be open about the things you like and love, and share your wins.
It’s worth remembering that vulnerability isn’t just being honest about the shitty stuff; it’s also about sharing the good stuff. Communicating excitement or success can be scary—like you’re a middle schooler who is about to get their chair kicked out from under them, perhaps as punishment for “bragging.” Being earnest feels way more vulnerable than being apathetic or disengaged or ironic . . . but I also can’t imagine going through life any other way. And true friends will want to hear this stuff. Sorry to be all teacher-in-an-after-school-special, but the people who judge you or mock you when you talk about things you’re clearly excited about aren’t the people you’re meant to be friends with. It’s not corny; it’s just true.
Apologize.
We’ll get more into how to apologize well in Chapter 10, but I’m mentioning it here because it’s one of the purest forms of vulnerability. If you never apologize to your friends—even after they express anger or frustration—it might be a sign that you aren’t willing to be vulnerable.
Make sure they are being vulnerable, too.
Vulnerability can’t be a one-way street; if only one of you is sharing regularly, that could be a sign that something is amiss. If you’re being vulnerable and they aren’t, it could be a Them Problem, or it could be a You Problem.
Them Problem: They struggle to open up to people; they are worried you’ll think less of them, even though you’ve never given them a reason to think that.
You Problem: You’re sharing too much, too soon; you’re misreading their interest in you or their investment in the friendship; you haven’t shown them that you’re really trustworthy; you’re actually not offering true vulnerability.
Of course, you can’t force anyone to open up to you if they don’t want to! But if you want to improve your friendships, it’s a good idea to periodically take stock and see if you appear to be on the same page, vulnerability-wise.
Beware of inauthentic authenticity.
I first came across the term “inauthentic authenticity” in Martin Lindstrom’s book Brandwashed. He talks about it in the context of retailers like Whole Foods. Think about their chalkboard signs with “messy” handwritten prices and the “rustic” wooden crates meant to invoke a roadside mom-and-pop fruit stand . . . even though the produce came from a big-ass farm hundreds of miles away. I often think about this in the context of friendships—because I’ve noticed a lot of humans exhibiting the exact same behavior. It’s incredibly frustrating to have a conversation with someone who is performing vulnerability, and doing so ultimately harms the relationship in the long run. If you find yourself “opening up” about supposedly “vulnerable” topics or “flaws” that you actually personally feel safe sharing or are relatively confident won’t change someone’s opinion of you, and you’re doing it in an attempt to seem closer to the person than you really are to get them to open up to you or to fast-track an intimate friendship, you miiiiight be doing it wrong and falling into the inauthentic authenticity trap.
Be generous in telling them how you feel about them.
“I really miss you.” “I’m worried about you.” “I appreciate you.” “Your friendship means so much to me.” “I love you.” And, as my friend Gyan has taught me, “Be specific with your compliments. Your friends deserve to know exactly why they’re important to the world.”
Chapter 8
The Art of Noticing
Being noticed feels good. Think about a time when someone remembered your favorite color; ref
erenced a joke you’d made earlier; followed up on something minor you mentioned the last time you saw them; or complimented you on a seemingly tiny detail that you put a ton of thought into. It’s thrilling, right? Being noticed can genuinely make someone’s day, foster warmth and positivity, and turn casual pals into close friends.
Noticing isn’t about obsessively reading into every little thing someone does; it’s about learning to really see people—their values, behaviors, preferences, emotions, needs, boundaries, experiences—and being able to recall what you saw. When you follow noticing with processing (the second step of showing up), you can start to pick up on patterns, which can tell you a much bigger story about a person or situation. Together, noticing and processing set the stage for naming and responding—using what you’ve gathered to honor, validate, and take action.
One of the definitions of “notice” is “to treat with attention,” which I love. It is a treat! It’s exuberant, joyful, generous curiosity, and it’s at the heart of showing up.
How to Notice Everything (Or Just . . . More Things)
Being good at noticing doesn’t mean becoming some kind of observational savant with a photographic memory. It’s mostly about knowing what to notice and making a point to notice.
Noticing starts with mindfulness.
If you want to get better at noticing, start by being fully present. Instead of getting lost in thought, aim to fully engage with what is happening in front of and around you. The goal is to be a little more aware of what you’re seeing, hearing, and feeling.
If you’re struggling to understand mindfulness, Susan David makes a suggestion in Emotional Agility that I found helpful; she recommends making sense of mindfulness by looking at its opposite: mindlessness. Mindlessness is, she writes, “the state of unawareness and autopilot. You’re not really present. Instead you’re relying too heavily on rigid rules or shopworn distinctions that haven’t been thought through.”35 Mindlessness can look like entering a room and not being able to remember why you did, forgetting someone’s name as soon as you hear it, and not being able to remember if you locked your door when you left your home a minute earlier. Mindfulness, on the other hand, means attending to what’s happening and really taking it in.
I’ve found that embracing mindfulness takes commitment and practice—and a willingness to put down your phone. Meditation, spending time in nature, and monotasking helped me the most. But from there, it’s about just doing the thing. If you want to be more mindful in your friendships, try this exercise: Aim to observe one new detail every time you hang out with a friend. It could be the shape of their nails, where they part their hair, a word they use a lot, or something about their values or preferences. (But don’t comment on what you notice! Just quietly observe.)
Know what you’re looking for.
