by Ella M. Lee
I watched him, trying to keep my eyes from lingering on the toned and beautiful plane of his stomach or the impressive lines of his arms. I waited as he stared at nothing, gathering his thoughts.
Although I may have found the previously teased hints of Nicolas’s past interesting and exciting, it was likely painful for him to recount. Magic attracted hardship and suffering. It created a hell of a lot of it too.
For a long time, I had wondered why any of us put up with it, but the answer was simple: Magic was a drug. It caused pain, but it also eased it. It brought darkness but also light. It destroyed, but it also created. Heartache was the price, but no one minded paying it for the power they received in return.
I was the same. Nicolas was the same. Human, susceptible, mesmerized like moths spiraling to a bonfire.
Chapter 24
“I have my mother’s surname, Demarais,” Nicolas said after a moment. “She was French and living in Hong Kong with her sister when she met my father. A typical story: They fell in love, she got pregnant, he disappeared. I grew up with her and my aunt, who was a French diplomat’s wife.
“My life was good when I was young. I spent time here and in France, sometimes in England. My mother and aunt were doting, although often busy and away. We were rich, and I had staff to take care of me. I was an excellent student who loved to read and loved music.”
“You are quite good at the piano,” I offered, resting my head in my hands, watching him.
“Thank you.” He smiled briefly before continuing. “I entered university at the age of seventeen, studied biology and chemistry, and graduated early at nineteen. My master’s program research led me to Smoke Clan. I had discovered a very odd case and was trying to use it as the basis for my thesis. It turned out that a woman had attempted to join Smoke and had a bad reaction to the magic. She was the one who introduced me to them.
“The second I learned of magic’s existence, I was obsessed, relentless. Smoke was, in a lot of ways, the perfect clan for my scientific mind. They were constantly pushing the limits of magic, testing it, seeking to understand it. Once clanned to them, I threw myself into that too.
“For about eight years, I worked under a commander who sought to join magic to inanimate objects—to give them life of their own, to give them autonomy. It was delicate and tricky work, and we were nowhere near a true, stable answer. It was then that my abilities appeared.”
His expression grew cold and withdrawn.
“They began slowly and got worse as time went on,” he continued. “I would close my eyes and see things happen. To my clanmates, to my friends, to random people I passed on the street. I could hardly get a moment’s rest because every time my eyes closed, even just to blink, events would play in my mind. When I was around people, I would hear voices in my head. Eventually, I’d hear them when I was alone too. I thought I was going crazy—but no, not yet.
“It took me weeks to understand that I was seeing the future and hearing thoughts.
“Being scientifically minded, I studied the visions and thoughts. I recorded and tested everything. I wanted them to go away. I wanted to be normal again. I couldn’t work, couldn’t focus, couldn’t even get out of bed some days. Eventually, I told my commander what was happening.”
Nicolas laughed darkly. “I expected him to be pleased. Oh, I was so stupid. Instead, I found a pair of magic-limiting shackles slapped on me, and my new home was a locked cell in the basement of Smoke’s clan house in Sydney.”
I watched him, my eyes wide. When he told me that Smoke had not been receptive to his new gifts, this was not what I had imagined.
“For almost a year, they experimented on me. I cooperated at first because I thought it would get me out of that cell. But the treatment got harsher, and I withdrew into myself. Unfortunately for them, there was not a lot to be gained from me when I wouldn’t talk. Oh, they threatened me. They hurt me. They put me through hell. Nothing worked. The visions and voices became worse—more jumbled, a blending of present and future that I didn’t understand. I was overly sensitized from the torture of their experiments. I lost myself, became catatonic, destroyed by Smoke’s treatment, mostly insane at that point.
“There was a woman...” he said and paused again for a few moments. “The woman who was tasked with feeding me and taking care of me in my final couple of months there. She was kind and gentle and spoke to me in Cantonese. I could cling to that, sometimes, despite the insanity. It reminded me of home, Hong Kong, which I desperately wished I could see again.
