I lose track of time, standing there on the edge of the world, Alex and I wrapped around each other and moving as one. It feels like we’re a fixture, a feature of this beach. Maybe this is where we belong. Maybe this is where we’ll always be.
My head is cloudy with lust and exhaustion, and I don’t want him to stop. I hope he never stops, but my knees are weak, and my legs are shaking, and it’s all just been too much, too good—
He stops.
I moan softly. “No…”
“Come here.” His voice is suddenly gentle, much more gentle than it’s been since we began. He slips his arms under my shoulders and lifts me upright, turning me to face him. “Erica.”
“Why did you stop?”
“I didn’t want to.” He rests his fingers on my upper arm, and I’m surprised to find that it hurts. “You must have scratched it on the rock,” he says, looking pained. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I don’t mind it.”
He scoops me off my feet and into his arms. “Let’s go inside,” he says, striding off toward the cottage.
“I didn’t want to stop, though,” I protest.
“Oh, believe me, I’m not done with you yet.”
“Is that a promise?”
His only answer is a feral grin.
Alex is as good as his word. When we get back to the cottage, he insists on washing my cut, arguing that it could get infected. No sooner has he applied a Band-Aid, he’s stripping out of his pants.
I can see immediately that I don’t have to worry about him neglecting me. His self-control is positively masterful, but he’s as wildly turned on as I am, and there’s no way our lovemaking is done.
The bed is laid with the softest sheets I’ve ever felt in my life. Alex lays me down and moves on top of me, his warm brown eyes roving over my body.
“You’re perfect,” he whispers, lifting a hand to trace from my shoulder over my torso and down to my hip. He pauses for a moment on my stomach, feeling the flat expanse that we both know will swell soon enough. “Perfect,” he says again, shaking his head in what looks like wonder.
Our lovemaking is much slower now, blissfully, agonizingly slow, and again I curse Alex’s otherworldly self-control, because I just want to wrap my legs around him and pull him as close as possible.
His eyes hold mine the entire time. I feel so close to him, as if we can understand each other’s thoughts, and I know we’re both thinking the same thing: Thank God. Thank God we found each other again. This will be our life now—beautiful nights filled with each other, and days spent raising and nurturing the child we’ll soon have.
The sun dips below the horizon outside. I know we must have been at it for hours. I feel utterly pliable—Alex could do whatever he wanted right now, and I’d welcome it—and I can tell his control is finally starting to slip. He’s increasing the pace, his fingers digging into my hips, pulling me to him with every thrust, and yet we haven’t broken eye contact. At some point, my hands found their way to his upper arms, and I’m gripping his biceps.
Alex cries out, his voice sudden and loud, his body spasming forward. Just the sound of his cry is enough to cue another spike of pleasure in me, and I gasp and throw my head back, exposing my neck. Right on cue, his mouth finds that sensitive place and I feel like I’m about to explode.
And now I do wrap my legs around him, and my arms too, keeping him close, holding him against me until he’s finished, until we’re both finished. My fingers stroke slowly up and down his spine as our ragged breathing slows and steadies, until we can no longer feel the wild pounding of each other’s hearts.
He rolls away slowly, but pulls me with him, bringing me to rest my head on his shoulder. I curl my leg over his.
Neither of us says anything for a long time. It’s enough to be here, in the moment, together. It’s enough to know that the future will belong to us as a pair now.
Chapter 14
This time, the night seems to pass in the blink of an eye. The next thing I’m aware of is the sun, coming in bright off the water and through the bedroom window. I roll away from it and bury my face in Alex’s shoulder, and he stirs, his arm tightening around me.
“Good morning.”
“Hi,” he says, his voice thick with sleep.
He sits up and kicks off the blanket, stretching, highlighting all the magnificent muscles in his back. I take in the sight.
“So you’re a morning person,” I say as he gets to his feet.
“Not at all, actually,” he says with a grin. “I just find myself with an uncommon amount of energy this particular morning.”
I have to admit, I’m in the same state. I sit up and draw my knees up to my chest.
“I think I left my panties out on the beach.”
He bursts out laughing. “No objections here!”
“Yeah, well, that’s fine for you, but I only brought a dress, and if a gust of wind comes along, Avaran is going to get a free show. Can you take me back to my hotel?”
“Do you want to go right now?” he asks.
“No, of course I don’t,” I say. “I don’t want to go ever, Alex. But…” I study my fingers. “I came out here to tell you about the baby, and now that I’ve done that, I have to get back home.”
I can’t look at him for a long moment. When I do, he’s staring at me as if I’ve sucker punched him.
“You’re going home?” he says. “Already? You just got here. I thought you’d want to see the city. I was going to introduce you to my family. And don’t you want to take a tour of the palace? This is the country your child is going to rule, Erica.”
There’s a thought I can’t quite get my head around yet.
“I know that,” I say. “I get it. But I’m in the middle of a film shoot right now. They’re waiting for me. And once it comes out that I’m pregnant, I’m not going to be able to get any more work for a while. Not until after the baby comes, not until after I get my figure back.”
