Communication is always about more than the information being relayed. How we communicate cannot be separated from what we communicate. Taking a look at the difference between what we are saying, what is heard, and how people are responding to us can be the beginning of real change in all our relationships. In service and in our lives, we offer information to people in different ways. When we throw it at them, they always get upset. Too often, we offer information and expect people to know why they should be interested in it. There is life beyond the information; there’s a reason the information we’re presenting matters, and it’s up to us to bring that forward. When we offer information without inspiration, people stop listening. The result is that we cut each other out of a conversation that really needs all of us.
The Second Tradition teaches us that a loving God may be expressed through our group conscience. Each of us is responsible to ensure that all of us have the information we need and the ability to share freely, so that the genius that develops through us has a chance to be heard. When we regard one another with respect, we open the door to a different kind of communication. When we practice attraction in our service, we work to make sure that it is as open, inclusive, and welcoming as it can possibly be. When our common welfare comes first, it shows.
We may each have our own ideas about issues and how to manage them, but our principles remind us that our ideas are not the only ones that matter. Bringing alternatives to the table, even if we don’t agree with them, can help broaden a group’s options. Often the best possible solution emerges in the process of coming to consensus, so it’s up to us to give the group as much information as we can. Yielding to group conscience when we feel strongly provides an opportunity to experience trust. When we can believe that everyone in a disagreement is acting from a position of goodwill, we can be a little more willing to let go. When we can see past our own desires and accept where the group is, the quality of our relationship to our fellowship, group, or service committee is not conditional on getting our own way.
Finding a loving way to address differences of opinion or experience in NA gives us tools to reach out differently in the rest of our lives. We learn in the process that communication is at the heart of forgiveness. We can hang on for years to a resentment that could have been resolved with a simple conversation. Facing uncomfortable situations and taking loving action is a demonstration of maturity and grace. Emotional maturity is our reward for letting go of anger and resentment.
We don’t get to choose our next generation in Narcotics Anonymous. It can be surprising who stays clean and who doesn’t. We have had the experience of burying someone who looked like the “most likely to succeed,” and of celebrating the anniversary of the craziest long shot in the room. As we stay around NA, we have a tendency to think that the members who are newer than us don’t have the kind of foundation or experience we do. It’s our responsibility to share what we were given, and to ensure that NA continues to grow. An experienced member suggested, “They are going to bring their experience to this program that saves my life, so I better be sure they have what they need to save me.”
The fact that the fellowship is alive is evidence that this program works, and that it’s still working. Our task is to trust that evidence more than our fear or our rigid beliefs of how it should be done. If we are doing it right, we will grow beyond what we know now—individually and as a group. When we have faith that our services really are guided by a loving Higher Power, we can let go and allow the process to unfold. Success comes when we work together toward a solution. There are times when mistakes are simply going to be made: We speak our piece and get out of the way. We find ways to stay involved that allow us to be useful and appreciate service. It may be constructive for us sometimes to take a break from the kind of service that involves committees and decisions, and come back to the front lines and the phonelines. Reaching a hand to the addict in need is the most important thing we do. When we shift our focus to the front door, our squabbles and resentments fade away. When we carry the message, we get the message. The message is freedom, and the ties that bind are pure love.
Love
The spirit of love that we express in NA is the most powerful thing we have. The Basic Text describes it as “the flow of life energy from one person to another,” and we see this in action when we watch an addict come back to life in the rooms. The hugs we give are an instrumental part of our method and our experience. NA is all about love.
When we are practicing Step Twelve to the best of our ability, love becomes central to all that we do—there is no more powerful antidote to the despair and self-destruction of addiction. The compassion that we feel for the newcomer is something we learn to extend to our families, to those around us, and eventually, to ourselves. Some say that ultimately Step Twelve becomes about reaching out to anyone who is suffering. Certainly we cannot look away as we once did. Still, we can sometimes have an easier time offering compassion to newcomers than to oldtimers who are struggling.
Unity is a practice of love. We rise above our judgments and come together no matter what. In the process, we learn forgiveness and reconciliation. We don’t always forgive before we start to work together again, but we are obliged to make peace because we cannot easily avoid one another. Forgiveness is an action and a decision. We need a lot of forgiveness, and we also get to provide it. Forgiving is its own reward. We start to find peace within ourselves. When we are free of guilt, shame, and resentment, our minds can be still.