“There came a point when she started mentioning an escape plan. I didn’t care. Each night for weeks, she talked to me about escaping. I never responded. She begged me to hear her. I was apathetic. I was long past caring about anything. A month or so went by before she told me her brother was in town. If we could get to him, she said, he could take us to Hong Kong. She told me she was leaving Smoke, but not without me. Suddenly, her words lit me up like fire. I did very much want to go home. Nothing anyone had said or done for weeks had engaged me, except this sweet woman when she spoke of my home and her desire to save me.
“She led us out of the clan house, into the rainy Sydney night, the two of us taking down every guard in our path. I have no idea how I managed it—pure adrenaline, I suppose. I had always been an excellent magician and fighter. I hadn’t quite believed her, but she took us across the city to her brother’s hotel. I’ll never forget his look of shock. Here was his sister, injured and drenched, practically dragging a half-starved, half-crazed man behind her. It was late, and he hadn’t been expecting us. But he took it in as calmly and stoically as he does everything else. It’s my favorite thing about him.”
“Ryan?” I guessed.
Nicolas smiled. “Yes, Ryan. Lucky for me, he’s quick on his feet. It took him only an hour to get us declanned from Smoke and on a plane to Hong Kong. His sister and I were both mortal, and he took care of us. I hadn’t wanted to tell him of my strange abilities—I was afraid he’d do the same thing to me that Smoke had—but his sister reassured me that Ryan wasn’t like that, and he reassured me that Water wasn’t like that. When I spoke of what I could do, he helped me learn control and acceptance.
“I was infinitely grateful that he didn’t want to run more experiments on me, didn’t seek to own me and my abilities. Weeks later, when I was mostly recovered and able to handle myself, his commander clanned me to Water. Ryan had staked his own reputation for me, and he trained me in Water magic himself.”
I remembered Ryan telling me earlier that part of the deal for him saving Nicolas was that Nicolas would become a commander and take Ryan into his group.
Nicolas responded to my thoughts. “Yes, he thought I was capable of that sort of feat, and he was right. I made commander in a year and four months, and Ryan was my first group member. I have been here since then.”
“What about Smoke?” I asked, fascinated. “Do they know what happened?”
“Oh, they figured it out eventually,” Nicolas said darkly. “It didn’t take them too long to find out I had joined Water, although for many years they believed I was located in Paris. Now they know what I am here: commander, council member, residing in the clan house I built in Hong Kong, with many allies. I have a fairly pervasive reputation. They know there is nothing they can do to touch me. We usually ignore one another, as powerful enemies often do for convenience.
“But I will always hate them for what they did to me,” he finished.
His tone was lethal.
I watched him warily. He looked as though he were made of stone—pale, cold, unmoving except the rise and fall of his chest. His expression was dark, his brown eyes dim and focused on nothing.
I reached out a hand to touch his arm. Is this okay? I thought to him. Are you okay?
Silence. Hesitation. His muscles tensed. Then he said in my mind softly, Yes.
I’m sorry, I murmured to him silently, gripping his hand in my own, twining my fingers among his. He closed his eyes,
his expression now completely unfathomable.
This is why I don’t hurt people unless I absolutely have to. His voice was a mere whisper in my mind, raw and undone. This is why I take in strays like you and Daniel and some of the others. This is why I’ll do anything to protect my group. Ryan showed me that I could come out of that experience hardened in many ways, but also softened, understanding, compassionate. Someone worthy of being saved. He taught me how to live without being consumed by revenge, and he helped me pour my anger into other goals.
What happened to Ryan’s sister? I asked.
Her name is Jasmine, he said. She’s fine. She was clanned to Verdant around the same time I joined Water. She’s a close friend of mine, possibly my only real friend. I know no one with more empathy or compassion than her, and she’s supported me for years despite how different we are. She’s family as much as my group here in Water is.
The first morning I was here in your apartment… I said, were you on the phone with her?
