My eyes flick over to Della, who is looking to the side and biting her bottom lip. “Yeah, you can,” I point out.
“Nah, not really. You can try, but you can’t ever own another person. You can lay claim, but you don’t own them. You don’t own their thoughts, their feelings, no matter how hard you try. When he didn’t get what he wanted, pissed him off. He took it out on me, on his brother.”
Nodding, I decide not to comment. I have seen men at my father’s club stab each other over a hit of meth. I don’t know what they would do if one decided a woman was theirs and the other took her away.
“This doesn’t bother you?” Pinkie asks, her voice almost a whisper.
Pressing my lips together, I roll them a few times, then I lift a shoulder. “I don’t know. I don’t know that side of him, but my father’s club didn’t own women. Didn’t claim women. I mean, they picked Old Ladies, but sharing was pretty common.”
Della takes a step toward me. She sinks down on her haunches in front of me and looks into my eyes. “That’s not normal,” she says softly. “I mean, some people need it, but in general, not normal. I don’t want you to think that Jaguar is someone healthy you need to hitch your star to.”
I bristle at her words. Her man says her name in a warning tone, obviously thinking that she’s gone too far, probably reading my body language perfectly. I feel defensive, this man that they’re describing, I don’t know him. Not that I know Dylan really well, I don’t, but this man they describe just doesn’t fit him.
He literally saved me from being raped by a dozen men. I was naked on the table, minutes from being completely and totally violated to a point of no return, when he saved me. I saw the gun in his hand, he was going to shoot our way out if he had to.
“I don’t know the same man that you do,” I say.
My words are truthful and I mean them, every single one of them. She knows Jaguar, and maybe he did try to kill this man, his brother. I’m sure he did, but I don’t know that man.
I only know Dylan.
I know the man who was horrified by the way my father ran his club. I know the man who snuck Maci Marshall away. I know the man who promised me that I would not be raped by dozens of men, including my own father, and given to one of them to play with and destroy for the rest of my life.
“I only know the man who saved my life.”
JAGUAR
The doorknob wiggles and I turn around, my back leaning against the wall as I watch it open. My brows rise at the sight of who is visiting me. I wonder if this is it. Is this where and when I die? It would seem fitting. He should be the one to do it, after all.
“You got anything to say for yourself?” he asks.
Shaking my head, I know that I’ve already said my piece. I’m not sure what else he wants to hear from me. Maybe he wants me to go down on my knees and beg his forgiveness, beg for another chance at life.
I should.
But I won’t.
“She’s got it bad for you. Thinks you’re a hero. Even when I told her the truth, wouldn’t believe it.”
I close my eyes, my head falling backward with a thud against the wall. “Ain’t a hero,” I grunt.
“She thinks you are. What the fuck, man? What am I supposed to do about this shit?”
Arching a brow, I don’t answer him immediately. We watch one another, neither of us speaking for a long moment. Then finally, he clears his throat and shakes his head a couple of times.
“Got a wife and a baby, Jag. Got a whole brotherhood, one that you abandoned.”
“Thought she was going to be my wife, thought that was my baby,” I say.
Regret fills me.
I have never regretted anything as much as I do the months that I fucked with Della. The way I treated her. The way that I tried to control and own her. The way I mind-fucked her. I regret everything.
“Yeah,” he rasps. “I get that.”
“But she ain’t mine. That kid ain’t mine and oddly enough, the moment I sank my blade into Charm and ended her life, it all just went away. All that pain, all that need, all that blind rage—it vanished.”
“You vanished,” he points out.
Pushing off of the wall, I walk toward the window. Lifting my hands, I wrap my fingers around the bars again and look out at the now dusk desert. The sun is beginning to set and the sky is full of reds and purples. It’s fuckin’ gorgeous and I never thought I would miss it, but fucking hell, I did.
“I vanished. I did something unforgivable. I did it, but the act itself wasn’t what upset me as much as the fact that I allowed myself to be blinded by rage, to be manipulated into doing that to a man that is supposed to be my brother.”
He doesn’t speak right away and I don’t blame him. What do you even say to that? He should just kill me now, get it over with. Slow or fast, doesn’t matter anymore. I’m going to Hell, so it doesn’t matter how I get there, it’s the only place that will take me. There’s no spot for me anywhere else.
“Yeah, you did something really fucking shitty, hombre,” he says, his voice a deep rumble. “But I ain’t even mad anymore. I was pissed, but only because nobody knew where you were and I was worried about Della. Never really cared you did it, I understood why.”
Turning around, I shake my head, looking down at my feet before I lift my gaze to meet his. I hold his eyes for a long, silent moment. I hold them, then clear my throat before I speak.
“Understanding my reason doesn’t excuse my actions. I took an oath of brotherhood when I became a Beast and I fucked that up over cunt.”
He nods his head. “So you want me to end you? You saved that girl from a fate worse than death and you want me to end you?” he asks.
“I’ll take whatever punishment you deliver, however you deliver it.”
“What about that girl out there? She’s all alone now.”
Licking my lips, I press them together, and bite the inside of my cheek hard, tasting blood before I speak. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with her. What they should do with her. They can’t set her free, Riot will just find her. She has no money, no way to work, no ID, she ain’t even eighteen.
