by Tiana Laveen
“He picked up the remote control and turned the volume up, then set it back down on the table. He had his eyes on me and I swear to you, Kane, he looked like the Devil himself. He motioned to me and said, ‘Get up and come with me.’ I shook my head. He yelled for me to do it. I got up and he took me into my bedroom…”
Kane’s face was tense. His eyes narrowed, the vein in the middle of his head protruded, and his jaw was tight. She smiled sadly at him and squeezed his hand. A tear rolled down his face and he closed his eyes. “When he was done with me, he made me clean up. I remember… the emotional and physical pain… the confusion… the shame.
“He told me several times to not say nothing to Mama, that she’d be jealous and not understand that it was me that he wanted, not her… that I was special. I learned early on about men who hunt single women with children, just to get to the babies. That’s why he bypassed some of the other ladies in town. They didn’t have his preferred supply, but Mama did. He met her and saw me, a vulnerable girl who’d lost her daddy. A girl who smiled and laughed, happy, but wasn’t sure where she fit into the world. He raped me for several years…
“Sometimes, it would happen every day for weeks at a time, then it would just stop. But it always started up again. It’s like sometimes, he was tryna stop, but he couldn’t. Then, one day, he came after me, and I don’t know what happened… but I snapped, Kane. I started beatin’ him with Corey’s baseball bat. All the fear in me was gone and I was so full of rage that I exploded. I hit him! And hit him! And hit him!” Her voice trembled. “I stood there beatin’ him and he tried to get that bat from me, but I must’ve had the strength of ten thousand men, Kane, because I kept on until he could barely move. Then I put my pants back on after he’d tried to get them down my legs, grabbed my little backpack and left. I ran away from home… was gone for three days.”
“Where’d you stay?”
“Over Melissa’s house, one night. The other two days I just loitered about. I lied and told her I had gotten a bad report card so I was just tryna wait until my parents calmed down. Her mother realized I was there the following morning and told me to go home, that everything would be all right. She called my mama, but I pretended I was going home. I didn’t. I just wandered about, skipped school, and slept in a stall of a public restroom in a twenty-four-hour store.
“Eventually, the police got a hold of me. My mama was crying and worried sick. She got me back to the house and I saw him sitting there, looking like a wolf. He was all bruised up, but apparently, he’d told my mama he’d fallen off a ladder at the restaurant. Before that, he’d never struck me other than to get me to stop fighting him during the rapes early on. He’d give me money and gifts always afterward, try to buy my silence. After that incident though, after I beat his ass, that all changed. He told my mama I wasn’t any good, that I was fast, disobedient, and he started smackin’ me when she wasn’t around.
“He and Mama would argue about me, but she never really raised her voice to him. She’d just say I was a good girl, that I was going through a hard time right then. She had no idea my attitude had shifted because of him. Despite everything, after I’d had at him with the baseball bat, he didn’t see me the same way. The rapes stopped. As I got older, I became… detached, I guess you could say. My mother noticed I didn’t laugh as much, things like that. I couldn’t tell her why. She was happy with him. I didn’t want to ruin it all for her. Years passed, and he and I hated each other. I found out a year after he died that a rumor was going around he’d gotten some fifteen-year-old girl pregnant right before he’d kicked the bucket. Nobody believed it though, ’cept me, because the girl was troubled. Funny, she looked a lot like me…
“Then one day I came home from high school and Mama was sittin’ on the couch crying her eyes out. Corey was sitting by her looking all sad. She come and tell me, ‘Germaine died, Jess.’ They said he had a heart attack. I didn’t say not one word. I went into my room, closed the door, sat down and did my homework. And then I went to sleep… I slept like a baby. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in years. No more nightmares of him tryna climb on top of me! No more of him slithering around to push me or hit me out of malice. No more of him talking bad about me to my mama and Mama having to defend me.
“When it was time for the funeral, I stood there and laughed, Kane! I cried and laughed at the same damn time. I was havin’ a nervous breakdown! Wearing a white lace dress and white stockings, I stood there losing my natural mind. People looked at me like I was crazy. Some folks figured I was grieving. Mama did, and she comforted me, not realizing I was happy, overjoyed, then felt guilty for being happy that the motherfucker was dead.”
He turned her face towards him and gave her a needy, loving kiss. When he reached up and wiped her face, it was then that she realized she’d been crying…
She glanced over at the masks then back at him.
“How are you now about all of this, Jessica? Do you think you’ve healed?”
“Well, I honestly believe so. See, when I was about twenty-five, I decided to see a therapist about it. It took a long time for me to realize how badly it had affected me. I had blocked a lot of it out but then I was reading one day and came across this article about a girl who’s now grown and who’d gone through the same things I did. It described how she struggled with trusting people, had become emotionally detached, things I could relate to. She said she went and saw a therapist so she could be a survivor and not a victim. That resonated with me. So, I thought it over and did the same.”
“Did it help?”
