Thankfully, it didn’t smell like what I’d expected as I drew closer, instead it smelled like pine needles and freshly mown grass, but the sight of it was just as bad as I’d thought, especially as it had started to bubble and pop from where it was spilling out.
“Goddamn this is disgusting…” I muttered as I grabbed the top of the weapon and tried to pull it off, but instead ended up lifting the very dead guy into a seated position, “Oh, come on.”
“Get on with it.” Quinn ordered.
I didn’t appreciate getting bossed around by what was essentially an overly complicated NPC, though I couldn’t blame her for wanting me to step it up a bit.
“It’s not my fault, the damn thing’s stu-!” I shouted when, upon me trying to get a better grip of the weapon, a blade shot out of the bottom, successfully separating the head from its body.
With all the manliness of a nine-year-old girl with pigtails and a habit of crying during the ‘scary part’ in Empire with the wampa, I dropped the gun-head-sword combination on the ground and let out a dry heave.
“Tsk, tsk.” Quinn mocked, “Couldn’t even hold it for a second, could you?”
“Not my fault, the thing has a head in it. A gooey, barky, dead head.”
“Oh, it couldn’t have been that bad.”
“It was. It really was that bad. Like someone ate a bunch of green gelatin and bark and that’s what came out at the end.”
Quinn went to mock me some more, but then the weapon must’ve rolled onto its side or something because, right as I worked up the courage to finally look at it again, the weapon quickly switched back into shotgun mode, popping what little there was left to pop and splattering me with goop.
“Well that was-” I said and stopped as I was interrupted by the gun cleaning itself out by spraying all the gunk everywhere, “…fun. I’m not touchin’ that thing ever again.”
“Then what do you suppose you’re going to defend yourself with, hmm? Your superior hand-to-hand combat skills? Or perhaps you could just keep launching flares and smoke at them like a lactose intolerant AC-130 who just ate all the ice cream?”
“No,” I said as a giddy little grin spread across my lips, “I’m gonna use that.”
“Use wha-oh no, not that.” Quinn pleaded, “Anything but that. I doubt you’d even be able to use the thing.”
I shook my head and started walking over to the wall where my new favorite toy sat built into the wall, “I think you’re wrong and I’m going to be unstoppable.”
“Yes, because it’s going to throw you backward.”
“Nah, I think I can handle it,” I replied confidently as I lugged what was clearly an alien rocket launcher over my shoulder, “I know I can handle it.”
“Really?” Quinn let out with a disappointed sigh, “How can you be that excited?”
“Shut up, it’s because of all the adrenaline.”
“What are you talking… oh my God! Why do you have an erection!?”
“Because of the… You know what? I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
“Ugh, you sicken me.”
“Eh, I think I can live with that.”
LITH-WHATIANS?
“I still can’t believe you chose that gun.” Quinn scolded as I did my best to silently move through the strange corridors, ignoring the ornate trees etched into the blue metal walls, “What happens if you get into a fight?”
“Then I’ll shoot them with my big whopping gun.” I whispered before pushing my back to a corner and checking around it, “Why is this so difficult? You’d think there’d be at least a tutorial or something.”
“Oh, there is, at the beginning of the game. They run through how to use your suit, what guns do what, and the origin of what you call ‘tree people’ but are actually known as the Lithrekians. You’re on level seven of ten.”
“Level seven?” I shouted quietly as I popped around the corner and made a break for the next one, “Why am I on level seven?”
“I’m guessing it’s because it’s not meant to be easy?” Quinn replied snippily, “Messiah clearly didn’t expect anyone to follow after him, but he also probably planned for the worst, which meant making it difficult to track him down.”
“I mean… yeah. I suppose so, but even still, come on, level seven of ten?”
“Yeah, and this is something like the fifth game in the series. Surprising what AIs can do when you leave them to their own devices, isn’t it?”
I have to admit it, I was thoroughly impressed, but at the same time it wasn’t new information to me. Certain parts of Re.Gen were almost entirely made by the AIs the developers stuck in the game to keep it moving along, but they weren’t allowed anywhere near the base game.
It was still a good gig for an AI though, getting a toolbox and near absolute freedom? I’m sure Quinn would’ve killed for an opportunity like that.
There was a world to save though, and we were the ones who had to save it.
“Am I getting closer?”
“Yes, there should be a service elevator just around the corner. I’d hurry though, there’s a patrol heading that way now, and believe me when I say that you do not want to go up against them.”
I went to say something cocky, but stopped myself when I realized where I was and that the guys I’d fought in the armory were probably the lowest tier of enemies the game had.
So, following another quick peek around the corner, I made a mad scramble for the elevator, something that was exceptionally difficult to do with a rocket launcher on my shoulder.
“I maintain that you should be holding that thing like a baby.” Quinn chimed in as I started mashing the elevator button with my finger.
“And I maintain that you shut your damn mouth and keep your ear out for enemies.” I growled before turning my mashing into punching.
