My insides crumbled, and I struggled to speak as my throat closed. “But I thought you said there was a chance for me to get that job? You told me the job was open for both of us.”
Her brows furrowed. “Well, it’s now closed. The elimination of the soundtrack makes all parts of your previous contract agreement void. Your team all agreed that they love having you as a contractor. We’re prepared to give you a new contract that will guarantee your employment for a year.”
I nodded dully. “The contract already agreed to keep me through the release of Absolution, but that’s now gone? How do I know you won’t change this agreement too?”
“I understand you’re upset,” she said in a tone that showed the opposite. “I can assure you the new contract agreement is secure, and we have the funding for your position for the year. I can promise you that you’ll be here at Emono to work on the rest of the game and the release of Absolution, and you’ll get a bonus. However, the bonuses for the contract jobs have slightly changed, but I negotiated that you get five thousand dollars. That’s two more than the other contractors, because I know how difficult the situation with your family is.”
I bit my cheek hard to stop the chaos inside me from overwhelming me. My mind raced as my stomach lurched. Bringing up my family was a low blow, but I’d invited her into that part of my life when I’d asked for an advance paycheck. Emono Games had eliminated my job, and the new contract returned me to my old salary, ten dollars less per hour. Instead of getting the twenty-five-thousand-dollar game bonus they had promised, I’d get five thousand. On top of all that, they’d given the full-time job to Daniel. Nothing I’d done mattered. Paul had been right to go ahead with our trip. Emono had already decided I wasn’t the one they’d hire.
Yasmine took out a stack of stapled sheets of paper. “We have the new contract for you to sign today. You won’t have to wait,” she added with a laugh.
“Do I… do I have to decide today?” I stuttered. My mind and my mouth were at cross purposes. I had little choice but to take her offer and help my family. They’d blindsided me. Still, I needed time.
Her brows knitted. “I suppose we can give you the weekend—but I mean, you’re right here. It’s the same as your old contract. Why not sign it now? That way we can get the paperwork through for your next paycheck. I have more meetings set today.”
I picked up the contract and stood. My legs wobbled. “Sorry. I’ll need time to read it for myself.”
“Fine,” she said, and blew out her breath. “Well, if you want to work today, please change the schedule on your computer. Close the door on your way out and tell my assistant to block my schedule for the next hour. Thank you.”
I was dismissed. That was all I meant to the job I’d worked night and day for.
I stood and walked out of her office, numb. My world was falling apart, and all I could do was drift.
On the way to my office, I could hear the celebration going on in Logan’s office for Daniel. Did they give him lunch again? I thought bitterly as I turned on the lights and put away my bag.
What about Paul? He had to be hurting too. I took out my phone and called him, but his went to voice mail. I knew he was in meetings about the news. They’d fucked him over too.
I went to turn on my computer and realized it was already on. My door opened and Quinn came in. The harsh squint in his eyes and the tightness of his jaw revealed he already knew what had happened to me. He came over and placed his hands on my shoulders. “You’re better than this. Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head and kept my face hidden. “I’m just going to work.”
“I’m here if you need me,” he said.
After Quinn left, I decided I needed to compartmentalize the pain. If I focused on work, I wouldn’t fall apart. I’d keep it together, but could I do it today?
A text came in from Paul.
10:07 AM: I see you called. I know about the news. We’ll talk about it. How about I pick you up now?
Ryan appeared at my door and I quickly wrote back.
10:08 AM: Okay. Sorry about Absolution
“Oh, this is awkward,” Ryan said loudly, getting my attention.
I glimpsed his smug face as he swaggered into the room and kicked the door closed with his foot.
I went back to shutting down my computer. “I was just leaving. I’m still off today. I only stopped by to check on progress.”
“Since you’re here, would you mind packing up your office?” he said. “Daniel likes yours better. In fact, he was working in here when you were at Crane Productions.”
