We also learn to ask for help when we need it. Many of us struggle in recovery when we become sick or disabled because our beliefs about being self-supporting make it hard to seek the assistance we may desperately need. The humility we learn from working the steps allows us to ask for help when necessary, and to know that we are neither too good to have needs nor too bad to deserve a hand. We may find that what we want is very different from what we need, and learning to adapt to our circumstances can give us a flexibility that we hadn’t imagined before. We learn to accept help, and find other ways to contribute as well. Losing everything isn’t a life sentence, just as having it all doesn’t mean we will not be in need again.
Prudence is a principle some of us practice more than others. It’s a funny word, but it’s what we are talking about when we refer in service to a “prudent reserve.” A member shared: “I learned to be responsible and prudent with NA funds, so I don’t misappropriate other people’s funds either. I have learned the principles of honesty and accountability. It’s part of walking my talk and applying the principles.”
In service, we learn to take on obligations thoughtfully to ensure that we can follow through on what we’ve promised. In other areas of our lives as well, we find that planning and following through makes us feel good about ourselves. We do our best to ensure that we can be responsible even if our circumstances change. “I went through a hard time in my business and had to live off my savings for a while. I was ashamed to talk about it in meetings, but I shared with a fellow addict. Later he told me that this was a message of hope for him. Because I planned ahead, I was able to make it through a tough time. What I saw as a failure, he saw as a success. One more time, I gained a better perspective on my life.”
We also notice in NA that those who do not give it away tend not to keep it; the idea that giving is a crucial part of having is something many of us are surprised to discover. We may or may not have material wealth, but our emotional, spiritual, and mental resources are enormous. We have a wealth of experience. When we give our energy, time, talent, and creativity, we are rewarded many times over.
Work
While the steps help us to become better people, service is one way we learn how to function in the world again. Many of the skills we learn in service translate into our working lives. We may sometimes feel like outsiders or imposters in our jobs, but in NA service we are full participants. We don’t second-guess our primary purpose or our right to participate. In a fellowship where the ultimate authority is a power greater than ourselves, we learn how to work with others as a peer with something to offer and something to learn, rather than seeing ourselves as an authority or a victim. We learn to channel our energy in a constructive direction, and we can practice staying focused. We stretch beyond our current abilities and find that we can survive and succeed even if we are not perfect. Service counteracts selfishness and increases our feelings of self-worth. We learn to step back and think before we respond. Not everything that affects us is personal, and we don’t have to return fire every time. NA gives us a safe place to make mistakes, find out who we are, and learn how to relate to people. The things that make us defensive or self-righteous tend to be pretty much the same wherever we go. We see our character defects manifesting and find humility, make amends, or just change course and start over. Everyone makes mistakes; promptly admitting when we are wrong shows integrity and responsibility for our actions.
The experience of service helps us take on responsibilities and learn to meet them as we go. We learn to sit still and listen, and to make our voice heard when we have something to say. We start to feel we can take our rightful place in the world, without feeling fear or shame. As we practice these principles in all our affairs, some of the distinctions between who we are in our work lives and in our recovery lives begin to fall away.
One way we practice these principles is to be of service to our employer. Some members have asked themselves: “How do I practice unity at work? How do I let my HP be in charge during my workday? What is the primary purpose of this workplace, and how can I help achieve that? What is my primary purpose here?” Whatever our job is, when we can see it as an opportunity to practice our principles it becomes a worthy use of our time. A member shared: “Responsibility used to feel like a burden to me. Learning to see it as a way to do my Higher Power’s will made it feel like a privilege.” With spiritual principles as our guide, we can be an asset wherever we are. Often the people around us see our value before we do. Perhaps most of all, when we are spiritually connected, creativity flows through us. This doesn’t necessarily mean that we paint or make music (though it can), but that we can see solutions to problems and find satisfaction in doing whatever we do as best we can.
The transition from NA to work is not always seamless. We may be really shocked to find that outside NA the Third Tradition does not apply. We are not members of other groups just because we want to be. We may have to earn our seat at another table, and there are some places we may never be accepted as we would wish. Additionally, what would seem perfectly natural with our NA friends can be inappropriate or even shocking elsewhere. We are conscious of how we share our feelings and our histories. We learn the difference between friendships, recovery relationships, and professional relationships, and we begin to understand that we can alter our behavior without having to compromise ourselves.
