‘Where are we going?’ I asked, as I heard Ricardo’s voice on the stage introducing the next award. She looked back at me and smiled. ‘We’ll take a few publicity shots and then you can head back to your table!’
‘Publicity shots?’ I asked, but she didn’t turn back to explain.
It soon became apparent that I was being led into an area for winners – and as I approached, a man in a suit walked over to me. ‘Jessica! Congratulations!’ he said, shaking my hand with one hand and stroking his moustache with the other. ‘My name is Bob Thomas and I’m the Chief Executive of the Blog Network Awards.’ I was in such a daze, Bella, but I managed to thank him for the award, to which he replied: ‘Our pleasure. Your blog really stood out for its honesty. It’s really quite…’ He paused and continued stroking his moustache ‘… It’s really quite exceptional. So, congratulations! Now would you mind standing against this backdrop for a photo for our website and social media channels? We will tag you of course!’
Of course, I didn’t mind. I was in such a daze that he could’ve asked me to go on a murderous rampage with him and I probably would’ve agreed. I walked to the spot marked ‘X’ on the floor, as instructed, and smiled as the camera flashed. ‘Thank you!’ a voice called out from behind the camera. ‘Can I go now?’ I replied, to which Bob Thomas replied: ‘Of course!’
But just when I didn’t think the night could get any more surreal, a lady in a red suit tapped me on the shoulder. ‘Hi Jessica – and congratulations! Would you mind if I gave you my card?’ ‘Umm, no of course not!’ I replied. ‘Oh wonderful! Because my name is Dalia Simpson-Wright and I am the Marketing Executive for Beachy Waves Family Holidays. I’m looking for a blogger to review a holiday to Dubai and I wondered if you’d like to discuss it? I’ll give you time to think it over, but my details are right here at the bottom of the card!’ I must’ve been staring at her with an open mouth, because she thrust the card into my hand, smiled, and walked away. I glanced down at that card, without even seeing the words, and put one foot in front of the other to find my way back to the table.
When I wrote to you earlier that night, I told you that you’d never be far from my mind, and I meant it, Bella. As I strolled back to the table, I felt so baffled and so shocked that I deliberately turned my thoughts to you. I imagined you sleeping at home in your cot, with Granny and Grandad downstairs on the sofa. I imagined your snuffly breathing, the way your lips part into a bow when you sleep, the smell of lavender bubble bath on your skin, your cuddly bunny rabbit gripped tightly in your fist. And, as I walked back through the hall, with heads turning as my dress flashed under the bright lights, you were the very reason I managed to keep going.
I owe this award to you.
All of it.
Every word that I’ve written.
Every picture that I’ve posted.
Every time I’ve sat down at my laptop to write.
And I promise to give you the biggest hug to thank you when I wake up in the morning.
It’s all been for you, Bella.
Remember that? OK?
It’s all been for you.
Love from Mummy x
*
As Jessica walked back through the hall towards their table, her grip around the award grew tighter and tighter.
She could see Chris chatting to Wendy, his hand on the back of Jessica’s empty chair as he leant across to talk to her. To their right, Jason was chatting to Jackson and his friend Clive. Across the table, Tiggy was tapping away on her phone, while her husband was nowhere to be seen.
As Jessica approached, Chris rushed over and kissed her on the lips. ‘You bloody superstar!’ he said, picking her up off her feet and swinging her.
‘Chris!’ she said, embarrassed that he was making a scene.
‘What?’ he replied, ‘I’m allowed to be proud of my wife!’
As Jessica blushed and strolled back towards her seat, Wendy stood up to meet her. ‘Well done! Seriously, babe! Well done! Amazing! I’m so, so happy for you!’ As Jessica hugged her, Wendy whispered in her ear. ‘Your husband is as proud as punch! It’s really sweet. He absolutely adores you. And Bella!’
Jessica smiled at her, unsure how to reply. Just as she was about to sit down, there was a tap on her shoulder. She swung round to see Jackson stood behind her. ‘Well done, Jessica! Very well deserved! Can I see that award?’ Jessica passed it over and he stood it up in the palm of his hand to admire it. ‘Jeez, that’s a lot heavier than it looks! Wow. What a beauty!’
