by David Kundtz
Inherent in Stopping is the idea of creating enough space in your life, whether for thirty seconds or for thirty days, to make sure that you have first things first, that you are not so distracted that you lose the moments of meaning in life, whatever else you might be in the process of gaining.
Notice the definition of Stopping is “Doing nothing as much as possible.” “Doing nothing” is a relative term here. Sometimes it will mean not doing much, doing something that takes very little energy, or doing something that you love to do. Paradoxically, doing nothing is doing something very beneficial. Again, Stopping should not be confused with inactivity; life is what it is about.
Stopping is not running from life or avoiding responsibilities. On the contrary, it is moving into life and its responsibilities in a new way. It is having the courage to go precisely where your meanings and values lie and spend time there. Stopping is like an embrace: it holds close and dear those moments which matter the most to you.
Carpe diem seems to be a popular saying these days. I've seen it on tee shirts and it often makes its way into movies. Carpe diem means “seize the day” and are the words of Horace, a Roman poet who lived just before the change of the eras (65–8 B.C.E.). Carpe diem is an encouragement to take advantage of the time you have. Contemporary equivalents might be “follow your dreams,” “don't miss the chances life gives you, you might not get any more,” “take a risk.” If you really want something, don't let anything get in the way. Have the guts to go for it!
Seize the day. Go for it. Follow your dreams. Take a risk. This encouragement to achieve and get things done was popular in the ancient times of Horace, and we are still quoting him. So what about Stopping in the face of carpe diem?—they seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum. On the one end we have “stop, be quiet, take time to be spiritually awake, and remember the important things” and on the other we have “seize the day, get out and go for it, get what you want, and do it now.” Are these mutually exclusive encouragements? Not at all.
I would rather say they differ in sequence of application. In other words, before you seize anything, go for anything, dream, follow, or risk anything, you'd better know what it is you are seizing, going for, or risking. Because we have too much in our lives, we have a tendency to be impulsive, to act before we think—or better—go before we stop. It's like the executive who was so busy climbing the corporate ladder that it was only very near the top that the realization came: The ladder was leaning against the wrong wall. So before we get going, we had better start from a Stopped position or else our going, like my freshman “revolt” at Georgetown, will be inaccurately chosen, poorly carried out, unsuccessfully ended, or all three.
The combination of doing nothing and carpe diem is exactly what Stopping is all about. So with apologies to Horace, I say that we had better know what diem we want to carpe before we carpe it, or we are likely to end up with the wrong day. Before you seize the day, stop for a day.
Or even for a minute.
II
The Three Ways of Stopping
Finally it has penetrated my thick skull.This life—this moment—is nodress rehearsal. This is it!
F. KNEBEL
12
Stillpoints, Stopovers, and Grinding Halts
Stopping has three levels. They are based on length of time: Stillpoints, Stopovers, and Grinding Halts. All are effective, but each one is meant for different moments of life.
A Stillpoint is Stopping quickly and doing nothing for just a moment. It is brief and meant to be used anytime, all the time (every day, in fact), and many times a day. Stillpoints are essentially very short: a few seconds or a few minutes. They are designed to take advantage of the unfilled moments in life: waiting for the microwave to heat your coffee, brushing your teeth, or sitting at a stoplight. They are also to be used at moments of stress: walking into an interview, during a feeling of anger, or when you know you're going to be late for an appointment.
Somewhat less frequent are Stopovers, which are those times that are longer than a Stillpoint, an hour to several days. These are the wonderful times of Stopping, when you really have the feeling that you have been away and have had a mini-vacation for the soul. The most common expression of the Stopover is the afternoon, day, or weekend away, whether you go anywhere or not.
Grinding Halts will probably happen only a couple of times in most people's lives. They are times from a week to a month— or more. Obviously, these need more planning, require a larger and deeper commitment of time and energy, and typically happen at times of life transitions.
These are the three levels, or the three expressions, of Stopping. Each is effective, but the more frequent the repetitions or the longer the time, the more lasting the effect. Think of the three levels as going down (each one deeper and more effective) and plumbing the deeper recesses of your being, allowing you to creatively and joyfully do nothing and to become more fully awake and recollected. These experiences will help you to make accurate decisions and to maintain your true life-direction.
All three expressions of Stopping—Stillpoints, Stopovers, and Grinding Halts—are designed specifically to help you keep one thing in mind: all you have is “now,” “then” is gone, and “when” is not yet and may never be. As the quote at the head of this chapter reminds us, this is not a dress rehearsal for your real life, which will happen sometime later when you are more prepared. You are not waiting for anything to begin; you are in the middle of it.
Except for the point,the still point,There would be no dance,and there is only the dance.
T. S. ELIOT, Four Quartets
13
Stillpoints: The Heart and Soul of Stopping
Stillpoints are the expression of Stopping that can be used most often and that forms the basis, or undergirding, of all Stopping. Stillpoints are quick and focused. Creating Stillpoints during the day is fundamental to the incorporation of Stopping into one's life. They grow by accumulation and thus are the backbone that holds up the structure. A day with fifteen Stillpoints will make you much more peaceful, satisfied, and calm, no matter how much you've had to do, how many people you've had to attend to, or how many fires you've had to put out. Stillpoints also bring you closer to joyful anticipation of the longer Stoppings.
