She didn't say anything while tying on her other shoe. When she was through, she lowered her leg then leaned her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her, and pressed my lips to her temple.
"Can you take some time off from work this week?" I asked.
"Maybe toward the end."
"Okay. When Stella comes back in here, tell her the truth, Mira. Remember our talk about being authentic? If she can help…"
"I think I was wrong about something," she began, sitting up as she pulled her messy hair back into a ponytail.
"About what?"
"Quantum entanglement." She drew a deep breath then let it out slowly. "It might not necessarily involve subatomic particles, but I was wrong. We did change each other's quantum state, Billie. We met each other and everything is different. Nothing is the same." A sniffle left her and she met my gaze, her sea-green eyes dim and sad. "My life is unrecognizable now. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. And no matter if we're in the same bed, or a hundred miles away from each other, all I can think about is you. We're entangled like a system and it hurts sometimes."
"I know." I held my breath to keep myself from joining her tears. "I feel that, too."
"All I want to do is be with you, and when I am things are so good, but everything else feels chaotic and different. Then when I'm not with you, I feel chaotic and different. What are we supposed to do?" She leaned her forehead against mine, closing her eyes as she cried softly. "I've never felt like this. Ever."
"I'm sorry, Mira. I am. Sometimes I wish I had never caused you any of this pain. Like I should've stayed away from you from the beginning." I shook my head while wringing my hands in my lap.
"Don't say that. I don't regret any of it. I'm just…used to understanding everything. Equations. Logic. Physics." She let out a heavy sigh. "But I don't understand this. How I feel."
"You remember when you said that in order to understand quantum physics you had to suspend belief of everything you've ever known in order to form even a basic understanding?" I leaned forward to rest my elbows on my knees while I turned to gaze at her. My heart pounded, fear raged, and Eve's words struck an echo of worry in my soul.
"Yes," she said, nodding. "Quantum physics can defy logic and everything we understand about the classical world."
"Mira, emotions aren't quantifiable. Love isn't quantifiable. It's not logical or neatly packed in some sort of universal order. It just…doesn't work like that." I leaned up, turning to face her now. "For this to work, you have to suspend belief about everything you've ever known in order to experience it. If you try to put emotions into logical order, it doesn't work. It makes it harder."
Her eyes searched my face, surveying me as if she had never seen anything quite like me before. "What if…sexuality is like the wave-particle duality. We're all waves until we let someone in to observe our situation, then we become a particle with attributes?"
That concept I couldn't quite comprehend so I went with what I knew best. "I've always believed sexuality is fluid and changing. People can be attracted to both men and women, one or the other, trans people, non-binary people, whatever. You love who you love. It doesn't matter."
"I guess that makes sense." She nodded, glancing over my shoulder when the curtain rustled. "I always wanted to know why Declan did what he did. Not for himself, I understand depression and suicidality. But why he did that to me. For me to find."
"Sometimes, Mira, there is no answer. Sometimes it just…is. Sometimes the answer is that there is no answer, and we have to accept that."
She nodded, sniffling as she gazed down at her hands in her lap. I held my hand out to her and she took it, lacing her fingers with mine. "Not quantifiable."
I brought her hand to my lips for a kiss. "Not at all."
***
"Where are we going?" asked Mira on Thursday night while I drove us out of Seattle. "Where are your siblings?"
"Robert and Daniel are staying at the house with Eleanor for the weekend and we're going to see an old friend."
"You've been away from them a lot. Do they need looking after?" She nearly writhed in her chair as the anxiety of the situation clawed at her.
"I was with them every day this week, and technically they're the ones who've been away from me with their growing social lives and independence."
"Are they responsible? Will they throw a wild party or something?"
I laughed softly as I reached across the console to pat her arm. "Honey, your anxiety is showing. They're fine. They're very responsible in that sense. What's making you nervous?"
"I haven't been out of Seattle in a while… Where are we going again?"
"To Sequim. Remember I mentioned my friend Dax? She owns a farm out there with her girlfriend."
"Just a farm?" Apprehension cooled her features, and I nodded.
