by Elena Carter
“It is possible, but it’s not easy. There are no guarantees. And there will be no way back for you to your world. I really don’t think it’s the right thing to do.” Greg looked straight into her eyes.
“Look. I am a free soul,” he continued. “I died in our world. I don’t get to choose. I don’t belong anywhere, so I’m trying to make the best out of what I have with my ability to travel around worlds. I have a lot of freedom, that’s for sure…” He scoffed. “But I don’t get to live a whole earthly life I was supposed to live. I don’t get to have kids, grow old with the woman I love, or enjoy everyday things that most people take for granted.”
Tina could hear pain in his voice, and a lump formed in her throat again.
“But you, my darling, have that ahead of you. And I want you to use it. Every day of it, every minute of it. Every sunset, every cup of coffee, every rainy evening, every traffic jam, every walk in the park, every talk to Natalie on the phone, every story you are meant to write. All of it. It’s life, Tina. It’s big, complex, amazing, one-of-a-kind, and it’s all yours. Something I don’t get to have.”
Tina bit her lip, blinking away tears.
“You can still experience all that and even more. You can still love. You can have kids. You can teach them things you know and things you have yet to learn yourself. You can travel. You can work. You can be around your friends. You can help others. You can write your stories. You can change lives.”
He placed his hands on her shoulders and gazed into her eyes. “Don’t give it up, my love. Please, don’t give it up.”
For the next couple weeks, Tina functioned on autopilot.
Life went on as usual. Natalie and Tod got back together, and Mike was feeling much better, so he started moving around with a crutch and taking up the slack at work.
Tina worked, chatted with friends, and visited Emma, but through it all she felt like a part of her was missing.
She kept thinking about the talk she had with Greg. How she tried to convince him that she needed to find a way to move to a new world and be with him. How he insisted it was a bad idea.
He gave her different reasons, all of which sounded valid, but all she could feel was that he didn’t want her there.
He said it was risky, but she was ready to take the risk.
He said she had a life ahead of her, but she didn’t want a life without him.
She felt like she was losing him all over again. And it broke her heart, day by day.
Even the dreams stopped. Once, she ended up again in a corridor full of doors, but the rest of the nights she couldn’t remember anything. She’d wake up feeling like a shadow of herself—like something important and vital was missing in her life.
She tried to pretend everything was all right, but her friends saw the change in her and were doing their best to help.
Mike would drop by unexpectedly in the middle of the day with her favorite coffee, saying he was enjoying finally being out and about after the injury.
Natalie called from time to time to check on her and tell her the latest funny stories about the M&Ms or invite her to have dinner with them. Tina kept declining the invitations.
But Natalie wasn’t ready to give up. One morning, Tina received a text from her.
Natalie: 17:00 tonight, don’t be late, bring wine.
Tina smiled and shook her head.
She started typing a reply, but stopped to think of an excuse she could use this time. Her phone pinged with another message.
Natalie: T, I know you’re in the process of making up an excuse. Stop it, don’t waste your time. Not just any wine, btw—find the Shiraz we had last time. That’s a more productive way to spend your time.
Tina couldn’t help but laugh. She erased the message she was typing.
Tina: So what’s the cause?
Natalie: Glad you asked. Tod and I are celebrating. And you are the VIP guest.
Tina: Celebrating?
Tina tried to remember if there was an important date she’d missed.
Natalie: Yup. We were about to screw up our marriage. But we didn’t. We’re back together, stronger than ever, and very happy about it. And we want to celebrate with the people we love.
Tina smiled while typing her reply.
Tina: I love you too. I’ll be there and I’ll bring Shiraz. 2 bottles.
Natalie: Only two? JK. See you later, sis!
Natalie’s message ended with her typical set of emojis—three hearts followed by three kisses.
Tina looked at the time. She had enough time to do some work, get ready, and go to the wine shop.
I need to go this time. It’s important. It’s actually a genius idea to celebrate getting back together. People usually don’t. They prefer to pretend nothing happened. And it’s wrong, Tina thought. I think I should bring them a present, too. Something meaningful.
After a few hours, when she finished the most recent article Mike assigned to her, she got ready and left the house. She decided to go a little earlier because she wanted to pass by a flower shop too.
Visiting the flower shop reminded her of Alice. However, Tina noticed that since she saw Alice in her new world, the memories didn’t sting as much anymore.
Tina gazed around, not sure what to choose. Then she noticed a new handmade gifts and souvenirs section in the far corner of the shop and walked over.
Straight away, she knew what she was getting. The shelf in the middle hosted a line of feng shui gem trees made with different crystals. Each one included a little handwritten card, explaining the properties of the crystal used in the tree. Tina knew what she needed. A beautiful tree made of tiny rose quartz crystals beaded onto black wire. Rose quartz, the stone of love.
It will be a great symbol of their new life, Tina thought.
She left the shop with a nicely packed tree in a gift bag and a smile on her face.
Everybody was outside in the backyard. While Tod and Mike were busy with the barbecue, Natalie and Tina relaxed in the comfortable rattan chairs with a glass of wine each. Natalie’s mom was playing with the girls on the lawn. They’d set up a doll house on the large picnic blanket with what looked like a full room of toys.
