As if he had understood my agitation -my hands were hooked on his body, my breath was sharp and all my senses were surrendered in the abyss of his touch -he asked me:
“Are you alright?”
I distanced myself a little from his arms, as much as I could to escape from his hold, trying to find a logical point to grab.
Is this what love is? Is it the weakness for the desire of the flesh? Is it the confusion of the mind, the end of a simple life, the loss of yourself?
“I think I need something cool to drink”, I whispered hypnotized.
Finally, he let me go from the martyrdom of his hugging, leaving me empty, though. He nodded for me to go ahead and he followed me closely.
As we were going to our table I noticed that Sam and Tomas carried on dancing. Eric welcomed us smiling. I was standing opposite him trying to look calm.
“Were you alone all this time?” I asked, since I did not see Adam around.
He pointed towards a group of girls next to us, saying he had just joined them to greet an acquaintance. We were the three of us, the two brothers and me, in an extremely tense atmosphere.
“Well, Camen, is Adrian a good dancer?” Eric asked.
“Yes”, his one-word answer sounded, as if he was telling him “Enough, I do not want to talk about it”. However, Eric continued.
“And beautiful! Exceptionally beautiful, beyond the humanly possible. I would say that her beauty is divine. What do you say? Do you agree?” he said looking at him mockingly.
“All god’s creations are beautiful”, he answered and he stared at him.
Eric smiled tilting his head back.
“Always terse. And, to be honest, I did not expect a better answer from you. However, tell me, which god creates beings with such an excellent grace and expects not to be worshiped, not to be loved, not to instigate the violation of the law?”
All this was completely incomprehensible and I felt it did not concern only me.
“Sorry, I am here too! Is it possible for you to simplify the conversation a little bit because I cannot follow you”, I protested.
Camen looked at me as he was lifting the beer glass.
“Eric is always overdramatic and he likes making an impression”.
“For what law are you talking about? Is there something I should know?” I asked with a steady voice, although, obviously confused.
At that moment, the most unexpected thing in the world happened. A young boy stood in front of us looking at me. Hawing, he asked me to dance with him. Camen stiffened, his eyes became smaller and the knuckles of his hands turned white from the pressure he was putting on his glass. For sure, he did not like this. Eric, though, seemed to enjoy it.
“Do you see what I told you?” he said smiling.
I refused politely. Two dances in one evening were enough for me.
“Why were you annoyed, Camen?”
Eric’s look became thoughtful again.
Camen did not speak. He was standing there still, unwilling to say or do anything.
“If it happens…” Eric continued, “…what I imagine, it is really funny. Who puts the wolf to look after the sheep?”
He laughed loudly and suddenly became serious. Camen kept standing there speechless and stern.
“Now, everything makes sense. That is why you left. You could not bear it. It is too strong… Isn’t it, Camen? It burns your insides, it devours you, it makes your life unbearable. Nothing matters if you do not live it. And how exhausting it is to reject everything, your god, your creator, your brothers, your life, your privileges only to taste it. It was difficult; very difficult for me that I felt so small, facing this new sensation incapable of resisting it, unable to renounce it, weak to be able to stop it…”
His look became wild, eerie… It was the look of someone who has lost everything.
“I wonder what you are going to do now. Will you be able to renounce it, or you will become fallen? Will you surrender to its mystery or you will stay faithful? And all these because of the free will. But, I do not see any freedom, when someone dares do something against god’s will and they are punished. How can one be free when they are bound by the law? And how free is the one who is not violating the law because of fear? The only thing I see is slavery, a will enslaved to the fear of falling”.
“Oh, it is an amazing bar! Its music is terrific. We should come more often or at least, when we have free time”, Sam said the moment she came back with Tomas.
They arrived at the most inappropriate time. Eric clearly agitated from his discoveries related to Camen’s situation, Camen deep in thought, left in thoughts that were eating him, were piercing him, letting the pain show on his face. And me, endlessly confused from what I had heard and seen.
“What is going on?” Tomas asked. “Did we miss anything?”
None of us answered. There was stagnation, a freezing at our table, until Eric undertook to change the course of events for that evening.
“Something happened to me. I have to leave earlier than I thought. Tomas, can you take the girls home?”
Tomas looked at us trying to understand if that was true. When he spoke, his look was questioning.
“Yes, of course. There is no problem”.
“Good! Then, you will allow me to leave you”, he said as he was getting up and, pulling his overcoat from the couch he said goodnight.
“Is your brother always that strange?” Tomas asked waving at the waitress for more beer.
