by Janie Crouch
“This is aspirin, baby. It will help your fever go down and make you feel better.”
“Okay.” She opened her mouth for first the pills then the water. “Sleepy,” she murmured, then almost immediately slumped back against him again. Cameron took a sip of the water himself then recapped the bottle and returned it to his backpack. He zipped it up so it would be ready to go if they had to leave in a hurry.
“That’s fine, go back to sleep.” Cameron couldn’t blame Sophia for wanting sleep. God knew the past few days hadn’t held much sleep for her—for both good reasons and bad. A few hours of rest would probably do him some good, too. Cameron felt his eyes grow heavy as he snuggled Sophia more firmly in his arms.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Cameron awoke suddenly. He held himself perfectly still. Something had definitely disturbed his subconscious. Had Smith’s men found them? He reached over and grasped the SIG he had left lying on top of the backpack.
After a few moments he realized it wasn’t a noise outside that had woken him, it was Sophia’s labored breathing.
“Soph, are you awake?” He felt her forehead with his hand. She seemed much cooler than she had before they had fallen asleep, her fever much lower. But there was something definitely wrong.
“Yes,” she said curtly. Cameron could feel tension bowing her body.
“What’s wrong? Is it your arm? Are you sick?”
“I…I…” She couldn’t seem to get the words out.
“Is it pain?” Cameron wished he had something stronger to give her. He tried to get her to look at him, but she seemed focused on the entrance to the cave, staring at it intently. “Did you hear something? See one of Smith’s men?”
Sophia shook her head, but tension fairly radiated from her. She was clutching at his hands and arms, which were wrapped around her, her breath sawing in and out of her chest, the sound loud in the cave, even with the rain. “What is it, Soph? Tell me, please.” Cameron didn’t know what to do to help her if he couldn’t figure out the problem.
“I can’t breathe.” She finally got the sentence out.
Cameron cursed under his breath. He had completely forgotten about Sophia’s claustrophobia. Evidently she had been too sick to notice the small confines of the cave when he’d pulled them in a few hours ago, but now that she was feeling better…
Cameron immediately released her, unwrapping his arms from around her body so she could move if she needed to. She slid away from him, her eyes still focused on the small entrance to the cave.
“Soph, it’s okay. C’mon, let’s go back outside.” There was no point in making her suffer in here even if it was still raining out there.
Sophia nodded tersely and started scooting toward the entrance. Cameron went with her in case she needed any help. They were almost to the small entrance when Cameron heard it. Some of Smith’s men talking. Right outside of where he and Sophia were hidden.
If she went out now, it would mean death for both of them.
Cameron knew not to grab Sophia, but he doubted she heard the men talking over her own labored breathing. He scampered around so he was in front of Sophia and they were face-to-face. She immediately began to go around him so she could get to the entrance he blocked.
“Sophia, look at me, sweetheart.” She glanced at him for just a second before her eyes darted back to the entrance. Cameron reached out and as gently as he could, careful not to restrain her in any way, put his hands on both her cheeks. “Sophia, Smith’s men are right outside. If you go out there now, they’re going to kill both of us.”
Cameron watched, heartbroken, as Sophia’s eyes darted back and forth frantically between him and the cave entrance. But at least she stopped moving toward it.
“That’s right, sweetie,” Cameron murmured. “Just look at me. Watch me breathing. There’s plenty of air in here. Plenty. Can you feel the breeze?”
Sophia nodded hesitantly. Cameron stayed right in front of her, his face only inches from hers. “Breathe with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”
For long minutes they stayed frozen right there doing just that. Cameron could hear Smith’s men still nearby, and kept his SIG ready in his hand in case he needed it. Why were the men concentrating so hard on this area? Why hadn’t they moved on? If Cameron hadn’t taken the time to camouflage the entrance to the cave, the men probably would’ve found them already.
But at least Sophia didn’t seem about to rush out there and announce their presence any longer.
“I think I’m okay,” she whispered.
“You’re doing great. You’re amazing. Courageous.” Cameron trailed his finger down Sophia’s cheek.
“Yeah. It’s amazing that a grown woman gets freaked out in a place that obviously has plenty of oxygen and almost gets us both killed. So courageous.” She turned away, disgusted with herself.
“Hey,” he said, grabbing her before she could get far. “Courage isn’t about not having fears. It’s about how you handle the ones you do have. You were panicked, but you got yourself under control.”
Sophia shook her head and refused to look at him. “No, you don’t get it. It’s taking everything I’ve got right now not to burst through that entrance. I’m still not sure I’m going to be able to keep myself from doing it.”
“Soph, look at me.” He didn’t think she was going to, but she finally did. “Even if you handle it one second at a time, you’re still handling it. That’s all anybody can ask.”
Cameron could tell she still wasn’t convinced. He cupped her cheeks with his hands again. “I don’t care if you can see it or not. You’re still amazing.” He brought his lips down to hers.
Cameron worried for just a moment that kissing her wasn’t a good idea—what if this just compounded her claustrophobia? But the way she kissed him back eliminated those fears quickly.
