"I'm happy that you came."
"I almost didn't…"
"I know." I glanced over my shoulder toward the kids then back to her. "Want to tell me why?"
"I don't want to."
"Okay." I set my mug down and moved to step in front of her, my feet on either side of hers. "You don't have to, but I'll listen when you're ready."
She nodded, and the glassiness returned to her misty eyes. "Let's have cake."
"Is it chocolate?" I smiled and wagged my brows at her. "I could go for a little decadence."
"You know it is," she said, chuckling.
When I shifted away from her, I glanced over to see Ellie standing by the kitchen table while watching us. Her brow furrowed, and she shot me a curious look as if saying, What the heck?
"Can I use your bathroom?" asked Mira after setting her coffee down on the dining room table.
"Nope. Squat in the corner." I laughed when she swatted my arm, then pointed down the hall. "Second on the right. Ignore the teenager makeup that I'm sure is still on the sink."
"Billie! It isn't." Ellie huffed and puffed, then giggled. "Okay, it is."
Mira chuckled and headed off down the hall.
I set the dish of pastries down beside the bakery box then pulled away the cardboard to reveal a luscious chocolate cake with thick ganache on top. "Yum."
"Billie." Eleanor jerked my arm so hard that I nearly lost my balance.
"What? Sheesh." I caught myself on the edge of the table and flicked her hand on my arm. "I'm a fragile old lady."
"Thirty-six is heinously old." She scowled, her brow narrowing as she leaned in closer. "Why didn't you tell us you're dating Mira?"
"What?" I nearly spit out the swig of coffee that I took. "I'm not, Ellie." I glanced over her shoulder to make sure Mira didn't hear her. "Cool it with that."
"What was that in the kitchen then?" She gestured wildly at the entryway. "The two of you."
"The two of us what? We were talking."
"I know you're into her," she muttered, grabbing my shoulders. "Don't lie."
"Eleanor, this is not the place to talk about that." Again, I stole a look down the hall. "We'll talk about it later."
"Are you dating?" she whispered, while I held on to her arms.
"Shh. No. She's straight." A lurch of anger tightened my gut. "Don't let her hear you, Eleanor. She's my friend. My only friend that isn't Angelina and I don't want to jeopardize that. So, cool it now." I winced at how momish I sounded. "Please."
"Okay." She released me and nearly jumped out of her skin when Mira's heels clicked on her way back down the hall. "But I can tell what's going on."
"Nothing is going on." I gave her a gentle shove and turned my attention to the cake. "Who wants dessert? It's fend for yourself time."
"We'll eat it," answered Daniel, waving his free hand in the air, the other gripping a controller. "Don't worry."
"I'm aware of the grocery bill, my friend." I laughed at him and it made Robbie crack up. Eleanor stole a dish of pastry and a slice of cake before bolting back to the living room. She sat sideways on the sofa, acting like a little snoop when Mira and I sat at the table.
"This cake looks amazing," I said as I plated her a slice, then one for me.
"Triple chocolate," she said, lifting her fork for a bite. "What's better than that?"
"Literally nothing." I took a heaping mouthful then dragged the fork from my lips. "Mmm. I may pledge fealty to you for bringing this cake into my castle."
Mira laughed around her fork, her eyes twinkling with my teasing. "I'll accept your fealty. I didn't know you were so easy to please."
"Chocolate is the way to my heart." I waved my fork in the air like a wand and Mira's cheeks tinged pink while she watched me, her fingers toying with the silver necklace hanging between her breasts. As soon as I noticed myself noticing that, I jerked my gaze back to my plate.
Eleanor busted out laughing which drew our attention to her. She pretended to look at the ceiling while biting into a strawberry danish. I narrowed my eyes at her, but it only made her giggle more. The guys switched videogames back to the gore fest of gun violence and zombie slaughter. Mira scrunched her nose and immediately looked away from the television.
