"Unfortunately, I do, Mira." I scooted closer to her when she gave my hand a squeeze. She rested her head on the sofa and her tears dripped onto the cushion. I controlled my breathing, keeping a handle on my own emotions while allowing her time.
"And I hate him for it. He knew I would find him. He knew it would be me." Her voice cracked, but she didn't cry openly. "He made sure to horrify me as his last gesture on this earth, when I thought he loved me." She grew quiet after that, but remained frozen in place beside me, her breathing erratic.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, watching the pain in my new friend's expression. "Did he have a mental illness?"
"In retrospect, yes. I didn't know at the time. He started taking antidepressants around the time things got better, but then…" She shrugged, blinking away her tears. "Made him worse."
"To me, Mira, it doesn't sound like you hate him. It sounds like you hate what happened to him and what that did to you."
"Yeah. I do hate that," she said, sniffling with it.
"I can understand that." My voice remained soft and she seemed to respond to my calmness. "Did he leave a note?"
"An email. Said he was sorry," she said, using her sleeve to dab at her cheeks. "Just 'I'm sorry' with nothing else. I wish he'd have said more."
"I'm sorry that happened to you and to him."
"Thanks." She sniffled and composed herself rather quickly. "I don't know why I wanted you to know that. No one else does except my family."
"It matters to you."
"Yeah." She glanced to the portrait again. "If I didn't invite you here, I'm not sure I would've told you. I should've hidden that picture, but I remembered what you said about authenticity."
"You don't owe me any stories, Mira. I came out to you because it was important to me to live as I am and not hide any of myself. Hiding is painful," I said, gripping her hand tighter.
She nodded, her glassy eyes lingering on mine for a while in silence. Her tears subsided, though never once did she make a sound when she cried. I wondered how practiced she was at stoicism. She cleared her throat and released my hand at the same time that she gathered the blanket between us.
"Can I get you some coffee?"
"I'm good thanks," I said, watching her as she fussed about.
She picked up a few things from the coffee table and brought them into the kitchen. On her third trip back, I stood up, blocking her path as she made for the last remaining snacks on the table. Mira's gaze fell to the floor between us, but she didn't try to go around me.
"It's okay," I told her, remaining in her path. "Can I hug you?"
She nodded and sobbed once as she did. I pulled her into an embrace, and her return was a warm one. Her arms wrapped around me, and she dropped her forehead on my shoulder while I stroked her back. For some reason, her tears seemed different this time and her fingers dug into my shoulders. I gulped down my sadness for her as I often did when working with victims. Telling families their loved ones were gone wasn't something I liked, but it was something I had to do often. If anything, it taught me to control my emotions and expressions. Right now, Mira needed support and I could provide that without upsetting her more.
Sounds bustled in the hallway outside her front door, tangled with laughter. Keys jingled and her front door opened at the same time someone called out, "Mimi?"
Mira started, nearly jumping away from me as she wiped her face on her sleeves and brushed down her shirt like she'd just been caught in a compromising position. I tore my gaze away from her to see Saoirse and another woman from the soccer team scurrying down the hall. Saoirse held a large package under her arm, her expression as cheery as Maddie's until she saw us.
"Mi—oh." She stopped short, glancing between us. "Hey, Billie."
"Hey." I waved to them, in a slightly awkward Eve-like move.
"What's going on?" asked Mira, clearing her throat as she gestured toward them, a forced smile curving her red lips. She pulled it together rather quickly, though her shimmery eyes remained.
"We got the new jerseys for the game tomorrow." Saoirse glanced from us to the two wine glasses on the coffee table then back again. "Didn't mean to interrupt," she said, a wry smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
"We can always come back later," said Maddie. She wore a smile not unlike Saoirse's. For some reason, my cheeks heated along with the discomfort in how they received us.
"It's okay," said Mira, folding her arms over her middle like I'd seen her do at work. "We were just talking. What've you got?"