Camen somehow relaxed, from the moment Eric left. Though, I was not so sure about the calmness of his soul.
“Eric is a bit peculiar”, he said and that word was sufficient for him.
“Where is Adam?” Sam asked.
I pointed towards him, saying that he stayed with the group next to us, where he seemed to be having a better time.
Tomas and Sam continued talking to each other.
Camen stayed looking at me and I could see in his eyes, the pain and sorrow that were overtaking him. I decided to speak to him for all that we had said. Besides, he owed me some explanations.
“For what law was Eric talking about?” I asked steadily.
“Why don’t you start from something else?” he answered looking tired.
Very well, something else.
“What has happened and you both behave like enemies?” I dared ask something that was entirely personal and yet, after what I had heard, I believed I was entitled to. I bent in front of him and looked at him steadily, waiting or rather demanding an answer. What I heard though, surprised me much more than the answer I had expected.
“You are very beautiful, really. Eric is right. This beauty can only be divine”.
He took hold of a strand of my hair that escaped my hairstyle and placed it behind my ear, touching me softly. The touch of his fingers on my skin took me off. I distinguished a soft light appearing on his hand. Abruptly, he took it away. I remained looking at him with an open mouth. I had seen it clearly, although soft, the violate color that shined. Now, I was certain, completely, Camen had supernatural abilities. My mind started working feverishly, trying to explain the unexplained. An idea was spinning around my head, an idea completely crazy, but very logical, considering all the events that had happened the previous week. The last discussion between the two brothers planted this idea even deeper into my mind. Camen is an angel! At that moment I questioned my faith. In theory I was faithful, but in practice… To be entitled to this characterization I ought to accept everything the doctrine of Christianity had stood for… I ought to believe in angels too! But, how? What kind of logic would allow that? His shine, however, this unique violet shine was automatically excluding him from the human race.
Before I spoke, he had said to the rest I was tired and so was he. That was the reason he would accompany me home.
I looked at him searching, trying to interpret his intensions. He looked at me too. For few moments we were competing each other with our eyes… My attitude was saying I w
as going to ask for explanations right away, that I knew, I believed in the existence of his kind, that I was accepting him. His attitude seemed completely lost.
“Adrian, if you do not feel well, we can all leave”, Sam suggested, maybe sensing the weird situation.
“No, I am alright. Just a little tired”, I continued my lie. “You can stay. After all, it is still early and it seems you are enjoying yourselves. Adam is too”, I pointed towards him.
“Are you sure?” she insisted.
“Yes”, I answered steadily.
“See you tomorrow, then. I will stop by to see how you are doing. Goodnight Camen”.
Tomas looked at him investigating his face. Finally, he uttered good night, drawing his interest to Sam once again, who seemed to enjoy it.
The minute we got out, the cold air hit me on the face bringing me round a little bit, but the agony I felt for the development of the evening was too big to disappear at its cold touch. I followed him while he was walking silently on a road further down, where a black Rover was parked. His insistence on black was tremendous.
We started moving. He was looking at the road without talking and his hands were tightly holding the steering wheel. At some point he turned towards me.
“Well! What do you want to know?” he asked me.
I thought I may sound completely stupid, however the shine that emerged from his fingers, a few moments before we left the pub, made me ask the unthinkable.
“Do you believe in angels?”
His laugh, abrupt and joyful, clashed into my ears. His eyes blinked sneeringly, hearing my question, which now seemed stupid to me too.
“Do you?”
“I do not know. I usually need proof or at least strong indications, something that does not apply to this case. However, I cannot ignore the fact that I was brought up by a catholic family, with a deep faith in god. I carry this faith in me... If there is god, then there are angels, surely”, I answered staring at him with challenging eyes.
“What do you know about them?” he asked me.
“Not much”, I admitted. “That they are incorporeal, intangible, spirits which, when they appear before humans, they are surrounded by …”
I hesitated for a moment.
“… by a kind of shine…”
“And so, you considered that I am an angel. How am I sitting here with you? I held you in my arms, we danced, you were touching me, I was touching you, you felt me. Aren’t all these very human?”
“I did not say anything like that”, I reacted to his words. “But, I did not know how to explain the light that was surrounding you. I made the most possible assumptions I could”.
“And where did you end up?”
“Nowhere! They were simply assumptions”, I said uncomfortably.
“And Eric? Do you believe he is an angel too?” he asked unexpectedly.
“Why? Why would I believe something like that?” I wondered.
“We are of the same family. Wouldn’t it be logical to be of the same kind?”
“And which is this kind, Camen?”
“Angels, of course”, he said smiling.