After he handed it back and Jessica sat down at the table, both his friend Clive and Jason congratulated her and she could feel her complexion turning a shade of crimson.
But across the table, Tiggy didn’t even look up from her phone.
‘I’ve ordered a bottle of champagne for the table!’ Chris announced loudly and Jessica smiled.
‘I don’t know much about blogging,’ Jackson’s friend Clive suddenly piped up loudly, ‘but I’ve heard about your blog, Jessica! And I was told by several different friends of mine that they love it, so you must be doing something right!’
‘Oh thank y—’ Jessica began, but she was interrupted by Tiggy standing up, scraping her chair back, and muttering, ‘What a crock of shit…’ under her breath as she stormed away.
Silence fell across the table as every head turned to watch her strutting across the room.
Jessica felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. Humiliating her at the baby food launch was one thing. Alluding to her in a gossipy interview was another. But embarrassing her moments afterward she won her award? Jessica felt the blood roar in her ears, willing herself to follow her. Willing herself to try and clear the air, once and for all.
‘Was it something I said?’ Clive laughed, picking up the pint of beer in front of him and sipping.
Jessica shot him a glare, snatched her clutch bag from the table in one hand and her gold award in the other, and stood up.
‘You OK, honey?’ Chris said, placing his hand on her back.
‘I’m fine,’ she said. ‘I’ll see you in a minute.’
‘Jess…’ Chris said, reaching out for her – but she was already making her way back across the hall.
Seconds later, she arrived in the bar, which was empty now, apart from two men stood over pints of beer at one of the high tables. Jessica paused for a moment to think and out of the corner of her eye, she caught a flash of white as Tiggy’s dress swept behind her as she turned towards the toilets.
She took a deep breath and carried on behind her.
As she walked through the doors to the ladies’ toilets, Jessica was met with a large powder room lined with mirrors, each framed in a row of single, bright lights – and beyond it, the toilet cubicles. One was now engaged and Jessica felt nerves flutter in her stomach as she realised it was only a matter of time before her nemesis walked out of it.
With a moment to stand still, she unzipped her clutch bag and pulled out her phone. ‘Jesus,’ she said under her breath, as she saw she had ten new messages.
Henny: ARRGGHHHHHHHHH! Chris just texted Dan who texted me! YOU ONLY BLOODY WON IT! WELL DONE BABE!!!!!!!! We have popped the champagne here! Call as soon as you can!
Deena: You bloody superstar! Well done! What time does it all finish? Fancy coming here for a glass to celebrate?
Mel: Never doubted you for a second! If you have time to pop over at the end of the night, let me know. We will wait up!
Mum: CHRIS SENT NEWS AND HEAR YOU WON! WE ARE SO HAPPY FOR YOU!
Fran: So bloody proud! Have a glass of something strong and sparkling for me please! I’ll call first thing tomorrow!
Henny: God I am a bit pissed now probably, but I wanted to say how happy I am! Can you come here? Sorry bit pissed now probably. Sorry.
Mel: Conversation has now turned to Tiggy Does Motherhood. We are all waiting for the humble congratulations post on her page. It hasn’t come yet…
Deena: Is she there? How did she react? We are dyi
ng to know!!
Mum: STAY OUT LATE IF YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE. WE ARE OK HERE. DAD NOW OPENING BOTTLE OF SOMETHING IN FRIDGE. HOPE THAT IS OK.
Mum: WE THINK WE JUST OPENED YOR BEST CHAMPERS SORRY.
Jessica smiled, but her attention was suddenly snapped back with the sound of the toilet flushing. Seconds later, the door opened and there she was, flicking her hair off her shoulder as she left the cubicle, already fixed on her own reflection in the mirror above the sinks as she walked towards them.
The conversation Jessica had had with Wendy on their night out was playing on a loop in her mind: ‘So what changed?’ she had asked. ‘I stood up to her,’ Wendy had replied.
And now it was her turn.
Jessica moved her arm slightly and silver sequins flashed brightly in the mirror. Tiggy’s eyes shot up to meet her, before snapping straight back down to the running water.
‘Hi, Tiggy,’ Jessica said calmly.
