by A. M. Wilson
“Hey.” His tone registers the surprise written on his face. “What’re you doing here?”
I thrust the carrier forward, and Nathan relieves me of the weight. For a newborn infant, he sure gets heavy in a hurry. Unslinging the diaper bag, I set it just inside his front door.
“I’m not going to stay.” I drop my gaze to study my fur-lined boots. It’s late March, but some snow and slush remain on the ground. “I thought it’s a good time for you to have him overnight. Just one, um, to start.”
I hear, rather than see, Nathan step back and set Cedric down.
“Do you want to come inside and talk about this?” he asks softly, a vein of concern evident in his tone.
“Nope. It’ll be fine.”
“Because if you’re not ready, we don’t need to rush. I completely understand this isn’t easy.”
I roll my shoulders back and raise my chin high, lifting my gaze to his. “It’s not going to get any easier, so we might as well start now. You’re his father, and you deserve as much time with him as I do.”
“We have time to talk about this.”
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” My voice splinters on the last word, and he doesn’t miss it. Nathan doesn’t miss anything when it comes to me. I take a step back off his porch, careful not to trip.
“I packed a lot of milk in the cooler, but if you run out, just text me, and I’ll bring over more.”
My resolve cracks like a spidered windshield, and a tear drips heavily from my eye.
“Kiersten,” he calls sorrowfully.
“Don’t worry.” I plaster on a watery smile. “I won’t be alone. I’ll be okay.” The heat of acid rises up my throat, but I’m not going to tell him that. Rip the Band-Aid off, remember?
Cedric, stationary on the floor in his carrier, begins to wail.
“Take care of him,” I call through an obnoxious sob and sprint back to my car. The dam completely breaks before I even get the ignition started, and I sit in his driveway as I attempt to pull myself together. Looking up through bleary eyes, I see the two men I love the most frozen in the doorway, watching me completely break the fuck down.
I can’t stay here. I have to leave before the hysterics strand me in his driveway. Without wiping my face, I wave and hope it looks bright and cheery through the window even though I’m sure my face reflects the slow death inside me. Pulling out, I drive three blocks down and take the corner into an alley. As soon as I put the car in park, my face crumples as gut-wrenching sobs seize me.
Forty-five minutes later, my crying jag subsides. I take the backroads to Cami’s. She opens her front door before I even put the car in park, but at the look on her face, I contemplate going home. She’s a terror when riled, and I can tell she has something on her mind. She knew about my plan and even seemed on board, but I get the feeling something’s changed.
I shut my door with an unnecessary slam and stomp up her walk.
“If you’ve got something on your mind, I suggest you tuck it away for another time. Today is not the day.”
She crosses her arms, juts her hip, and takes me in from boots to red-rimmed, puffy eyes.
“Yeah, I got something on my mind, but you can come in first.” She swings her torso back, leaving just enough space to squeeze through, and shuts her door behind me.
“Got any booze?” I call and throw myself bodily onto her living room couch, grabbing a throw pillow to cover my face. Right as I’m in the middle of a deep meditative breath, the pillow is ripped away. “Hey!”
“Hey yourself. You can’t have booze, aren’t you in the middle of breastfeeding?”
“Not for the next twenty-four hours I’m not.”
“Okay. Mm-hmm. Sure.”
Cami shucks the pillow back at me and flops down on the other end of the couch.
“What’s your problem?” I sit up and throw the pillow back.
“You! You are my problem!”
“Me? What the hell did I do?” I shout back, already on edge from dropping off Cedric and the mess of mommy hormones lingering in my body. I hoped once the kid popped out that the strong emotional feelings would just drain away too. If anything, they’ve strengthened.
“Your head is stuck up your unbelievable large ass, that’s what you did!”
Law chooses that moment to walk by the entrance to the living room. His head rears back at Cami’s comment, and he turns sharply toward us. He rolls his lips between his teeth, probably to keep from laughing, and carries on his way out the front door.