“I trust Dragon to take care of her. She’s innocent.”
“Is she? Riot’s kid. What if she’s doing exactly what you did? What if she’s here to report back to him? She could have played you. Women can do that, easy to fall right into their trap, you know that better than anyone.”
Anger fills me at the insinuation. The fact that he would think this girl who was about to be raped by not only her father’s entire club, but her father as well, would do anything to help them is disgusting.
“She’s not like them,” I grind out.
“Yeah? You sure about that? Been watching them for a while, know some of those bitches like that whole scene.”
Taking a few swift steps toward him, I let out a low growl. “One look in her eyes, the innocence oozes from her. She fucking delivers Meals on Wheels, fucker. She ain’t him.”
Reaching for his cut, I grab both sides and I give him a shake. He doesn’t even try to pull my hands from him, instead, his lips curve up into a smile.
“You like her.” He chuckles. “Not just like, but you want to keep her.”
Pushing away from him, I lift my hand and run my fingers through my long hair, tugging on the ends. “Don’t matter. She’s a kid and I’m a dead man walking.”
“Yeah, probably. But in two weeks she’ll be legal.”
“And I’ll be dead,” I say, my voice low and void of all emotion.
Eagle doesn’t stay for another moment, before I can even turn around to face him, he’s gone and the door is locked behind him.
Fuck.
I have to make sure that Pammy is taken care of when I’m gone. I have to. I can’t fuck over another woman. Not again. I’ve done that enough in my lifetime.
Chapter Four
JAGUAR
I watch the door, waiting to discover my doomed fate, hoping that they�
�ll at least reassure me that Pammy is going to be okay. I wish that I could have saved her earlier. Wish I could have taken the Punchers down by myself. I wish that I could have done a lot of shit, and I wish that I wouldn’t have done a lot too.
My life is full of nothing but regrets. I don’t think I’ve done one thing right. Not a single thing. Letting my head fall back against the wall, I feel and hear the thud, but don’t care. There’s no point to caring about much these days. Not really, not when I probably won’t live to see tomorrow.
The door opens and with it, I know my fate will be confirmed. Dragon stands with his gaze focused on mine, his face set in a hard expression, his jaw clenched, though mostly hidden by his dark, thick black beard.
“We’re ready,” he ominously announces.
Standing, I wipe my sweaty palms along the thighs of my jeans and clear my throat. Taking one step toward him, then another, I try not to think of this as what it is—dead man walking. That’s all I can think about, that’s all I’ve been able to think about since the moment I crossed the Arizona border.
I’m worthless just like my dad said that I was. I’m worthless, because I feel like running. I feel like getting as far away as fucking possible. I know deep down that it would do no good to run. I brought all of this on myself and I need to pay for what I’ve done.
I expect to be taken out to the warehouse, but I’m not. Instead, Dragon leads me into the conference room. Just like yesterday, the club is there, the members sitting around and just like yesterday, their glares tell me what their mouths don’t—they hate me.
They hate me and they have every right to. I don’t blame them at all. If the script was flipped and I was sitting on their side, I would hate me too. Everything that I have done is unforgivable.
I stop at the end of the table, knowing that I won’t be invited to sit down as I watch Dragon make his way toward the head of the table. He doesn’t sit either. Lifting the gavel, he raps it down on the wooden block, calling the meeting to order.
The men are quiet, the room completely still in silence as we all wait to see what Dragon is going to say. He clears his throat before he lifts his gaze to meet mine.
“A few months ago, I would have pulled the trigger myself and ended your life without a question,” Dragon begins. “Today, I’m more reluctant to do so. Not because I’m soft, but because you have proven yourself, and I’m torn. The way we found both you and Pamela, the way you protected her…”
Dragon jerks his chin toward Eagle, and I watch as he stands. “At the end of the day, your life is not mine to do with as I please. It’s not solely my decision to make. It’s become clear to me that the members of the club would like a more active role in the decision-making from now on.”
I hear a few of the guys grumble, though nothing audible, but I can’t look away from Dragon as he continues.
“We can start with Jaguar and what will happen with him. Originally, I thought to leave the decision on what was to become of Jaguar to only Eagle, but then I thought about it. His betrayal, though it only physically affected Eagle, it mentally affected all of us. This will be an open forum. We’ll all talk and then together make a decision that we can all agree on.”
I expect the room to erupt with talking, but nobody says a single word. Their attention shifts from Dragon to me, then slowly, as if they are one, back to Dragon.
“Take him back to his room so we can talk,” Eagle grunts.
A hand clamps around my bicep, the grip too hard, but I don’t fight it. There is no sense in fighting it, in fighting anything. I’m dragged away from church and I’m okay with that. Though, I wish Dragon would have just named the time, place, and how, so that I could stop thinking about my impending death.
I don’t get far from the conference room when I hear my name being called. I close my eyes, letting the sweet sound of her voice wash over me. The person at my back stops and I turn to see Pammy hurrying in my direction.