“What about Royal Blue?” Alex asks.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I’ll have to talk to the producers. But my responsibility right now is to finish the project I’m on, so I have to go back to LA.”
“I can’t believe it,” he says quietly. “I never thought I would lose you again so soon.”
I stand up and cross the room, embracing him, letting myself be held.
“We’re not losing each other,” I say. “We’ll see each other again soon. And it won’t be like before, either.” I grab his phone off the nightstand and punch in my number. “There. Now you can call me. We can talk to each other every night if we want to. It won’t be like it was before.”
“It won’t be like seeing you every day, either,” Alex says, his voice filled with regret. “It won’t be like having you in my arms, and in my bed.”
“Soon,” I breathe. I close my eyes and press my forehead to the hard heat of his chest. “Soon it will be like that all the time.”
“I’ll drive you back to your hotel,” he says. “And the airport after that?”
“No,” I tell him. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you like that, half in and half out of a car on the side of the road with everyone around us honking and baggage handlers giving us dirty looks. We’ll say goodbye at the hotel, where we can do it in private. Besides, we don’t want to be photographed together until you’ve had a chance to talk to your family and your parliament. We should be the ones to share our news, not some tabloid journalist.”
He nods “You’re right. That makes sense. But…that means I have to ask you to do something difficult.”
“I expected it,” I assure him.
“I have to ask you to keep the pregnancy a secret,” he says. “Just for now. Just until the time is right for us to go public.”
“I completely understand that,” I say. “I’m a public figure, too. I’ll have to discuss with my agent what the best way to go public is. But I’ll include you in that discussion. We’ll decide together.”
/> “You can keep it quiet?” he asks.
“It won’t be a problem,” I say. “Trust me. I have a lot of experience with protecting my private life from the public eye.”
“I can believe that,” he agrees. “All right. But before we go, will you at least allow me to make you some breakfast?”
“I think I can allow that,” I say with a grin.
Alex makes crepes and brings them to me in bed. Before he joins me, he throws open the curtains so that I can look out at the beach and the ocean waves rolling in beyond.
“It really is a beautiful place,” I say. “It feels fit for royalty.”
He nods. “My great-grandfather had it designed when he sat on the throne. He always regretted the fact that the palace had to be in the city. My father feels differently—he says it’s important for us to be close to the people, and that if we isolated ourselves on the coast, we couldn’t appreciate the needs of those we ruled. But it is nice to have somewhere to get away to. It’s one of the perks of royal life that makes me feel a little guilty, but that I can’t help enjoying.”
“I know what you mean,” I agree.
“At least you have a job,” he says. “You work hard for your status.”
“Ruling a country is much more of a job than what I do,” I object.
“But I don’t do that yet,” he points out. “Until my father passes the throne to me, I’m basically in school. I accompany him to meetings and meet with heads of state, but it’s all just training for the role I’ll have someday. And yet, all my life I’ve been treated like I’m important.”
“You are important,” I tell him, resting a hand on his.
He smiles and leans his head into mine, our temples meeting.
“I can’t believe I’m here with the star of Royal Blue. Who would have thought?”
“Who would have thought I’d be here with a prince?” I counter. I can’t keep myself from laughing. “We’re ridiculous. Do you actually think I’m a bigger deal than you are?”
“In some ways you are,” he says. “And, of course, you’re a much bigger deal to me. I feel like I’ve been looking for you all my life.”
“You’re so sweet.” I kiss him on the lips. “When will we see each other again? Will you come to LA?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I would like to. But I won’t be able to do it until I speak to Parliament, and to my family. Maybe not even then. It’s possible they’ll insist that their meeting you be the next step we follow.”
He meets my eyes. “Please don’t take offense, Erica, but they are going to want to know who you are. They’ll want to make sure I’m not being taken in by someone with bad intentions.”
“You mean someone who wants to hurt Avaran?” I ask. “I’d never do that.”
“I know you wouldn’t. I’m not suggesting you would. And the idea is offensive to both of us. That I could be fooled like that.” He shakes his head. “Still, Parliament won’t allow anyone close to the throne without a review. So you’ll have to come back here at some point and prove your integrity.”
“At some point I won’t be able to travel, though,” I say. “I’ll be too pregnant to fly. We need to answer some questions before that time comes. Like, where are we going to have the baby? Here or in LA?”
“I assume here,” he says slowly. “It’s important that my child have Avaranian citizenship.”
I want my parents to be around when my child is born, but I have to admit, Alex’s point makes sense.
“Well, if that’s the case, we’ll have to figure out when I’m coming here to give birth, and where I’m going to be. And then…there’s the issue of living arrangements after the baby comes, and where we’re going to be…I know this is a lot, and we don’t have to figure it all out right now, but there’s plenty to think through.”
“Yes, there is,” Alex agrees. He’s not smiling anymore.
He drives me back to my hotel after breakfast and kisses me goodbye, but it feels like the trip has already come to an end. There’s a distance between us now, wedged in by the worry about the decisions we need to make together.
