by Tiana Laveen
“No, Kane and I are fine. He doesn’t talk to her but he speaks to his father and the rest of his family. He doesn’t seem terribly concerned about that mess.”
“Good… good.” Mama took a sip of her cola. “It’s a shame that she still is actin’ like that, but I’m glad he isn’t letting it get him down.”
“He’s not. He’s carrying on. Mama. Remember the other day when you called me and I came over and got that notebook of poetry and a few other things Corey found?”
“Mmm hmm. You forgot those socks though. I’ll make sure you get them before you leave today.” They both chuckled. Jessica squeezed the water bottle and drew serious.
“Mama, I stopped writing poetry because of something that happened.”
“What happened?”
“There was an awkward time in my childhood. You’d called me ornery.” Jessica smiled sadly. “But I was unhappy.” Mama cocked her head to the side, looking concerned now. “You used to always ask me what was wrong. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you. It lasted a few years, on and off.”
“I remember those days.” Mama sat a bit straighter. “I ’spose all kids have that kind of trouble, some more than others. It was soon after your father died so it made sense to me. You took it especially hard, even more than Corey. It seemed once you got into your teen years though, things improved.”
“Well, yeah, they improved, Mama… but they improved for a really grim reason.”
“I don’t understand what you’re talking about, baby.”
She took a deep breath. “Mama… one man died, the most important man in my life, my daddy, and I cried and fell apart. But, I still had you and Corey, so that made it bearable. Then, another man died, and I was born again.”
“Huh? Jessica, you speakin’ in riddles! What are you talkin’ about, girl?”
“Germaine raped me, Mama.”
The two women stared at one another. Mama blinked several times, her eyes glossing over. She leaned in close, then reared back, and did this a few times as if she didn’t quite understand what she was hearing.
“You say… you say… what now?” The older woman’s voice trembled.
“Mama, Germaine raped me from age nine to twelve. He’d get in my bed with me when you weren’t around, and touch me… and make me touch him, too. It went further than that.” Jessica fought the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. As she looked at her mother, she couldn’t figure out what was happening to the woman. Her face distorted; the air looked as if it had been knocked out of her. “He’d send you on wild goose chases for stuff he needed for the restaurant and that’s why he wanted you to start workin’ there too, not because he wanted to be closer to you like he said, so then you’d finally be out of the way.”
Mama was shaking like a leaf now.
The older woman gripped the table as if she were afraid she’d fall and pass out right then and there.
“Mama, he… he kept doing it, no matter how much I begged him to stop. I was a virgin. I’d never been with no boys! When he did that to me, I was so ashamed. I hated myself! He threatened me, told me if I told you I’d ruin the whole family, that we’d all be poor and out on the street. He made me do things… Things I still can’t fix my mouth to say. Mama, I had to get therapy in my twenties. I was so angry… about sooo many things.
“It wasn’t an awkward, grief-stricken stage, Mama… I was being raped by that man, night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year, until it broke my spirit. I had to leave my body, float away, so I could survive it. I detached myself from my limbs, my bones, my heart. I had trained myself to shut him out, used my mind to travel to places in my imagination – anywhere but in that rockin’ bed as he sweated all over me!” Her resolve slipped away. “I missed myself though… the best parts of me, the parts that wrote poetry, laughed with Corey when we was doing something we had no business doing… enjoying church outings and the kids’ choir practice… He stole that from me. All the joy. He didn’t just steal my innocence, Mama. Germaine stole my happiness.
“With you and Daddy, I had never truly known what being miserable was. We didn’t have much, but there was a lot of fun and love in our house. But when you married Germaine, a monster entered our home. That’s why I laughed at his funeral, Mama. The Devil was finally dead, and so I could laugh in his cold, ugly, lifeless face!”
Mama jumped up, toppling over her pop. The purple fizzy drink went every which way as the older woman screamed and beat her fists in the air. She screamed so loud, Jessica’s ears buzzed. It was a bloodcurdling scream, one born of pain and torment. Jessica walked over to her mother who was breaking down, falling to tiny pieces…
“LAAAAAWD! OH GOD! JESUS! BABY, I DIDN’T KNOW! JESSIE! JESSICA!” Mama dropped to the floor, sobbing and shaking, her eyes wild.