As we advance in our step work, we are more capable of acknowledging our progress in other areas as well. The humility that we learn in the steps helps us find where we belong in the world. We start to feel that we are no better or worse than anyone else, even at work, and that our gifts are useful. One member talked about finding a job that suited his “skills and ills”; when we find the right environment, we see that we can be distinguished by some of the things that used to make us most uncomfortable about ourselves. Some of us are naturally industrious, and others are really good at sitting still and being present in the moment. Either one can be an asset or a defect, depending on how we use it. The guilt of being unproductive and stealing time at work feeds on itself. On the other hand, the drive to stay in constant motion can be a consequence of fear. When we don’t take time to reflect on what we’re doing and how we’re doing it, small mistakes can add up quickly. As with everything else we do, we seek a healthy balance.
Our issues may differ, but the principles we practice are the same. Some of us never worked before we got clean, and for others of us work was all we did. By the same token, some of us don’t need to work for financial reasons, and some are too disabled to be able to work steadily anymore. Still, we can benefit from keeping a schedule and being accountable. We may resist structure in our lives, but it can help us enormously. We are, after all, creatures of habit. When we feel we have a purpose that gives shape to our days, we are more comfortable with ourselves and our lives. Our work can be something we do to fill time or to pay the bills, or it may be one of the primary ways we define ourselves. Those of us who have work that is meaningful or valuable to us are fortunate. It’s a goal many of us work toward, and when we feel that we’re doing a good job at something that matters, it brings a deep satisfaction. Whoever we are, wherever we come from, we have something to offer.
Our work ethic is the collection of habits that determine how we use our time. When we set our minds to something, we can be exceptionally determined. Few people are ever as driven in their lives as an addict in search of a fix. When we learn to turn that determination toward healthy goals, we can achieve amazing things. We know if we do something regularly, it will become a habit for us. What begins as discipline develops into habit, and eventually it becomes a pleasure. There is danger in this method, however. Substitution can be deadly, especially when it seems to be working for us. The hallmark of our disease is progression. When we notice that our relationship to an activity has allowed us to justify unmanageability elsewhere in our lives, it’s probably time for a good, hard look at our actions, our motives—and our steps.
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We can be haunted by feelings of inadequacy well into our recovery, and spend our time and energy trying to prove ourselves or live up to an unattainable and imaginary standard. We may swing between being very insecure and eager to please, and resisting the most basic rules and requirements of a job. Our lack of self-acceptance shows when we can’t take compliments. When we feel bad about ourselves or unworthy, we tend to overcompensate. We may find ourselves covering for others or taking undesirable shifts for fear that we are somehow more expendable than others. “I excelled at work,” said a member, “but I still didn’t feel responsible or productive. Inadequacy haunted me.” It can be hard to tell the difference between a genuine desire to do better and performance that’s driven by fear.
When fear is driving us, we may notice that procrastination becomes an issue. We are afraid to finish what we start, and begin making excuses. “When I get close to the end of a project, it feels like I’m in a wind tunnel. I don’t know where the resistance comes from, but it’s so strong I can barely get my feet under me.” We can have so many ideas and so much unfinished business that making a decision about what to do next compounds our anxiety. One addict shared that he “felt like a quarter horse in a one-mile race: a great starter but a really poor finisher.”
Sometimes we can even use our defects to our advantage. For example, we may beat ourselves up because we procrastinate what we fear. We can also use that energy to get a lot of other things done. “I am rarely more productive than when I’m procrastinating,” said one member. “I might get the whole house clean because I’m putting off studying, or I’ll get the bills done because I don’t want to have a hard conversation.” But all that effort spent on busywork doesn’t get us closer to our goal. Sooner or later, we must admit the truth and deal with the thing we are avoiding. Most of the time, the avoidance takes much more energy than the doing. Efficiency is the result of clearing out that defective stuff that drains us of our time and energy.
We strive for balance, and we find it in different ways. When we get more comfortable with ourselves, we are more comfortable with others as well. Our willingness and humility show as a genuine desire to do better, no matter how well we are doing—not because we have something to prove, but because we care. We can practice principles in the workplace without being naïve or overly eager to please. As we stay clean, we develop a new history. Our colleagues may not have seen us in desperation and might have no reason to guess that we are addicts in recovery. We don’t have to let go of our anonymity to integrate who we are into our careers. That’s a choice we can make for ourselves. We are human beings, doing our best to be responsible and productive.
Working can become an alibi for not practicing our program. We have heard many times that we will lose anything we put in front of our recovery, and many of us have experienced this with jobs or material things that seemed to make recovery obsolete or inconvenient. When we are using the tools available to us, we can see the challenges we encounter in our work as opportunities to practice our program. Applying the principles never makes life worse. When we are not practicing our program, our problems become magnified unreasonably. We feel overly responsible, obsessed, and compelled to keep going, even when a break might be the thing that would give us needed perspective.
We are successful members of society, in and out of the workforce. We have as much integrity toward our jobs and the people we serve outside the rooms as we do inside the rooms—and that’s the point. When we practice these principles in all our affairs, we bring so much to the world. It’s not just a theory or another awful lecture about our “potential.” It’s our experience; it’s what we do.
