Now, I was frowning. There it was again, Paul chalking up my thoughts and choices to fear. I had a reason, and I tried to explain.
“I know about love and not seeking it. I watched my father love my mother more than she loved him. It was agonizing. Imagine me knowing that no matter how much I loved him and considered him the most amazing man in the world, he couldn’t have the one thing he wanted more than anything: her. How excruciating it was to watch him chase after a love that had long ago faded? I don’t see love, or much else in life lasting.”
I’d brought up a secret truth. One I hadn’t even confessed to Dr. Casey. One that told Paul I hadn’t been completely honest about how fine things were with my family.
“I hear what you’re saying,” he said. “But I still think your answer is that you’re afraid. I’m sorry to learn your father was unhappy, and I’m sympathetic that he wasn’t willing to try again with someone else, but everyone has a cross to bear. His love for your mother didn’t fade. You can have the love you want if you’re willing to risk your heart to get it.”
I pursed my lips. He was infuriating—calling me out, when I had nothing to offer that would challenge his theory. I suppose you live fearlessly. “You’ll let your heart get crushed.” He had a lot less to risk than I did.
“Yes,” he replied. “If pain is the cost of love, I’ll take it. It hurts like hell, I know, but I want to feel everything.”
My heart hammered in my chest as I stared at him. I wanted to know everything about Paul Crane. He’s a romantic.
We ate our main course of pan-seared scallops, green peas, baby carrots, and purple asparagus mostly in silence, until he said, “I’ve answered a few of your personal questions. I believe I deserve a turn. Why did you leave Juilliard? If you worked more on technique, any symphony would have you. I could see you as a soloist one day.”
I stared down at my hands as an ache grew in my chest. His compliment and his belief in my music touched me to the core, but his question had thrown me off guard. I wasn’t sure how to answer it without telling him things I didn’t like—and he wouldn’t like—about myself. So, I told him some truths.
“That life’s not for me. I didn’t want to leave, but I had no choice. The violin would not pay the bills. It was a long shot at having a life I couldn’t maintain. My contract job at Emono gave me a new career.”
My throat closed. I braced myself, ready to hear more of his hard life facts, but he reached across the table and covered my hand with his. I tried to remain still as a rush of something irresistible swept through my veins. Did he feel it too? My pulse beat faster as I glanced at his face. It had softened.
“Leaving something you love and are passionate about must have been hard. I don’t believe your violin wouldn’t have paid the bills as you say, but that’s a discussion for another time. I believe your pursuit of audio and sound engineering is highly commendable, and to work in one of the top companies on their blockbuster game franchise is something to be proud of.”
My heart swelled. “Thank you,” I murmured.
“You know what? How about I make myself available for you and Daniel to shadow me tomorrow?” he offered. “It’s optional, because it’s not all related to Emono. I will have an artist in the studio for a session, though. If we’re available, we can play together, too, but it’ll have to be after work. That way you won’t need to come up with any more creative ‘ins’ to reach me. What do you say?”
I bounced on my seat. “You had me at ‘shadowing you.’ I’d love to. Thank you.”
He appeared pleased by my enthusiasm, and I was happy I’d shown it to him.
“Now tell me what music you are listening to right now?” he asked.
“Mostly your artists,” I said. “I researched their music, but lately not much. I think I’ve fallen into old habits, sticking with the familiar.”
He grinned and nodded. “I like your honesty. There’s wonderful new music out there. I try to stay up on what’s mainstream and avoid what’s just trend. My goal for all my artists is to make music that will last. What do you think of fusion?”
I made a face, and he laughed.
“Oh, I’ll enjoy changing your mind.”
I beamed at him. “I’d love that.”
We ate our warm apple crostatas for dessert and kept the conversation light, talking mostly about music. I expressed what a traditional music snob I was but delighted in how passionately he talked about some artist I’d not heard of. It made me want to listen to the music he was mentioning. Paul had that way about him: anything and everything seemed to lift when he was around, including me. I got caught up in our chat about music and creation, as if I were back in the classical music world. I didn’t think about my problems. I had the chance to be my other self, and it was exhilarating.
When I came back from the restroom, Paul had gathered our things, ready for us to go.
“Thank you for tonight,” I said.
The hostess escorted us out a side entrance, where his driver was waiting, and too quickly we reached my place. We’d recovered from earlier, but something nagged me about the set up. Paul was nothing but easy to discuss things with, so I asked him.
“I’m still confused about what Gunnar thought he’d gain by having me go to the yoga center.”
Paul stiffened in the seat next to me. “He thought he was protecting me, but it won’t happen again.”
“Gunnar was protecting you from me?” My eyebrows rose in surprise. “I think I’m in more danger than you are. You could fire me.”
“I’m not,” he agreed. “It’s more to do with a lawsuit pending by a former client. He thinks by implicating you as attempting to pursue me, I’d be free from a sexual harassment lawsuit.”
My insides crumbled. I may not have much, but I have pride. “I’d never try to entrap you. That’s what the two of you thought I’d do…?”
“I didn’t know about his plan, and I’m sorry you were hurt.” Paul clasped my hands. He seemed sincere, but I didn’t want to listen to him anymore. I wanted to deal with my pain alone, and fortunately the car had stopped.