Saoirse set the box down on the dining room table beside the kitchen entrance and pulled out the nearly neon pink jerseys with white writing on them. The matching socks had pink ribbons on the top and said, I Heart Boobies.
I laughed when I saw them, and Saoirse grinned at me. "Like that?"
"I do. I, too, heart boobies." That made them laugh.
"We're playing a game after the breast cancer walk tomorrow and wanted to show support," said Maddie, pulling out her jersey and holding it up. The number forty-two stood out in white lettering with her name on the back.
"Here's yours." Saoirse pulled out Mira's number seventeen and handed it to her with a pair of socks. "Sorry we barged in. You're not usually…entertaining on Saturday nights." Her gaze flickered in my direction.
"I was just about to put on a pot of coffee. Do you want to join us?" Mira sidestepped the comment and headed toward the kitchen after draping her new jersey over the chair.
Maddie and Saoirse shared a glance laden with smirks and I cocked a brow at them.
"No thanks. We're good," answered Saoirse as she nudged Maddie. "We'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Billie," Maddie crooned, a smile playing on her lips. "Are you coming to the game tomorrow? I'm sure Mimi would be happy to have you."
"Um…" I glanced to Mira who leaned her shoulder against the wall between the kitchen and where we stood. "Sure. I'll go if she'll have me," I tossed right back. Mira smiled, her arms held so tightly around herself now that I worried about how these two made her feel in general.
"We'll leave you be then. C'mon." Saoirse scooped up the box again and nodded to Maddie. "Later, gators."
"Bye," Mira and I said at the same time while we watched them leave.
"Mimi?" I cocked a brow in her direction after the door shut.
"Remember the conversation we had about B.J.?" she asked and I nodded. "Same rules about Mimi."
I chuckled and followed her to the kitchen when she made for the coffee pot. "Deal."
"Saoirse lives a few doors down from here. She's used to just showing up," she explained, glancing at me while scooping coffee grounds into the filter.
"You're friends. I understand that." I handed her the carafe when she closed the lid of the coffee pot after I added the water. "Do you really want me to come to the game tomorrow?"
"I'd like you to," she said, her voice soft as she seemed to avoid looking at me.
"I'll be there. Should I wear a booby shirt to match the theme?" I jested, hoping to knock her out of whatever anxiety tangled her up at the moment.
That made her chuckle, and she turned to me while we waited for the coffee to brew. "What exactly is a booby shirt?"
"One of two things. Either a pink shirt supporting breast cancer, or a cleavage-baring inappropriately tight top that demonstrates what we're fighting for."
The playful twinkle returned to her eyes. "That decision is on you."
"Hmm. I'll see what I come up with."
We brought our coffee back to the living room, and Mira sat cross-legged on the sofa with the cup between her palms. I mirrored her position, though attempted to keep my shoes from the fabric.
"You seem very tired all of a sudden," I reflected after taking a sip.
"I am. Not used to talking about emotional things with people."
"Understandable. I'll head home after coffee so you can get some rest for the game tomorrow."
She didn't say anything to that, and
rested her head on her hand with her elbow propped on the back of the sofa.
"Mira?" I beckoned. She watched me, her eyes welling up for the briefest moment before she nodded.
"Can we watch an episode of something before you go?" she asked, breaking her stasis and grabbing the remote.
"Sure. Anything you like."
"Something about astrophysics?" She smiled when she chose a show from the Science Channel.
I chuckled, nodding along with it. "Go for it."
***
Mira began to make more sense to me, the more time I spent with her. What she shared about her fiancé broke my heart, and I could understand her anger and sadness around it. Suicide wasn't an easy thing for families to survive through without a plethora of varied emotions. I couldn't imagine what Declan was going through, but it was clear he suffered in silence until he couldn't take it anymore. The violent nature of his death, however, had me wondering if there was more to it than just a suicide. Perhaps psychosis, or substance abuse. Typical for me, questioning everything.
The soccer game took place at the community park following the annual breast cancer walk to find a cure. After decades of these events, there should be a breakthrough by now. We've cured prostate cancer though, but men's diseases take priority, as always.