"Don't like that, do you?" I asked and she shook her head. We'd both finished our cake by then and set down our forks. "Want to take a walk with me? There's a park outside."
"Okay." We stood together, and headed to the door. "Gentlemen, we give you thirty minutes to finish that mission before family-friendly games return to the television. Got it?"
"Yes, Mommy." Robert groaned, but Ellie sent a punch to his shoulder.
"Don't talk to her that way."
"Ow!"
I let them fight it out while I led Mira outside.
In the cool night air, the last remaining treefrogs of the season croaked in the brush surrounding the apartment complex. We walked side by side, Mira holding her arms around her middle while she focused on the sidewalk in front of us. Neither of us said anything at first, our pace leisurely under the glow of a nearly full moon.
"I'm really happy you came tonight," I said, my voice soft in the quiet of the courtyard. "If I hadn't mentioned it already."
"I'm glad I did," she said, glancing around the open area ahead of us. Playground equipment filled the patches of grass on either side of the walkway. When the pathway ran short, I took a detour toward the swing set and she followed.
"Hop on," I teased, grabbing the chains on either side of the curved seat. "I'll give you a push."
"Billie," she laughed out my name, but humored me as she sat and held on to the chains. "Not too high."
"Your feet touch the ground. You're in full control here." I chuckled and gave her a gentle push when she lifted up her legs. Her body swung in a gentle sway while I continued to push her every so often. She leaned her head on the hand that gripped the chain while I gazed at her from behind. Her hair fluttered in the breeze, leaving a trail of her sweet fragrance in its wake.
A small pop like a firecracker echoed somewhere in the distance and drew my attention away for a second. In my distraction, the swing knocked into me and I stumbled, laughing as I grabbed on to the chains before the force of it knocked me down. "Shit."
"Did you forget what you were doing?" Mira cracked up as she looked at me from over her shoulder.
"A little." I gripped the chains and used my heels to force the swing to a stop. "Are you laughing at me?" I mumbled in her ear like a creepy old man.
"Yes." And she kept on laughing, her body jolting with her amusement. I grabbed her from behind, and threatened to pull her backward. "Billie!" she squeaked, holding on to me as if her life depended on it. We both laughed hard, my cheek pressed against hers as I held her in a dangerous pose. If I let go, she would surely fall backward.
"Don't tip too far, girl. I'm not swift enough to catch you."
"Don't drop me." She turned her head, her nails digging into my arm while she held on. Her smiling lips brushed my cheek, and as if the gesture was enough to end the world, we froze together like that, her hot breath on my cheek and mine against her shoulder.
Every neuron in my body fired and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end when a wave of goosebumps coated my flesh. My core burned, stomach twisted, and I knew for sure that I was in trouble.
Only, Mira didn't pull away. Her grip on my arms steadfast as I turned my face toward hers, our noses barely an inch apart. Her gaze fell to my lips before flicking to meet mine. I gulped, and a sense of resignation poured over me like icy rain. How could I hide my feelings for her now?
It wasn't me who ended the stalemate, however. Mira pushed forward, releasing my arms and pressing her palms to her knees. She appeared as if she'd spent an hour running up and down the soccer field, hunched over trying to catch her breath.
I stood up right, reaching both hands into my hair as panic struck my chest. She'd noticed my reaction to her and now, it was done. I looke
d up at the sky, fighting the tightening in my throat that brought a wave of emotions with it.
Neither of us moved for several seconds, until I gave up and sat in the swing next to her, facing the opposite direction. She sat upright in time, her fingers wrapping around the chains again. Her expression fell, the same way it did on her sofa the night of the blackout. She slithered away, retreating into herself again.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, attempting to keep my voice from breaking. "I didn't mean to—" I didn't mean to what? Ruin our friendship? Make things awkward?
"I'm sorry," she said, as if she hadn't heard anything that came out of my mouth. "I don't understand—I don't know. I'm sorry."
"What? For what?" Her words snapped me out of my downward spiral.