I pulled my hands away. “You and your attorney will never have to worry about me. I’ll never step out of line again. Neither will you. I can see myself inside.”
I left the car, but he was right on my heels as I stormed to the front entrance of my building.
I opened the door with my key, and he came right up behind me, his hand on the door blocking my progress.
“Stop, please,” he said in an authoritative tone. The pressure of his body against my back and the smell of his cologne were a potent aphrodisiac. I was instantly hot with lust, and I cursed myself for it. Why couldn’t I let him go?
“The last thing you need to be is alone, but I won’t force you to have me stay. My experience with my ex can’t leave me without a doubt, but it was never my intention, nor did I agree to go to extreme measures to hurt you. I’d let myself be hurt first.” His voice slightly wavered, making me turn to look at him. My chest tightened at his drawn expression.
“I’m sorry, but gold digging and entrapment games are not me,” I said and shook my head. “It never crossed my mind to do that. It’s not who I am. I was genuinely over the moon when you asked to hear me play. I enjoyed talking to you and playing music together. I wanted a kiss… maybe more, but I’d have taken playing music and talking again. The yoga was an impulse, but I honestly thought you weren’t going to be there, and I didn’t do it to… to trap you. I understand that it was Gunnar, but it still makes me sick. I want to be alone now. Just go, Mr. Crane, please. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
My formality was my protective wall. It put back into place the structures of our worlds. He was my boss, nothing more.
He removed his hand from the door and turned me towards him to face him. “I’m sorry, Aubrey. Truly I am, I’d never purposefully hurt you.” His gaze was intense and imploring. There was sincerity in his tone, and I softened, leaning closer to him.
We were close enough to kiss. He didn’t make a move, only stayed where he was, a stoic, powerful presence, contained and patient, waiting for me to let go of my hurt, but I couldn’t.
I broke away from him and went inside my apartment, not stopping until I was in my bedroom and had closed the door. There, I curled up on my side and closed my eyes. Even then I couldn’t stop myself from doing what he’d told me to do tonight. I let myself feel that pain, and it tugged me under. My mind was stuck on how my interest in Paul had been used against me. If that was his world, then perhaps I didn’t know—or want to know—Paul Crane at all.
Paul
“You ready to talk about what happened?” Gunnar asked, grabbing hold of my free-standing bag in our office gym. He was being cryptic to keep Daniel in the dark.
“Later,” I told him, and went back to my cross-punch repetitions, hitting the bag harder than before.
We were in cool-off mode after he’d set up Aubrey. I understood Gunnar’s intentions, but I would have considered us not working together anymore had he not brought with him proof my situation had turned critical. He had copies of filings from Siena’s sexual harassment and hostile work environment counter lawsuit. He was there for me, to work through the stress and pain of assuring my partners and company that everything was under control, though some had asked if I’d consider taking a leave of absence.
It killed me. I’d brought someone into my life who had planned all along to grift me if she didn’t get her way. Merciless wasn’t my way with women, and Aubrey didn’t deserve what he did to her. But I couldn’t argue that the patterns of my relationships with women I worked with had to change.
I made a habit never to lie, and when Aubrey asked me why Gunnar had sent her to the yoga class, I told her. But her fascination with me only made things worse. I knew that she felt it. I recognized the same feeling towards her in me. She charmed me.
She’d been adorably flirty and nosy over dinner, treating me like a new friend instead of a boss. And although I found her quest to avoid the very human pitfalls of life naïve, I’d enjoyed hearing what had led her to feel that way and to make the choices she’d made.
I found her perseverance and determination as sexy as seeing her naked. She’d unabashedly shown up in a class she thought I’d be in. I believed her when she said she had no longer expected me to show up, but then she didn’t stop to cover her breast or her pussy when I found her. Intriguing.
She went with her instincts, like she had done in the elevator to my apartment. It was something I’d seen when she played her violin. She dared me, and that attracted and fascinated me. It made me want to push her all the way out of her protective shell. When I brought her out, I was sure I’d have her in my bed. I’d enjoy discovering what kind of lover she was, and what kind of lover she’d bring out in me.
Of course, these thoughts headed down old territory. I didn’t want to hurt her, when it couldn’t go further than the thrill and excitement of our creative bond.
Mid thought, I stopped hitting the bag and frowned. Was I the type who needed that thrill and didn’t work to keep it alive? Shit. Now Aubrey’s ideas about relationships were in my head. I had chased lust and passion in the past. My future called for something deeper, and I still believed I’d find it. Unlike her, she who had resolved never to expect love would last. As talented as she was, I thought it a crime that she’d switched careers. I understood her reason, but I didn’t like that she’d live unfulfilled, musically or otherwise.
I landed a front kick, striking the bag with the ball of my foot. What I needed was for this soundtrack project to move forward, but I didn’t know how she’d react at work today. Hell, if I didn’t know she needed this job, I’d expect her to leave the project. That would be the worst-case scenario, since I’d already signed off with Emono and she was part of the reason I took on their soundtrack.
“Are you finished?” Gunnar asked, breaking into my thoughts.
