“I know.”
“Not even Sarah.”
“I know.”
Dean placed his beer on the bar and rubbed his hand over his face. “Is that a good thing?”
“I don’t know.” And I didn’t. I stared at the mirror over the bar, watching Kit’s reflection as I remembered the events of the morning. “I don’t know. I got off the shift and she’s the first person I thought to call.” I glanced at Dean with a shrug. “I needed to see her.”
Dean stared at me like I’d just spoken in pig latin. “Well, that’s good. Right?”
“I don’t know.” Damn, I sounded like a broken record. “I just needed to be with her.”
I’d known in my gut that she was exactly what I needed. And she was perfect. She’d known when I’d needed to sit and brood and when I’d needed to laugh. Then, she’d offered herself to me, so sweetly and openly, and I was unable to do anything but bury myself inside her body and make love to her with a ferocity that shocked me.
Make love to her.
Not just sex.
Oh hell. I’m in trouble. I squeezed my eyes shut at the memory of the way I felt the minute I’d entered her soft, warm body. I’d worried I was going to be too rough, that I would hurt her. And I was right. I was going to hurt her.
“I’m falling for her,” I said.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.” I opened my eyes to see Dean gearing up to launch into a “this is great” speech and I cut him off. “It won’t work. I can’t do it.”
“Bullshit. That’s just Sarah talking.”
My frustration bubbled to the surface and I growled. “No. That’s the truth. I’ll fuck this up eventually. I don’t know how to do this.”
Dean’s face flushed with anger. “Bullshit. You’ll figure it out like the rest of us assholes.”
I refused to debate this with him. I knew me. I knew my limitations and I would fuck this up and when I did, Kit would dump my ass and I would be in the hurt locker. It would be ten times worse than Sarah and I just couldn’t do it.
I already needed her too much.
Dean nudged my shoulder as Kit headed over to us with her cheeks flushed and eyes bright. Her cheerfulness faltered when she glanced in my direction. God only knows what she saw in my face because I felt like I was raw and ripped open.
“You want a drink?” Dean asked.
“Just a Diet Coke, please.”
Kit glanced towards me, her eyes lingering for a moment on my bourbon. I did not make eye contact with either of them, instead watching the activity in the mirror over the bar.
Dean ordered her drink and pointed towards the crowd in the bar. “I can’t believe you got Stoney to smile. I didn’t think he actually had teeth.”
Dean nudged me again, and I tried to join in on the conversation, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what I knew I had to do. Minutes crawled by and I seethed until I couldn’t stand it any longer.
I put my glass down and touched Kit’s arm to interrupt her conversation with Dean. “We need to go.”
My voice was more gruff than I’d intended and she pulled away from my touch with a confused and hurt expression on her face. I sucked in a breath and gave myself a do–over. “Don’t you have an early photo shoot tomorrow? We should go.”
Nodding, she shot me a questioning look before turning to Dean and making her excuses to leave. On autopilot, I took her arm and headed out of the bar and across the parking lot towards my truck.
Kit stopped and turned and faced off with me. I couldn’t look at her.
“Max. Are you okay?”
Just do it Max. End it. I looked at the neon sign on the bar and avoided her eyes as I hedged. “I’m just tired. I need to go.”
The bustle of traffic and the distant sound of a siren filled the silence.
“Do you want to go to my place?”
I shook my head, my eyes still glued on the garish neon. “No. I don’t think so. I just need to go home.”
“Okay... you just want to call me tomorrow?”
I turned to face her and she faltered. What she saw in my face caused her features to cloud over with a wariness I hated to see. I hated that I was the one to put it there.
I fought the urge to hit something as I ended the best two weeks of my life. “No. I don’t think I should call you anymore. This needs to end now.”
She stepped back and raised an arm up over her stomach, as if reacting to a physical blow.
Determined to get it over with, I plowed ahead. “You were right. We both knew this was going to be a short–term thing. I just think we should end it now. It would be better.”
Her eyes searched my face as her mouth struggled to form words. She cleared her throat, her voice raw. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No. It’s not you. It’s me.”
Fuck, that was a terrible thing to say. I was an asshole.
She might have been hurt two seconds before but now she was pissed. “I can’t believe you used that line on me. You’re dumping me with one of the worst excuses ever.” Kit walked up and poked me in the chest. “If you want to end this, then just tell me why it’s over. Don’t hide behind some lame–ass line you think is going to spare my tender feelings.”
Unable to maintain eye contact, I looked over to a group of people exiting the bar and struggled to say something that would soften the blow. But I didn’t trust myself to speak and not take it all back. I turned and Kit was no longer standing beside me. She was walking towards the sidewalk and talking to someone on her cell.
What the hell?
“Yeah I need a cab at Stoney’s... that’s the one... I’ll be waiting.” She clicked the phone shut and continued walking on the sidewalk towards the front of the bar.
I sprinted to catch up to her. “I’ll drive you home.”
“We’re done, Max. I called a cab and it’ll be here soon. Just leave me alone.”
I stood there on the sidewalk as she waited for her cab.