The point of noticing is to better understand who your people are and what they need. That means being able to identify things like . . .
basic details (where they are from, when their birthday is, who the most important people in their life are)
important life experiences and things they consider core to their identity
their sense of humor
their preferences
their priorities
their values
their routines
their physical appearance
how they are likely to react in various situations
how they are feeling in a given moment
what they want or expect from other people—in general, and in specific situations.
If you think you could stand to get better at picking up on the above, here are some high-level tips to keep in mind.
Notice what people say. Sometimes, noticing is fairly easy—because people will just tell you. Make a point to notice words that explicitly tell you who they are (“I’m from Michigan,” “My birthday is in August”); what they are feeling (“I’m upset,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m stressed”); and their preferences (“No, thank you,” “I love green”). Also take note of any topics they seem to have very strong feelings about or be well-versed in. If someone perks up at the mention of musicals or has a lot to say when a certain political subject comes up, it might be because this is very much Their Thing, or because it relates to their identity in a meaningful way.
Notice how they say it. Mood and tone communicate a lot, so make sure to note how people are communicating. Flat, one-word responses (“Ugh,” “Hmm,” and “Sure”) can mean a person is not interested or enthusiastic and is trying to communicate that while still being nice. And if someone says, “I’m fine,” sarcastically, they are . . . maybe not fine?
Notice what they do. To get to know your people better, make a point to notice their daily/weekly routines—the days they work out, their preferred routes, the shows they watch without fail, their favorite way to spend a Saturday. This can reveal basic details and tastes, but also their priorities and values. For example, if they often mention commitments at their place of worship, seeing the same friends every weekend, cooking every evening, or going to the gym every morning, that gives you a sense of who and what is important to them.
Notice what they don’t say and don’t do. If a friend never drinks alcohol, swears, eats meat, or responds to texts in a timely manner, that’s very good information to have! At a basic level, it means that adding them to a group text about your upcoming “Fuck Yeah, Beer and Bacon” party is probably not going to make them feel terribly seen. But on a more serious note, if there’s a topic that people never seem to talk about, or stay quiet about when other people are enthusiastically discussing it, there may be a reason. Observing this isn’t license to pry; it’s just good to be aware of the tender spots. For example, if a friend never talks about their family, it may be because there’s a strained relationship there. So instead of, say, barraging them with questions about their Thanksgiving plans, you might go with a more low-key, “What are you up to over the long weekend?”
Notice how people look. This isn’t about creepily ogling people’s bodies; it’s about paying attention to their physical presentation. You might observe what colors/styles of clothing they are wearing, if their clothes are clean/neat/well-fitting, whether they are wearing any accessories (glasses, slip-on shoes, earrings, a wristwatch), how they’ve done their hair, or the presence/style of makeup. You don’t need to comment on it (be cool, guys!!!); it’s all just data that that may tell you a story at some point.
You don’t have to do everything on this list, and you certainly don’t have to do it for every friend, all the time. The point is just to have an idea of what noticing can look and feel like and to practice it regularly, until eventually it becomes second nature.
How to Remember Everything (Or Just . . . More Things)
Once you’ve started noticing things, you’ll need to remember them later—which might not be as hard as you think! Joshua Foer, science journalist and author of Moonwalking with Einstein—oh, and the winner of the 2006 USA Memory Championship—has said that people with the “best” memories don’t have an innate skill; they just really care about remembering information. According to Foer:
Great memories are learned. At the most basic level, we remember when we pay attention. We remember when we are deeply engaged. We remember when we are able to take a piece of information and experience, and figure out why it is meaningful to us, why it is significant, why it’s colorful, when we’re able to transform it in some way that makes sense in the light of all of the other things floating around in our minds.36
If you want to get better at storing and recalling important little details about your people, here are some practical tips to try.
Tell someone about it.
Recounting information to other people is a great study trick, and it works here, too. Obviously you shouldn’t recap your friends’ personal business to others, but repeating small details—like their spouse’s name, how many kids they have, their hometown, and so on—to your roommate or
spouse when you get home from your hangout will help you remember it.
Put their birthday and other meaningful days in their life (wedding anniversary, kids’ birthdays) on your calendar.
Don’t rely on Facebook to tell you when their birthday is; write it down somewhere!
Bonus tip: Make note of any dates that are tied to grief. If it’s a closer friend, you might want to reach out on those tough anniversaries and let them know you are thinking of them. And regardless, it’s helpful to know when those dates are approaching. You can keep an eye on your friend’s overall well-being and be ready to offer a little extra attention and support.
Borrow a cute idea from the Dutch and get a birthday calendar.
Unlike a traditional calendar, a birthday calendar doesn’t have the days of the week on it so it can be used in perpetuity. The idea is that you write important dates on it and use it year after year. Apparently you’re supposed to hang it in your bathroom, but really, any spot in your home that you frequent is probably fine. (If you search Etsy for “perpetual calendar” or “birthday calendar,” you’ll find several options.)
Utilize the “notes” section of their contact card in your phone.
This is a great spot to record details like their favorite color, the names of their seventeen nieces and nephews, birthday gifts they’d like, etc. You can also write this info in one of the thirty pretty notebooks you bought but now don’t know what to do with. An encyclopedia of friends!
Ultimately, you should find a technique that works for you; the “best” option is the one that you’ll actually use. Or perhaps the best move is simply deciding that remembering information about other people and their lives is important.
Spotting Red Flags and Warning Signs
If you’re interested in really showing up for other people, it’s worthwhile to familiarize yourself with common warning signs that a person is struggling. This is the whole point of noticing and processing—ideally, you’ll be able to identify patterns, recognize what those patterns might mean, and respond appropriately.
The Art of Showing Up Page 19