“Yeah, but I know therapy sometimes is what you make of it.” He nodded. “By the way, I’ve never told anyone. Not Mama, not Melissa, not Alicia, none of my friends… I think Corey started to suspect something based on somethin’ I let slip one night many years ago, but as far as me just saying it flat out to someone besides the counselor? This is the first time. I feel safe telling you because I know it will stay right here, between us.”
“I want to thank you for this… For opening up to me and telling me. All it does is make me love you even more.” He kissed her again, then gently stood and let her take her seat back. He returned to his chair and they finished their dinner, engaged in conversation, even toyed with the idea of playing a game of Chess before she headed home.
She enjoyed his company but hated the way those old feelings had been unearthed within her, the pain made fresh again. She knew how to handle these emotions now, to process them and move on, but now, the love of her life knew about her past, too. Those old tapes in her mind began to play, ‘I’m damaged goods’, ‘a monster stole my virginity,’ ‘I’m a fraud.’
Kane sliced into his steak and smiled at her. “His control over you is over,” he said, as if reading her mind. “Look at you now… Your friends and family love you, you’re great at your job, you’re smart, you’ve got your own house and now two cars. And you possess a beautiful heart. You’ve got a man who would kiss the ground you walk on.”
His words made her tingle all over.
“That asshole can’t hold a candle to you. He never could. He knew you were special, Jessica. Everyone who spends five minutes with you can see how special and rare you are. He knew you were enchantment in the flesh, and he wanted to destroy that black magic, but he couldn’t. He tried to make you believe you were nobody, but he could never fully annihilate you. You lived on, you survived, you fought back. He was weak and sick… You didn’t wear that mask.” He pointed across the room. “He was the one that did…”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The Fear of God
Kane swiveled back and forth in his white leather office chair, discussing business with the owner of a large and prosperous car lot in the area. Jay-Z’s, ‘Brooklyn’s Finest’ played on low volume. He’d set up two computers in front of him, and another three behind them.
“But that’ll put us at a disadvantage and that’s why we’d like to discuss it with you. You came highly recommended.”
“Yeah, and see, that’s just it. If you’re doin’ the bare minimum in the used car repairs, Sam, then when the buyer comes in there all upset and disgruntled saying, ‘This isn’t working right,’ and all of that, you gotta then try to close the door after the horse has already escaped the barn. I know you have to keep costs down, I get that. I told you the car industry is in my blood and I get the ins and outs of this but what you want are repeat customers – because they tell their friends and family, too. You’ll lose that, thousands upon thousands of dollars in sales if you try to do that bare minimum shit.”
“Trust me, Kane, we take care of all legit repairs.”
“I looked at your reviews. The main complaints are comin’ from people that say they brought something to your company’s attention and it wasn’t resolved to their liking. Don’t be like Walmart. Be like a high-end boutique. Be different from everyone else, Sam. You are already lacking trust. Used car salesmen fall right in line with lawyers and dentists in that regard. Nobody likes people in your line of work because they associate you with pain and worse.” The man chuckled at that. “Nothin’ wrong with Walmart as a store; their business model works for customers and upper management, but it doesn’t work at the grassroots level.”
“What do you mean?”
“Their employees are disgruntled and it shows in their attitudes and work ethic. You’ve heard the jokes about Walmart customer service and the employees never being available to check people out at the registers. There’s a reason for that. Unhappy people show their feelings through their work, or lack thereof. That’s just human nature. Treat your customers right, make them happy, and your business will be even better. Do the right thing the first time, and you don’t have to worry about all of that. I’m not preachin’ to you, just sharing what I know, okay? I’m not a new jack at this – been raised around it and dealt with sales teams in one capacity or another since I started Kane Kars, Inc. My reputation speaks for itself. I know this industry. I understand the process from the start to finish of car design. I understand recalls, repairs, and how to handle those situations.”
“I know you do. Trust me, we’ve done our research on you.”
“Look, man, just fix it right the first time because the competition is fierce now. People have access to new information on YouTube, recall lists, and all of that at the touch of a button. The days of gettin’ over are done and over with and now with Yelp and all these other sites, regardless if the review is one-sided, unfair, or an outright lie, the negative feedback could really hurt you so make sure you don’t add to that pile and give them a real grievance to write about. They’re paying too much money, hard-earned cash, to take a risk like that. These guys are researching cars to death now and these women, even if they know nothing about cars, are looking up fixes on Google. They’re not messin’ around. They’re the true meaning of a Pitbull in a skirt.”
Sam burst out laughing. “That’s damn true. This last problem wasn’t our fault.”
“Doesn’t matter whose fault it was. The consumer is going to blame YOU because you sold ’em the car. Now, you mentioned Chrysler earlier, and they had a pretty good year, but in 2018, the cruise control problem still haunts the brand. I’m no marketing guru, that’s not my expertise, but if you’re going to advertise advancements in the cruise control technology, then don’t put their name on it just yet. Talk about a different vehicle if that’s something you want to promote. You can still discuss Chrysler, Sam, but focus on their strong suits, such as the cash bonus incentive they’re currently offering because sometimes, if you just talk to them, they can help you with similar programs for resales, too.”