I removed my gloves and wiped the sweat from my forehead. “Yes, I am. Our first meeting starts in an hour. Are you coming, Daniel?”
Daniel was a skilled kickboxer and that made me think better of him that he hadn’t lied about it.
I’d extended the same offer I’d made Aubrey for him to shadow me today. Something I never gave to clients.
“No, I thought I’d settle in,” Daniel said, rolling his neck. “Mike gave me manuals to read, but I might be able to make it to your recording session with Sky.”
I made my face blank, without bothering to tell him this would be the only time I’d ever extend an offer his way. He’d never last here. Everyone at my production studio worked to exceed my high expectations. They understood the harder they worked, the more rewarded they’d be. I left it to other management companies to hire the likable lazy types.
If Daniel was the norm at Emono, my dad’s idea to overhaul the New York City office wasn’t off. I’d consider it if we bought the company together. Though from his going around to talk to Gary on his own, I suspected Dad might buy the company himself. His taking Aubrey backstage was his way of letting me know that he’d already realized I’d had her over to my place. It wasn’t any of his business, but he was throwing his fatherly spotlight on pitfalls he thought I didn’t see.
I left to use the private shower in my office. My cell phone lit with a new batch of messages from Siena.
6:01 A.M. My lawyer said you refuse to settle. Do you want your personal life in the tabloids?
6:22 A M. All you have is messages. I have you dating me and not promoting my last album.
6:27 A.M. My case is stronger. The movers I had to hire to leave the condo damaged my stuff.
6:29 A.M. I will add this to the cost of my lawsuit.
Gunnar was already sitting in the chair across from my desk when I entered my office. I handed over my phone to him.
“I’m sure her lawyer told her no contact, and we could get a restraining order, but I like these messages.” Gunnar eyed the texts with glee, reaching the same conclusion as I had. “We have records of all the concerts and interviews we had booked that she didn’t show up for. Maximum Music has the footage of her going diva on her last tour. She’s canceled.”
I pursed my mouth. I remembered the interview, and they’d left off what she’d done from their footage as a favor. She’d demeaned the staff and performed three hours late, all the while throwing my name around as leverage.
“That’ll work. I’ll have Eileen send over a release to them,” I said.
It was more juicy news for the media. More intrusion that would force me to second guess every move I made in public now. Gunnar was still getting the frosty treatment, and apparently, he was ready to clear the air.
“I’ve apologized, can we get over it now?” he said. “I didn’t tell Aubrey to stay and take off her clothes. She did that on her own.”
“She wouldn’t have been there in the first place if it hadn’t been for you,” I replied curtly.
A knock on my door interrupted us. It was Aubrey. Her power suit was more formal and less business casual than most in the office. Her hair was up in a bun. It had me thinking she was going for an interview, and that had my pulse moving faster. “Good morning. What can I do for you?”
“Actually, I’m here to see your lawyer.” She walked over to Gunnar and took out an envelope from her bag for him to take.
“What is this?” Gunnar eyed me and grinned before flicking his attention back to her.
“An affidavit,” she replied. “It states that I’ll never sue Mr. Crane for any monetary damages for harassment. It says he’s been professional, and I was grateful for the opportunity.”
I doubted the gesture would hold up in arbitration, but what got me was her gratitude line. It was something you put in a resignation letter.
“You’re not quitting, are you?” I asked and stood. My head spun around what I’d do if she left before we started.
“No,” she said and jutted her chin. “I�
��m securing our professional relationship for the project. I will not step out of line, and neither will you.”
She looked at me then, and my chest tightened. I recognized that sad look of hers. I’d seen it the few times she’d spoken of her family.
“I won’t. I’m sorry,” I told her.
Gunnar took the envelope and smirked. “Is this the part where I’m supposed to tear this up and declare an undying trust in you? I’ve been there. I’ll look it over—and if I need more, I’ll email something else for you to sign.”
She glared at him. “You do that, and I believe this statement also gives me the latitude of telling you to go fuck yourself.”
I believed it did, and I knew Gunnar well enough to know that her words didn’t bother him at all. In fact, he was eyeing her with newfound interest. Fuck off, Gunnar.
“Good for you. You may last in this business,” he said as way of praise.
“I didn’t ask, nor do I care about your opinion of me,” she told him in an icy tone.
She showed guts and heart. He’d be in love with her if she kept at it.
My stare turned hard, and I could feel my cock stir in my jeans. I wasn’t immune to the sexiness in her determination. I was losing count of the many ways Aubrey Irving impressed me.
“Thank you, Ms. Irving. Do you have anything else before the meeting?” I asked.
“I do, Mr. Crane,” she said, responding with her formal tone. “Emono Games offered me overtime after work today, and I’ll be taking it. If you still want to play music, I only have an hour. I’ll use my lunch hour to cover the time.”
“No. You take your lunch, we flex-time here,” I replied.
My tone was sharp, but it wasn’t directed towards Aubrey. Emono was getting her to work here without reallocating her workload there. Her salary was a travesty too. No doubt they set it low to keep her willing to do whatever they needed her to do. “I’ll take the hour.”
Unfinished Sympathy Page 14