She had to tell him and it had to be now. It had been too long already.
‘He is yours,’ she blurted, then held her breath, watching as myriad emotions passed over his face. She’d wanted to break it more gently, but they might only have minutes alone and she couldn’t bear to keep it from him any longer.
‘He’s mine?’ he squeaked eventually.
‘Yes. Do you need to sit down?’
He shook his head.
‘I’m a dad?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me before… before you… before I… before…’ He was shaking his head, his eyes shining and his breath coming in shaky gasps.
‘I’m so sorry, but I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left. I cut off all social media and changed my mobile number, so I had no way of contacting you. I was so angry, I couldn’t bear to keep any links between us.’
He dragged his hands through his hair. ‘I did the same.’
‘You did?’
‘So even if you had tried to contact me, you’d have struggled. Damn it, Holly, what have we done?’
They gazed at each other for a while as their confessions hung in the air between them. Exhausted, Holly pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and sank onto it, then Rich did the same.
‘You know… I never imagined we could end up like this.’ His voice was tinged with sadness.
‘Like what?’
‘Like strangers.’ He looked down at his feet, exhaled, and raised his eyes again. ‘We’re parents. I have a son I didn’t know about. I thought we’d be…’
‘Yes?’
‘I thought—’
‘There you are!’
Holly jumped as a hand landed on her shoulder and she turned to find her old friend Francesca Gandolfini smiling at her.
‘Fran!’ Instinctively she got up and hugged her friend, but the hug she received in return was stiff and formal.
‘Good to see you, Holly, although I’m really sorry it’s in these circumstances.’
‘Thank you.’ Holly tried to pull herself together, to focus on what Fran was saying, but it was hard when all she wanted to do was continue her conversation with Rich. They couldn’t leave it like this. She realized Fran was staring at her, so she shook herself. ‘I guess eighty-eight is a good age, but even so… is it ever time?’
‘I don’t think so.’ Fran shook her head. ‘I know my grandmother says she feels the same at seventy-eight as she did at eighteen. She Skyped me yesterday and was going on about how her body is letting her down because she can’t run up the stairs any more but her mind’s as sharp as ever.’ She smiled.
‘Your grandmother Skyped you?’
‘Oh yes!’ Fran nodded, causing her silver and amethyst earrings to sway. ‘Since Dad went back out to Italy, he’s got Nonna Gandolfini using every technological device possible. She’s madly in love with her voice-activated virtual assistant.’ Her dark blue eyes twinkled.
‘I’ll have to see if I can get Granny to try out some new technology. Dad said she loves online shopping, but I don’t think she’s tried video calls yet.’ Holly tried to picture her granny using Skype or FaceTime, but it wasn’t easy.
‘You should.’ Fran sipped her wine. ‘How long are you back?’
Holly glanced at Rich, then back at Fran, two of the people she’d cared about most in the whole world but who were now like strangers. She’d been away for less than a year, yet it could have been a lifetime for the gulf it had created between them.
‘I’m not sure.’ She didn’t want to commit to anything yet, had tried not to make any decisions.
‘And you have a baby?’ Fran frowned, hurt clouding her eyes.
Heat crawled up Holly’s throat and into her cheeks.
‘Yes.’
‘Well that’s something you kept to yourself.’
Holly winced at Fran’s bluntness, but she knew her friend was right. They’d been so close, but she hadn’t contacted Fran at all while she’d been away.
‘Uh… I’d better be going.’ Rich stood up and shifted from one foot to the other while running a finger under his shirt collar. Panic filled Holly. He couldn’t leave now, not when they had so much to discuss.
‘Can’t you stay for a while?’ she asked, hating the desperation in her tone. But she wanted to get this over and done with, couldn’t bear the thought of it hanging over her for another hour, let alone another day or longer.
‘I can’t. I’m sorry. I need… some time to think.’ He stared at her hard and she understood. He needed to process what she’d told him before he did anything. It was a shock for him, of course it was, and coming on the back of their difficult break-up and subsequent estrangement…
‘I’ll see you soon?’ she asked, filling her eyes with meaning.
