by Anna Rezes
From the other side of the door came a feminine voice, “Oli, are you in there? I really need to talk to you.”
I looked at Willa who was now wide awake, looking at the door like it had grown horns and a devil’s tail.
“Oliver, please,” Addison begged, sounding beyond desperate. I knew what her tones meant, and this one hurt me. Part of me would always care about her, and I couldn’t ignore the misery I heard in her tone.
I rushed to the door, opening it a crack.
Her clothes were the only part of her that looked like the Addison I knew. She never had a hair out of place, but today, her golden hair was a mess, her eyes were puffy and her face blotchy. It broke my heart to see her this way.
“Addie, what are you doing here?” I asked.
“Your phone is dead or off, but I have to talk to you, so I followed your credit card charges,” she answered.
“That’s not what I asked. Why are you here, Addison?”
“Can I come in?” she asked, placing her palm softly on the door.
I sighed. “How about I meet you in the lobby in a few minutes, and we can talk?”
“Okay,” she said in quiet dejection, wiping a tear as it fell.
How could she be so upset when she’s the one who wronged me? I did nothing wrong, but I was second-guessing all of my decisions.
I struggled to close the door between us, and when it latched, I rested my forehead against it. I took a breath, reminding myself of why I was here in this hotel. I couldn’t let Addison confuse me.
I turned toward Willa. She was propped up in bed with an arm holding the blanket over her chest. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, and she swallowed, giving me a woeful grin. It was as if she’d already accepted the loss of us.
Willa
Oliver stared at me from the doorway, his face a mixture of sadness and regret. Will there ever be a man who won’t regret getting involved with me?
Failure never became easier; I simply grew better at hiding my disappointment. I’d trained myself to breathe through each defeat, and even though I knew to expect the worst, hope was a pesky bastard, always wanting, always telling me something good was just ahead.
Now, I sat there pretending I wasn’t hurting as my latest failure stared me in the face. Oliver’s past had tracked him down, and the look on his face told me he was not done reminiscing. I had given him the ability to hurt me, and he hadn’t wasted any time, but I wasn’t about to show him weakness. I swallowed back my tears and smiled at him, telling him I understood.
“It’s okay, Oliver. I know you need to talk to her. I get it. Part of you still loves her, and you need to hear her out.”
He shook his head, coming closer, “Willa, I don’t love her. Not anymore.”
I didn’t believe him for a second. How can you love someone for eleven years and stop cold turkey? I think his feelings had changed, but it was evident he still loved her; otherwise, he wouldn’t have been so upset.
I was fine with him still loving her. I was fine with complicated feelings. I knew life wasn’t simple, and I would have let it play out, but honesty was vital, and he broke our one rule.
He lied to me.
He took a step toward me. “I just need to clear the air, Willa.”
Maybe he didn’t understand his emotions. Perhaps he didn’t mean to lie. I could give him another chance.
“That’s fine, really. Feelings are tricky. It’s okay to be confused,” I said, catching his face in my hands as he leaned forward to kiss me.
Our kiss lacked the passion that had been there the night before. When he pulled away, he said, “I swear to you, I’m not confused, Willa. I know what I want. Will you stay right here and wait for me?”
I nodded, a convincing lie. My first lie.
Lying wasn’t difficult for me. I lied to myself all the time, but there was no way I would wait for him. I would go to my room and pack up so when this ended badly, I wouldn’t have to leave anything behind.
He got dressed and kissed me again before leaving the room, promising to be quick. He was either a terrible liar, or he had his head so far in the sand, he couldn’t see what was going on.
I had heard her voice, pleading and urgent, and I’d bet my car on the fact that she never called off the wedding. As soon as Oliver left, I pulled up Facebook and stalked Addison’s page only to find out I wouldn’t be losing my car, but there was a good chance I would lose Oliver.
I collected my things from Oliver’s room and went next door to my own. I dressed and packed in record time, doubting myself every step. I couldn’t let her manipulate him. I couldn’t let him go back to her. Oliver was worth fighting for, even if he had lied to me.
I’d load my car and then wait to see how things played out before leaving. I rolled my suitcase off the elevator and into the lobby.
It was busy with people coming down for breakfast. Several people were checking out, so I took a seat in a comfy chair in a little out-of-the-way nook surrounded with plants. It gave me a full view of the lobby while providing me some camouflage.
Oliver and Addison sat across from one another at the same table where Oliver and I ate yesterday’s breakfast. Two cups of what I was sure to be green tea sat forgotten on the table as Oliver and Addison leaned forward with their hands clasped together on the table between them.
If he didn’t love her, then I wasn’t infertile. He gave her a look filled with so much adoration that my heart ached with the loss. I was so good at pretending, but I couldn’t pretend he had looked at me that way. Whatever I had thought we’d had was nothing compared to what the two of them shared. How could it be? They had eleven years to our three days.
At first, I thought I would wait to say goodbye, but it hurt to watch him be so intimate with someone else. Oliver his undivided attention, looking and listening to her like she was the only woman in the world. She had tears leaking from her eyes, looking beautiful even in her sadness. Then Oliver slid out of his chair and came around the table to kneel, so he was level with her. He leaned forward and kissed her, their arms going around one another.