The future is no longer a clear blue sky where everything is going to work out perfectly for us. At the moment, it feels more like a sea that looks beautiful and serene but contains hidden dangers just below the surface.
Chapter 15
Three Weeks Later
My mornings have become routine, even though I’m not working right now. I roll out of bed and make my way to the full-length mirror in my bathroom, stopping along the way to start a pot of water boiling. I’m lucky in that one of the most annoying things about pregnancy has been having to vastly reduce my daily coffee intake. I feel sort of noble about the fact that I’m sacrificing my go-to energy boost for the sake of my unborn child, even though I know there are a thousand larger sacrifices to come.
In the bathroom, I shower, taking my time about it since I don’t have anywhere in particular to be today. The book I managed to order without alerting anyone to my condition has led me to expect that pregnancy will give me thicker hair, and the doctor I saw in confidence told me that my prenatal vitamins might cause my hair to become shinier than it normally is. I’ve been monitoring both factors carefully, but so far I haven’t seen any change.
I stand naked in front of the mirror and examine my body, turning first to the right and then to the left. I know I’m not visibly pregnant yet when I’m dressed, and thank God for that—I haven’t had to explain anything, answer awkward questions, or pretend I’m just putting on weight.
Standing here unclothed, though, I can see it. At least, I think I can. Maybe I’m just imagining that swelling between my hips, that place where my usually flat stomach bows out ever so slightly.
I take the tape measure I’ve been keeping here in the bathroom and wrap it around myself, checking. The number hasn’t increased yet.
I put on my underclothes, turn sideways, and snap a picture of my profile with my phone. I’ve been doing this every day, saving them up to make a slideshow so I can show Alex all the days he missed of our baby’s growth.
When I first had the idea, I felt certain it was a good one. I was sure he’d be grateful for my efforts. I was excited to be able to show it to him, so excited that I had trouble not texting him and letting him know what I was doing.
But things have changed since then.
It’s been three weeks. Three weeks since I returned home from Avaran. Three weeks of the same routine, wandering around my house, trying to keep myself busy.
And three long, lonely weeks with hardly a word at all from Alex.
What could possibly have happened? We parted on such good terms. I was sure our future held nothing but bliss, and I half expected him to call me as soon as I texted him that I’d landed safely in LA. When he didn’t call that night, I chalked it up to the time difference, did the math, and stayed awake the next night, hoping my phone would ring.
It didn’t.
It still hasn’t.
I tried to force myself to stay busy. The first week was easy enough. We were finishing up filming at Alabaster Studios. That was a bit of a mixed blessing for me personally.
On one hand, I have to admit that it’s a good thing I’m not going to be coming into work in a few more weeks, when my pregnant belly starts to show for real. It’s a good thing I won’t have to try to mislead a production team about a pregnancy. I know actresses who have done it, been discovered, and lost their contracts on the grounds that they lied. I know others who have succeeded and told me in secret how emotionally exhausting it was to cover something like that up, combined with the physical exhaustion of just being in the beginning stages of pregnancy. So I’m grateful that’s not something I have to worry about.
On the other hand, it was good to have something to do every day. I have my morning routine now—wake up, shower, measure my belly while checking myself out in the mirror. But after this, I have nothing.
I try to make sure I g
et healthy meals so my baby can be well nourished, which means I spend more time going through cookbooks and preparing things than I used to. I spend a lot of time with my pregnancy book, too, curled up on my bed or in a warm bath or out in my garden, reading up on what I can expect in the months ahead.
But my mind always drifts to Alex. Why hasn’t he called me? I was so sure he would, after the closeness between us when I went to Avaran. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind.
I was happy to go along with his request for these first few weeks. Keeping my pregnancy quiet until we had the chance to work out our own plans made sense to me too—the last thing I wanted was gossip columnists and tabloid journalists speculating about the father of my child, pairing me up in their publications with God-only-knows who, or worse, getting it right and calling Alex out publicly. I would have hated to see him humiliated like that.
But keeping quiet isn’t going to make sense for much longer. I may be done with the Alabaster Studios shoot, but I’m still a famous face. Everywhere I go, my picture is taken. Every picture that’s taken is analyzed by the gossips. They notice if I’m wearing sunglasses—maybe it means I’m hungover—or if I’m not wearing makeup. And if I start to become visibly pregnant, or even to wear baggier clothes, it’s not going to go unseen.
I need to announce this pregnancy myself before I lose the opportunity to control the story. But I can’t do that until I speak to Alex and get his consent. And I can’t do that until he calls me.
We’ve texted a few times, back and forth, but nothing of substance has been said. And I’m clever enough to read the signs. Always, I am the one to initiate conversation. His answers are quick and direct, but always short. There are no terms of endearment and no indication that he misses me at all. We might as well be business partners, for all the warmth he shows me. I haven’t dared to bring up the question of what the future holds for us. With the way he’s acting right now, I’m not sure I want to hear the answer.
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