“Mama… come on now.” She tried to help the woman off the floor but she kept slipping away, cradling herself, losing her mind.
“Jess! Jessica! Jessie, baby! Mama didn’t know! MAMA DIDN’T KNOW! I swear on my mama’s grave I ain’t know, baby!” She sobbed. “I woulda shot him dead, Jessie! I woulda believed you if you’d just told me and shot him dead!”
“I know, Mama. I know you had no idea and I know you would’ve been so hurt.”
Jessica finally gathered her mother in her arms and hugged her, rocked her, squeezed her tight. Her shirt was soon wet with the older woman’s tears. Her mother’s body jerked about, the crying didn’t let up… or the moans of pain. They stayed in that kitchen while Aretha Franklin sang, ‘I say a little prayer.’ Jessica smiled, with tears racing down her face. She no longer cried for herself; she cried for Mama.
“Mama, you don’t have to cry. I love you so much… It’s not your fault. The one to blame is dead in the ground. I decided to tell you because in a few months, I’m about to be a King’s wife… and we’re going to adopt a beautiful little Black girl… a princess of our own. I have to be a good example ’cause I’m a Queen. You always taught me how special I was, Mama, and now, I finally believe you. Thing is, I have to walk the walk, talk the talk, be a good example of how a woman moves across the Chessboard of life. We can’t wallow in the pain, wrap it around us like a shawl. We’ll suffocate in it if we do that. I want to breathe. Live. THRIVE. That’s the best revenge. We gotta tell the truth and let that shit go. So, Mama, I’ve told my truth. In it, we can both finally be free. Real Queens are raised by Mamas like you, and don’t you forget it. We teach. We protect. But most of all, Mama, we love…”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Your Love is King
The day was overcast. Bits and pieces of the sun filtered through a thick layer of fluffy clouds and the dusky blue sky. Alicia had on a black and white dress, cinched with a sash at the waist, hair pulled in an updo with pearls and faux diamonds scattered throughout the dark tresses. She stood with her foot up against the wall, her laughter boisterous and her soul radiating.
Kane leaned against the wall right beside her in the back of the church. Sharing a wine cooler, they probably looked like two school delinquents, smoking and cursing, drinking their teenage problems away.
She’d talked him into it when she’d busted him pacing back and forth outside the men’s restroom, talking to himself, sorting his thoughts as though shuffling a deck of cards. He must have looked plum crazy to one of Jessica’s best friends, but the lady had made no comment. Instead, Alicia had said, ‘Meet me out back for a drink.’ Now, here they were. As they stood out there joking, talking and sipping, her cell phone rang.
“I better get this. Hold on, Kane.”
He took in their surroundings. People were entering the church’s front doors, and it felt kind of neat to be a lurker, watching everyone pile inside, studying their expressions, hearing bits and pieces of conversations along the way. Moments later, loud organ music began to play.
The large church parking lot was packed with cars. So many, he was struck with awe. Some of the vehicles belonged to his f
amily and friends from Dallas, but the majority were his soon-to-be wife’s clan. Jessica knew a lot of people, especially with her job, and the fact she’d been active in church at one time. She was known to throw the best parties and people simply gravitated toward her like bees to honey, but he simply hadn’t been prepared for the majority of the wedding invitations she’d sent out. He’d warned of overkill, and there was no need to invite four hundred people. But she did anyway, and three hundred and thirty-one of them RSVP’d to show up. Everyone adored Jessica; she was that girl. He shrugged and grinned.
I shouldn’t have been surprised. Just about everyone she meets loves her within minutes…
Ruckus exploded from the parking lot. Several Black men that reminded him of Skittles, all dressed in brightly colored fine suits with matching shoes, a couple with ostentatious hats, drew closer to the church. Kane remembered meeting them at the Christmas party hosted by his mother-in-law.
One was Corey, his soon-to-be brother-in-law, looking dapper in a black suit with lime green tie and black and lime green shoes, and the other three men in flamingo pink, canary yellow, and fire engine red were cousins, one perhaps an uncle. Alicia ended her call and looped her arm around his.