I sat in the front row of the bleachers this time, my sneakers in the grass. In true spirit, I borrowed a pink T-shirt from Eleanor which was definitely not one of my normal colors. For the first time, I attended one of Mira's games alone without the comfort of a ride-along. Mira's intensity of gameplay today took on a bolder form than the last few times I saw her. She commanded attention, and when one of the women on the opposing team crashed into her, the reciprocated aggression seemed unusual. Mira tossed a shoulder that got her in trouble with the referee who flagged her with a yellow card. Saoirse ran up to her afterward and the two exchanged words that appeared mildly heated.
When the break after the first half came, Saoirse shoved Mira's shoulder and pointed toward the benches.
"Cool off," I heard her say while Mira grabbed her water bottle.
I broke the rules for fans and left my position in the bleachers to jog over to where the players gathered on the other side of the pitch. Mira paced a few feet from them, her arms resting on her sweaty head.
"Hey," I called out before coming to stop in front of her. "Mira."
"Hi." Pain wrinkled her brow when she looked at me and it struck a chord of worry in my gut.
"I have to tell you…if there's a homicide on that field today, you're going to be my first suspect. I'm not sure how I feel about that." I tapped my lip, and cocked a brow at her. It made her laugh and she lowered her arms. "What's going on?"
"I don't know," she said, still breathless as she came to stand in front of me, unusually close.
Before I could stop myself, I placed my hands on her waist. I nearly choked when I saw what I'd done, but her hands fell on top of my forearms as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
"Calm down, girl. Before you get hurt," I said, attempting to salvage the moment. "Or hurt someone else."
"I'm trying," she said, her heavy breathing slowed gradually. We hung there like that, as she gazed down between us. Her chest heaved, and the heat of her burned in front of me.
"You feel like a power plant."
"How?" Her gaze shot to mine and her brow furrowed.
"Burning too hot and about to meltdown. How do you cool down a nuclear reactor?" I tilted my head as I asked.
Mira's eyes darted all over my face as her nerdy gears began to turn. "Coolant systems, water, fuel rods. Depends on the type of reactor."
"Not boron like in Chernobyl?"
"Sometimes—how'd you know that?"
"I watched the miniseries." I laughed and she joined me in it, diffusing the tension in a heartbeat. "Pretty much everything I know is from books or television."
"It's endearing."
"I was hoping so." I smiled at her and gave her sides a gentle caress before lowering my arms. "Calm yourself down before we have a graphite fire and we all know how that ended."
"Evacuations. Radiation poisoning."
"Exactly." When we turned to head back toward the others, Saoirse, Maddie, and two other women stared at us. Saoirse's mouth hung open slightly, but Mira didn't seem to notice as she grabbed her water for a swig. "I'm…going back over there," I told her while pointing to the bleachers.
"Okay." She watched me go, and I returned to the crowded bleachers.
From across the field, I kept an eye on Mira talking to Saoirse and her other teammates until the game started again. Her aggression seemed to quell to acceptable levels at that point. Heading into the second half, neither team had any points, but with Mira's renewed focus, she scored a goal within the first two minutes.
"Hey, girl," Ciara's familiar voice dragged my attention to her as she approached. She wiggled into the spot between me and an older gentleman.
"Hi. I didn't see you here."
"Same, until you ran over there. Mom and I are here watching Saoirse." She pointed to the far end of the bleachers where an equally red-headed older woman clapped out her excitement. "Eve's at work."
"She got called in?" I asked, scrunching up my face at the thought.
"Yup. Always shitty news when she's called in on a weekend."
"Agreed. Rough game out there today." I nodded toward the field.
"I noticed," she said while we both looked on as the referee blew the whistle for whatever reason. "I also noticed you and Mira."
"We're friends." I shook my head, unwilling to entertain it any further.
Ciara held her hands up in a gesture of surrender. "I'm not questioning that. Just making an observation."