I choked. My damn heart still holding out hope for a future with him. Even as they pulled apart, his fingers slid through her hair, and their eyes connected in such an intimate way. I had to look away.
I used to be whole, but life had carved away a piece of me, like the cavity of a hollowed-out tree. And in that void, lived all of my lost hopes and broken dreams. Failed expectations nestled inside like temperamental hornets, stinging every so often to remind me of their existence. And on days like today, days when I kicked the hornet’s nest, adding to my losses. All those past failures buzzed around inside, spreading their venom with each sting.
I had to disappear.
I grabbed my luggage and turned my keys in at the front desk. I wheeled my suitcase through the door, out of the hotel. I was almost to my car before I heard him.
“Willa, wait!”
I kept walking. I could forego loading the suitcase and just jump in the car and take off, except then I’d have to back over him. Damn it!
I was opening my trunk when he caught up to me. “Willa,” he said, his voice pleading as he stood next to me.
“Addison will see us together,” I warned as I loaded my suitcase into my trunk.
“I don’t care,” he said.
I slammed my trunk and turned to give him a look that said, yeah right.
“I don’t,” he repeated, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe what I was saying.
“Honest, ugly truth,” I said. “Did Addison call off the wedding?”
I already knew the answer but needed to see if he knew.
His shoulders slumped. “No,” he said with so much regret.
“Are you going to marry her?” I asked, still holding myself upright.
“I don’t know.”
I swallowed the sharp needles of rejection he fed me. I needed to escape this torture, but I froze as those spikes I’d ingested tor
e me apart, irritating the damn hornets and causing a full-on frenzy. Every festering old wound reopened, and toxins poured out, filling me with so much anger and regret that the venom spilled from my mouth. “Did you tell her about us, Oli?”
He flinched, and I was feeling vindictive, so I kept going. “I get that you are confused, but how dare you let me think you were done with her. You made me the other woman, Oliver!”
He must not be used to disappointment because he did nothing to hide his pain, but I wouldn’t feel sorry for him.
“Now, you and Addison are even,” I said. “You are free to marry her without thinking you’re missing out on other women. Glad I could help you clear that up.”
“Willa,” he tried.
I spoke over him. “I told you I didn’t want to be your goddamn rebound, Oliver! You had women offer to be that for you, but I wasn’t offering. You made me fall for you. Or at least the you, I thought you were.”
I rounded my car and opened the driver’s side door. I had refused to be his rebound but somehow became his mistress instead. And I hated myself.
“Willa, would you just listen?”
I turned to him, crossing my arms over my chest in preparation for what he was going to say.
“She . . .” He suddenly seemed unsure what to say next.
I helped him out. “She’s the one you want.”
“It’s, well . . . fuck,” he said in frustration as if words were suddenly the hardest thing in the world.
“Honest, ugly truth,” I said. “I wish I had never met you.”
His mouth gaped, and he stepped back, stricken.
I took the opportunity to climb into the car, slamming the door before backing out of my spot.
I drove away without looking back.
Who the hell meets the love of their life at a hotel, anyway? That only happens in romantic comedies and romance novels. The same world where UTI’s don’t exist and happily-ever-afters are only awarded to the people who deserve them. Real-life didn’t give a shit if you were a good person. It would shit on whoever it wanted.
I wondered if Oliver would ever think about me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about him, and that didn’t seem fair. None of this seemed fair, but I already knew life wasn’t fair, yet the injustice shocked me every damn time.
Oliver
The grief took me off guard as I watched Willa drive away. My hands were on my hips like I was winded, and I kind of was. I couldn’t breathe. I had fucked up. I’d screwed over the one person I swore I wouldn’t hurt, and I did it so quickly. But what else could I do? Addison was pregnant, and Willa made it look so easy to let me go.
I stared at the road where her car had been, wondering how I could make this right. There was no right. Right would have been not sleeping with Willa. Right would have been not making her promises and painting a picture of our life together. The only right thing I could do for her is to leave her alone and take care of the woman pregnant with my child.
As I walked back toward the hotel, I saw Travis leaning against his SUV. Of course, he brought Addison here. No one else knew about the baby or the breakup, and Addison was in no condition to drive. I realized he’d just seen the whole production between Willa and me.
To my surprise, he didn’t look smug. He looked miserable. We just stared at one another until I walked away. Willa was innocent, but the rest of us had fucked up. Maybe we deserved each other.
I could have been honest with Willa and told her about the pregnancy, but I knew it would have only hurt her more, and she still would have left.
I went back into the hotel, and Addison was standing just inside. I told her I’d be right back before I darted out the door after Willa. She had to know something was up, but she didn’t ask.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Let me go pack my things and we’ll head out. You can go tell Travis that he can take off.”
She looked nervous and placed her hand on my arm, “Oli, are you okay?”
I shook my head. “No, Addison. I’m not okay, but sometimes all you can do is tread water and hope one day your feet will find solid ground.”