I nodded. So, he was the one who had been messing with my files. Not that it mattered now. “Fine.”
I immediately turned back and opened the drawers, removing my files. At a quick glance, I found little that belonged to me.
“We will be moving you to a cubical and then you can use the offices when Daniel schedules you,” he gloated.
I tightened my jaw. If I sign the new agreement. “Anything else?”
“I’ll admit your little presentation was good,” he said, not listening. “They might revive the soundtrack for the next game. If you’re here, I’ll definitely recommend you for it, should we need more temps. It’s too bad you can’t work for Crane Productions with the no-poaching rule. I know from Daniel you’re close to Mr. Crane.”
I continued to pack my folders and didn’t answer.
He huffed. “You can speak, you know. It wasn’t just my decision. Logan and Gary wanted Daniel too.”
“Then congratulations to all of you,” I said, my voice monotone. I stood and put my bag on my shoulder. “If you’ll excuse me.”
He blocked my path. “You’re already here, you can at least finish cleaning out your office.”
My phone rang. It was my sister. “I’ve got to go. If Daniel can drop whatever is left in my cubicle, that’ll be fine.”
He squinted at me. “I see your vacation helped you work on your attitude.”
My fingers clenched my bag as I walked past him. I wanted to scream and do a total Jerry Maguire move, flipping the hell out, but what would that accomplish? What would that change?
I walked to the stairs and down a flight. I still had phone reception; I called my sister back. “Yes?”
“You missed Mom’s birthday,” she said.
I glared at the phone. “She has my card.”
“You didn’t call,” she pointed out.
“Why should I? So you can block me from wishing her a good birthday?” I clenched my teeth. “So you could enjoy watching me beg and cry to speak to our mom while you sit on your throne looking down at me? No, I didn’t call. I didn’t even think to call because when I do, you poison her against me. No matter what I sacrifice, it’s not as enormous as the sacrifice you’re making.”
“Stop being dramatic and take your meds!” she yelled down the line.
“I’m done!” I yelled back. “It’s over. I will no longer do whatever you demand, nor will I continue to allow you to keep my mom away from me. See you in court,” I threatened and hung up on her.
I didn’t care who’d heard me as I rushed down the remaining four flights to the exit. I was too hot, too miserable. I was unraveling, and I needed to get hold of myself.
I sat by Quinn’s plant and found someone nearby with a cigarette. “Can I have one?”
The man gave me a peculiar look but handed me one. I sucked on it and coughed, then threw it away. What I wanted was something stronger. Something that would make me stop feeling.
“You wasted it,” the guy said, but I didn’t really care. I waited for him to say something else, so I’d blow my top. There was a volcano inside me, and I wanted it to erupt. I wanted a release from this prison I had boxed myself in for life.
Paul’s car appeared, and I got into it. He wasn’t inside, and I didn’t ask Regan where we were going. I thought how stupid I’d been for believing Emono Games would have my back and not looking for another job. How I’d count
ed on the extra money to help my family.
When I came to my senses, I realized we’d stopped. We weren’t at my apartment, or at Paul’s. We weren’t even at Crane Productions. We were at Lincoln Center.
Paul came forward on the sidewalk, grinning with a rose in one hand and the Testore in the other. “We lost today, but we can restart. Here.”
Lincoln Center, the home of Juilliard School. The place where my life had ended.
I shifted from foot to foot. My stomach lurched with dread. All I wanted to do was run, but I couldn’t. With music back in my life, the conversation about Juilliard was long overdue. Paul deserved to know the whole truth. I had to tell him.
“There can’t be any Juilliard for me, Paul,” I said, and choked on the words before clearing my throat. “They expelled me. There is no going back.”
His eyes widened in disbelief. “What? Expelled? I don’t understand. Let’s talk.”
I wiped the tear that slid down my chin. “Yes, it’s time that we talk. You need to know what I haven’t told you so you can know the real me.”