‘Yes. Let me give you my number and you can text me yours.’
He scribbled on the back of an envelope that was propped up next to the kettle, then handed it to Holly.
‘It’s good to see you, Rich.’ Fran smiled. ‘Your mum said you’ve been busy with a new job.’
‘Yes. That’s right. With an accountancy firm in Newquay. We’ll have to catch up.’ He turned to Holly. ‘I’ll see you soon. The sooner the better, I think.’ He gave her a small nod, then walked away.
Holly bit down on her bottom lip. Too many things were happening here and she didn’t know which fire to try to extinguish first. Rich was absolutely bewildered at the bomb she’d dropped on him, and although Holly was still mad as hell at him for what he’d done last summer, she also felt guilty that he’d been oblivious to Luke’s existence. On top of that, Fran was clearly still smarting from being abandoned. Holly had made such a mess of everything, and she felt like running up to her room, slamming the door and hiding under the duvet. But that was something for her teenage self; she was an adult now and she had to face up to what she’d done.
‘Fran… I know I owe you an explanation. I’m so sorry for running off and not contacting you.’
Fran sipped her drink, eyeing Holly over the top of her glass.
‘I’m just glad you’re all right,’ she said eventually. ‘You’re one of my oldest friends and I care about you.’ She ran her free hand over her short red-brown hair, then sighed. ‘I can’t believe you have a baby and I didn’t know anything about it. Is it a boy or a girl?’
‘A boy.’
At that moment, the lights on the monitor flickered and Luke let out a squawk.
‘And it seems he’s hungry. Want to meet him?’
Fran nodded enthusiastically.
‘Come on then.’
As Holly weaved through the bodies in the dining room, then climbed the stairs to her old room, she let the guilt settle on her shoulders. Running away had seemed like the only option last summer, but now that she was back, she had some bridges to build.
She just hoped her friends and family would be able to forgive her.
Most of all, she hoped Rich could cope with the information she’d just divulged, because if he couldn’t, she had no idea where to go from here.
Chapter 3
‘He’s beautiful!’ Fran smiled as Holly lifted her son out of the cot.
‘I think so, but then I’m biased.’
‘How old is he?’
‘Fourteen weeks.’
‘So is he…’ Fran bit her bottom lip and Holly knew what her friend wanted to ask.
‘He is. I’ve just told Rich… He didn’t know before. It’s complicated, but we haven’t had a chance to speak about it properly yet, so please—’
‘Of course I won’t say anything. It’s not my place to. But then… you must have been pregnant when you left?’
‘I was but I didn’t know it. Because of my polycystic ovaries, I rarely had periods anyway, so I had no idea anything was wrong. I felt a bit under the weather but blamed a cold, then the stress of me and Rich breaking up. Look, I need to make Luke a bottle, so let’s get him downstairs and we can talk more.’
Fran squeezed Holly’s arm. ‘We won’t have an opportunity to talk downstairs. As soon as people see Luke, they’ll be all over you like a rash. Let me give him a cuddle now and we can get together at the weekend or something and have a proper chat.’
Holly handed Luke over, and Fran cooed at him until he grabbed hold of one of her earrings.
‘Here, let me help you.’ Holly gently prised Luke’s fingers from the antique silver drops, then took him back. ‘He clearly likes your choice of jewellery.’
‘He has good taste then.’ Fran chuckled. ‘Don’t fancy having my ears torn in half, though.’ She removed her earrings and tucked them into a pocket, then held out her arms again. ‘You get his bottle ready and I’ll bring him down.’
‘I did try to feed him myself.’ Holly felt the old urge to explain herself emerging. ‘It was all I heard when I was pregnant – how important it was to breastfeed and give the baby the milk my body had made especially for him. He was born prematurely, and I did express milk at the hospital, which they gave to him in tiny bottles. I fed him for six weeks after taking him home, then I developed mastitis and it was agony. I was in tears all the time. After three rounds of antibiotics, I gave up and put him back on the bottle.’