Damn him.
“There’s nothing wrong with my ass,” I snap back.
“Gah!” She whacks me with the pillow. “Exactly! You know who else thinks there’s nothing wrong with your ass? I’ll give you one guess.”
“No. Nuh-uh. We aren’t going there.” I shove myself off the couch as fast as I can, which isn’t that fast. I’m still recovering from the blood loss and find myself out of breath from time to time. “I’m here today for your emotional support, which you already screwed up. I don’t need your opinion too.”
She stands with a lot more speed than I did. “Don’t be stupid. Of course, I’m here for you, which is why I think you need to take a second and talk about this with someone other than yourself.”
I stomp to her kitchen and search the tall cupboards for something to take the edge off. “What is there to talk about?”
“Stop with the runaround. Do you love Nathan or not?”
I drop down to flat feet. “What?”
“Don’t forget that I have two best friends. I love both of you equally and want the best for you, but you’re hurting him. Can’t you see that?”
“Of course, I love him.”
“I don’t mean in the way that I love him.”
I grip the edge of her countertop so hard my knuckles turn white. “Yeah, Cami. I love him.”
She nudges by me and pulls out the vodka from a lower cabinet. Huh. She must have rearranged lately. Silently, she grabs two shot glasses and sets them in front of us. “Just one each. You don’t have any tolerance left. So tell me what the problem is. Maybe I can help.”
“I keep waiting for him to wake up and realize he doesn’t need to be with me to be Cedric’s dad.”
She snorts. “That’s stupid.”
“Thanks.” I slam the shot, instantly wishing I had another to take the edge off.
Cami tosses hers back. “Well, it is. He’s been in love with you for ages now, and I think if you thought about it, you’d realize you have been too.”
“What if he doesn’t like me once he realizes I’m neurotic over Cedric’s safety, or that I sound like a screaming fox when I sing lullabies?”
“Those things don’t matter to him. I’m sure he’ll find them endearing.”
“What if he doesn’t find me attractive anymore? It’s going to take me ages to get rid of my clapper!” I nearly cry, distressed at the thought of getting naked for him with my new mommy body, complete with excess skin and torpedo milk tits.
“Your WHAT?”
I motion casually to my lower abdomen. “You know. My belly skin now hangs, and if it doesn’t go away, it’s going to spank me every time I do a jumping jack or go on a jog or get a little too into riding cowgirl.”
Cami appears to choke on her saliva. “You are too much. To address your concern, there is none, because that isn’t a real thing. Also, Nathan would still love you with eighty extra pounds.”
“You’re right. I’m the one with the problem. Loving the changes my body’s gone through is hard.”
“Girl, it’s not just you. That’s a problem for all of womankind. We have to be nice to ourselves.”
I grab a handful of my lower belly fat in both hands and squeeze it upward, dropping my head as if speaking to it, “I’m sorry to call you names. I love you, my squishy baby maker.”
“Progress,” she says wryly. “Now, can you just say the same thing to Nathan?”
“He’s my baby maker all righ
t, though not a squishy one. He’s hard… and long…”
“Kiersten, my god. You know what I meant.”
I drop my belly. “I think so?” Tears well in my eyes. “Do you think he’ll take me after all the shit I’ve put him through?”
Her emotions match mine, and she sniffles. “I think he’d take you any way he can at this point.”
Surprising her, I lunge forward and pull her into a tight hug. “Thank you. I owe you.”
“Where are you going?” she calls to my back.
“You’re hoarding all the booze! Besides, I have to convince my man to become my man.”
“How are you going to do that! We aren’t done plotting!”
“Fuck if I know, but I’ll think of something!”
I rush out of her house into the spring air, and warm sunshine appears between white fluffy clouds. The drive to my house takes a few minutes, but I almost turn the car around when I spot my driveway.
Nathan’s truck is parked near my house, and with the reflection, I can’t tell if he’s in it or waiting inside.