When they broke apart Sophia’s features were a little less pinched. She still constantly glanced over at the entrance, but didn’t seem quite so much as if she was going to bolt for it at any moment.
“I wasn’t always claustrophobic, you know,” Sophia whispered. “Just since the car accident.”
“What accident? Did someone hit you? Was it bad?”
Her eyes darted to him briefly. “Yeah, it was pretty bad.” Cameron could see tension heightening in her again. He was about to change the subject when she spoke again. “But no, nobody hit me. I was driving alone—too fast—and I was upset. It was raining and I took a curve too hard and went over an embankment.”
That was much worse than Cameron had thought. “That sounds pretty awful. How badly were you hurt?”
Sophia didn’t say anything for a while then started wiggling around. Cameron realized she was trying to take off her sweatshirt, although he had no idea why. He helped her slip it off. “Thanks,” she told him. “Being cold actually helps me to feel like there’s more air. Totally a mental thing, but…” She shrugged. “As for injuries…broke my femur, a couple of ribs, pretty heavy concussion.”
Cameron’s breath whistled out through his teeth. He’d had no idea. They sat in silence for a few moments before she continued. “When my car went over the embankment it rolled over multiple times.” Sophia swallowed hard. “It finally stopped when it hit a tree. It completely crushed in the passenger side of the front seat, and I was trapped. Fortunately, another car saw me go over and called 911, but it took them a while to get the emergency vehicles there. I was hard to get to.”
Cameron could see Sophia doing a breathing exercise as she told her story—in through her nose, out through her mouth. “I was trapped there about two hours—although believe me when I say it felt much longer. The car had crushed around me, and I was pretty sure I was going to die. I kept hyperventilating and passed out a couple times, which was a blessing, until I woke back up to that enclosed s
pace.”
Cameron understood now why she had panicked waking up in the cave—too much like waking up in that car. “I’m so sorry, Soph.” He’d come so close to losing her. Cameron had to touch her; he couldn’t help himself. He put his arm around and scooted as close to her as possible, relieved when she didn’t move away. He put his face against her neck and breathed in her scent.
He’d almost lost her, and he’d never even known.
Sophia leaned in closer to him. “Physical injuries were pretty bad—I was in the hospital for about a week. It was a long recovery, lots of PT. But I found the mental issues, this overwhelming claustrophobia, to be ongoing. I’ve been seeing a therapist once a week for almost five years. You’d think I’d have made more progress, right?” Sophia smiled ruefully.
Cameron felt as if he had been punched in the gut. She’d been seeing a therapist for five years? He thought the accident had happened recently. If she had been in therapy for five years then…
“Soph, when did the accident happen?”
Cameron could feel Sophia’s attempt to huddle into herself. Silence, except for the rain and an occasional sound from one of Smith’s men, surrounded them. Cameron thought maybe she wasn’t going to answer—which was an answer in and of itself.
“The day after you left,” she finally whispered.
Cameron struggled to keep himself under control. He wanted to punch the nearest wall or howl in some primitive rage. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Sophia had been upset because he had left and then she had been in a life-threatening accident. Cameron moved away from Sophia, trying to process it all and his obvious blame in it. Cameron couldn’t seem to figure out how to form words. What could he say anyway?
“Soph, I’m so sorry. How can you not hate me?”
Sophia reached over and grabbed his hand. “It wasn’t your fault, Cam. Just a really poor set of circumstances—bad weather, bad emotional state, bad road to be driving on. Bad luck all the way around.”
Cameron shook his head. Maybe Sophia had come to that point, but he couldn’t—not yet anyway. He thought of after the accident; Sophia had no family, no one to help take care of her. And he hadn’t been around, had actually made sure he was completely unreachable, when she needed him most. Had she tried to contact him? Even if she had wanted to, he had left her no information whatsoever.
“Soph, I’m so sorry,” he repeated. Although how could words ever make up for what had happened? He couldn’t believe Sophia was willing to even sit here holding his hand. Willing to be with him in any shape or fashion after what had happened.
Sophia turned more fully toward him. Cameron found he couldn’t quite meet her eyes. “Cameron Branson, look at me,” she told him and he did, reluctantly. There was no trace of claustrophobic panic in her features now. Just gritty determination. “What happened, happened. The accident was not your fault.”
“But—” Cameron began. Sophia put her hand over his mouth.
“No ‘buts,’” she said, and, miracle of all miracles, actually smiled. “I’ll admit, I was mad for a while—at you, at circumstances, at life in general. But I became stronger because of it all.” She gestured around the cave. “And yeah, I still struggle with claustrophobia, probably always will. But I’m learning how to work through each situation one at a time. It’s like someone once told me, ‘Courage isn’t about not having fears. It’s about how you handle the ones you do have.’”
Even with Sophia parroting his words back to him, Cameron was going to need more time to process all this. And they were definitely going to need to talk about it more. Sophia had had five years to come to peace with it, but it was a new and gut-wrenching blow to Cameron. But one thing was becoming more and more clear to him: when this op was complete, things were definitely not going to be over between he and Sophia. He wasn’t sure he was ever going to have the strength to walk away from her again.