The look on her face makes me feel sick. My stomach twists at the sight of her expression. She’s so fucking good, she does not need to look at me the way that she does. She’s watching me with worried admiration. She thinks I’m good like her, but she doesn’t realize that I’m just as bad as her own fucking father, just in a different way.
“Are you okay?” she breathes as she arrives in front of me.
Dipping my chin, I hold her gaze with mine. “Yeah. You okay, babe?” I ask.
She presses her lips together, rolling them a few times and my dick twitches. Something it should absolutely not do when it comes to her. She’s twenty years younger than me. She’s here for safety, and I’m standing here trying to keep from getting wood.
I’m completely fucked up.
“I’m okay. I’m worried about you though.”
Her voice is just as soft and sweet as she is. She reaches for me and hesitantly touches my chest. I can feel her hand through my shirt. It feels like it’s scalding my skin. It’s the best sensation I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
I let out a hiss at the feeling, and my gaze doesn’t shift from hers. Her eyes widen at the same time that I hiss, but she doesn’t pull away, instead she moves a little closer and I want to tell her to run, but I don’t say shit.
Tipping my chin, I look into her green eyes and wonder what the fuck I did in this life to have them gazing up at me the way that they are. Nothing. I’ve done nothing to deserve the way she looks at me, but I wish that I could keep them—keep her.
“Don’t worry about me, Pammy. No fuckin’ reason to worry about me at all. Don’t deserve your worries.”
She blinks, licking her lips. They’re parted as she looks up at me, watching me. I wish I could lean down and taste her. I’ve never tasted innocence before, I want it, but I also know that I can’t have it.
Taking a step back, I jerk my chin forward. The brother behind me doesn’t hesitate in pushing me forward. I don’t look back at Pamela. I’m taken back to my holding room and I’m good with that. I don’t need to be free—another thing I don’t deserve.
PAMELA
I stand in the middle of the room and watch him being led away, pushed away, whatever you want to call it. I feel sick. This entire thing makes me feel sick, because I have a feeling that it isn’t going to have a good outcome and these people, they just don’t understand how good Dylan truly is.
“Girl, you have got it bad,” a voice says from behind me.
Spinning around, I blink at the sight of the woman standing across from me. She isn’t Della or Pinkie. She’s beautiful, dark-haired, but she’s watching me and scrutinizing me. Flicking my eyes down, I notice that her shirt reads Boys & Girls Club Staff.
“I’m Esther,” she says, introducing herself.
“Pamela,” I murmur. She nods her head once, then jerks her chin toward a sofa against the wall.
“Wanna talk? You look like you could use an ear.”
I could use an ear, but I don’t know these people, and I’m worried that they’re going to trick me into something. I’ve seen the way that my dad’s club was, the games that they would play. The way that they would lure people in, only to break them down.
I don’t want to believe that the Savage Beasts could be the same way, that Jaguar would take me from one hell just to send me into another, but I really don’t know what is going on. Walking over to the couch, I sink down, my ass on the edge and ready to run at any second.
“Jaguar did some bad things. Really bad things, but he’s not necessarily a bad person,” she says. “I’ve known him for a long time.”
“You’re telling me this…”
Esther leans back slightly, her eyes focused on me, sharp and intuitive. She sees a lot, she is trying to look deep inside of me, but she isn’t going to find anything. I don’t have anything for her to see or find—nothing that is for her anyway.
“I just want you to be aware. He’s in deep shit. He may not survive, but I don’t want you to believe that he’s bad to his core.
”
Crossing my leg over my knee, I bounce my foot a few times as I stare at her. I’m not sure what she wants to hear from me, but she has something on her mind, so I wait. She continues to look at me, her eyes searching my face, my own gaze, and then she shakes her head once as if to clear her own thoughts.
“You’re tough, I’ll give you that much. You don’t have to be here, though. These men won’t hurt you, not unless you give them a reason to. And that reason would be, betrayal. No matter what, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, not ever.”
“Yeah?” I snort. “What happens to me when they kill Jaguar? Where do I go? What do I become?”
She clears her throat, then leans forward slightly. “You’ll go wherever you want to, become whatever it is you desire. The world is yours for the taking, Pamela.”
Licking my lips, it’s my turn to lean forward and tell her the truth. My truth. “I have absolutely nothing, Esther. Not a single thing. My options are limited and now they’re even less.”
“Yeah?”
Nodding, I let out a sigh. “I become a clubwhore and hope that I do a decent job so that I can have a place to sleep and food in my belly.”
“That’s not true, you can do whatever you want.”
“Who’s gonna pay for it?” I spit. “I go to a trade school and who will pay for it, give me a place to live so that I can go to classes? Where is the magic money tree planted? I don’t even have a high school education, Esther. Explain the world to me.”
Esther watches me for another moment, then something akin to pity crosses her face, and I hate it. She reaches out, taking my hand in hers, and squeezes my fingers.
“You’re angry and scared. I get it. But the world isn’t as doom and gloom as you may think. I’ll help you, this club will help you.”
Tears well in my eyes, but I blink them back, refusing to let them fall down my cheeks. “Yeah? And when my dad finds me and takes me back to his club, because no matter what, I’m his property. Who is going to help me then?”
UnCage me (Savage Beast MC Book 8) Page 5