His eyes sharpened on mine in surprise. Yes. How did you guess that?
You looked… happy, I offered.
Jasmine brings out the best in me, he said. Which is saying a lot. I was very hard to handle when she first met me. She continues to temper my personality. Her and Ryan both, actually. They balance me so that I’m able to function here.
You seem to have done well, I thought tentatively. A year and four months to make commander? Is that a record in Water?
From what I knew of clans, it was unheard-of speed. In Flame, I didn’t know of anyone who had made commander in fewer than seven years.
Yes, he said. My reputation and abilities were helpful, especially early on. Sometimes it pays to be a crazy monster.
I flinched. I didn’t think he was a crazy monster. Nicolas played a part here; I understood that. I had seen too much of his kindness and vulnerability to ever think he was a monster. Would a monster have cared so much about me these past few days? Would a monster have taken me from my cell and endeavored so hard to get me to where I was now?
I thought about what had happened to him in Smoke, appalled. No one deserved that treatment. How could any clan do that to a member? To turn on someone so savagely—I couldn’t imagine it. Membership was supposed to be a sacred brotherhood.
“Not when you’re pursuing truth and science,” Nicolas said, answering my thoughts. “Smoke is a little too driven, and I was young and dumb and trusting. I paid for that.”
“Those scars… are they from Smoke?” I asked hesitantly, pointing to his abdomen.
He exhaled sharply, glancing down at them. “Yes, relics of their torture, a reminder of what happened to me.”
“Or a reminder that you survived and got out,” I said. “You have control now, of your life and your gifts.”
“Yes. It took me a long time to feel comfortable in my own body after I’d been in Smoke’s hands for so long,” he said. “I’m sorry about earlier. I’m uncomfortable having my skin touched, even now. Another relic of what they did to me.”
“I won’t do it again,” I said. “That was thoughtless.”
“It’s all right, I won’t be so skittish with you again.”
“You are allowed to be human, you know,” I offered. “Around me, anyhow. I won’t tell.”
He laughed lightly. “Thank you. To everyone else, I’m a superhero. Omniscient and infallible.”
“Is that true?” I asked.
“It took a very long time to even slightly understand my abilities, to begin to tame the visions and the voices. In a way, they are their own brand of magic and needed to be learned and mastered like any other. But I have a handle on it now. When my visions choose to behave, they do make me fairly invincible.”
“They just appeared one day?”
He nodded. “If there was a trigger for them, I’ve never figured it out. And if others have my same gifts, they are smarter than I am and know to hide them well.”
“I’m glad you are the way you are,” I said, thinking of how his mind-reading and visions had caused him to take a chance on me, “although I’m sorry about the path you had to walk to get here.”
“It was a long time ago,” he said. “I have different concerns now, different things to care about. My group is my family, the most important thing to me. My life is theirs.”
“They are lucky to have you,” I said, unsure how to bring him out of his somber mood. “Have you been neglecting them this week for me?”
“Not particularly,” he said. “Most of our work is conducted online via encrypted chat programs, task lists, and the data stored on our servers. My group is made up almost exclusively of very experienced clan members who prefer their autonomy, and they were expecting me to be busy in Vienna for weeks anyhow. They are used to my eccentricity.”
I smiled. Of course Nicolas’s group was self-sufficient. He didn’t seem like he would care to have a group that needed micromanagement. Everyone I had met so far—Daniel, Ryan, Cameron, Keisha, Sylvio, Yu-Teng, Chandra—seemed immensely capable in their own way.
Could I fit into that? Could I be someone Nicolas trusted to work for him, to be part of what he called his “family”?
Nicolas rolled onto his side, facing me, his eyes half closed. He took my hands in both of his, making small circles on my skin with his fingers in what seemed to be a reassuring gesture.
A week ago, I would have shuddered and pulled away. Now, not so much. Nicolas had treated me kindly. He had spared my life, and I was grateful. He didn’t frighten me, especially not after hearing what he had gone through to get here and why he acted the way he did.