“Can’t you just make the elevator appear?”
“The code’s all weird.” I snapped, “I could make the elevator appear, or I could make half the damn ship disappear.”
“Oh… Well, don’t do that then.”
I mockingly mouthed what she said back at her right as a foreign sort of bell chimed and the elevator doors opened, but not before I heard the chitter and crunching of a moving tree coming around the corner.
Without much thought, I turned to face my enemy and, unsurprisingly, regretted it.
“Damn!” I exclaimed as if it were a two syllable word.
I was right in my initial assessment that I had been fighting the weaker enemies up until that point, but I hadn’t expected to be nearly as right as I was.
There were two of them, and they were huge, standing in at least three feet taller than me, and their backs were covered in thick thorny spikes which looked perfect for impaling a fleshy being like me.
That wasn’t all though, no, they also had massive spears whose blades were made out of some kind of pulsing blue energy.
“Might I suggest you take a step back and live to fight another day?” Quinn recommended as the brutish tree men got into a fighting stance and roared at me.
“You may,” I replied before heaving my alien weapon up and aiming at the furthest of the two, “but I ain’t gonna lis-whoa!”
Before I knew what was going on, I’d been pulled back into the elevator and the doors slammed in my face.
“What the Hell was that for?” I snapped.
“You were going to get yourself and, by extension, me killed.” Quinn replied coolly, “Besides, you don’t even know how to shoot that thing.”
“Sure I do.” I lied.
Well, it wasn’t entirely a lie, I figured that rubbery handle had something to do with it, and I usually did have an innate understanding of most firearms.
“No, you don’t.” Quinn finally said, having seen through my ruse, “Just push the button, would you? You know which floor we’re going to.”
“Uh… yeah…”
Quinn made a sound like she was unimpressed then sighed, “What’s wrong?” she a
sked as if I was a child who’d asked for crayons one too many times.
“Well it’s just…” I said, looking confusedly at the strange pad by the elevator door, “I have no idea how to work this thing.”
Again, Quinn was disappointed, “Why not?”
“Because it’s… it’s… it’s alien bullshit. I mean, what does that even mean?” I asked, gesturing to the swirling green line on the pad, “Is that a loading screen? Is it on standby?”
“Ugh… Eddie, you’re supposed to be good at this kind of stuff.”
“No, you’re supposed to help me translate this kind of stuff. I’m a hacker, not a freakin’ xenolinguistics specialist.”
Neither of us quite knew what to say after that as we were both aware that we each had our own points and they were all valid.
Well, that, or Quinn had just given up on talking to me ever again, either way it was uncomfortable.
“Alright,” Quinn let out with a tired huff, “I’ll go ahead and see what I can find out, you just… sit tight.”
“Yes, because I’m gonna go to all the places while I’m trapped in this elevator.” I replied with a sarcastic eye roll that, if I’m being completely honest, probably wasn’t deserved.
Quinn never ended up responding to that, instead diving into her research and going to work finding out what exactly we were dealing with when it came to the strange technology.
Have to admit that that was pretty cool, like having a research assistant, but without me having to teach her how to do stuff.
So she was more like an intern.
An intern that I had no intention of ever paying.
…
There’s a chance that she might’ve been my slave.
TRAPPED, BUT NOT
“I’m bored…” I groaned after what was definitely not a mere twenty seconds, “Quinn…”
Again, she didn’t reply, but I simply took that as her using most of her computing power to try and crack the unfamiliar code she was reading.
Keep in mind that I, like most people, like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, the type that, with my set of skills and general know-how, would be able to survive the worst of situations known to man. But sometimes even the most smartiest of people make the most stupidest of mistakes.
“Oh dear…” I muttered after I’d tapped the unfamiliar pad and a little animation popped up on it that looked an awful lot like opening doors.
There was maybe a two-second delay before the actual doors opened, after which I was left standing there with my mouth hanging open as the two waiting brutes stood over me menacingly.
“I… I…”
One of them went to take a jab at me with his massive spear, but I wasn’t having any of that, and, right before the pulsing blade could pierce my abdomen, I hit the button and watched in amazement as the doors zoomed shut and caught the spear.
“Ah, there we go.” Quinn said as, without taking a moment to look at what I’d done, we started slowly going upward, “You have fun while I was a-wait a minute…”
“What? Nothing. What?”
“It’s just… is there a spear there that wasn’t there before?” Quinn asked, apparently having used so much of her processing capabilities that basic RAM had been weakened.
“Yes..?”
“Oh, then I… You dirty liar! What did you do?”
“Nothing!” I exclaimed innocently, “I have no idea how that got there.”
Quinn let me sit on that a moment before letting out a disappointed sigh, “Do you not recall the nature of our relationship?”
At first I had no idea what she was talking about, and then I remembered the whole ‘she lives in my brain’ thing, “Oh… oh, yeah. Alright, so maybe I pressed the button, so what? Not like anyone got hurt.” I said as I finally stepped clear of the spear, “Besides, it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been… Ugh, I’m sorry.”