"Okay."
We sat quiet for a moment, both of us watching the game.
"We're all going to Wildrose next weekend for Eve's birthday. We'd like it if you came," she said, dragging my attention to her again.
"Is it a surprise party?"
"Nah. Eve hates surprises. Just drinks and her favorite cover band is playing. Angelina and Bentley are coming. Eve asked her this morning."
"Only if you promise not to low-key try to set me up with Alex again. I don't like her like that," I warned, returning my focus to Mira as she gained control of the ball.
"Caught on to that, did you?"
"No. Angelina told me. Don't do that again."
"I won't. Will you come anyway?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Come sit with me and Mom." Ciara nodded to the far end of the bleachers. "Watch her get all violently Irish when something happens."
I laughed and shrugged, then followed her over to join her family.
The game carried on for another thirty minutes with Mira having scored the only game point. A clap of thunder sounded at the same time the referee blew her whistle. The women hugged each other in turn with pats on the back as they headed toward the bench to gather their gear after their win. The team in blue jerseys had less bounce in their step.
The crowd in the bleachers began to scatter as rain fell from the dark clouds above us. Ciara hurried off with her mom toward their car parked in a handicapped space beside the playground. I headed over to Mira as she tossed a small drawstring backpack over her shoulders.
She blinked the raindrops from her lashes when she met my gaze, the other girls around us acting just as casual about getting soaked.
"Are you coming or not, Mimi?" Saoirse pressed, holding the game ball over her head like a terrible umbrella.
"Um…" Mira looked to me and I offered her a faint nod. "Yeah."
"Meet you all there!" Saoirse shouted over the sudden downpour.
I laughed as the group of us all broke into a run toward our prospective vehicles in the giant lot. To my surprise, I kept up with Mira despite the soggy nature of my canvas sneakers.
"I didn't drive," she called out after another clash of thunder. "I'm hoping you did."
"I
did." We cracked up as I pulled my keys from my pocket, and led her to my SUV. Our feet slapped in puddles on the pavement, until the double beep of the alarm brought a stroke of hope. She pulled open the passenger door and I tore open the driver's side, both of us nearly diving for cover.
My hair dripped down the front of my shirt as I turned over the engine.
"Seattle has terrible weather timing," she said as she buckled her seatbelt. "Thunderstorms aren't usual."
"Luckily I have some towels in the back." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Clean ones in my go bag."
"Seattle P.D. bag?"
"Yup."
While I followed the flow of traffic to escape the parking lot, Mira grabbed the towels. I tossed one over my head as we drove, then dried off at the next red light. She changed from cleats to the sneakers she had in her backpack.
It took us barely ten minutes to get to Cosmos, and we found parking on the side of the building. I toweled off my hair then grabbed the umbrella from the back seat.
"Er…Billie?"
"Yeah?"
"You're going to need to change that shirt." She chuckled and I glanced down at myself.
"Are you admitting to staring at my boobs?" I laughed as I searched my bag and pulled out a gray Seattle P.D. T-shirt.
"I mean, you can't ignore nipples when areolas are also visible through the fabric."
"Oh my God." I laughed hard and glanced around us to make sure no one was close by the car. "You're about to get an eyeful anyway." I pulled the shirt off over my head and it rolled like I'd just emerged from a pool. "Uck."
Mira pulled her hair from the ponytail and dried it off while she watched me, her eyes kept above the neckline for the most part. "At least we'll both be miserable in damp bras."
"Sports bra for you. Sticky death wrap for me." I pulled the dry shirt over my head. "Now I look ready for basic training."
"You'll fit in with the rest of us. Ready?"
"Yup."
I met her around the passenger side with the umbrella, and we headed into the restaurant. Less women joined us this time, and it ended up being Saoirse, Maddie, and another woman, Jenny, who I hadn't met personally before.
"Burgers and beers all around. You got it." The server tapped the stylus on her tablet. "And nachos for the table. Be right up."
Entanglement Page 9