“Okay, yeah, I’ll pass that along to the sales team. Maybe I should call Chrysler, too.”
“Let me worry about contacting Chrysler, and you just focus on your part of the deal. I’ve worked with them before regarding their old Dodge Dakota pickup issues, so they already know who I am.”
“Okay. So, are we scheduled for next Tuesday at one?”
“Yes, that works for me. I’ve got you penciled in for lunch.”
“Thank you, Kane. Talk to you later.”
“You bet.” Kane ended the call and was gearing up to respond to an email from a car show coming into town when his phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number, but that wasn’t uncommon, especially since he’d relaunched his business.
“Hello, this is Kane Westbrook.”
“Kane…”
His jaw tightened. Leaning back in his chair, he brushed his hair out of his face and closed his eyes for a moment.
“Yes, Mom…”
“I’m calling from my friend’s phone since you’ve alienated us. We really miss you, son.” He sighed. “We’d like to talk to you. Please, I am begging you. Don’t push us away again. Please allow us to see you. I promise there won’t be any uproars or arguments. It was hell not being with you for the holidays… so depressing.” The woman was obviously crying. He hated that it broke his heart to hear her fall apart this way. After a long silence, he leaned forward. He’d sent them a Christmas card and mailed them gifts, but he wasn’t in the mood to deal with their drama, the stuff that had helped push him into the arms of an illness that attacked his mind and soul.
“Mom, you know that I love you and Dad.”
“Do you, Kane? We just… don’t know anymore. But what I do know is that I love you so very much. Your father loves you. Everyone does!”
“Love means different things to different people, Mom. Some think love is what people give when the person they’re lovin’ on does what they say, follows their orders and wishes to the letter. See, this is my life. You and Dad feel like your children’s lives are an extension of your own. I’m not an appendage of you. This has been an ongoing problem and as soon as I stopped caring about your opinions and living my own life, making my own choices, going my own way, you accused me of not following God’s word. Whenever something bad happened, it was because I was out late partying, spinnin’ records, dancing, enjoying my friends. You couldn’t fathom why I’d want to do anything but go to church several times a week, play football, and eventually run Dad’s company with him. I wanted my own thing, and nothing has changed.”
“You sound so, so angry!”
“Mom, I’m not angry. At least not anymore. I gave up the anger a while ago, it was useless to me.” He reached for his glass of cola, took a sip, and set it down on the coaster. “Anger controls you if you let it. I had to let that go. Hell, I’m not even disappointed anymore. I’ve made peace with this. I accept you and Dad for who you are. I love you but I keep my distance because I’m not respected by you.”
“Kane, that’s not true!”
“It is. I’m not here to argue with you. I don’t intend to go back and forth, so just listen. What I like, the people I enjoy, the music I love, my likes and interests period, you don’t approve of, you don’t respect any of it and that’s fine. But every time something happens that’s negative, it doesn’t mean it’s a punishment from God! It means sometimes that you just got to get up and try again because you’re doing it all wrong. What if every time one of these famous people, a celebrity, gave up right before they made it to stardom? According to you and Dad’s theory, their failure meant they weren’t following the will of God. Failure doesn’t equate to a divine punishment, Mom. Failure equates to a learning experience. Period.”
The woman was quiet for a long while, but he knew her mind was churning, mulling over what he’d said.
“If you’ve made peace with it, Kane, then why won’t you speak to us?”
“Actually, I was speaking to my girlfriend about contacting you the other day and she and I had a good discussion.”
“Oh, you’re in a relationship? But I thought you were afraid to leave the house? How in the world did you even meet anyone?”
“Let’s just say, she kinda landed on my doorstep. Anyway, a lot has changed since the last time we laid eyes on one another, Mom. Nevertheless, I had
already made up my mind to invite you all down so we could talk, but there would be some rules first, some things you need to understand.”
“Like what?”
“I’m not going to get into any deep religious discussions with either one of you. I won’t be explaining myself and my past choices, either. I’m movin’ ahead, into the future. I would love for you and Dad to be a part of that, but ultimately, the choice is up to you.” He was met with a wall of silence.
“We’ll do our best. When can we come down?” Kane knew his mother wanted to say more to defend herself, but she was trying to keep cool and play it smart. He was prepared for whatever happened. After all, he was hip to the game. He pulled up his schedule and made some suggestions.
“So, either one of those weekends is fine with me. It can’t be this month, I’ve got too much going on, but next month is a possibility.”
“Okay, I’ll let your father know.”
“All right.”
“Kane?”
“Yes?”
“I love you. I’m serious. You may not believe it, but I do. I can’t tell you that enough. One day, when you’re in your father’s and my shoes, you may understand us better.”
“I understand you now. I also know that you love me. I just don’t like sometimes how that love is expressed… because it doesn’t feel like love. Love doesn’t hurt. I’ll talk to you later.”