Posture
Good posture is important in social situations. Standing up straight with your shoulders back creates an air of confidence, which helps you create a positive impression on others. Plus, some research indicates that when your body language is confident, you start to feel more confident, too.
But if you’re like most gamers, your posture is not the best. So how do you fix your posture?
Well, there’s no easy fix for permanently fixing your posture. If you want good posture for the long term, you had better talk to a physical therapist and embark on an exercise regimen to strengthen your back.
However, there is a pretty easy way to temporarily give yourself good posture—it only lasts a few minutes, but that’s enough to make a positive impression.
In order to instantly improve your posture, imagine there is a cup of freezing cold water on your head and it’s about to spill. If you’re like most people, this imagination will automatically cause you to stand up straight, pull your head back and straighten your shoulders so that you walk straight. You’ll maintain this posture as long as you keep imagining the cup of water on your head.
You can test this if you like—just walk up to a mirror the way you normally do, then walk up to a mirror while imagining the cup of water. You should notice a difference in how you look and move. If not, feel free to imagine something else that changes your posture. For instance, you might imagine that you are wearing an antigravity helmet that pulls your head up, or you might imagine you are wearing a suit of armor that prevents you from hunching over.
Again, this only lasts as long as you remember to actively imagine the cup of water. But if you imagine the cup of water right before you walk into a social setting, you can give yourself a posture and confidence boost that should give you big benefits.
Motivating Yourself To Be Social
There’s a simple trick from psychology for motivating yourself to be more social.
It’s usually used in the world of sales. Instead of asking “Do you want to buy a car?” a salesmen will ask “Would you rather buy the red car or the blue car?” No matter which you choose, you still end up buying a car.
It’s also used by parents, who ask their kids “Do you want carrots or broccoli with dinner?” instead of “Do you want to eat vegetables with dinner?” Rather than giving their kids the chance to say no, they only give their kids options that lead to healthy veggies.
You can use this trick with yourself, too. If you have a choice to be social or non-social, instead make it a choice between two social options. In other words, instead of asking “Should I go to that party on Friday night?”, find another social opportunity for Friday night, and choose between those two.
For instance, you might think “Oh, there’s a new cool movie out—I could ask a friend to see that on Friday.” So now your choice is between watching the movie and going to the party, which are both good social options, instead of the party or doing nothing social.
This also works when you are already at a social setting. For instance, let’s say you’re at a party but you aren’t talking to anyone. Instead of thinking “Should I start a conversation or not?”, try asking yourself “Should I start a conversation with this person or with that person?” or “Should I join that group by the snack bar, or that group that’s playing Guitar Hero?” No matter what you choose, you’ll move towards more social opportunities.
There are two important caveats for this trick, though.
First, it is okay to be non-social sometimes. If you’ve had a rough week and you really need to give yourself some quality alone time, don’t force yourself to be social. Or if you are at a party but you’re feeling exhausted, it’s fine to take some time to just people watch and recharge. But if you do want to motivate yourself to be more social, this is a helpful trick.
Second, avoid using this trick on other people. While you can occasionally nudge people’s behavior by asking them to choose between two options instead of choosing yes or no, you can also come across as rude and pushy.
For instance, if you ask a stranger “Will you go on a date with me?” you’re likely to get rejected (since they don’t know you.) If you ask a stranger “Would you like to go on a date with me to a restaurant, or on a date with me to a movie?” you’re still likely to get rejected, and you’re likely to offend the stranger (because you were obviously trying to manipulate them into doing something they wouldn’t normally do.)
Third, this only works if the options you give yourself are reasonable. If you think, “Should I talk to 100 strangers at a bar, or call up every single one of my friends?” you will still end up saying “No!” to both options. So choose options that, while potentially challenging, are still doable.
To sum up: Use this trick only when you are ready to be social (not when you truly need alone time), only on yourself (not others where it can be manipulative), and only with reasonable options.
Memorizing Names
Your social success will increase quite a bit once you master the art of memorizing names. If you know someone’s name, it’s easier to get their attention and start a conversation with them. It’s also super awkward when the other person realizes you’ve forgotten their name, especially if you’ve known them for weeks.
Fortunately, you don’t need a fantastic memory to be great at memorizing names. All you need to do is follow three steps.