He frowned. “What do you mean the real you? I know you. You’re upset about Emono, and I understand. What is this about being expelled?” He looked completely perplexed.
He gestured for me to return to the car. I shook my head but agreed to follow him over to Central Park. We sat down on a bench and he waited for me to speak.
“I’m not only upset about losing the job at Emono.” My eyes darted around, unwilling to look at him. “I need you to know the reason Juilliard expelled me, and why being a professional violinist is no longer an option for me.”
I gulped, and Paul tried to put his arms around me, but I put my hands up to block him.
“After my dad died, I couldn’t stop thinking about his death and how I caused it. All my professional training and expenses were a huge burden. He worked himself to death to help me. I ruined his and our family’s life. I couldn’t bear it. I stopped going to class…”
“You were grieving,” he said and squeezed my hand. “I’m sure that Julliard understood your circumstances.”
I couldn’t meet Paul’s eyes and my chin trembled. I wish what I’d done ended there, but it didn’t. My throat seemed to close, perhaps to stop me from telling him the things I’d done that had most shamed me.
“I had not only stop going to class, I started taking drugs. I was already on academic probation and I should have stopped, but I didn’t. One night, I went out with a friend to a party. We both were doing drugs, and I got so high I blacked out. When I woke up, he wasn’t moving. He’d overdosed. Why did I take so much and didn’t call 911 to save him? Why didn’t I help him? I couldn’t stop crying.”
“I couldn’t get up or leave the house. I couldn’t sleep anymore. I wasn’t sure I deserved to live. I was so out of control that my sister had me committed and placed on a forty-eight-hour hold in a mental health facility. After they released me, I found out the car I rode to the party in had been stolen and trashed. My belongings were recovered when the police impounded it. They found my drugs in my bag. I got possession charges. However, they were considering charging me with my friend’s overdose and death.”
Paul shocked expression had me turning away from him. Though he said, “You needed help. Most of that wasn’t in your control.”
“No one forced me to do drugs. I’m responsible,” I said. “My family had to use the little money my dad had left in savings for a lawyer to keep me out of jail. I was given a large fine, community service, and mental health counseling. While this was going on, the student council met, and they expelled me from Juilliard. Later, my sister wouldn’t allow me to come home, and no judge would allow me guardianship of my mom. I struggled to get a job, and Emono was the first good one I found as an ex-violinist with no real work history. Now, you know the truth about me. I broke my family; and I broke my life.”
“You were grieving,” he said in a gentle tone. “Everyone does things they aren’t proud of. I have, too. Anyone with a heart would understand that. I do.”
“You understand? I don’t.” I shook my head. “That’s what you hear when I play the violin. That’s certifiable misery from my dad’s death, from my mom’s mental breakdown and my sister’s ruined life. All because of me. My sister never fails to remind me, and demands I make amends by being financially supportive. I’m not allowed to see my mom as a punishment.”
“That’s unfair to you. You grieved and made mistakes. You don’t deserve your sister’s treatment,” he said. “I’m sorry. If I’d known about what happened, I’d have—”
“Stayed away?” I cleared the tears that blurred my vision. “You got me all caught up in dreams, but you said things could go wrong. You even said they could cut the soundtrack. Did you know in Prague?”
He blew out his breath and shoved his hands into his hair. “Yes, my dad said it was a possibility.”
“You kept it from me.” I clenched my hands. “Of course, you did, you didn’t want to ruin your good time. That’s all I was, right? Let’s be free and find our way without a real commitment.”
“That’s not fair,” he said, his brows pulling together. “I was trying not to rush in the beginning. I wanted to be sure that what we had, I mean what we have, is real.”
“You were right, we had something,” I said, my voice like gravel.
I stood to leave, and Paul grabbed my arm. “You keep running when things get tough. You can’t keep doing this. Allow me to speak to the dean and the board on your behalf. We can work this out.” He took my shoulders again. His eyes were both irresistible and hard to bear.