The thought strikes that something bad could have happened to Cedric, and I whip my car into park at the curb and race to the house.
“Whoa, whoa, slow down!” Nathan’s driver’s door flies open, and he hops out in his own race to me. “What’s happening?”
“What’s wrong?” I ask my own question, panic impeding my ability to think clearly.
“Nothing’s wrong. We missed you is all.”
A shuddered breath escapes me. “Cedric is okay?”
Nathan cups my cheek and glances back at his truck before returning his dark brown eyes to mine. “Yeah. Why don’t you head inside, and we’ll meet you there.” His statement is strong and leaves no room for argument.
I nod and stay rooted for a moment while Nathan retrieves our son from the truck. Once I lay eyes on him and verify for myself that everything is indeed perfect, I wander inside to discard my coat and boots.
Nathan enters and does the same. I have to physically restrain myself with arms crossed over my chest not to walk over and take my baby out of his car seat. I haven’t had time to come up with a plan, and it’s all shot to hell now that they’re here. Not to mention I’m now recovering from a large jolt of fear.
Once he removes Cedric from the carrier and holds him snuggly in his big strong man arms, I ask the question that’s gnawed at my brain for nearly ten minutes.
“What are you doing here?”
“I told you. We missed you.”
The walls I’ve held up with tape and glue my entire adulthood disassemble just a tad with that uttered sentence. It scares the crap out of me to think about letting him in, but I can’t see a way forward if I keep him out much longer.
My snarky side has one last attempt to save my heart. “Couldn’t handle it without me?” I paste on a smirk that falls flat in a nanosecond. “Don’t-Don’t even respond to that. I’m sorry. I’m emotional, okay?”
Nathan steps forward, but I match him with a step back. “I know. That’s why we’re here.”
I wave my hands between us. “I don’t get it.”
“Broke my damn heart to watch you bawl your eyes out in your car because you’d rather be strong and stubborn than talk to me.”
“Nathan—”
“No. Listen to me, please, baby, and listen good.”
Now my heart breaks because I know what comes next. I shoved, and he’s going to tell me enough is enough. I summon that last ounce of strength to give him the respect he deserves while he tells me to go to hell while at the same time I prepare my heart to shrivel away.
“We don’t have to make any hard decisions right now. I don’t ever want to see you like that when it comes to doing what’s best for our son. If that means I have to wait a year to have him sleep at my house, I’ll wait a year. If that means we cohabitate so I can help at night, you already know I’m up for that. Whatever form this needs to take to give our son the life he deserves, with both his parents, I’m willing to make that compromise. The question is, are you?”
My mouth drops open wide enough a fly could enter and I wouldn’t even notice. Nathan doesn’t give it any attention because he keeps going.
“I won’t guilt you into anything. You already know how I feel. I’m just trying to stress to you that I’m on board with however we need this to work.”
I thrust up a palm. “Nathan, stop.”
He rears back and snaps his mouth closed.
“It’s my turn now, okay?” I say softly and move to my boys. As I grasp Cedric beneath the arms, Nathan releases him to me. I give him a snuggle that includes a big breath to inhale his perfect clean, diapery baby scent and press him to my chest. Closing my eyes, I savor the feel of him in my arms and then walk him to his baby swing in the corner.
“I was fine holding him.”
“Shh,” I mutter to both of them and set the swing in a gliding motion.
I arrange my face in determination and square off with Nathan, delivering lines that haven’t popped into my head before now, let alone been rehearsed.
“You’re perfect.”
He watches me with quiet trepidation as I move closer.
“You’ve always been perfect. Nice Guy Nate wasn’t just some random nickname Cami and I gave you to joke around. You personify all the dreamy parts of a man, except you’re real. I don’t know when I started to notice you as more than a staple in my life, but I don’t think I can keep fighting it. I don’t want to.”
I pace as I rant, letting it all hang out like that one time at prom when the halter strings on my dress snapped, and the top fell and exposed my bare tits to the entire senior class.