"I don't want to stop being your friend." She choked on her words, covering her face with her hands as she leaned her head on the chain.
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make this awkward—I just." What? What could I say?
It took me a second to hear what she said, and my reprimand of Eleanor came back to haunt me. She's my only friend…I don't want to jeopardize that.
Everything came to a screeching halt. Mira's words about our friendship. Talking about her difficulties with intimacy…
I was a fucking idiot.
"Oh my God." The words left me on a soft exhale.
She said nothing beside me as she crumbled forward, her face pressed against her knees as she covered her head with her hands. Adrenaline rushed me with clarity, and I nearly stumbled off the swing in an effort to get to my feet. My shoes scuffed against the wood chips under us, as I crouched in front of her.
"It's okay," I said, dropping my forehead down on top of her head. My voice cracked when the swell of emotions finally broke me. "I get it. It's okay."
She sobbed once, shaking her head as her nails scratched at her forearms.
"Mira…It's okay, I promise. I understand what you were saying. I'm sorry I didn't hear you." I sniffled as tears poured down my face. My hands trembled as I attempted to pry her fingers away from her head. "Look at me, please."
Her crying picked up and she shook her head again, despite allowing me to move her hands away. I held both of them in mine, and her grip tightened as she held her breath. I wasn't sure who trembled more, me or her.
"It's okay. I'm sorry." I dropped my forehead against her head again and sniffled. "I'm sorry."
"Why do you make me feel like this?" she nearly shouted, holding my hands so tight that I could hardly move my fingers. "Why did you do this to me?"
Her words destroyed me, and I couldn't control my tears anymore than she could. "I'm sorry, Mira. I'm sorry." I fell to my knees from the crouch and we both cried now. Her words mirrored something sinister in my soul, told to me over and over in my youth. I was a corrupter, a pain-maker. My sins hurt the people I cared about. Those words never seemed real before, never had emotion attached to them until that moment. "I'm sorry," I whispered, sobbing softly against her hair. She clawed at my hands, but never let me go.
What had I done?
Chapter Eight
We must've stayed on those swings for an hour, maybe more, until the treefrogs silenced and the pit of the night swallowed us. Our cries quieted in time though my heart shattered into a million pieces. Everything was spoiled in a way neither of us wanted.
"It's my fault," I told her, my voice hoarse.
She sniffled, wiping her face on her sleeves when she looked up at me.
"I should've told you how I felt about you a long time ago." I rolled to sit on my rear in the wood chips, resting my elbows on my bent knees. "Then maybe things wouldn't have—I don't know."
"I've never felt like this," she croaked, seemingly unfazed by my declaration. "I don't understand it, Billie. I don't understand why I feel this way about you."
"I'm sorry." None of this made sense, and I couldn't process what she was telling me in a way that felt positive at that moment. I wiped my face on my shoulder. "How do you feel about me?" I asked once my brain and heart slowed down enough to formulate the burning question.
"I…" She dropped her head against her lap again. "I have feelings for you," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
"I have feelings for you, too." I sniffled and swiped at my eyes.
She looked up at me, mascara staining her cheeks, and we just stared at each other. Her entire body relaxed when she finally exposed her truth.
"I'm sorry I didn't understand what you were trying to tell me the other night, Mira." I ran my hands up and down my jeans in an effort to stop shaking. "It must've been painful."
"All of this has been. I don't understand how I feel." Her voice finally returned, and so did some of her confidence. "I've enjoyed our friendship."
"Me too." I rested my chin on my knee as I watched her. "If we both like each other, why are we still so upset?"
"I don't know." She smirked and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Maybe because I'm not gay."
"I'm not so sure about that anymore…"
"Me either." She wiped her face on her sleeves again. "I feel a little like throwing up."
"I don't think the cake will taste the same on the way up."
"Billie." She laughed slightly, then slid from the swing to kneel in front of me. "I'm scared of feeling like this."
