He’d known he had feelings for Holly, but his issues had prevented him from opening his heart properly. Seeing her now, with his child and his parents, and being able to fully appreciate what a strong woman she was brought everything to the surface.
Whether or not she would ever care about him again as she once had remained to be seen. They reached the end of the field and the hedgerow thickened as they neared the stile. Rich waited for Holly to climb over, then followed her, his new-found knowledge settling in his stomach like a lead weight.
He had lost something very precious when he let Holly go.
They could never go back to how things had been, and it wouldn’t be right to want that, but he felt certain that they could move forward and create something different, something new – in whatever form that might be.
* * *
Holly had known where they were going, but even so, when she climbed over the stile and saw the little cottage, with its stunning sea view and glorious surroundings, her breath caught in her throat.
She hadn’t come back here since that day, and hadn’t thought she ever would.
But then she hadn’t even known if she would return to Greenacres, and look at how that was working out.
Rich joined her again and they waded through the long grass, descending gradually until they reached the point where the land evened out. The gravel road that ran past the cottage clearly hadn’t been used in some time, as weeds and grass were reclaiming it, poking up through the stones of various shapes and sizes.
The closer they got, the faster her heart pounded, and the more she wondered if this was a good idea. Surely too many emotions had been played out here: love, hope, passion, sadness, anger and despair. And yet seeing the old stone cottage again brought whispers of hope to her heart. She’d once loved this place so much, adored its fat chimney, blue shutters and small-paned windows set into thick walls. It was so sturdy and strong, a fortress against the elements. It had a dry-stone wall at the front, creating a small square garden that had once boasted beautiful borders full of flowers. As she looked at the borders now, her heart sank to see them choked with weeds and litter, cider cans and cigarette packets – likely left there by teenagers from the village.
The path leading from the wooden gate to the cottage was also strewn with weeds. One of the front windows had three broken panes, and the shutter to the right hung from its hinges at an awkward angle, as if someone had tried to rip it off.
They reached the gate and Holly felt Rich’s hand on her shoulder.
‘Are you okay?’
She nodded.
‘Do you want to go in?’
She turned to him.
‘Not really. I don’t think so, anyway. What would be the point?’
The air between them fizzed with tension, buzzing with unsaid words, with wasted time.
A crack of thunder overhead made them jump, and Holly screeched. When she realized what had happened, she started to laugh.
‘That was really loud.’ Rich laughed with her.
Then it came, as it often did so close to the sea.
‘Rain!’
Large droplets pelted them as if the heavens had quite literally opened directly above them, and within seconds, they were soaked. Lightning flashed, too close for comfort, and thunder boomed again.
‘Come on.’ Rich grabbed Holly’s hand and led her through the gate and up the path to the front door. He tried the handle, but it was locked, so he gently pushed her further under the porch roof so that her back was against the front door. ‘Wait here.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’ll be back in a few minutes.’ He disappeared around the side of the building.
The rain had come so quickly that Holly hadn’t pulled her hood up or zipped her jacket, and now the front of her top was wet, and rain had trickled down her neck and into the back of her jeans. She was cold, and it was a fair walk back to the vineyard. In any case, it wouldn’t be a good idea to venture out until the storm had blown over.
Panic rose inside her as she thought about Luke; she’d never been separated from him before, except for the evening she’d gone to Fran’s. But no… Luke would be fine; he was with his doting grandparents and had everything he needed, except for her. Irritation niggled as she questioned her decision to walk here with Rich. What had she been thinking?
A noise behind her made her turn to face the door, which opened, revealing Rich.
‘How did you…’
‘They key was still under the plant pot next to the back door. I’m surprised the local kids haven’t been inside, but it looks pretty tidy in there, to be honest.’
Holly entered the hallway and closed the door behind her.
‘This feels wrong.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, it’s breaking and entering.’
‘No one’s lived here in ages.’
‘I know, but someone still owns it.’
‘Someone who doesn’t care that much about it.’
The air in the hallway was stale and damp, as if it hadn’t been disturbed in months. It reminded Holly of the old church hall, which smelt that way even thought it was used quite regularly.
To their left and right were two reception rooms, straight ahead was the staircase and beyond that the kitchen. Holly could have found her way around blindfolded; the layout was emblazoned on her mind. She’d walked through the cottage so many times in her imagination, thinking of colour schemes and picturing how happy they would be when it became their home. She’d thought about how she would furnish the reception rooms, the three double bedrooms, the hallway and the kitchen. She’d even been to the DIY superstore and picked out paint. Rich had let her go that far, then torn her dreams to shreds. Anger flickered inside. Why had he been so cruel?
‘Come through to the kitchen and I’ll see if I can light a fire.’
She nodded, unable to speak, and followed him, watching as he rooted around in the kitchen cupboards for some matches. Eventually he located a box in the cupboard under the sink, then knelt in front of the grate and peered up the chimney.
‘I think it’s clear enough up there, but we’ll soon see.’