The overwhelming advantage of Stillpoints—especially compared to meditation and other time-consuming systems of quieting—is that they can be incorporated into your life with minimal disruption and maximum effect. You can be with someone constantly for a whole day and that person would never know that during the day you had been renewed and refreshed by fifteen or twenty Stillpoints. I do it all the time:
As I am presenting a seminar to forty nurses, at least ten times during the presentation, I do a Stillpoint. I take a deep breath, focus in, remind myself of what I want to create in this seminar and what I want to offer the participants, and then I go back to what I was doing. This takes a few seconds and the participants experience it only as a brief pause.
Stillpoints are life's little moments of gold that, when taken together, can give brilliance and joy to otherwise dull days. Stillpoints are the little times, brief interludes, quick respites, one minute breaks, breathers, intermissions, and lulls.
But they are also intentional and are chosen for a specific purpose. They, as all Stopping, consist as much as possible of doing nothing and of quietude.
What you do during a Stillpoint is simple: You stop doing whatever you're doing, sit or stand, take a deep breath with your eyes open or closed, focus your attention inward, and remember what you need to remember. Stop, breathe, and remember. The remembering part is very flexible, it can mean recalling a belief or event that motivates you. But it can also mean remembering a prayer for strength or peace, a message you need to hear at the moment like “you can do it,” or a self-encouragement like “you are okay.” Stop, breathe, and remember. Here are some examples of Stillpoints:
You are on the bus (or train or plane) and are staring ahead of
you, perhaps focusing on the back of the seat in front of you. You begin by simply noticing your breathing for a few moments. Then briefly bring to mind some of the people that are very important to you: parents, children, spouse or partner, or friends. After a moment or two of this, simply smile, softly.
You are at the copy machine (or fax machine or on-line or in line) waiting for it to do what it is supposed to do. You relax your shoulder muscles, take a slow, deep breath with your eyes open or closed, and think of one thing for which you are thankful, for example: “I am so thankful that I have a friend like Maggie.”
The words from T. S. Eliot's poem at the beginning of the chapter are profoundly fitting for an understanding of Stillpoints. If it were not for the still point, there would be no dance. Dancing cannot continue indefinitely. There must be a point at which the dancing body stops and rests. It is that point and that time of stillness that gives energy to the dance, and the dance—life!—is all there is.
So, Stillpoints have a physical part (being still and breathing) and a spiritual part (remembering, praying, thankfulness, or other words that are good for you to hear).
Simple, isn't it? The very essence of Stillpoints is deep, intentional breathing and a moment of quiet recollection. Since breathing is of the essence in Stillpoints, this is a good time to learn the intentional breath.
“I don't need to know how to breathe,”you're probably thinking. “I've been doing it sincethe day I was born—without a single lesson.”
IAN JACKSON
14
Breathing Is Inspiring
I'll never forget the moment I learned to breathe. No, it was not when the doctor slapped my bottom as a welcome into the world and I gulped my first intake of air. It was about forty-five years later when I was in training for certification as an interactive guided image therapist. During one of the sessions, we were led through a breathing exercise. The woman leading the group spoke slowly, calmly, and clearly about the process of breathing and how many of us breathe shallowly.
That teaching changed my life. I don't think anyone around me was aware of it (or were they being polite and discreet?), but as I breathed deeply in and then completely exhaled, involving the entire internal mechanisms of a diaphragmatic breath, I broke into an instant sweat because the experience was so new and overwhelming. As I continued to breathe consciously and fully, I then began to shake, because the experience was so physically and emotionally revolutionary. I know it seems odd now (I must have actually breathed deeply before that?!), but it felt like my first breath and like I had never really breathed deeply before. In the days and weeks that followed, I became a conscious breather, practicing frequently and learning the nuances of breathing.
Conscious breathing means to breathe deeply and intentionally. To breathe deeply is to begin the breath low in your belly and move it up into your chest.
To learn how to do this, begin by placing your left hand over your heart and your right hand over your belly button. As you breathe in, your right hand should move out and away from your body as your lungs fill with air, and your left hand should remain still. This movement should make you look “fatter” than you are; your stomach should be protruding. Then, as you breathe out, or exhale, your right hand should move back towards your body, and your left hand should remain still. The taking in of air moves your stomach, not your chest, out.
Too often what happens is that when we take in a deep breath, the left hand on the chest moves out, meaning that the air is kept shallow and high in the chest and does not bring oxygen to the lungs in an efficient way.
To take this a step farther to an even more complete breath, begin with your hands placed as above: left hand on your heart and right hand on your belly button. Breathe in and watch your right hand move out. But this time, continue to breathe in and when the right hand is out as far as is comfortable, bring the inhale up to your chest and allow the left hand to move out also. Then, as you breathe out, or exhale, the reverse movement happens as your left hand moves close to the body first and the right hand follows. As you do these breaths in succession, you will see that there is an undulating motion as air moves from down to up and from up to down: from the stomach to the chest and from the chest to the stomach.