Some of us struggle to give ourselves permission to be happy. We may not think we deserve it, or we may fear that we will stop working on ourselves. Some of us have been unhappy for so long that it feels uncomfortable to let go of our bitterness. When we treat happiness as a spiritual principle, we can see its relationship to humility. Our ability to enjoy our lives is directly related to our willingness to let go of our self-obsession. If we think of happiness as a spiritual asset, we can see it as both a gift and a goal. We work toward it by letting go of those things that we can see standing in its way, and leave the rest to a power greater than ourselves. Humility and empathy are essential to a rewarding spiritual life. As we find the deep joy that comes to us through our practice of compassion, we find that happiness is much more available to us. “I had to make a decision to be happy,” said one member, “but making that decision in a way that could really work meant having a foundation on which that happiness could rest.”
Walking through our own challenges helps us to find compassion for ourselves and others. As we develop our ability to feel and express empathy, we come to realize that the same spirit dwells in all of us, and that none of us is more or less important than another. We are all sick and suffering sometimes, no matter how long we have been clean. We all bring hope and answers sometimes, even when we don’t feel it ourselves. One day clean is a miracle, whether or not it’s ever followed by another. When we see a member experience a real breakthrough with 20, or 30, or more years clean, we can see that, truly, recovery never stops.
Love is an action word. Loving action takes many forms. Sometimes it’s a warm hug; sometimes it’s telling someone the cold, hard truth. But when we act from love, with the intention of loving, it shows. It matters. We can feel it, and the people who surround us feel it. We can enjoy it—literally, it brings us into joy. When we finally trust that we can love and be loved without being hurt, we are able to tap into our connection to others and to the world around us.
Staying clean for a long time means not just that recovery happens, but that life happens. We grow up and grow old; we raise families, change jobs, and navigate the world just because we are alive and clean. We come to understand that happiness is an inside job, a spiritual experience that can get stronger with recovery. We find that no matter what happens on the outside, joy can still live within us. A member shared: “I embraced my feelings and found comfort in them because I knew they were part of my remaking. I was alive. As much as it felt like I might come undone,
I had faith that it wasn’t the end. I knew that absolutely nothing in the world mattered except love. I have wasted too much time not loving.”
Love is a form of intelligence. It’s the intuition that brings us to the right words when there are no words, that tells us when to step forward and when to back away. We feel love when we speak truth. When we are in our Higher Power’s will, we naturally carry a message, and the message we need finds us. When we clear away the defects that block the passage, we can be a clearer channel for the love that surrounds us. We tap into a love that is greater than ourselves, and find that we are able to do things we never thought possible. Brilliance comes through us.
There’s a saying in recovery that as we keep going, the road narrows. That’s partly true. Our willingness to make the same old mistakes diminishes, and we know better than to act on our impulses much of the time. But that’s not the end of the story. It’s as if we pass through a funnel: The way gets tighter and more uncomfortable as we begin to adapt to our new way of life—and then, without warning, it opens up and we are free. The road is no longer narrow; sometimes it seems like there’s no road at all. We move to our own rhythm, finding a pace and a direction that is right for us. The trip is inward and it never stops. We keep learning and growing, finding ways to live and to use our experience to help others. No matter how long we have been clean, there is still more for us to learn and more for us to share. Our First Step placed us on a path to awareness, connection, and serenity. We received much more than simple abstinence. We have been given an endless supply of principles to guide us as we travel through our lives.
In Step Three, we make a decision to turn our will over to a power greater than ourselves, and in Step Eleven it is returned to us, transformed. The desperation we once felt at our predicament was the opening to a passion for caring, sharing, giving, and growing. Where once we lacked the power even to keep ourselves alive, now we take action in our own lives and in service to others, and we are amazed at the results. We live with dignity, integrity, and grace—and we know we can always get better.
The more progress we recognize in ourselves and our fellows, the more we know is possible. What first appeared to us as a way out now offers us a way in—into a life we hadn’t imagined, into joy, into hope, into growth that never stops. We continue to get better. We continue to discover new ways to live, new freedom, and new paths to explore. We travel together as one in fellowship, and we pave the road as we walk it for all who may follow. No matter how far we have come, or how far we know we have to go, when we live clean, the journey continues.
Living Clean Page 23