"Just a farm. Only the four of us out there and some animals. I swear. Dax cultivates pumpkins as well, so maybe lots of harvest stuff."
"Okay." She turned sideways in her seat to face me, pulling her knees up with her. "Two hours?"
"About that. Have a nap, okay?"
"I have papers to grade…"
"So what? Give them all Bs and call it a day."
She laughed and rubbed her eyes like a sleepy kid. "Stella's daughters were so cute."
"They really are. Those names though." I smiled at the thought of it. "Luna and Nova."
"Do you want kids, Billie?" she asked, watching me while she pulled her jacket up like a blanket.
"I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel like I've already had them. Do you?"
"Not sure either." She paused while picking at a bit of leather on the console. "I had a miscarriage once."
"I'm sorry, Mira. When was that?" My heart, again, crumbled for her and I stroked her cheek with my finger.
"First year of our relationship. I never told him. Not that I was pregnant or that I miscarried," she said, her voice soft. "He wouldn't have been happy and I was on the pill."
"How did you feel about it?"
"Sad… Sometimes I think about it. I think she would've been almost ten or something."
"You've had a lot of heartbreak, did you know?" I held my arm to her and she leaned over the gap between the seats to drop her head on my shoulder.
"So have you. It makes us a good fit."
"Think so?" I nuzzled my chin against her forehead.
"Yes." She quieted for a moment then said, "I missed you in my classroom this week. It always surprises me when you show up."
"Even though I do it all the time?" I chuckled while she stroked the length of my thigh.
"The students think I'm in protective custody or something. I overheard them talking about it." She smiled while recalling the conversation.
"Well, you are a little bit," I teased and kissed her forehead. "Rest. I'll protect you while you do so."
"All right." She closed her eyes and I drove us out to Stocker's Farm.
In the quiet, with Mira's soft breathing against my shoulder, I reconciled that worry would remain my constant state. Eve, Ciara, Saoirse, and Angelina officially knew that we were in a relationship. It would only be a matter of time before everyone did. Of course, I was more than happy to show off Mira and celebrate with her, but her inner demons brought her expected doubt. Eve's words kept playing over and over in my head, like one sour apple in my basket of hope. I needed hope. I functioned on it. It's what got me out of Montana, and my siblings as well. Hope landed me a better life in Seattle, a good job, a stable home, and a happier family. If I wanted this relationship with Mira, it had to be me that held onto hope for it.
My knuckles whitened as I gripped the steering wheel. I couldn't let Eve's doubt dig itself deeper in me. I just couldn't let it.
The drive to the country warmed the colder parts of my insides. Fall colors, rolling hills, and mountains in the distance brought a sense of awe and calmness to my soul. We arrived at Stocker's Farm mid-afternoon, only to be greeted by a swarm of
goats. Each of them had a different color collar. Five of them appeared older, but another half-dozen must've been varied ages. They hopped around our feet, and literally escorted us to the farmhouse. In the paddocks around the property, several horses grazed. All of them appeared content, save for a larger draft horse that seemed to watch us like a hawk.
I knocked on the front door, and Dax answered it without saying anything. She stepped aside, and a fluffy dog ran circles around our feet.
"Who's this, Dax?" I asked, crouching down to greet the dog with heaps of pats.
"Pepper," said Dax, looking from me to Mira.
"I'm Mira. Thanks for inviting us." Mira extended her hand and Dax accepted it, though briefly.
"Billie invited herself. I just opened the door."
"I did not. Don't make her nervous." I stood up and grabbed Dax into a hug. "You're hard to read."
"Says you." Dax patted my back, then released me to gesture toward the living room. "Willa's on her way. You guys want a beer or something?"
"Day drinking. I'm in. Mira?" I grinned at her as we followed Dax into the living room.
"I could get behind some day drinking." Mira nodded and Dax disappeared off to the kitchen. Pepper leapt onto the sofa between us and settled down like we were old pals. "Sweet dog," Mira commented while she pet her.
"She is," Dax said when she returned to hand us each a bottle of beer.
