CHAPTER IV.
Is there any Mocha stone, fortification agate, or Scotch pebble, withhalf the veins and mottlings, angles, flux and reflux, that chequer oneminute of the human mind? Was ever machine invented to throw so manyshuttles?
At present I am gauged for little threads of thought--two minutes since,the smallest thing I could think of was myself. Now it is the largest.Must I grope from room to room, shall I never be sure where the tableis, where my teacup stands; never read, or write, or draw; never tellwhen my hands are clean, except by smelling soap; never know (thoughsmall the difference) how my dress becomes me, or when my hair is right;never see my own sad face, in which I have been fool enough to glory,never--and this is worst of all--never catch another's smile?
Here am I, a full-grown girl, full of maiden's thoughts and wonderings,knowing well that I am shaped so but to be a link in life; must I neverthink of loving or of being loved, except with love like Isola's; sweetaffection, very sweet; but white sugar only?
When my work is over, and my object gained, when my father's spiritknows the wrong redeemed, as a child I used to think I would lay me downand die. But since I came to woman's fulness, since I ceased to look atmen and they began to look at me, some soft change, I know not what, hascome across my dream.
Is my purpose altered? Is my tenor broken? Not a whit of either.Rather are they stronger set and better led, as my heart and brainenlarge. Yet I see beyond it all, a thing I never used to see, a glowabove the peaks of hate, a possibility of home. "Saw" I should havesaid, for now what have I to do with seeing?
On the fourteenth morning, I had given up all hope. They told me it wasbright and sunny; for I always asked about the weather, and felt mostcruelly depressed upon a sunny day. By this time I had learned to dresswithout Mrs. Shelfer's aid. Still, from force of habit I went to theglass to do my hair, and still drew back, as far as was allowed, thewindow curtain.
Off with my wet bandage, I am sick of it; let me try no longer to deludemyself.
Suddenly a gleam of light, I am sure of it; faint indeed, and like aWill of the Wisp; but I am quite sure it was a gleam of light. I gonearer the window and try again. No, there is no more for the present,it was the sudden change produced it. Never mind; I know what I haveseen, a thing that came and cheated me in dreams; this time it has notcheated me; it was a genuine twinkle of the sun.
I can do nothing more. I cannot put another stitch upon me. I amthrilling with the sun, like Memnon. I fall upon my knees, and thankthe Father of light.
When the Doctor came that day, and looked into my eyes, he saw a decidedchange.
"Miss Valence, the crisis is over. With all my heart I congratulateyou. Another fortnight, and you will see better than ever."
I laughed, and wept, and, blind as I was, could hardly keep fromdancing. Then I wanted to kiss the Doctor, but hearing Mrs. Shelfer'sstep, made a reckless jump and had it out upon her.
"Bless me, why bless me, my good soul, if I was a young gentleman now--"
"Why, Miss Valence, I am perfectly astonished," said Doctor Franks, butI knew he was laughing; "if I had been requested, only two minutes ago,to pick out the most self-possessed, equable, and courageous young ladyin London, I should have said, 'I don't want any looking, I know whereto find her,' but now, upon my word--"
"If you are asked to point out the most delighted, grateful, and happygirl in London, you know where to come for her. Let me kiss you, Dr.Franks, only once. I won't rob your daughters. It is to you I owe itall."
"No, to Providence, and yourself, and an uncommonly good conjunctiva.Now be prudent, my dear child; a little ecstasy must be forgiven; butdon't imperil your cure by over-excitement. It is, as I hoped it wouldbe, a case of epiphytic sloughing" (I think that was what he said), "andit may become chronic if precipitated. The longer and more thorough theprocess, the less chance of recurrence."
"Oh I am satisfied with one eye, or half an eye. Can you promise methat?"
"If you will only follow my directions, I can promise you both eyes,more brilliant than ever; and Mrs. Shelfer says they were wonderfullybright. But what I order must be done. Slow and sure."
He gave me short directions, all upon the same principle, that ofgraduation.
"And now, Miss Valence, good-bye. Henceforth I visit you only as afriend; in which I know you will indulge me, from the interest I feel inthe case, and in yourself. Mrs. Shelfer's wonderful young lady may beadmitted on Thursday; but don't let her look at your eyes. Girls arealways inquisitive. If there is any young gentleman, lucky enough toexplain your strange anxiety to see, you will make short work of him,when your sight returns. Your eyes will be the most brilliant inLondon; which is saying a great deal. But I fear he will hardly knowyou, till your lashes grow; and all your face and expression are alteredfor the time."
"One thing will never alter, though it can find no expression, mygratitude to you."
"That is very pretty of you, my dear child. You kissed me just now.Now let me kiss you."
He touched my forehead and was gone. He was the first true gentleman Ihad met with, since the loss of Farmer Huxtable.
Clara Vaughan, Volume 2 (of 3) Page 6