“Don’t they look crazy?! Ol’ pimps!” He stifled a laugh. “You can’t tell them they ain’t fly and all that though. Believe me, I tried. Speaking of looks, you’re so handsome, Kane. That black tuxedo looks so good on you!”
“Thank you. You look mighty pretty yourself.”
“Thanks. I like your hair, got it in a nice ponytail, smellin’ nice, and see, that’s great, but don’t let it go to your head because let me tell you something, brother-in-law.”
“Brother-in-law? I’m honored!” He grinned.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” she teased. “Don’t go feeling too special because you ain’t no match for Jess, Kane. When I tell you that her face is beat like Mike Tyson went in on that ass, that’s what I mean! She done lost some pounds and got on some Spanx ’nd shit, corsets on top of corsets, girdles, done smoothed everything down to perfection. Hell, I considered marryin’ her my damn self!” He burst out laughing. “I’ve seen her… Melissa is finishing up her makeup. I was afraid she was going to have my girl looking like some hoodrat off Instagram, but naw, she did her up nice! She. Looks. Beautiful!”
“I bet she does. I can’t wait to see her.” He imagined the woman who’d stolen his heart walking down the aisle to meet him, then glanced down at his watch. “We better get back inside.”
“I was just finna say the same thing. Come on, let’s go.”
They entered the large church through the back door, their shoes clicking against the glossy wooden floors. The Southern Baptist church boasted high arched ceilings, marble columns, and French doors that led into several smaller rooms. The entrance to the sanctuary consisted of four gold and glass double doors. No expense had been spared to make it magnificent. This was in fact one of the prettiest churches he’d ever seen. No wonder there was a long waiting list for weddings. However, Jessica knew the pastor’s wife and some strings were pulled to get them a spot. It also didn’t hurt that Jessica’s mother’s church had been guests there for various programs.
As they drew closer to the sanctuary, the crowd thickened. Swarms of people flocked up to him, showering him with hugs and words of encouragement. He spotted his father seated in the distance, to his right, and waved at him. He knew he was attending but hadn’t spoken to him yet. The man smiled and waved back.
“Come here.” Melissa yanked him out of the crowd. “Kane, you were supposed to be over on the other side by now. They’ve been looking for you!” she chastised.
“They are? I have my phone off. I didn’t wanna forget and have it go off in the middle of the wedding.”
“We figured as much. Everybody is here now. The bridesmaids’ hair and makeup is done. The groomsmen are dressed and ready to go. The wedding coordinator is talkin’ to the photographer, but they should be around soon so I’m just helping to make sure everyone is lined up.” He could tell Melissa was enjoying this… being bossy and what not. The woman’s hip-hugging black and white dress had a short matching train that flowed as she took each eager step. “You gotta come in this side door over here, just like we rehearsed.”
“All right, yes ma’am. You won’t get any fussin’ from me.”
They reached the door and were met with his two brothers, who he hugged hard. Emotion poured out like a fountain.
“I saw Dad,” he announced once they’d gained their composure.
“Yeah, he was checking out the church. It’s nice here.”
“Mom here?” His brothers looked at one another then back at him. “Well,” he huffed, crossing his arms, “looks like there’s my answer.”
“Don’t worry about her, Kane,” Tripp stated. “She’ll come around eventually. Just give her time.”
“Time isn’t promised to us, Tripp. I’ve wasted too much already. The hell with it.” He blinked back his emotions, feeling angry deep inside, but he swallowed down the words he wanted to say… the ones that were foul, full of hurt with sharp blades on their vowels, fit for lashing out. He wouldn’t allow his mother’s absence to ruin his special day. “Anyway,” he tossed on a smile and clasped his hands, “y’all look amazing in your black tuxedos and checkered black and white ties! What?! Lookin’ like a million bucks!”
“We do, don’t we?” Owen said proudly.
“Yes, you do! Speaking of which, let me check on everyone else. I won’t hear the end of it if Melissa or the coordinator sees anyone without their boutonniere.”