Anonymity
Our addiction no longer sets us apart, but making the decision to tell people about our membership in NA should be done with care. We can be recklessly casual about our anonymity. “Anonymous” is half our name for a reason. There is still stigma attached to being an addict, and there may also be consequences to admitting we’re in recovery. Caution isn’t the only reason for anonymity. The Twelfth Tradition tells us that it is our spiritual foundation. The fact that we are anonymous means that the work we do in NA really can be selfless service. We don’t want or need credit for helping others; it’s what we do to save our own lives. We don’t benefit from sympathy for our condition; the price for that is ultimately too high. In the rooms we are equals with one another, and out of the rooms we are equals with our peers.
We check our motives before we share with someone that we are addicts, and we learn that this is good policy any time we consider disclosing something significant about ourselves. Taking a moment to pray and consider our intentions frees us to use our experience as a tool rather than a weapon. We consider whether we are seeking attention, making ourselves look important, trying to justify our behavior, or whether we are able to offer help or guidance as a result of our experience. We may be letting someone get to know us better, creating a bridge for empathy. We also want to consider our own boundaries: Is this someone we feel safe to share with? Would someone else’s anonymity be compromised by our disclosure? Are we limiting or protecting the relationship by not sharing about ourselves? Is our action taking us outside the boundaries set for us by the Eleventh Tradition? We have something to share that has value in and out of the rooms. It is ours, and we have choices about it.
That said, there are times when it is appropriate to let go of our anonymity—and, of course, there are times when people find out through no action of our own. We have choices about how we want to respond. A member shared his experience: “I had been keeping my NA membership a secret, but someone I had seen in meetings was friends with a rival at work. She told the rival and he told everyone. I was terrified. But the result was—nothing. Now I’m free to be myself; I don’t have to hide anymore.” It can be uncomfortable or even frightening to feel that we carry our anonymity as a secret. Not hiding means that we can be ourselves, and also that we are free to carry the message when we see an opportunity.
When we run into people we know from work or other contexts in NA meetings, we want to consider each other’s anonymity. We might be comfortable sharing our membership with others, but that doesn’t mean the other person is. Allowing each of us to experience our membership in our own way is part of the freedom we give one another. Just as we don’t judge one another’s desire to stop using, we cannot judge commitment or quality of membership based on a person’s willingness to be known as a member.
Learning to choose wisely and appropriately is important. We may be the only example of recovery someone ever sees, and our behavior is a reflection of our message. We want to consider this when we wear or carry NA memorabilia or put an NA sticker on our car. We are letting people know something about ourselves, and we are telling them about the fellowship as well. Our message is carried not just by what we say, but also by what we do.
Likewise, each of us makes decisions for ourselves about what kind of environments we feel comfortable in. Some of us are never in the presence of drugs after we get clean; others of us find that our obligations to work or our families may expose us to people who are using. What one member sees as an unnecessary risk, another may find an essential part of integrating back into society. It is important to remember that we always have the option to leave if a situation has gotten uncomfortable.
When we share honestly about our lives, who we are and what we do become vital parts of our message of recovery. Our fellow members often take pride in our success, just as our family might. But we don’t want to lose the foundation of equality that keeps us all alive and free. Knowing that each of us is no better or worse than any other member makes it easier to live with our past, and to begin to hope for our future. It also means that we can see our success as part of our lives, but not as our whole identity: A change in our status for better or worse doesn’t have to destroy us. Our practice of anonymity means that we can continue to grow in good times and bad, and that we can continue to see the bene
fit of practicing a program of recovery even when our lives are extraordinary.
Honest self-assessment is essential to recovery, but it is only possible if we are vulnerable enough to let someone in. We choose those mirrors carefully, seeking those we can trust to be honest, helpful, and kind. This difficult process is made harder when we are admired for our accomplishments, profession, or social status; we may find that people are reluctant to tell us about our flaws. They may not even see them. When we treat a member as an icon rather than as another addict seeking recovery, we deprive them of the opportunity to experience the recovery they may desperately need. None of our members is more or less valuable than any other; when we forget this, we harm one another and the fellowship as a whole.
The Gift of Hope
We have so much to offer. We are good listeners, and we know how to find the strength and hope in our experience. We are on a path and are conscious of our journey. In our own way, we are each loving, caring, and generous. NA is boot camp for caring: We can learn more about empathy in our first year in NA than most people do in a lifetime. What we learn about living in NA is applicable outside as well, and we can be good friends to others whether they are in recovery or not. The tools and principles we learn here can serve others in and out of the fellowship. When we venture out, we get to discover how useful we can be.
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