First, repeat their name as soon as you get it. So if they say, “Hey, my name is Felicia” you should immediately say, “Nice to meet you, Felicia.”
You should also be deliberate to use their name a few times in the following conversation. The easiest way is to include it in a question “Anyway, Felicia, what do you do?” If you use it a few times, you’re likely to remember it.
Second, make their name memorable. The easiest way to do this is by creating a nickname for them. To do this, combine their name with a word that starts with the same letter and that evokes a strong visual image. For instance, if you meet a Dave, immediately think “Dapper Dave.” If you meet a Susan, immediately think “Sunny Susan.”
These words don’t really need to have anything to do with the person themselves, and they don’t have to make much sense. It’s perfectly fine to think “George the Giraffe” or “Crunchy Carl.” The important thing is to come up with the nickname quickly, so use whatever first comes to mind.
The reason this works is because the pairing words are naturally memorable, since they create a strong image. So if you look at George, you’ll naturally remember “Giraffe”, and then you’ll remember, “Ok, his name starts with a G….” and it will be much easier to remember “George.” (Just make sure you don’t call him George the Giraffe out loud.)
Third, If you forget their name, ask for it as soon as reasonably possible. Everyone forgets names sometimes, and there’s no great shame in it. However, the longer you wait to ask for a reminder, the more awkward it becomes (have you ever gone weeks not knowing someone’s name because you were afraid to ask for it again?) So if you realize you’ve forgotten someone’s name, look for a graceful opportunity to ask for it again. They might need a reminder of your name, too!
So to sum up: Say their name out loud as soon as you hear it. Combine their name with a memorable word to create a nickname, and use the nickname to help you remember. And if you forget their name, ask them again as soon as you can (and do your best to remember this time!)
Stop Saying Words Like “Um” and “Like”
Um, sometimes when you’re, like, talking, you can find yourself, ah, adding lots of extra, um, words that don’t, like, mean anything.
These words are called filler words, and they’re a bad habit. Generally, we use filler words when we need to pause for a moment to think of what to say next. It feels strange to just stop talking while you think of what to say, so you use a filler word to fill the silence. For example, you don’t say “We need more [pause] potatoes”, you say “We need more, um, potatoes.”
The problem is that filler words are distracting and they make you appear less confident. Worse, you don’t need them to fill the silence. It’s totally fine to just pause for a moment to collect your thoughts. Search Youtube for “famous speeches” and listen to a few. You’ll notice that the speakers pause frequently—instead of using filler words, they just stop talking for a moment when necessary.
So how do you get rid of filler words? Well, there’s a technique I learned at a club called Toastmasters. Toastmasters is an organization that has groups all around the world that meet up to practice public speaking together. Because good public speakers don’t use filler words, Toastmasters has developed a technique to train their members to avoid filler words. They call it the “Ah bell.”
Essentially, when you are giving a speech and you use a filler word (like “ah”), someone in the audience will ring a loud, annoying bell. The bell noise is startling and annoying, and you quickly learn to avoid using filler words to protect yourself from the bell.
You can apply the same technique on your own. Just find a friend and give the friend an annoying bell (or squirt bottle that sprays cold water on you, or something else equally unpleasant.) Then hang out and talk as normal. Anytime you use a filler word, your friend can ring the bell or spray you with cold water. A few sessions of this and you will learn how to monitor your speech for filler words. (You can also just join Toastmasters!)
If you don’t have any friends who are interested in doing this with you, you can do it by yourself. Find a list of questions online—for instance, search for “first date questions.” Then answer each question out loud, just talking to your computer screen (make sure nobody else is around.) Each time you use a filler word, spray yourself with cold water, or snap a rubber band on your wrist, or something else shocking and unpleasant (but not harmful.) Of course, this is not as good as having a friend help you, since you might not catch every time you use a filler word. But if you practice this a few times, you should still see results. You can even record your answers on video and review the videos to track your progress.
And remember, you don’t need to completely eliminate filler words from your speech. If you say “um” occasionally, it’s not a big deal. But the goal is to use them very rarely. If your speech is mostly free of filler words, you’ll appear much more confident and charismatic. Good luck!
Appendix 2: Achievements
As if writing a book on gaming wasn’t nerdy enough, I’ve added achievements. If you’re able to complete these—congrats!