I had told him I wanted the job of making sure he was okay. Why not start now?
I inched toward him, monitoring his reaction, but he didn’t seem to mind. I was close enough to feel his body heat, close enough that our heads were nearly together.
“What did you see in my future that made you keep me?” I asked. “What did you see in me?”
“I told you practically from the moment I met you—fire,” he said, smiling warmly.
“I don’t understand you,” I griped, squeezing his hands in mine.
He laughed. “Someday you will, I promise.”
I sighed, shivering. Nicolas reached out and pulled the duvet over me, running his hand down my shoulder to smooth it. I leaned into him, and his hand stilled on my waist, resting there lightly.
His eyes were closed now, and I studied the beautiful lines of his face. I loved that his posture was at ease, his long limbs stretched out and relaxed next to mine.
Nicolas reminded me of some large jungle cat, all rippling muscles and mountains of grace and dangerous fangs. But also beautiful and mesmerizing, something impossible to ignore or dismiss or belittle.
Thanks, fate, I thought, for landing me in this weird situation with the most attractive man I’ve ever met.
It was more than just his classic good looks or his deep eyes. Power and confidence commanded a certain amount of attraction too, and he had both in droves.
Nicolas’s eyes flicked open to meet mine, warm and beautiful.
“Don’t let my idle thoughts go to your head,” I told him, smiling.
“Why ever not?”
“I’m sure everyone has them about you,” I said. “It’s hard to have cheekbones like yours and not end up on the cover of GQ.”
“Impeccable bone structure,” he said, reminding me of our conversation from a few days ago.
“And eyes lovelier than stars,” I added. “So… why is your bed empty except for me?”
He hadn’t alluded to a current lover or girlfriend, nor was there any evidence of such a person in his life. No women’s clothes in the closet, no perfume on the bathroom counter, no feminine touches in his museum-like home.
He rolled his eyes. “I’m a novelty. Sleeping with Nicolas Demarais once? Fun and exciting. Mind-blowing, even, given my unique abilities,” he said, laughing lightly. “Being in a relationship with him? Horrifying, or s
o I’ve gathered. The downside of my reputation, I suppose.”
“What I’m hearing,” I said, “is that you haven’t found someone brave enough yet.”
He shook his head. “Or someone who wants to deal with having a boyfriend they can’t trust. The ability to read minds means you can manipulate anyone into doing anything you want. Turns out most people don’t like that.”
“So, someone brave and strong, who won’t let your bullshit cloud her judgment,” I said. “Right. I’ll keep an eye out for you.”
I laughed nervously, trying not to think about the words that crept along the edges of my mind, that I wouldn’t mind trying to be that brave and that strong.
His startled and arrested look cleared slowly into a beautiful smile. I thought he was about to say something, but his phone vibrated several times, startling us apart.
As he rolled to retrieve it, I clambered off the bed, eager to take a shower and let the pressure of the hot water beat some sense into me.
“Change into something else,” Nicolas said when I emerged from the bathroom, showered and in a fresh set of clothing.
“What?” I asked incredulously.
That was one of the weirder orders he’d given me. It was evident that Nicolas cared a lot about clothes—his were all designer and tailored and perfectly matched to his eyes and hair and skin tone. But he hadn’t yet made the demand that I abandon my plain black leggings and T-shirts for anything else.
“Did Keisha buy you anything nice? Something suitable for a date, perhaps?” he asked.
He was studying his phone, not looking at me, and he said the words in the most casual tone imaginable.
“Excuse me?” I said. “A date?”
He looked up at my shocked and appalled tone and smiled. “Not a real date. I’m taking you on an operation with me, and this operation happens to involve us pretending to be on a brunch date.”
“Can’t you take, I don’t know, anyone else?” I asked, cringing.
“No, I need you,” he said. “We’re going to do a little surveillance on those two Meteors the clan has been tracking, and I want to hear your opinion of them.”