“Every time I do something insanely stupid that should make you hate me, you rebound twice as strong with reassurances that everything is okay. I mean, who does that?” I throw my hands up in exasperation and keep right on going. “You knocked me up, and rather than explore any possibilities between us, I shoved you in a box, taped it shut, glued the tape, and sent you express mail across the ocean. Do you know how much time I’ve wasted?”
“Kiersten.” His voice is choked as though he’s suppressing his laughter.
“It’s not funny! Do you know Cami said I have a fat ass? Never mind, don’t answer that.”
His chuckle breaks free.
“That’s beside the point, and I happen to like my new ass. The point is that I watched you get down on one knee as a joke, and all my thoughts were about how maybe you weren’t joking and how badly I wanted to say yes.”
All laugher abruptly ceases. Neither of us smiles now.
“I would have said yes. I came up with all these rapid-fire excuses because I was mortified that I almost screamed yes to a joke.”
“Baby,” he breathes, a redness lining his eyes. I’m grateful he holds his place. I’m about to lose it, and I need to get this out.
Studying my hand, I grab the ring on my right index finger and wiggle it loose. “I haven’t taken this off. I don’t think they even removed it during my surgery.”
“What are you doing?” Dread laces his tone.
I look him dead in the eye. “This is wrong. This isn’t how this is supposed to be.” I tug the ring off and hold it up between us. “I’m making this right.”
Without losing eye contact, I shove the ring onto my left ring finger. It slides easily to the base as if it were made for that hand. I flex my fingers as they adjust to the sensation.
“Fucking marry me.”
“What?” He coughs out his surprise.
“I said it’s my turn now. You’ve been sure about us a hell of a lot longer than I have. I’m doubling down. We’ve known each other long enough to skip past the traditional dating. I love you for more than just your skills in bed and supreme sperm. I’m asking you to marry me.”
This time when he steps forward, I don’t back down. Steel reinforces my spine. He clasps both my cheeks in his gentle hands and tilts my face to his.
“You’re proposing to me?”
“Yeah.”
His eyes search mine, and I hold my resolve steady.
“You’re sure about this?”
“Absolutely—Oh!”
The word barely leaves my lips before he drags my mouth to his in a soul-baring kiss. His palms slide from my cheeks to my temples and brush the hair from my face as he tilts my head the way he wants it. His tongue prods the seam of my lips, and I open to him, meeting his tongue with my own long, sensual strokes.
Nathan pulls away first, dropping his forehead to mine with a sigh. “Yes. When do you want to get married?”
“Tomorrow?”
He chuckles and pulls me flush against him, forcing my head back, and runs a finger down my cheek.
“No big wedding?”
I shake my head. “I’m done being the center of attention. You, me, and Cedric. Cami, Law, your mom, my parents, Mimi, and Papa.”
His smile is as big and beautiful as I’ve ever seen it.
“Let’s get our marriage license tomorrow. I’m going to marry you as soon as I can.”
“Deal.”
“Hey, Kiersten?” Nathan’s voice turns soft and shy, something I’ve never heard from him in our decade of friendship.
“Yeah?”
His grip around my torso cinches tighter. “Tell me you love me again.”
Tears instantly gather in the corners of my eyes at the hope streaming from his voice.
“I love you, Nathan.”
Without further ado…
Epilogue
One Year Later
Nathan
The molecules in the air vibrate with the late summer heat. Each breath fills my lungs with humidity rather than the cleansing air that I require. It’s no matter, as I don’t plan to be out here for long. The setting sun glints off the silver band on my left hand as I lower my ass to the wooden planks of the Swinging Bridge. My head grazes the rail behind me and a quiet grunt slips free.
The neat, crisp paper crinkles beneath my fingertips. I unfold the letter. The last letter. The one written not at the advice of my therapist, but as a suggestion from my wife.
Thinking that word puts a soft smile on my face as I reread the heartfelt words I wrote just last night.