That's conscious breathing and it brings several profound benefits: It deepens your awareness of this particular moment and brings you directly into contact with the present. It internally massages the major internal organs, relaxing them, and creates a heightened awareness of yourself and, by its very nature, causes you to expand both spiritually and physically. Spirit and breath are from the same root; inspiration means to breathe in. Breathing is inspiring.
How can I convince you of the power of a deep, intentional breath? Breathing is one of the involuntary activities of the human body, and it seems silly to practice or improve it. But the fact is that many of us breathe shallowly and at times, particularly during stress, we hold our breath so that we scarcely breathe at all. In order to experience the power of intentional breathing, begin by noticing how you breathe, when you hold your breath in and keep it tight (notice this especially when you are concentrating on something or trying to do detailed work) and how it feels when you do a deep, intentional breath.
A wonderful story from the Old Testament applies here. Naaman was a powerful army general who became very ill. He consulted many wise physicians and healers, and none of them could restore his health. Word came to him from a servant girl that Elisha, a wise and powerful prophet in the neighboring country, could cure him. So, in desperation, Naaman and his retinue traveled to Elisha in the distant country. When they found him, Naaman humbly made his request that the prophet use his powers to heal him.
Elisha simply told Naaman to bathe seven times in the Jordan River and he would be healed. The general was infuriated. “We have rivers at home and I bathe in them every day and what possible good could come from simply bathing in a river! This is nonsense. We have wasted our time and effort.” Naaman prepared to go. His servants, however, thinking that they had come all this way and that it would do no harm to try, convinced the reluctant general to bathe seven times in the Jordan River. He did so and was immediately cured of his illness.
Like Naaman, we tend to underestimate the power of something that is as ordinary as bathing in the river or breathing in air. Playing the role of Naaman, we might be tempted to say, “Breathing? I've been breathing since the day I was born and I don't suppose I need to learn how to breathe at this point in my life. Besides, how can something so simple and everyday like breathing in and out really make any difference in my life?” I, as your servant, might say, “Well, Your Excellency, you've come all this way, it won't do any harm, and, who knows, it might make a difference. So humor me; why not just try it?”
For now, just trust in the benefits of deep breathing on your physical and emotional state, and, if necessary, just humor me a bit by trying it. Later, you will know for yourself.
You must learn to be still in the midst of activityand to be vibrantly alive in repose.
INDIRA GANDHI
15
Stillpoints in a Turning World
You now have a clear idea of what Stillpoints are and you understand the intentional breath, which is its hallmark. Now you just have to begin to incorporate them into your everyday life. Here are some of the ways my clients and I have found to do that:
A bathroom breather
Yes, the bathroom is one of the best places to go (especially when you don't need to) to take a Stillpoint. “When everything gets frantic, everyone wanting something from me, I go to the bathroom,” says Eddie, an office manager. “In my office, the bathroom has a lock, so I lock the door, look at myself in the mirror, and smile. Then I close my eyes, relax my body, take a few breaths, and spend maybe thirty seconds in quiet. I end with another smile at myself, maybe an affirmation like ‘Take Good Care of Yourself,’ splash some cool water on my ears, and go back to work. Total time lapse is two or three minutes. But
what a difference it makes about how I feel about work!”
On a scheduled break
Cecilia, a receptionist, explains, “I take a small part of my break, at the beginning, and walk off a ways alone to take a few deep breaths and achieve a moment of quiet. Then I enjoy my tea with the others. The other day my girlfriend asked me what I was doing walking off like that. So I told her. She was so interested, she's trying it now.” Sometimes you can use the whole break for this.
Walking from one task to another
“The hospital where I work is huge and I have to cover a large part of it several times a week,” says Arnie, a physician. “I am generally alone. The walking is exercise but it is also a time for a Stillpoint, even though I'm moving. Conscious breathing and remembering what matters to me are what I like to do. It does make a difference; especially after a while. If I didn't do this intentionally, I would probably be worrying about what I had to do next or be distracted by my last encounter.”
In a tense situation
Have you ever been in a difficult situation, when, for example, you are leading or attending a meeting and someone inappropriately raises his voice or says something mean, unfair, or vulgar? Chances are you tense up, hold your breath, wait for what will come next, and desperately search your brain for something that will fix the situation. After learning Stillpoints, Naomi took a different approach. She trains executives on issues of diversity in the workplace. One day, she faced a sudden, angry, and inappropriate outburst. “The very first thing I did was take a deep breath,” she says. “On the second breath, as I inhaled, I imagined the breath coming into me and bringing care, understanding, and love. And then, on exhaling, I directed the breath, with those same energies, through my eyes while I looked directly to the eyes of the man who made the outburst. The effect was immediate. The volatility of the situation was diffused and the conflict could then be resolved later through a normal process.”