"I'm sorry I've confused you. I didn't…mean to."
"Why didn't you tell me you liked me?" she asked, sitting cross-legged though I noticed she shivered. The dim lanterns lining the pathways in the park cast shadows across her features.
"Saoirse told me you were straight. It wouldn't have been right. And then we became friends and I didn't want to ruin that," I confessed, the burden lifting from me slowly only to be replaced with a hollow feeling.
"How long have you liked me?" She tugged at the sleeves of her sweater, pulling them over her hands.
"When did we meet? Three, four months ago or so?"
"Yeah…"
"Then three, four months or so."
She bent forward, covering her face with her hands again as she sobbed once.
"How long have you liked me?" I asked the same questions back at her.
"I don't know. It felt different on the day you came over the first time. But I knew for sure on Sunday at the game when I was upset. When you came over to me…I just." She shook her head and a sob caught in her throat. "I just wanted you to touch me like you did again. All I want you to do is touch me and I want to touch you."
"Yeah…I felt that, too." Her words validated all of my suspicion about her affection and proximity issues of late. I reached forward and ran my fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry, Mira."
"I don't know what to do." She let out a heavy breath, though didn't stop me from caressing her. It seemed to soothe her in a way.
"I don't want to stop being your friend."
"I don't want that either," she said, a long sigh escaping her. "Everything hurts." She choked on a sob. "My body, my heart, my brain."
"Yeah." I sniffled and she looked up at me, both of us soggy messes. "Can I hug you?"
Her face contorted and she began to cry again, though she nodded firmly as I moved closer to her. I pulled her into a hug and she latched on to me, both of us holding on in death grips as we cried against each others' shoulders.
Eventually, we calmed down, and she leaned back, though we didn't stop holding hands afterward. "Maybe I should go home for now," she suggested.
I didn't want her to go. Going meant losing her. It meant everything had solidified in its terrible change. "I don't want you to."
"We can't go back inside like this," she said, sniffling as she attempted to regain her composure.
"I know." I took a deep breath and let it out in a slow exhale. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. I'm responsible for my own feelings." She ran the fingers of one hand through her hair, though kept a hold on me with the other. "Come over tomorrow night?"
"Okay." I
sobbed once as relief rushed me that she didn't plan to sever ties. At least not immediately.
"Okay." She let out a shaky breath and we stood together.
"Do you have your keys?" I cleared my throat and she nodded, gesturing to her pocket. "I'll walk you to your car."
In silence, we followed the same path back toward the front of the building. Mira's car sat in one of the visitor spots. She clicked the alarm and slid into the driver's side. I closed the door for her and leaned against the window when she opened it after turning over the engine.
We stared at each other, her gaze darting all over my face as she shifted the car into gear.
"Drive safe," I told her, taking a step back.
She offered me a small smile. "Thank you for dinner," she said, turning to gaze ahead. "I like your family."
"They like you, too."
"Bye, Billie."
"Bye." I watched her pull away from the curb and waited until she was out of sight before bending over, my hands on my knees as I fought the urge to heave up a lung. I sucked in my breath, holding it until I could get a grip.
With a sense of surreality and heaviness in my heart, I headed back to the apartment. The kids remained in the living room, and I snuck down the hall, closing the bedroom door with a quiet click.
***
"What's the matter with you today?" asked Angelina as we sat together in her car after driving back to the precinct following a visit to a scene. Standard murder. Gang violence. Monday. "You haven't said more than three words."
"I don't feel well."
"What's wrong, Billie?" She reached over, gripping my shoulder, but I shrugged away from her.
"I just don't feel well."
"Look at me," she demanded, and I did so. "Want me to take you home?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
I glanced at the clock and noted that it was after two. I had no idea how long we were at the scene, or much of what I was supposed to be looking for anyway. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I saw a text from Mira appear. It read, Cancelled my classes today.
Are you okay? I asked, my heart pounding in an instant.
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