My anguish fought against my resolve. I closed my eyes, my heart constricting in my chest. “Just let me go. I need to leave.”
“You’re not giving up on us. I don’t want to be without you, Aubrey.” His voice broke.
“You can and you will,” I said. “I’m not the violinist that you thought I was. I’m not the person you thought I was. You think I’m selfless, but it’s the opposite. I thought only of myself when my father died. I went on a spree in my grief, and someone else ended up dying. My family was ruined because of me, and instead of working harder, I let it all drop to wallow in my misery alone … Is this the person you thought you knew? Is this a person you can love?”
This time when I walked away, he didn’t follow.
So, I kept going, all the way to Grand Central Station.
There was nothing left but home.
Aubrey
My heart grew too large to be contained in its cage, turning my every breath into agony. Fear had finally locked my throat. Paul was gone, and the crippling emptiness had returned. And where did I go? Where no one wanted me.
My love for home had abandoned me the day my father died. His Honda sedan was in the driveway, as it had been when I’d lived there. The yard was slightly slanted, with a flattened path on the overgrown patches of brown and green grass. Mom’s asters were lost among the weeds near the chipped fence.
I took a few moments to pick a few weeds and clear out the flyers crowding the screen over the front door. It had remained locked and unused since Mom’s mental break, when she had run outside naked and screaming. That had occurred more than once. Mom always chose the front door for her escapes.
I run away too.
Memories dragged me like an undertow, moving me where I hadn’t been since they threw me out.
“You can’t stay here,” Faith said after my mom let me come inside with my bag.
I bit my lip until I tasted blood. I didn’t have time to cry. I needed to plan. I needed a place to stay, but I had nowhere to go.
“She can stay in my room,” my mother told her.
“If she stays here, then I’m leaving,” Faith hissed at our mother.
“But I have nowhere to go,” I said.
“You’ll find somewhere,” Faith replied. “I mean it, Mom. She stays here, I’m gone.”
Mom dropped her chin to her chest, and I waite
d for her to lift her face. When she did and our eyes met, her tears mirrored mine. They told me all she was thinking. She was afraid but wasn’t going to be able to help me this time.
While I wanted to dive into my mother’s arms and cry, I couldn’t allow my sister to see the chaos brewing within me.
“May I stay tonight? I have deliveries of my belongings coming from school.” My voice was surprisingly even, though a bit hoarse.
Faith’s mouth twisted, and I quickly added, “For storage. I’ll pick them up when I find a place to stay.”
A smile curled Faith’s lip. “We don’t have room for your stuff. You can put it in the garage or the basement. One night.”
She took out her phone and made a call to one of her friends, I assumed. “Guess what? Aubrey’s not at Juilliard anymore. My dad gave her everything and she threw it all away. She’s like I said, a nothing.”
The pain tore at my throat as I fought to breathe. I couldn’t go inside in this state. I dug my fingers into my palm until my mind took the bait and found something else to hurt me.
I moved briskly around the littered path to the side door in the driveway. The volume of the television was high, and I doubted my sister would hear the bell, but I remained where I stood. I could no longer cross inside on my own. I hadn’t tried since she’d denied me entry, after I’d left Juilliard.
“Who is it?” Faith called out from behind the closed door.
“Aubrey,” I called back.
The door unlocked and when I opened it, Faith was already headed for the bedrooms in the back when I walked inside. She was tall and thin like my mom, with sandy-brown curly hair. She wore pressed floral shirt and slacks, with a scarf around her neck. She always appeared put together. That was something my dad had admired about her. It was one of the reasons he’d left her in charge of our lives.
The kitchen was packed with delivery boxes around the four-seater dinette I’d bought one Christmas. I went into the living room first and stopped. A woman lounged across the couch with her shoes on, the television clicker in her hand. A baby was cooing away on a blanket on the floor next to her, and a suitcase stood by the couch.
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