She dropped her hand and stepped back, unsure what to say to that. I didn’t care what she made of it. It felt truer now than ever before.
I entered my hotel room and nearly broke down. It smelled like Willa. Everything in the room made me ache for her, and I suddenly realized I didn’t even have her phone number or her full name. I knew so many intimate details about Willa, but we didn’t exchange any practical information, like where we lived or our phone numbers. She had my information because she took a picture of my license, but she wouldn’t be reaching out to me anytime soon.
I packed slowly, lingering in my regret. There were several remaining bottles of Pink Moscato, but I left them behind because it would always remind me of Willa, and I couldn’t handle that right now. If I would have stayed that night and heard Addison out then none of this would’ve happened, but it did, and now I had to live with it.
I tried to shove everything in my backpack, but it wouldn’t all fit. The bag from the winery gift shop was the biggest, so I stuffed everything else in it.
I checked out, and Addison and I walked to my truck in silence. We climbed inside, and I looked over at Addie and pictured Willa sitting there a few nights ago after our trip to the beach.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Addison asked.
I shook my head and shrugged, before putting the truck in gear and pulling away from the last five days of my life.
“Did you sleep with her?” Addison asked out of nowhere.
I nodded, saying, “Yeah.”
“Oliver, I know I hurt you, and we have some things to work through. I’m sorry.”
She’d already said all of that. “I hurt her.”
“Who?”
“The woman you saw me with.”
“The one you slept with?”
I nodded.
She replied, “I’m sure she’ll be okay. You couldn’t have known each other that well. You’ve only been gone for five days.”
Willa was strong. I knew she would be okay, but Addison was wrong about the other part. Willa and I knew each other. The short time didn’t matter.
Before we got on the freeway, I pulled into a drive thru.
Addison looked at me, her eyes wide. “Oli, what are you doing?”
“I want a cheeseburger.”
She looked shocked and hurt. “But, you. You don’t eat meat or fast food.”
“No, Addison, you don’t eat those things. I do.” I ordered my food and pulled around.
“But Oli, they’re so bad for you.” She hesitated on that last word as if realizing she shouldn’t lecture me.
“So is sleeping with Travis. Do you even know how many times he’s been treated for STD’s?”
“Oli!”
“You think I’m kidding? I was legitimately concerned he’d catch something that antibiotics couldn’t fix. You’re the doctor. You know what I’m talking about. Hell, you probably wrote him a prescription or two.”
I was acting terrible and unfair, but she didn’t fight back. Willa would have screamed at me, calling me out for being an asshole, but Addison stayed quiet, turning toward the passenger window to ignore me. I didn’t know if she was giving me the silent treatment or if she was angry with my words, but it turned out to be neither.
As I collected my food from the window, Addison wiped her face, and her shoulders shook, trying to keep her crying silent.
I was a dick.
“I’m sorry, Addie,” I said softly and heard her sniffle.
She turned back to me as she pulled a tissue from her purse to dab at her face. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Oli. I know I hurt you.”
“Why did it have to be Travis?” I snapped.
“Because he was always around. Do we have to talk about his?”
“I think we should.”
“Why does it matter? I messed up, but
I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You have always been there for me. We’re going to have a baby together. I don’t want to trudge up the past. I never meant to hurt you, and part of me wishes I had never told you because then you wouldn’t be hurting like this.”
“You wish you would have just lied to me for the rest of our lives?”
“Oliver, I want to stand in front of all of our loved ones tomorrow and publicly tell them how much you mean to me. I would do anything for you. If I could take it back, I would, but it’s in the past, and it will never happen again. Do you believe me?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Do you still love me?”
I sighed because as much as I tried to deny it; I did love her. It was impossible not to love Addie. “Yes. I still don’t understand how you got pregnant.”
Addison replied, “I’m surprised it took you so long to ask. I figured that would be your first question. I stopped my birth control a few months ago because it was making me gain weight, and I wanted to be able to fit into my wedding dress. It wasn’t a big deal because we were using condoms, but condoms don’t always work. I don’t know. Maybe your sperm are extra good swimmers.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you stopped birth control. I would’ve been more careful if I’d known.”
“It still could’ve happened. We don’t know, Oli. Please, give me the next two days. If you still want to call off the wedding, then we will.”
“Okay,” I said and then unwrapped my hamburger and ate it while I drove. To her credit, she nothing else about fast food.
She had been up all night so a few hours into our trip, she fell asleep. She needed the time to sleep because rehearsal dinner started at seven and it would take nearly that long to get back to New York. It gave me a lot of time to think. I didn’t know if I could forgive her for cheating, but it was difficult to stay upset with someone who showed so much remorse.
Willa
I was five hours into my trip home when one of my tires blew—nothing like a flat tire to add insult to injury. I tried to tell myself it could be worse, but I was feeling sorry for myself. I held the tears back as I called my dad to walk me through changing a flat. I successfully got the donut in place and stopped in the next town for a tire. They said they couldn’t get the right tire until the following day, and I had no choice but to wait. I wasn’t going to drive three hours on the freeway with a donut.