Kane walked over to speak to a number of friends who came from Dallas and expressed his gratitude at their presence. He caught his sisters, nieces, and nephews in the front rows, along with his dad. The wedding coordinator made her way over and began to line people up, direct the ushers, and speak to the musicians. A singer took the microphone as light music started to play. The vocalist performed a rendering of Brian McKnight’s, ‘Love Of My Life.’ Kane was quite amused upon seeing many of the Black people in the pews sway back and forth, snapping their fingers, waving fans and falling into the groove…
This was what he loved… what he missed. An image of Lamont filled his mind and his chest tightened. He hoped that someway, somewhere, somehow, his best friend could see him right then.
Large hats filled the place, drowning it in a sea of color. Sweet perfume drifted by – or was that the scent of love, acceptance and understanding?
It wasn’t long before all the groomsmen and bridesmaids marched inside the sanctuary, hand in hand, to the tune of ‘Marry You’ by Bruno Mars. With careful steps, he walked down the aisle with his brother Tripp. The music changed to ‘All of Me,’ by John Legend. He felt as though he were floating, his body and mind at ease. In a flash, he was standing at the altar, five men behind him to his left, the minister to his right.
He could see his reflection in the glass altar table. Wearing a black suit with a white tie featuring two black chess pieces, he was pretty sharp. He shook his head in disbelief, in shock that he was getting married to someone so amazing, someone who made him smile each and every single day. His hair was brushed back and gathered in a long, sleek ponytail. His sideburns, mustache, and beard were trimmed to perfection.
The song came to an end. The wedding coordinator whispered something to the singer, then drew closer to everyone sitting in the pews.
As this was going on, Kane glanced over at the other side of the stage, where the bridesmaids stood. Five striking women dressed in elaborate gowns, all of them draped in luxurious black and white satin, silk, and tulle. They were all shades of brown, with different hairstyles and unique faces. Some dresses were short, others long, all in various sizes and styles. Melissa’s dress stood out from the rest by a single detail, a short lace train due to her being the maid of honor. The singer’s rendition of ‘Thinking Out Loud,’ by Ed Sheeran, began to play. Kane mouthed the words and tapped his foot
to the rhythm. It was one of his most favorite songs.
A hand rested on his shoulder. Knowing it was Tripp, he reached around and tapped his big brother’s fingers.
“The bride will be coming. Everyone please rise,” the coordinator spoke through the microphone. The back frosted glass and gold doors opened slowly, revealing pure royalty…
Jessica stood with her arm curled around her uncle’s. Kane could hear some audible gasps right before the music began… He brought his hands together as if in prayer, and bowed to her.
A female singer took the microphone and began to sing, ‘True Colors’ by Cyndi Lauper. As Jessica drew closer, he took in her white ballroom gown. The waist was cinched tight with black ribbon and a rose. Her hair was gathered in an elaborate bun, piled high atop her head. A crystal tiara with gold accents and adornments completed the style. A long train flowed behind her and in her hands, she held a bouquet of white roses.
Their eyes locked.
He felt a pang in his heart… soul recognizing soul.
Her skin was flawless… The rich ebony tones of her face were highlighted along the cheekbones, the bridge of her nose, and her Cupid’s bow. A ruby red lipstick shade covered her lips, and the whites of her eyes practically glowed. Two tear-shaped crystal earrings hung from her lobes. She sparkled like stars in the night sky.
“Look at Jess!” he heard someone say. Many in the crowd appeared in awe. Others smiled and wiped away tears of joy.
“I don’t clean up too bad, huh?” Jessica said, causing an avalanche of laughter. Kane tossed a glance at his mother-in-law who sat close to his father, and the woman was crying her eyes out. Tears of joy.
“You look beautiful, baby!” He blew her a kiss.
When she reached his side, he could barely pay attention to what was going on. He managed to hear the tail end of her uncle’s words when he was giving her away then the man taking his seat. A flower girl came down the aisle dressed in a frilly black and white checkerboard printed dress. She donned a tiny veil, and her little black legs popped against the stark white frilly socks. She drew ohhs and ahhhs from the crowd as she showed off, doing twirls and spinning about, her head of soft black curls bouncing and glistening under the lights.