by Anna Rezes
In a way, I got the big family I always hoped for. We got some weird looks whenever we explained our situation, but it worked for us. Truth be told, I loved Addison. She and I were complete opposites, and we didn’t always agree, but we accepted each other the way we were, and we made our unusual dynamic work because we all loved Emerson.
Like I said, the most spoiled little girl ever born.
I turned in Oliver’s arms. “Well, Mr. Moscato, I think this party is a success.”
He leaned in, whispering, “All because of you, Willa. You’re incredible.” His lips brushed mine. “I can’t wait for you to become Mrs. Pink Moscato.”
Author Note
This story is purely fiction, but I have lived through the sorrow labeled infertility. Several of my friends have also lived through a variation of the same struggle. I never wanted to write my story about infertility because it would be a pretty miserable read, but I want people to know they are not alone.
I left a job because of our infertility struggle. I worried over our marriage, battled anxiety and depression, and went into debt because of our struggle. I distanced myself from friends, family, and even my husband. Our marriage could have fallen apart, and sometimes, I worried it would. For a while, we were in very different places emotionally, and I can’t stress this enough, fertility medications made me crazy. I didn’t want my husband to see all the emotions I was feeling, so I tried to hide them from him, and instead appeared distant and unloving.
At a very pivotal point in our struggle, through the grace of God, we fell together instead of falling apart. Our insecurities fought to divide us, but we made it through, partly because we were too stubborn and loyal to give up on one another, but also because our love is real. It may not be perfect, but we’ve committed to loving one another even when it takes the extra effort, and because of this, we have something beautiful. We are enough, even if we never have children.
Since we stopped trying, I have been able to enjoy the kids in my life so much more. They feel like a blessing instead of a heartbreaking reminder of what we may never have.
For those of you who tell struggling couples to, “Just relax, and it will happen.” Stop. Please, please, please, I beg of you, stop! I said things like this before I understood the struggle—before I knew how words meant to encourage can break a person’s spirit. Most likely, you have no idea what the couple is going through. For medical reasons, we are either trying, or we are actively preventing pregnancy. So, when someone tells me to relax, that person is lucky I don’t throat punch them. I know most say it with good intentions. I’m not asking anyone to walk on eggshells, but don’t assume you know what is best for someone else. If you need to say something, instead of offering empty encouragement, empathize with them.
Infertility is a unique pain. To the world, I looked whole, but for a while, my grief was all-consuming. The bitterness I felt was unexpected, and it made me hate myself. I didn’t want the ugly, indignant thoughts that filled my head. Every baby announcement or baby shower, every time I heard someone complain about their kids, I would feel all these things that made me disgusted with myself. I was so miserable and hateful that I didn’t know how to be happy for others. That is an ugly place to be, friends.
It took me a long time to separate what I was going through with what other people had going on. After our failed IVF, I decided for my wellbeing I had to stop. I couldn’t keep hating myself and my life. I took down the crib we’d had up for years and turned it into a relaxing room where I do most of my writing. My mind was so consumed with the baby struggle that for years, I barely made time to write.
Once we stopped trying, I buried myself in my writing. It was my therapy. It was a way to immerse myself in something that took my mind off my situation.
People encouraged me to write about our struggle, but writing about infertility was the last thing I wanted to do. Now that I have had some time to heal, I thought I would incorporate it into a story. What makes this story so beautiful to me is its realness, its suffering, its wrong decisions because nobody is perfect, and the brokenhearted realizing their worth.
Even though there are so many going through the same struggle, it can still feel very isolating. To those who are fighting infertility, and trying to get pregnant, you are so brave and so strong. I didn’t know my own courage and strength until I fought with all I had for something that meant everything to me. I had forty-seven failed cycles, and each time I picked myself up and kept going with hope for the next time. We went through so many treatments, and I learned to be brave and bold because there was no other option.
One of the hardest things you can do is to keep going in the midst of your struggle. And for those of you who need a time out or have to call it, you are not a failure. Knowing your limit is essential. You are important and resilient. And most importantly, you are enough. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you aren’t enough. Learn to love yourself and your life, because as much as we try to plan our lives, we don’t know what the future holds.
Acknowledgments
To everyone who put up with me through my worst moments.
Mary Catherine Kline, I don’t have the words for all you have done for me. You believed in me from the very beginning and encouraged me through every step. You were a light in my world and life feels a lot dimmer without you.
To my mom. My hero. Thanks for always being there for me. Thank you for encouraging me to write this story. Sorry for the explicit scenes.
Sarah Ware, you are my Jodi. I think you probably already knew that, but I am so unbelievably blessed to have someone so caring and strong in my life to encourage me. You managed to keep your kind heart through all the tough times. You are a badass, and an inspiration.
Heather Coates, thank you for your vulnerability. Sometimes being brave means exposing the unpleasant things instead of hiding them. You’ve shown me that it’s okay to be vulnerable and bold in asking for help. I’m so grateful to have you in my life.
Melissa Di Rienzo, my dear friend, thank you for being the first to read this story and being with me through the whole process. You are the first person I go to with all of my questions, and I love that you’re always excited to help. You rock! I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Brenda Perkins, thank you for taking a girl’s trip with me to Cincinnati. You didn’t know at the time that you were going to say something that would inspire me to write a scene that would turn into a story and then a novel. Thanks for being uniquely you! And thank you for being there for me on one of the worst days of my life.
To Tim Rezes, the best father-in-law a girl could ask for, thank you for cheering for me. I’m always thrilled to hear your feedback and amazed at your attention to detail. Thanks for believing in me, and thank you for teaching your son what it means to be a good man.
Jenna Abrahamson, I think you gave me the best compliment of all, comparing my work to one of my all-time favorite authors. Thank you for all your encouragement.
Thank you, Sara Wilson, and to everyone in our Monday writing group. You have all encouraged me to keep writing, and your critiquing continues to make me a better writer.
Lisa, thank you for your lending your keen eye and catching those small details.
Justin, my husband and best friend, thank you for fighting through the trenches with me. Writing this story was emotional for me. It is so easy to grow apart, and our story could have turned out much differently if we hadn’t been so stubborn in our love for one another. Thank you for all your reassurances when I got too wrapped up in this story and forgot what was real and what was in my head. Thank you for believing in me. No matter what may come, you are my gratefully ever after.
Also by Anna Rezes
Other Books from Anna Rezes
Valla Series:
Coming February 2020
About the Author
Anna Rezes has been passionate about writing since she was a child. When she’s not busy honing her superpowers or travel
ing to other worlds full of fictional characters, she is spending time with family and friends. She lives in Central Ohio with her husband, their two dogs, and the cat they love and hate. Anna is the author of Unraveling Emily, Descendant of Valla, Guardian of Latovia, Broken Alliance, and Pink f*cking Moscato. For more from Anna Rezes visit:
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