"Hey! What the—?" I flinched when my sunglasses went flying off my head after something swatted them. I turned to see a cat perched on the back of the sofa. He meowed at me, then walked away. "Rude."
"His name is Rudy." Dax sipped her beer like nothing unusual happened. "Since you're going to ask."
Mira laughed openly, and her energy changed already in the new environment.
"What animals don't you have here, Dax? Are there a few rescue elephants behind the barn?" I huffed and picked my sunglasses up from the floor.
"You'll have to wait and see. You're sleeping in the barn anyway." Dax shrugged, then set her drink on the coffee table.
"So, Mira. Dax comes with a disclaimer. She'll say shit and you can't tell if she's kidding or she'll have these epically long silences that are so awkward it feels like you're sitting beside each other in a bathroom stall. Just to warn you." I stroked Pepper's head when she flopped across my lap.
"Truth." Dax smirked before her gaze shot to the front door when it opened.
Willa swept in carrying a white bakery box. Like when I met her at the salon, she wore a plaid shirt. In her own environment, her smile appeared brighter. "Hi hi," she said, setting the box down on the half-moon table by the door. "Sorry, I'm late."
Mira and I both offered her small waves.
"You brought company." Dax nodded to Willa's ankles where one of the tinier goats circled. It bleated, then headbutted her shin.
"Oh, this sneaky little Pineapple is too much." Willa scooped up the goat, and carried him over to Dax before leaning down to kiss her. "Hi, honey." Pepper ran circles around her and she greeted the happy pup as well.
"Hi." Dax accepted the little goat in her lap at the same time that she kissed her girl.
"Did you feed our guests beer?" Willa ran her finger down Dax's smiling face.
"It's not whiskey."
Mira and I both laughed at that. In the presence of these two, Mira's posture relaxed on the sofa, and she slouched slightly. Her fatigue seemed to pass for now.
"Well, then you made a good decision." Willa ran her fingers through Dax's hair before taking a seat beside her in the armchair, the goat climbing on both of them. "We're so glad you two came out here, Billie. I never knew you existed until we saw you at the salon." Willa shot Dax a playful glare.
"Honestly, I thought Dax stopped existing years ago when she disappeared, but I had hope." And there I went again with it. Hope.
"Well, I've been officially caught up on your friendship until that point so here we are," said Willa, carrying the conversation on with ease as she looked to Mira. Dax seemed completely happy with Willa taking charge. "And Mira, it's good to meet you. How long have you two been together?"
"Um…" Mira crossed her legs and looked at me. "A…week?"
Both Dax and Willa stared at us as if waiting for the punchline.
"A week?" Dax's brows narrowed as she glanced between us.
"Officially a week, ambiguously…" I smirked at Mira, dropping my head back on the cushion as I slouched. "Would you say two months?"
"Probably…we've known each other for about four." Mira wrung her hands in her lap while she focused on the goat who bounced around Pepper, then climbed on her back when she lay down.
No one said anything so I did. "Awkward silence is awkward. Someone talk."
"I expected longer. You two act like you've been together a long time," offered Willa. "I mean, your energy anyway from knowing you in the last ten minutes."
"Poor evidence for that observation." Dax flicked Willa's cheek and she swatted her hand in response. "But I agree with the statement as I've known you for thirty minutes."
I chuckled, and Mira smirked. The cuffs of her shirt stretched from her nervous fiddling. Mira met Dax's gaze, and said, "Billie's my first girlfriend."
"Oh." Willa's brow furrowed as if attempting to assess the situation. "Oh…wait, what?"
"You dated men?" asked Dax, her tone unassuming.
"I did. My whole life. And then…things changed." Mira glanced at me and I offered her a smile. Hearing her talk about us and herself with people she just met brought a stroke of confidence to my resolve. It offered some good practice, if anything.
"I get that. I've dated both, up until Willa." Dax lifted her beer then offered her girlfriend a sip. She accepted, then took her own. "Now I'm happy."