Tiggy turned off the tap and shook her hands, walking towards the paper towel dispenser. She pulled out three towels without looking up and didn’t utter a word.
Silence hung between them.
‘I’m sorry about the Mama & Me thing,’ Jessica said finally. ‘I genuinely had no idea I was replacing you. This was not some kind of campaign to usurp you.’
Tiggy moved her eyes up but stayed silent.
‘I never meant to do anything to hurt you! I just started typing up a notebook of letters I wrote to my daughter in my pyjamas one evening from my sofa, while my little girl slept upstairs. Because I loved writing. That’s all. I loved writing! I didn’t mean to step on any toes! I didn’t mean to upset anyone! I just wanted to write.’
Tiggy shook her head and laughed quietly under her breath.
‘Look, if you are not going to be adult about this and talk to me, I don’t even know why I’m bothering,’ Jessica continued. ‘I mean, I could be out there celebrating with my husband but instead I’m in here, arguing in the toilet!’
‘You call this an argument?’ Tiggy snapped back.
‘No!’ Jessica replied quickly. ‘You’re right! It isn’t! Because it takes two people to have an argument, and right now I am talking to myself!’
‘Please stand out of my way,’ Tiggy replied, rolling her eyes. ‘I’d like to go home to my children.’
‘No,’ Jessica said, surprising even herself.
‘Excuse me?’ Tiggy replied, moving towards her.
‘No.’ Jessica repeated.
‘You’re going to hold me hostage in the ladies’ toilets?’ Tiggy asked, with a laugh.
‘If I have to,’ Jessica said. She needed to clear the air tonight. She needed things to be OK between them. And if she let Tiggy push past and storm out of the toilets, that would be it. The moment would be gone. And every time Jessica attended an event or was invited to an awards ceremony in the future, she’d feel the same sense of dread at the thought of Tiggy arriving. She didn’t want that to happen. It was silly. It had to stop now. She had to clear everything up, right here in the toilets, with this award in her hand.
Jessica softened her tone. ‘I just want to sort things out. I need you to understand that I never did anything to hurt you!’
‘Please stand out of my way,’ Tiggy repeated, definitely not softening hers. ‘This is pathetic!’
‘Pathetic?’ Jessica exploded. ‘Pathetic? No, this isn’t pathetic! Pathetic is publicly humiliating me at a launch, pretending you don’t know me when you used to bloody babysit me as a child! Come on, Tiggy! You know exactly who I am! Pathetic is telling a trashy gossip website that I had an agenda to steal your place on a campaign – when the truth is that I got an email to invite me one day, accepted the next, and it was as simple as that! It’s refusing to congratulate me and then storming away from the table like a child! It’s refusing to accept my apology and then laughing at me like a bloody playground bully! I’m sorry that my success has upset you, but it was never a deliberate thing. I’ve been really lucky, I know that, but I still think I deserve this award, Tiggy. And maybe you’ll realise one day that I’m not the person you think I am!’
‘Do you want to know how I really feel, Jessica?’ Tiggy said, moving to within an inch from her face. ‘I am sick of this! I am sick of this industry. I’m sick of sharing my life, my children, my every move! I will never win! It doesn’t matter how long I do it! I will never, ever win! My face isn’t young enough! My words aren’t hard-hitting enough! My pictures aren’t unique enough! And it doesn’t matter how many years I do it, how many expensive dresses I buy hoping my name might finally be read out on that stage, or how many times I post to my followers and ask for votes! I will never win, because people like you come along and the whole world falls at their feet!’
Jessica didn’t know what to say. She looked down at the award in her hand and suddenly felt like she didn’t deserve any of it.
‘Move out of my way!’ Tiggy suddenly shouted loudly, and Jessica was so shocked that she stepped aside and let her push past her and straight out of the bathroom. As the white skirt of her dress flew behind her and the door slammed shut, Jessica stumbled backwards until she met the wall and allowed herself to sink down to the floor. And that was where she stayed, staring down at the award in her hand and replaying the conversation in her mind.