‘It would have been swept about a year ago, wouldn’t it?’ She found her voice and tried to unclench her jaw to get the words out clearly. ‘I’m sure I recall the estate agent saying something about it having been done before they put the cottage on the market.’
‘It might be all right then.’
Rich had already found some old newspapers, and there were logs in the bucket next to the fireplace. While he lit the fire, Holly pulled two chairs over from the table in the corner. The previous owner had left some furniture in the property. Holly had thought it had a certain charm, and suspected some of it might be antique. It would at least have helped to create that eclectic feel that she liked in properties, where things didn’t match but rather worked together to create a cosy, homely feel. The table and chairs were solid and built to last, not like some of the flimsy designer furniture she’d seen in shops and online.
Rich came and sat next to her and they gazed at the fire, watching as the flames licked at the dry logs and soon took hold, coaxing the wood into creating heat that spread out into the room.
‘We should soon dry off.’
‘Not if we go back out in that.’ Holly nodded at the window, where the rain was coming down in sheets so thick that the back garden was a complete blur.
‘Guess we’d better stay here for a bit, at least until the storm blows over.’
‘I could always ring Dad and ask him to come for us.’
‘What and disturb his baby-chair building?’
‘You’re right.’ Holly nodded. ‘He’s probably having a great time.’
‘Might be best if they don’t know that we came here anyway.’ Rich worried his bottom lip.
‘Why did we come here?’ Holly tried to push her anger away. It clouded her judgement and wouldn’t help with working out a way
for Rich to be Luke’s dad.
He stood up and removed his jacket, then hung it over the back of the chair before sitting back down again. He looked around the kitchen and Holly followed his gaze, taking in the cupboard doors that would have looked at home in a wartime drama, the flagstone floor that needed a good sweep and the apron-fronted sink with a big crack in the front. It needed some TLC, and Holly had once thought that she and Rich would be the ones to provide that care and attention.
‘Holly… I wanted to bring you here to say sorry.’
‘You’ve already apologized, Rich.’
She was glad that he had said sorry, but she also felt that words would never be able to take away the hurt she had felt. It would be Rich’s actions from now on that would matter, and that would take time.
‘I have… but I have more to say. Far more, in fact.’
Holly shivered.
‘Are you cold?’
‘A bit.’
‘Take your jacket off and you’ll dry quicker.’
She knew he was right, but exposing the bare skin of her arms to the air went against her instinct to hunch over and stay under that extra layer.
‘I’ve seen it on survival programmes, I promise.’
Holly reluctantly removed her coat and hung it over the back of the chair as Rich had done, then shuffled closer to the fire. Rich did the same and reached out to her.
‘What’re you doing?’ She bristled.
‘Body heat. It’ll help.’
‘No… I don’t…’
Even as she protested, she knew he was right, and although she didn’t think they were in danger of suffering from hypothermia, she was very cold. If she could just push her pain aside for a moment, she could allow Rich close to warm her up.
A voice at the back of her mind screamed that it was foolish, but her chattering teeth silenced it.
* * *
Rich couldn’t believe he was holding Holly again. His heart was pounding and his mouth had dried up completely. He wanted to tell her again how sorry he was, but he didn’t know if he’d be able to speak at all. So for a while he simply held her close, leaning his chin on the top of her head and just enjoying being with her. This was how it should have been; he should have been living here in this cottage with her and Luke now, a happy family under their own pretty little roof.
He’d been such an idiot.
‘Holly…’ His voice emerged as barely more than a whisper. ‘That day last year… your grandpa’s birthday. I was wrong to leave.’
She moved away slightly so she could look at him.
‘Why did you go?’
‘It had been building for a while. I think it was the anniversary looming and the fact that my life was moving on that meant I just lost it.’
Her eyes were filled with pain as they roamed his face. ‘I can understand that, of course I can, but I would have helped you if you’d spoken to me. If you’d shared your feelings honestly rather than shutting down.’
He sighed, wishing she’d snuggle into him again, yearning for her to make the sadness vanish for a while as only she could.
‘I know I should have spoken to you about it, but I was so wrapped up in my own grief and guilt that I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t vocalize how I felt.’
‘But you can now?’
‘I’ve been learning how to talk about it. I’m not fully comfortable with it, but I’m trying to be more open.’
Holly watched him, her eyes wary.
‘When I left, I went to Ibiza thinking I’d have a lads’ holiday, that I’d drink and party and forget, but it didn’t quite work like that.’
She had stiffened in his arms.
‘I met Sam out there and—’
‘Oh.’ Holly dropped her gaze to the fire and he watched as the glow flickered across her features, highlighting the curves of her cheekbones and making shadowy hollows of her eyes.
‘She’s been good to me. She’s worked with mental health charities and has experience as a counsellor herself, and she seemed to understand what I was going through—’
‘And I didn’t?’ Holly was on her feet now, her arms folded tightly across her chest. ‘I was there all the time, Rich, or did you forget that? I saw how it affected you. I thought we had something good… It seems I was wrong.’