"Are you?" I couldn't wipe the smile from my face when I heard her say it. The Dax I knew both before and after what happened to her, never used the word happy.
"Yeah." She turned to Willa, their gazes locked. "I'm happy."
"Me too, honey." Willa pressed her forehead to Dax's and they hung there a moment.
I turned my focus back to Mira, whose soft smile seemed to settle some of the anxiety as she watched the two of them. Without the dog between us, I scooted closer to her and, in a role reversal, she wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
"So, you're bi, Mira?" asked Dax after a moment.
"Um…I guess?" Her brow furrowed as she glanced between us.
"You like men and women, so I'd say so." Dax shrugged. "I don't know many other bi women."
"I mean, I've liked men and Billie. Does that count?" Mira smirked and I laughed as I found myself curling up against her. In Dax's presence, the comfort of our friendship brought a sense of safety. I didn't have to be on guard here, and that mattered.
"Not true. You thought Stella was easy on the eyes. I heard you." I poked her chin and she chuckled.
"She was pretty, but it's you I like. Only you…"
"They're really cute," I heard Willa whisper to Dax and she nodded.
"Beej's easy to like. Romantic, honest, and a caretaker. What else could someone ask for?" offered Dax, shrugging when she said it.
"How come you two never hooked up?" asked Willa, glancing between me and Dax.
"We never liked each other like that. Also, we bickered constantly," I said, letting my arm fall over Mira's stomach.
"Incessantly," added Dax. "And she never stood up to me. I pushed her around."
"You did. Bully." I huffed at her and Dax laughed. "Not really. Like a big sister more so."
"True."
"So, you picked me because I stood up to you?" Willa cocked a brow at Dax and we all laughed.
"Well, you were the incessant one in this relationship. Showing up here unannounced to make sure I wasn't dead and all…"
"Point taken."
"Who crushed on who first?" Dax pointed between me and Mira. "What's the story?"
I looked up at Mira and she scrunched up her nose. "You t
ell it. I was a bystander."
I laughed and nodded. "I had a strange case at work that involved radioactive things and one of Mira's students. She helped out on the case and I just…kept showing up. We started hanging out."
"And you liked her from the first second you saw her, Beej. Don't even try to play it cool." Dax scowled at me and looked to Mira. "Don't let her get away with that."
Mira laughed and looked down at me. "She's telling the truth, isn't she?"
"Yep." I rested my palm on her chest. "I liked you, didn't know if you were gay, Saoirse told me you weren't, and I thought I'd be satisfied with friendship. Wrong."
"Always wrong," Willa chimed in. "I wanted to be Dax's friend, too."
"Yeah. I didn't want a friend. I wanted to fuck her silly," said Dax, a grin on her lips.
"Dax!" Willa laughed and grabbed her into a hug that neared a headlock.
"Did you want to do that to me?" whispered Mira and my cheeks heated immediately.
"Not…in so many words." I gulped as I peeked up at her. "Even if we didn't, your companionship meant a lot."
"Yeah, sweetie. It did." Her term of endearment melted my insides, and I rubbed small circles on her stomach until a black and gray blur appearing in front of my face made me gasp.
"Shit." The little goat jumped onto my hip and climbed me like a mountain. "Dax, this place is nuts."
"Rudy smacked her sunglasses off her head the second she got here." Dax told Willa as she laughed at me. "Pineapple likes you. Give him a pat."
"Oh, he's nibbling my shirt." Mira snickered while the goat tugged at her sleeve.
"Okay, you." Willa stood and scooped up the goat. "Out you get." She let him out the front door and he bleated at her before she closed it. "Go find your friends."
"I love your home," I told Dax as she smiled softly at Willa. Her hard exterior, as always, provided another wall she kept around herself. Inside, her gentility matched no one else I'd ever met. She kept it hidden away, reserved for her pets and now, her girlfriend.
"Thank you," she said, her smile steadfast when she met my gaze again. "Up for a tour?"
I looked to Mira, giving her arm a poke. "Want to explore the farm?"
"I do. I'm curious about the elephants." We all laughed at the notion.
Entanglement Page 21