He just prayed, after everything that had happened, he could talk her into allowing him into her life permanently. Because he didn’t think he could live without her.
He looked at Sophia more closely. Her face had lost the tension. Her breaths were slow and easy. “You seem to be doing okay right now.”
“It’s like my therapist says—sometimes it’s just about refocusing. In the middle of a panic attack that can be difficult to do.” She shrugged and smiled. “But I’m learning.”
Cameron couldn’t help it. He reached over and kissed her again. He didn’t care about Smith’s men outside or the rain or their dire situation. He just had to have Sophia in his arms right damn now. When they broke apart they were both breathing hard.
“Now, that’s what I call refocusing.” Her eyes all but sparkled. “I’ll have to remember this next time I’m having issues.”
Cameron pulled Sophia closer to him, loving the way she snuggled into his side. Her breathing was calm and even now. They both watched the entrance of the cave, but not with any panic.
Every once in a while they could hear one of Smith’s men talking. Cameron grimaced. They were still around here. Why? Passing through in an effort to search for them—sure. But they seemed to be spending more time here than would be expected. And yet they couldn’t actually seem to find him and Sophia.
“Why are they still here?” Sophia evidently had the same thoughts as Cameron.
“I don’t know. Maybe we left more of a trail than I thought.” Cameron shrugged, trying to figure it out. “I covered the entrance pretty well, so unless they get right up to the overhang, they won’t see it. I hope.” He made sure his SIG was right beside him. It wouldn’t do them a whole lot of good, especially if they weren’t trying to take him and Sophia in alive, but it was better than nothing.
“Maybe they’ll start looking for us somewhere else soon.”
Cameron nodded. “I hope so. Getting to the landing strip in this weather will be hard enough without having Smith’s men standing right on top of us.”
“How long before we need to leave?”
“Pretty soon. It’s going to take us at least another couple of hours to get to the landing strip. My brother Dylan is coming with his plane to get you. I talked to him while you were asleep.”
“Where is he taking us?”
“He’s going to take you back to DC. But I’m not going with you. I have to get Ghost Shell to Omega Sector HQ.”
“Oh.” Sophia’s voice was small. “I guess that will be it, then.”
“You mean for us?”
Cameron could barely make out Sophia’s slight nod in the dimness of the cave. But he could definitely feel her easing away from him. He reached his arm around her and snatched her back to his side.
“As soon as I get Ghost Shell settled and am debriefed you can expect me to show up at your doorstep. Don’t doubt that.”
There was silence for long moments. “I want that, too, Cam, so much.” A huge but hung in the air between them. Sophia definitely had more to say and Cameron was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear it. Finally it came. “But I’m not sure our worlds blend. I’m not sure that we’re right for each other.”
Cameron had been right. He definitely didn’t want to hear this. Panic began to bubble up within him. “Soph…” He turned to her so he could look her in the eyes. “I know I hurt you before. I left and then the accident… I can never make up for not being there for you.”
“But that’s not really it, Cam.” Sophia made eye contact, then looked away. “I don’t expect you to make up for the past. The accident wasn’t your fault and even leaving wasn’t something you did to deliberately hurt me. The past is done, and we both have to move on. I’m talking about now.”
“Sophia…”
“Your world is dark,” she continued without letting him speak. “Your life—what you’ve chosen to do as an undercover agent—is so important and a
dmirable. But it scares me, Cam.” She gestured around the cave. “All of this scares the hell out of me. The girlfriend of an undercover agent needs to be braver than me, more capable than me.”
There were so many things Cameron wanted to say in response to that, he hardly knew where to begin. He barely refrained from rolling his eyes. “Are you kidding me? Sophia, you have been thrown into a situation here that is impossible. And without any training you’ve stepped up and done as well or better than many agents I’ve known.”
He grasped her chin to force her to look at him. “So I don’t want to hear you talking any more junk like that. There is not one instance in this entire situation that I’ve regretted your actions. Except for maybe when you came back for me that first night. That was stupid. But so, so brave.” He punctuated the sentence with light kisses on her lips. “And besides, I’m not asking you to become my undercover partner. I just want to be with you.”
Sophia gave him the sweetest, softest smile. Cameron could feel his heart squeezing in his chest. That smile. That was the one he wanted to wake up to every day for the rest of his life.
His own thought startled him. But then he realized the thought was exactly right: he didn’t want to spend another day without Sophia.
“What?” she asked. “Did you hear something? You got a panicked look for a second.”
Cameron smiled and kissed Sophia again. “Nope, no panic. Just reality shifting to the way it should be.”
“I don’t understand.” Confusion was clear in Sophia’s green eyes as she gazed up at him.
“I know.” He smiled. “Just don’t kick me out when I show up on your doorstep in a couple of days, okay?”
“Deal.” Sophia sighed and snuggled in toward him a bit. “Can we rest for a little longer? I’m still pretty tired for some reason.”
“For some reason?” Cameron reached over and smoothed a lock of hair on her forehead. “Your body has been battling through life-or-death situations for the past three days. You’ve hardly had any rest.” He grinned down at her. “Part of that is my fault, I’ll admit. Plus you have some sort of infection. How are you feeling?”