He shook his head. ‘No, you weren’t wrong at all. I cared for you, Holly, but sometimes it was as if we were too close to talk about it.’
‘Well you have Sam now, don’t you?’
Rich felt his jaw drop. ‘No! No… it’s not like that. Sam isn’t my girlfriend.’
‘Oh.’
‘You thought she was?’
Holly shrugged. ‘I wasn’t sure.’
‘She’s a friend, nothing more.’
‘It’s none of my business, Rich.’ Holly’s voice sounded flat, as if she couldn’t care one way or the other.
‘We knew each other from uni, then we bumped into each other in Ibiza and I stayed at her family’s villa. She helped me find a good counsellor, and I started unburdening myself. I couldn’t put it all on you, Hols. I felt weak for dealing with things so badly. I was full of self-loathing and it took me some time to come out of that. But now… I’m almost out the other side. I’m still sad, really sad that it happened, but I’m rebuilding, and coming home was the first step in my recovery. I needed a break, to escape Penhallow Sands for a while, but the way I did it was wrong.’
Holly rubbed her eyes.
‘Can you forgive me for being such an idiot?’
‘It’s not just about us now, Rich. We have to think about Luke, and I can’t have him hurt or messed around.’
‘I won’t hurt you… either of you.’
Holly took his hand and stepped towards him.
‘I’m not making any promises, Rich.’
‘I’m not asking you to. I just want to try to make it up to you in some way. I can’t bear to spend the rest of my life knowing that I hurt you and didn’t do anything to make it better.’
Rich didn’t know what he could do to prove himself, but he knew that he wanted to see Holly and their son happy and settled. He needed to work out how he could make that happen.
Holly walked to the window and peered out at the sky.
‘I think the rain has stopped.’
* * *
Holly slid her arms into her jacket. It wasn’t fully dry, but it was better than when they’d arrived at the cottage. Her head was muggy with emotion and she could have lain down on the floor, closed her eyes and slept. As Rich had held her in front of the fire, his strong arms wrapped around her, it would have been so easy to tilt her chin upwards and find his mouth with hers, to undress him slowly and make love to him.
Part of her wished that he’d take over and peel away her clothes, then kiss her as he used to do, but the other part – the sensible, rational part – was screaming at her to walk away and pull herself together. Rich might say that he’d changed – he certainly seemed genuine about it, and he had been through a dreadful experience that would test the strongest of people – but even so… he’d had so many chances to love her the way she wanted and deserved to be loved.
It was her fault too. She’d been a doormat, allowed things to drift without any real, solid commitment. Lots of couples moved in together far earlier than three years into their relationship. Of course, there had been Grandpa to think of, but she had stood up to him on that one, and Granny and Dad had reassured him that she and Rich had been together long enough to make an adult decision. Marriage hadn’t been something she’d worried about, but she had wanted to live with Rich and to have their own space where they could be alone together. They’d had the money saved for a deposit and the time had been right.
Then Rich had ruined it all.
Holly had had her own fears and sadness too. Losing her mum had rocked her world, and Rich had been there for her through that. She’d clung to him many times as she cried, and he’d made her mugs of hot chocolate in the early ho
urs when she’d woken in tears, having dreamt that her mum was there before realizing she was gone. Rich had been a friend and a lover; he’d been, in many ways, her rock. But when it came down to it, he just couldn’t give her the commitment and stability she craved.
That was why she’d been so confused about him, and about them. He’d said he couldn’t commit, but he’d been there. Always.
Until that day.
And now he was asking for a chance to prove himself. He said he’d been working things through, that with Sam’s help he’d begun the healing process in Ibiza. It hurt that Sam had been able to do what Holly hadn’t, but perhaps he had needed the space to pour his feelings out in different surroundings. Holly was caught in a paradox of emotion. On one hand, she felt jealous that another woman had helped Rich. On the other hand, she was grateful to Sam because Rich had needed support.
And now… He wasn’t asking Holly to move in with him or to marry him, or for any type of commitment other than allowing him to be a part of Luke’s life.
She would give him the chance to be a father to Luke; it was what they both deserved. As for herself, she didn’t know if she’d ever be able to trust Rich with her heart again. He’d said he wanted to make it up to her, that he couldn’t bear to know he’d hurt her and not put things right. But she had no idea what to expect from him. She’d thought she’d known him once. She’d been wrong.
She didn’t know if she could open herself up enough to love him again.
Chapter 13
The next five days passed in a haze of establishing a new routine for Luke, a routine that involved having more people around in new surroundings. It was wonderful to have helping hands and people to go to for advice, and Holly could see that Luke was enjoying it too. His little face lit up whenever her dad or Granny spoke to him, and when Rich popped round in the evenings after work to see his son, it lifted her heart. Not long ago, she’d wondered if Luke would even know his father, but now he saw him every day. She even found herself looking forward to Rich’s visits.
The House at Greenacres Page 14