“Where do you guys store all that?” Tina shook her head, pointing at the toys.
“Don’t ask,” Natalie moaned. “And guess what? It’s not enough.” She rolled her eyes.
“I’m sure it isn’t.” Tina grinned. “You know, I hate to say it, but in our time …”
They both burst out laughing.
“Yeah, I got the message, and I absolutely agree, but let’s not say things like that out loud until we’re at least seventy.” Natalie winked.
“You’re right.” Tina took a sip of wine and watched the happy girls playing with their granny. “She’s such a perfect grandma, isn’t she? I love watching her with the girls.”
“Me too. She had a tough time after we lost Dad, but the M&Ms helped her go through it. She’s crazy about them. And they love her so much. Everybody’s happy.”
“And you get some help once in a while.”
“Yup!” Natalie nodded. “To Mom.” She raised her glass.
“To your mom!” Tina raised hers.
“You ladies seem to be having a great time here.” Mike hobbled over to them with a bottle of beer in his hand. “The meat will be ready soon. Nat, Tod is asking for you. Could you go over there for a minute?”
“Sure.” Natalie got up, and Mike landed in her seat.
“Can I keep you company?” He smiled.
“No.” Tina shook her head. “You may not. Please leave. I prefer to be lonely and miserable.”
Mike rolled his eyes and then laughed. “Although, all jokes aside, I do get the feeling you don’t wanna see anyone lately. What’s up?”
“Nothing.” She shrugged. “Been feeling kinda down. It’ll pass.”
“Wanna talk about it? We haven’t talked much recently. Any new dreams? Have you found who you were looking for?”
/> Tina sighed. She knew she’d been pushing her friends away. She also knew they didn’t deserve it. She looked at Natalie and Tod. They kissed and Natalie went inside the house, probably to get the dishes. For a second, Tina felt a temptation to use it as an excuse and run away from the conversation, saying that Natalie needed her help. But instead, she sighed again, took a sip of wine, and started telling Mike all about her last dreams.
When she finished telling him about her conversation with Greg, she felt a lump in her throat. Mike looked upset and confused.
“So you want to leave …”
“Don’t know if I can. Don’t know if I’m even wanted anymore.” She shrugged. “Alice mentioned those chances don’t come too often. I don’t even know how to do it. I was just happy to know I could. You know?” She sipped her wine.
Mike stared into the distance.
“But it looks like nobody wants to help me,” Tina continued. “Alice is not telling me how to do it, and Greg …” The words stuck in her throat. “I don’t know if he loves me anymore.”
“He loves you more than you can see.” Mike exclaimed, a bit too emotionally.
Tina snapped her gaze to him, surprised.
He was still looking away and didn’t turn his head.
“What he’s doing, Tina, is letting you go. Because when you love someone, you do what’s best for them. Putting your own interests aside.” He took a big gulp of beer and cleared his throat. “He wants you to have a life. He wants you to let go. To be free of that pressure of pain and grief. He wants you to go on with your life and be happy. Because he loves you.”
“I can’t,” Tina whispered.
“Haven’t you suffered enough? Tina, you need to start coming back to life. You need to start seeing that there are people who care about you.” This time he turned around and looked at her, placing his hand over hers.
Tina met his gaze, and all of a sudden, she understood. Her eyes widened. She bolted upright.
“I’m sorry, T. I didn’t mean to.” Mike quickly retrieved his hand.
Tina turned and looked straight into his eyes. Before he looked away, she caught a glimpse of what she had seen in his eyes one other time. In the dream that took her to a parallel reality. Where they were married.
“Oh my God.” She put her hand on her chest.
“Tina …”
“I’m sorry, I have to go.” Tina jumped up.
“Tina, please.” Mike tried to get up clumsily in an attempt to follow her, but Tina was quicker. She grabbed her purse and was already heading toward the house. She decided to go around it instead of going through the house.
“Please say sorry to Nat and Tod for me,” she said to Mike without turning her head.
Tina sat in her kitchen. She had calmed down after crying, and now felt empty and tired. She poured herself another glass of wine.
One more, and I’ll sleep, she told herself. And maybe I’ll be lucky enough to wake up with memory loss. Or not wake up at all. I would want to wake up in another world next to Greg, but I’m not sure he wants the same thing.
She thought about writing a message to her friends in case she succeeded in disappearing from this world. She picked up her notebook, ripped out a page, and started writing.
Dear Natalie and Mike …
She paused, looked at the line she’d written and crossed it out. She ripped another blank page out.
Dear Natalie,
I hope you can understand why I did this. I am sorry if it hurts you, I truly am.
Tina stopped again, looking at the piece of paper, frowning.
“This looks like a suicide note.” She smacked herself on the forehead, crumpled the paper, and threw it on the table.
I suck at this. Maybe I shouldn’t even bother. Anyway, I don’t think it’s going to work. Any time soon, at least.
She finished her drink in one gulp, put the glass in the sink, and headed to the bedroom.