Exclamation Point
Complete your first quest
Oh Baby A Triple!
Complete all three sidequests for a level.
A Winner Is You
Finish reading the whole book
Max Level
Complete all quests in the book
God Mode
Complete all quests and side quests
Warp Whistle
Read the book out of order.
Spectator Mode
Read the entire book without doing any quests. Note: This is a bad achievement to have :) Go and do the quests!
Respawn
Experience a social failure or setback. Keep going anyway.
Noclip Mode
Read this book on an airplane
Cross-Platform Gameplay
Buy at least two of the three formats of the guide (Ebook, printed book, and audiobook.)
Researcher
Play every game mentioned in this book.
Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A
Use a technique from the cheat code appendix
Ready Player Two
Share this book with a friend
Speedrunner
Finish the entire book in one day.
Let’s Play
Write a review of this book on Amazon
New Game +
Start the book again after you’ve read it once.
Retro Gamer
Read my first book, Improve Your Social Skills
Appendix 3: Where To Play Every Game Mentioned In This Book
Stage One
Level 1.4: Go Into The Tall Grass
Pokémon games: Buy them basically anywhere.
Level 1.5: Infinite lives
Don’t Starve: Buy it on Steam or Gog.com
Level 1.6: Hardware
StarCraft and StarCraft 2: Buy them basically anywhere
Zombies Run: Zombiesrungame.com or search for it in the app store.
Hearthstone: Play it free at Battle.net
Level 1.7: It’s Dangerous To Go Alone
Gordon Freeman is from the Half Life series, Link is from the Legend of Zelda series, and Mario is well, Mario. All of them are available basically everywhere.
Stage Two
Level 2.1: Pong
Pong: Play it at http://www.ponggame.org/
Level 2.2: Minecraft
Minecraft: Buy it basically everywhere.
Terraria: Buy it on Steam
Level 2.3: Parsers
Play the original King’s Quest games for free at Sarien.net or buy them on Steam or Gog.com. Play the fan-made remakes for free at AGDInteractive.com, or buy the professional remakes on Steam. Lots of options!
Level 2.4: The Whelk
Final Fantasy Six: If you own a SNES or a Playstation 1, you can get the original version. Otherwise, you can buy a remake with some updated visuals on the iPhone or Android store, or on Steam.
Level 2.5: Noor The Pacifist
World of Warcraft: Battle.net or Amazon
Level 2.6 Turtling
StarCraft/StarCraft 2: Battle.net or Amazon.
Level 2.7 Sandbox
Skyrim, Minecraft and Grand Theft Auto: Buy them literally anywhere.
Stage Three
Level 3.1 ET: The Extra Terrestrial
It’s not available for sale anywhere, but you can find it online by searching for “Play ET Game.” Some of the sites offering it are a bit sketchy, so play at your own risk.
Level 3.2 Consistency Makes The Clan
Tribes 2 is available at TribesNext.com. You can also play the modern version of Tribes—Tribes Ascend—for free on Steam.
Level 3.4 Speedrunning Gone Home
Gone Home is available on Gog.com or Steam
Level 3.5 Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2 are are available on Steam or Amazon.
Level 3.6 The Sims
You can buy the Sims pretty much anywhere, although the Sims 4 is not available on Steam (only Origin or at game retailers.)
Level 3.7 Modding
The original StarCraft can be purchased on Amazon or at Battle.net. If you’d like to play my Rock Paper Scissors map, you can download it at ImproveYourSocialSkills.com/StarCraft-Rock-Paper-Scissors
About the Author
Playing King's Quest as a kid
Me today
I’m Dan, and I like people.
A few things about me:
I live in Portland, Oregon and am currently pursuing a doctorate in clinical psychology.
I spoke at TEDx about “My Life With Asperger’s.” You can watch my talk at http://bit.ly/tedxdan.
I’m the author of ImproveYourSocialSkills.com, and I offer social skills coaching to clients all around the world.
Thanks again for reading the book! The support from my readers has been nothing short of amazing, and I am deeply grateful for everyone who has journeyed with me to improve their social skills.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to get in touch. Following the example of Mr. Rogers, I respond to everyone who contacts me, so don’t hesitate to reach out. You can email me at [email protected] or at DanielWendler.com.
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