‘Holly.’ Fran looked her straight in the eye. ‘Is this baby fed, warm and safe?’
‘Well… yes. Of course.’
‘Then stop beating yourself up about breastfeeding.’
‘I can’t help it. He’s still so young, and every time I see a woman feeding her child, or read something about it, I feel so guilty that I can’t do it properly.’
‘You’re doing the best you can. My mother told me that she fed me until I was seven months old, but I know some women who popped their babies straight on the bottle, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. You gave Luke a damned good start, so please don’t be so hard on yourself.’
‘Oh Fran, I’ve missed you.’
And she had. She’d missed her practical, no-nonsense approach to life, missed her reassurance and her hugs. Fran had always been able to make her feel better about things.
‘I’ve missed you too.’ Hurt crossed Fran’s face again, and Holly’s heart lurched.
‘I need to explain some things to you, and I hope that when I do, you’ll understand. There isn’t a good enough reason for running off and not contacting you, but I was a mess. Ironically, I needed your friendship and support more than ever, but I couldn’t ask for it. I had to cut myself off from everything at Greenacres and Penhallow Bay, and the only contact I had was with my dad.’
‘I know. I asked him about you and he told me you were well but that you needed some time out. He was very good and didn’t give anything away about where you were or about Luke.’
Fran moved Luke onto her hip, then took Holly’s hand.
‘You’re here now and you’re safe and well. I can see that you’ve had your hands full. Besides which, you’ve just lost your grandpa and I don’t want you feeling bad about me today of all days. I’m fine; I survived. But please promise me one thing.’
‘Of course.’
‘Don’t run off again… at least not without letting me know how to get hold of you.’
Holly took a deep breath. ‘I promise you, I won’t.’
It was a promise she intended to keep.
* * *
Holly gave the bottle one more shake, then tested the heat of the milk on her wrist. It was perfect. She walked to the door, and froze as Lucinda Turner filled the doorway.
‘Hello, Holly.’
‘Lucinda.’ She pulled herself up to her full height. She didn’t want any conflict, but this was her home, and if Lucinda wanted a repeat performance of last year, then Holly had a few things to say in return.
‘I’m very sorry for your loss, Holly.’
‘Uh… thanks.’ Holly recalled seeing Lucinda at the church, noticing the question in her eyes when she’d looked at Luke. Then she remembered the last time Lucinda had spoken to her before that, and she shivered.
‘He was a good man, your grandpa.’
Holly nodded.
‘I see congratulations are in order too.’ Lucinda’s brown eyes fixed on the bottle in Holly’s hand.
Holly could sense the questions bubbling. No doubt Lucinda thought she had got together with someone else as soon as she’d split up from Rich. It hurt her to feel that this woman who she’d spent so much time with, who she’d once cared about and respected, could believe that of her.
‘It’s not how it looks, Lucinda.’
‘It’s not for me to judge you.’ Rich’s mother shook her head sadly.
‘Judge me?’ The words were out before she could stop herself. She swallowed hard, pushing down the rest of what she wanted to say. The last time she had seen Lucinda, the older woman had judged her very harshly indeed.
‘Here he is!’ Fran squeezed past Lucinda with Luke in her arms, and Holly sagged with relief at the interruption. ‘He says he wants his bottle pronto.’
Fran pulled out a chair at the kitchen table, then shifted Luke around in her arms, as naturally as though she held babies every day. Holly handed her the bottle and Luke started to feed, gazing up at Fran as he did so, as if he’d known her all his short life. He was so trusting, such a happy, settled baby, and Holly knew she was lucky in that respect. It could have been very different if he’d been born even earlier, or if he’d not been as strong as he was.
She pulled out a chair and sank onto it, wishing she could go and lie down, but with Lucinda in the room, her fight-or-flight instinct was on high alert. Lucinda crossed the kitchen and crouched down in front of Fran.