I’ll just sleep. And then, there will be tomorrow. And maybe—just maybe—I’ll feel better tomorrow, Tina thought as she was changing.
God, how much I wish I had some clarity. I need advice. I need answers. She lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
“I’m tired. I’m lost. I’m confused. I need guidance.” She addressed the amethyst she was rubbing between her fingers. She held it up against the light of the lamp, and the purple stone seemed to light up from inside.
Tina sighed and switched the light off, squeezing the crystal tightly in her fist.
When she opened her eyes, she found herself in the middle of a field, surrounded by a sea of grass, slightly dried by the sun. She looked around. The field seemed endless. There was nothing apart from grass, swaying in the warm wind. Except for one thing.
In the distance, Tina could see a lonely tree.
She gazed at the sky. Perfect blue, without a single cloud. The sun was high, and it was warm—almost hot.
At least the tree will provide some kind of shade, Tina thought as she started walking toward it. The grass was rather tall, reaching up to the middle of her calves. As it moved in the wind, it revealed a layer of emerald green under the sun-dried yellow. It moved in waves, and the change of colors was dizzying.
Tina decided to focus on the tree. It was hard to tell the distance, because there was nothing else in the endless field. She wiped beads of sweat from her forehead. Her throat and lips were dry.
She kept walking and lost track of time. Only her sore muscles suggested she must have been moving for a while without any breaks.
Finally, she made it to the gigantic oak tree. The grass underneath it was shorter. It was soft and bright green, as if the sun didn’t have any effect on it. Tina lowered herself to the ground. She was exhausted; she wanted to lie down and close her eyes for a few minutes.
A gust of warm wind enveloped her, and she heard a familiar voice in her head.
Ask.
Startled, she jumped up and looked around. It was empty and quiet, only leaves rustling in the tree. She gazed at the tree. For a moment, she thought she saw something on the back of the leaves—letters. They were too high up and were moving in the wind, so she couldn’t tell for sure.
“What is this?” she blurted, squinting.
The Tree of Answers, the silent answer followed immediately. Tina realized it was the wind whispering to her.
“Does it answer questions? Any questions?”
Yes. Almost.
“How does it give me the answer?”
It will answer yes or no. A leaf with the answer written on it will fall into your hands.
Tina looked at the tree again. “This is amazing. Can I ask as many questions as I want to?”
Five.
“Well, it’s fair enough. Okay …”
She sat up more comfortably, crossing her legs, and rubbed her forehead.
“All right. My first question is can I leave my world and move to another one?” She looked up. One of the leaves separated from the branch and flew down, spiraling. It landed in her hands. A large, twice-the-size-of-her-palm, thick and glossy green oak leaf. Tina turned it around. On the back of it, in what appeared to be black ink, was written YES.
Tina gasped.
“Thank you,” she said, still looking at the miracle in her hands.
No response followed, only slight rustling of the leaves.
“Is it safe? This move?” Tina asked her second question and held her hands out.
Another leaf flew down. On the back of it, Tina found the answer NO.
She gulped. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears.
“Should I do it or not?” she blurted.
The third leaf landed in her hands. Tina turned it around. Blank. Nothing except for the thin yellow veins across its surface.
“I don’t understand,” Tina murmured, turning the leaf in her hands.
Nobody will answer that for you. It’s a decision only you can make, the wind whispered what Tina knew deep inside.
“I guess I wasted a question then,” she muttered.
She took a deep breath and held her head up high.
“Here goes another one then. Is Greg happy?”
The fourth leaf that landed in her hands had YES written on its back.
Tina smiled.
“Can I be happy?” she asked.
The fifth leaf brought her the answer YES.
Tina brushed her hair out of her eyes and said, “Thank you.”
She bowed slightly, then got up and stretched her legs. Immediately, a dizzy spell brought her to her hands and knees. She dropped the leaves.
“Shit, that was unexpected!” Tina swore under her breath, collecting the leaves, and tried to get up. She couldn’t hold her balance, though.
Okay, maybe I need some rest. In the shade. Maybe it’s heatstroke, she thought, looking at the wide trunk of the tree and trying to figure out if she could make it there.
She crawled on all fours, and when she got there, she leaned back against the trunk, closing her eyes and clenching the leaves tightly in her hand.
Her heart rate steadied, her breathing slowed, and she drifted off.
She was standing in a wide, long corridor with pristine white walls. She knew she’d been there before, but this time there were no doors on the sides of the dazzling white walls. She couldn’t see what was ahead because fog filled the air.
Tina made a hesitant step. A bright spot appeared in the fog. When it dove out into the light, Tina recognized her little feathered friend and smiled. The hummingbird had come to guide her.
“I’m glad to see you. I’m ready. Shall we?” Tina straightened and took a deep breath as the bird hovered in front of her face, wings flapping at fifty beats per second.
The hummingbird turned and flew along the corridor, back into the fog. Tina followed.
After a few minutes of wandering in the milky mist along the winding corridor, where the only bright spot Tina could see was the tiny bird leading the way, they ended up in a dead end.