“So, do you believe in them? And even more, do you admit it?” I asked playfully.
His attitude became serious. Tranquillity was emerging now from his whole figure.
“Whoever believes in god, he ought to believe in his battalions too. You, yourself said that you want to prove their existence. Isn’t Lucifer the biggest proof? The first fallen angel, almost equal to god, who appears in so many texts and works of art, he seduced thousands of others out of the Kingdom of Heaven. Didn’t you ever wonder, where did he seduced them to or why? There are two worlds, according to the texts; the one is the Kingdom of Heaven and the other is this one, where we are at this exact moment, the earthy. If someone leaves from one world, he will be found in the other one, with mathematical precision. This means that when Lucifer fell, together with the rest of them, by that very fact, they came here on earth.’
“And it is known that whatever lives on this side it is not incorporeal, intangible, or spirit. Therefore, the fallen angels were obliged to abandon any spiritual form and transform into flesh. And of course, do not forget that in Genesis, god clearly says: “we created man in our own image.” To whom he could be saying that, if not to his battalions? His angels, who, apparently, have been also created in the image of their creator, with more credentials than those of the human race. Here is your proof, Adrian. Now, do you believe I am an angel?”
I remained astounded, looking at him not believing what I had heard. And yet, his words seemed so well presented, logical, believable... Only one detail was not compatible with his generally complete theory about angels. Despite the fact that deep inside me I was almost sure about his nature, I was searching for something to hold on to, so that I could avoid accepting it. A part of me wanted Camen to be human, a simple ordinary man who I could love without fear. This thought scared me… It is one thing to feel love at first sight for a stranger and another thing to fall in love with an angel!
“If, according to this theory, we suppose you are an angel, then why are you here? Are you a fallen angel or there is another reason?” I asked.
“If we suppose I am not the fallen one, what do you believe would force me to be on this side?”
I tried to put my thoughts in order.
“According to we created, the angels are present during the creation and apparently they assist. According to the birth of Jesus Christ, an angel prepared the Virgin Mary to conceive him and according to the social tradition, every one of us has a guardian angel. Therefore, you are here because you are going to help to the creation of something, or to prepare and notify someone for something impending, or because you are someone’s guardian angel. Regarding the first one, there should be others too, in order for something to be created. You and your brother are not enough. Regarding the third assumption, you ought to be with the person you are guarding. Therefore, you are here to prepare and notify someone. Correct?”
I answered his suppositions, not believing I was discussing something like this.
“Who?” he asked, looking at me intensely.
“Oh! I do not know… I imagine, someone who is going to transform into a different condition from his present one- which he could not interpret without your assistance. Or someone who would be in danger of something, or something could be revealed to him…”
“And what if I told you that it is you that I came down to earth for, Adrian?”
This was above and beyond the philosophical discussion about angels…
“Well, I am listening”, I said as calmly as I could.
“Hypothetically speaking. All these are hypothesis of the human mind”.
“I am listening hypothetically, Camen. Why are you here?”
“So then, you see beyond what you see”.
“If you are referring to your angelic nature, the only tangible thing I have is a shine that I briefly saw. You will have to show me more to convince me”.
I extorted the situation hoping, even if I was already convinced for what he was, that all this was a joke.
“Is my word not enough?”
“So, you want me to believe that you are here to notify me for something, just because you say so. This means that something is going to happen or I am in danger. I must be really important, so that god sent a living representative of his to tell me that. And Eric, what is his part in the whole story?”
“I did not say we are angels of the same battalion”.
“Yes, but you are brothers”.
“Just like with the rest of the angels”.
“Just like me with the rest of the humans? That is what you mean “brothers”?
“Yes”.
“Then, if he belongs to another battalion, shall I consider him fallen?”
“Yes”.
His face was more than serious, showing also a firm belief to everything he was saying.
“
Does this mean that he is not here for me?”
He did not speak. I considered it to be a declination.
So, Eric was also here for me? And because he was fallen…
A part of my mind wanted to believe in this madness that seemed so real, but the biggest part was resisting something so paranoid, no mater how veritable it seemed. This, normally, should have scared me; a fallen angel being here, for me. Apparently, he was not sent by god. He came by himself. For this reason, Camen’s presence was justified. He was here to notify me for something forthcoming or to protect me. But why? What made Eric want me, and much more, what made his creator send angels to protect me? This was paranoia, absurdity… I remained stunned from the conclusion of my thoughts, lost in the dread, that all these things can cause, but madly delighted, since this meant that Camen was here for me, only for me. And this was enough.
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