“What was that?”
She seemed genuinely surprised by my apology, something that both angered and saddened me. Funnily enough, the reason each emotion was the same, being that I’d kind of realized how much of a jerk I’d been being.
Don’t get me wrong, I liked me, I’m a bit arrogant like that, but at the same time we’d both been trying to be friendlier to each other, and she was doing the majority of the work.
It was my turn to start pulling some weight.
“I said I’m sorry.” I repeated, “You’re right, I made a stupid decision that almost got us killed, and I’m sorry.”
Quinn didn’t reply for a moment, and when she did she still sounded kind of confused, “Alright then, I forgive you. Sorry I snapped.”
“Not at all. Anyway, you crack the code?”
Again, Quinn took a second to respond, but it seemed to be less about being shocked, and more about wanting to respond in a creative way.
“Eh, so-so.” she finally said like she was some banker trying to blend in with surfers, before giving up with a breath and clearing her throat, “Enough of it to get us through to the end of the level, nothing concrete with the location of the portal yet though. Want me to share what I have with you?”
Even though my other most recent decision, excluding my apology, had been to open the door, I saw absolutely no problem whatsoever in allowing myself to make yet another call without spending so much as a second on considering the potentially disastrous effects.
“Sure thing.” I said with the cool disinterest that should be reserved for when someone else picks lunch, or the movie you’re going to watch.
Why am I being so longwinded about what should amount to little more than someone teaching someone else how to do a simple task? Well, that’s simple, I really don’t like thinking about what happened.
Initially, there was nothing, a slightly metallic taste in my mouth and not much else, but then there was this ringing in my ears that quickly turned into a high pitched scream. This was followed by what felt like a hot needle getting pushed through the top of my skull before grinding against the top of my palate.
Needless to say, I didn’t react well to having my brain turned into a playground of what was basically alien hieroglyphics, and by the time it was done I’d filled my suit’s urine capacity.
“Are you alright?” Quinn asked softly.
At some point in all the screaming and the pain, I’d ended up on the floor, and, while there, I’d grabbed my head and damn near torn it off, hurting a muscle in my neck.
“I… I think so…” I replied weakly as I slowly got to my feet and grabbed my gun back up, “What was that?”
“Well, apparently that’s what happens when you force AI construct information into a human.” Quinn said disappointedly, “Good news is that I didn’t attempt it with anything bigger.”
After waiting for as long as seemed appropriate, being around the time the elevator doors opened and the spear clattered to the floor, I asked “And what’s the bad news?”
“Bad news is that I don’t think I’ll be able to help you too much when it comes to the issue of figuring out what all this code is. I’m sure I’ll be able to give you some hint as to how to get through it, but I don’t know if we’ll see you changing the weather any time soon.”
I stepped out of the elevator and let out a relieved breath as it became clear that there wasn’t anyone waiting for me in the long corridor, “I don’t think we share the same definition for bad news.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because it seemed, after all that anyway, that bad news could’ve meant that I was mostly going to be a vegetable. Not being able to hack?” I said as I found a map and tried to get some idea of where I was and where I was going, “That’s just something we’re gonna have to find a workaround for.”
Once I’d pretty much memorized my route, I started jogging through the various hallways toward the bridge, hoping that once I got there the location of the portal would present itself.
“Slow down,” Quinn said as I almost rea
ched the end of a particularly long hallway, “there’s a small security team just up ahead. You’re going to want to take cover in the room you’re passing… now.”
I did as I was told and ground to a halt before slipping into the room that Quinn had just opened, which, to my great agony, turned out to be another broom closet.
“Really?” I whispered after the door had slid shut and sealed me in darkness, “Another one of these?”
“Shh, they shouldn’t check in here, provided you don’t make too much noise.”
Being ordered around wasn’t one of my favorite things in the world, but at the same time I figured it was a good place to start with showing that I respected Quinn and her position.
So, with more difficulty than I care to admit, I shut my cake hole and waited patiently for Quinn to give me the all clear.
We were finally working together as a team, more or less, and I have to admit that that felt great. It was the mark of a great quest for me, a relationship that started rocky then grew into something great, and I was pretty desperate to have a Gimli to my Legolas.
Probably had something to do with the fact that I’d been living in a support role for Hugo for so long.
And my ex had killed himself.
And my friends had all left me.
And my home was becoming uninhabitable.
And, if I didn’t do things exactly right, I’d be responsible for more deaths than I cared to think about.
“Eddie? You okay?”
“Hmm?” I breathed in a brain-dead tone, before shaking the cobwebs loose in my head and forcing a smile, “Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”
“Alright…” Quinn replied, obviously not believing me, before opening the door, “You’re clear. Hurry though, that patrol could turn around at any moment.”
I slipped out of the closet with a nod and started my cautious jog toward the bridge again, “You think we’ll be able to do it?”
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