Tiggy wasn’t warm, or understanding, or kind. She had probably never read Jessica’s blog and clearly didn’t think she had a scrap of talent or deserved any of it. But maybe she was right. Maybe Jessica didn’t deserve the recognition. The Mama & Me campaign. The growing tribe of readers and followers, or the offer of a holiday in Dubai. As she sat there on the floor drowning in feelings of self-doubt, the door swung open. Jessica was relieved to look up and see Wendy standing above her.
‘What the fuck?’ she said, looking down at Jessica. ‘Are you OK? What happened? Did you talk to her?’
Jessica looked up at Wendy, who was stood with a look of horror on her face. She sighed loudly. ‘I don’t think it was ever about me,’ she said finally, tracing the engraving of her name on the award with her thumb. ‘It was always about her. I’m just a convenient person to blame it all on.’
‘Well, I know that already, Jessica,’ Wendy replied. ‘I’ve been in your shoes before, you know that! And do you know what else I know?’
‘No?’ Jessica replied, looking up at her.
‘That you should be out there celebrating, rather than sitting on the floor of the toilet! This is your night! And there is no place for bad losers! So forget her – honestly, just forget her! And let’s head back to that table and drink that expensive bottle of champagne your husband is passing round!’
‘You’re right,’ Jessica replied, taking Wendy’s hand and pulling herself up to her feet. ‘I shouldn’t even let her get to me. It’s stupid. Is Chris worried?’
‘Fuck yeah. I am the designated search party, and I was told to take my role extremely seriously and not to return empty handed!’
‘Oh shit,’ Jessica replied, just as she was hit by another wave of nausea. Forced to make a split-second decision, she ran to a cubicle, barged the door open, and promptly threw up in the toilet.
‘What’s that all about babe?’ Wendy said, as she emerged a few minutes later. ‘You hit the drink a bit too hard?’
‘I haven’t been drinking,’ Jessica replied. ‘I’ve only had a few sips! I’m not used to all this drama. My life is actually quite boring, Wendy. I can’t cope with all this.’
‘Jesus, that chat with Tiggy must’ve been bad,’ Wendy replied, looking concerned.
Jessica stared at her reflection in the mirror as she washed her hands in the sink. ‘Let’s head back to the table. Is it over? What happens now?’
‘Yep, it’s just wrapping up. The fashion blogger Lauren Reynolds won the award for “Blogger of the Year” predictably. I mean, it was never going to be a parenting blogger, was it?’ Wendy said, rolling her eyes. ‘And listen babe, our babysitter has said she’s fine to stay for a
few more hours and we were thinking about heading somewhere for a few more drinks if you fancy joining us? Maybe you can fill me in on exactly what just happened?’
Jessica paused for a moment. Saying yes would be the sociable thing to do. It was probably the professional thing to do. And she’d love to chat things over with Wendy. She knew it would make her feel a lot better about winning this award and about the words Tiggy had just spat in her face. But just as she was about to accept her invitation, an image of Henny, Mel and Deena flashed into her mind.
She could picture them sat together on Mel’s sofa, pouring glasses of champagne and waiting for Jessica to call with all the gossip. She could hear their voices. She could smell Mel’s favourite cinnamon candle burning on the mantelpiece. She could hear the radio playing quietly in the kitchen. It was all so familiar to her – unlike this ballroom filled with people she didn’t know, these shoes pinching her feet, these tummy-sucking pants squeezing her in places she really didn’t enjoy being squeezed, and these awful, brightly-lit toilets that now smelt of her own vomit.
They were her tribe.
Her gang.
Her support network.
Her people.
And they were currently only a few miles south of the river, celebrating Jessica’s win and hoping she might divert her taxi and let them see the award for themselves.
And in that instant, she knew where she needed to be.
‘You in?’ Wendy asked, with a smile.
Jessica smiled back.
‘Thanks so much for inviting me, Wendy,’ she replied. ‘But there’s somewhere that I need to be.’
21
(to be published at a later date)
Dear Bella,
I’m sorry for not writing a letter to you sooner, but it’s been a whirlwind since I won that award. I will never forget hearing my name called out, or the feeling of camera flashes blinding me as I stood on that stage, nor the look on Daddy’s face when I arrived back at the table clutching that award. It was wonderful, and surreal, and overwhelming, and crazy, all at the same time. To be honest Bella, it’s taken me a while to come back down to earth.
From Mum With Love Page 24