‘He’s perfect.’ She stroked Luke’s cheek gently, which made Holly bristle. If Holly hadn’t been good enough for Lucinda’s son, would she think the same of her child? But then, as she watched, Lucinda’s eyes filled with tears. ‘He looks so much like…’
‘I know.’ Holly nodded. She’d seen the photographs, had known Rich and his brother Dean as children. Of course she was aware that Luke was the image of them. ‘He’s Rich’s son.’
She had wondered about telling Lucinda when she saw her, had wondered if the woman would even want to know, but witnessing her reaction to Luke had made the decision easy. In spite of how badly Lucinda had treated her the last time she’d come to Greenacres, it was clear now that meeting her grandson had moved her.
Fran looked up and met Holly’s eyes.
‘Tell you what,’ she said. ‘I think he needs changing. I’ll just pop him upstairs.’
Holly smiled her thanks, then she and Lucinda were left alone.
‘I can hardly believe what’s happened to us all,’ Lucinda said as she sat down. ‘What a mess we’ve made of things.’
‘Lucinda… I’ve only just told Rich about Luke. It’s a difficult situation and I hope you’ll understand that I couldn’t tell you before. After the way you spoke to me last year…’
‘I know, and I am truly sorry. I was so angry and upset when Rich left that I couldn’t think straight.’
Holly’s stomach was somersaulting with anxiety, but she knew she had to get the conversation over with or she’d never be able to relax in Penhallow Sands. She’d learnt the hard way that delaying difficult conversations didn’t always help. She’d been afraid of what her grandpa would think about Luke, and afraid of how Lucinda and Rex would treat her and her son, so she hadn’t come home; and because of that, she hadn’t been able to hug her grandpa again or kiss him goodbye.
‘Lucinda, I was broken-hearted when Rich let me down the way he did, and then to have you coming here and saying such hurtful things was like having vinegar poured over a wound.’ Holly’s stomach churned at the memory of Lucinda standing at the back door, her eyes red and puffy, her hands planted firmly on her ample hips. When Holly had answered the door, she’d expected Lucinda to hug her and cry with her because Rich had left, but instead she’d been subjected to a tirade in which Lucinda had blamed her for the fact that
her only surviving son had upped and left without an explanation.
Lucinda shook her head sadly and released a deep sigh.
‘Holly, I know the truth now. I know it wasn’t your fault at all.’
‘Rich told you?’
‘He did. He told me that he let you down by not turning up at the solicitor’s office to sign the contracts for the cottage, then when you tracked him down, he hurt you even more.’
‘I wanted to explain to you that I hadn’t made him leave, that I loved him and that he’d broken my heart, but you—’
‘I blamed you because it was easier; because I couldn’t bear thinking that my only son had left me and his dad. I didn’t mean what I said.’
Holly nodded, but the pain ran deep. She’d known Lucinda throughout her childhood, as she and Rich had been good friends long before there was anything romantic between them. Lucinda had tended to Holly’s cut knees, hugged her when she’d cried over losing her mum and taken her shopping so they could enjoy girlie days out together. Then, that awful day, she had told Holly that she was to blame for Rich leaving the village, that she had never been good enough for him and that she never wanted to see her again.
‘When I found out I was pregnant, I fell apart. I had no idea what to do. In the past, I’d have come to you and asked your advice. Especially in light of the fact that Luke is your grandson. But because of what you’d said, I had no idea if you’d even care. I thought about coming back to Greenacres so many times, but the knowledge of how much you hated me was one of the things that kept me away.’
Lucinda’s mouth was open and tears were running freely down her cheeks.
‘There’s no excuse for what I did, Holly.’
‘I do understand that you lost your son, and that made certain things harder for you…’
‘No. That was why I reacted as I did, but to treat you so appallingly – a young woman who was like a daughter to me – was inexcusable, and I understand if you can’t forgive me. It took me a while to realize what a mistake I’d made, and it wasn’t until Rich came home and explained everything that I understood how bad that mistake was. But love, please believe me when I say that I never hated you.’
The House at Greenacres Page 3