You can’t just let it end this way. Time to be a grown–up and be honest about why this was such a colossal mistake.
Desperate, I blurted out the truth. “I can’t do this. I like you.”
Kit’s face registered surprise for the briefest moment and then she was pissed again. “You like me? You sound like a middle–school boy.”
She was right. I tried to figure out a way to explain why I had to get out before it was too late to salvage my heart.
“The other night, Shannon got to pick the movie at the station and she chose the chick flick where that British guy hooked up with the movie star. You know the one I’m talking about?”
Kit nodded. “I know the one but what does that have to do with us?”
“I’m getting to it.” I took a step closer. “At the end, she comes to him and lays it all out there. Tells him she loves him, the whole nine yards, but he turns her down. He explains that he’s just a regular guy and when she dumps him he’ll have to deal with seeing her face on TV, in magazines—everywhere—and he wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
“And?”
“That guy? He’s me. I wanted to be with my fantasy–girl and then walk away with no regrets just like I always do, but I didn’t expect to care about you. I didn’t expect to need you.” I tentatively reached out, capturing her hand. “And I do need you. So fucking much. This is more than a fling to me and I have to get out while I can. Because when it ends, when I fuck it up, I’ll be the one having to live in this town with your face and music everywhere.”
I stroked my thumb gently over her palm, memorizing the way her tiny hand fit inside my own, the softness of her skin. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Funny, open, giving and way out of my league. I had to get out now before I couldn’t walk away.
She looked at me and I hated the sadness etched onto her face.
“In that scene, she also reminded him that all this stuff was just nonsense—not real—she was just a regular girl,” she said.
She stepped forward and placed her hand on my chest and I leaned into the warmth of her touch.
“I’m just me, Max. All the famous stuff, it isn’t me. I thought you knew that.”
“If you’d stayed the fantasy, I could handle it. But you didn’t. That’s why I need to walk away now.”
It was the truth, but I wished like hell I could take it back. Kit looked at me for a long time, like she was trying to see if there was any argument to make and I knew the second she knew it was useless. She nodded slightly and it was done.
I stepped closer, pulling her into my arms and holding her close as I memorized her soft curves. I buried my face in her hair and inhaled her unique scent. Even though it couldn’t last, I didn’t regret being with her. She pulled back and gazed at me.
“It was this morning, wasn’t it?”
I just stared at her, unsure about how to answer her question.
“That was real—what happened between us. It was real,” she said.
“Yes, it was.”
“You don’t want real.”
“I—” Oh fuck. “I don’t need real.”
“That’s bullshit. Everybody needs real.” Kit reached up and touched my cheek and I leaned into it. I couldn’t help myself. “We just tell ourselves we don’t want it because we’re scared.”
That hit too close. Too close. “I don’t need it.”
“Sure you don’t.” She dropped her hand and I missed her warmth. “We could be good together. You’re going to regret this, you know?”
“I already do.” And that was the most honest fucking thing I’d ever said in my life. “I just can’t go where this is headed. What you want is not what I want. That hasn’t changed.”
As her cab pulled up, she shook off my touch and I braced for the final goodbye. It was for the best. I had a chance to land on my feet if I got out now.
Everything was in slow motion as the cabbie rolled down the window and asked if Kit was his fare. She said something to the guy but I couldn’t hear it over the roaring in my ears. When she turned back to me, she had a fake smile pasted on her face and her eyes were bright with moisture. Standing on her tiptoes, she softly kissed me, and then climbed into the cab.
I watched the cab turn the corner towards Kit’s loft and drive away.
And then she was gone.
I knew it was the right thing.
It was the grown–up thing.
Being a grown up sucked.
23
Kit
“Kit!”
“Tyler!”
“Look over here!”
I pasted a smile on my face and struck a pose for the cameras on the red carpet constructed by the label in their large, opulently appointed lobby. The event, a party to celebrate the kick–off of my tour, was loud, crowded, and seemed to go on for hours. My feet hurt in the ludicrously high heels my stylist had picked out for me, and my jaw ached from the constant smiling for the photographers.
And my heart hurt.
The dull ache had started three days earlier in the parking lot outside of Stoney’s Bar, when Max kicked me to the curb. No, that was harsh. He didn’t kick me to the curb—he broke up with me. And he didn’t even do that because we weren’t together.
“Kit, darlin’.”
A couple of times I’d almost called him, but my finger stalled over the “call” button and I’d closed the phone without dialing. His position was clear and I needed to respect it and move on. I couldn’t have him. I’d known it from the beginning. Now I needed to get on with my tour and life; without Max.
“Kit, darlin’. Are you ok?”
Tyler’s voice jerked me back to the present, back to the glare of the lights and the click of the photographers’ cameras. Dazed and disoriented, I leaned into Tyler’s side as he steadied me. Tyler gazed at me with affection and desire and I pressed closer, selfishly seeking comfort where I could find it. Tyler smiled in reaction and his gaze shifted down to my mouth while his grip on my waist tightened. Alarm bells rang faintly in my head as he leaned closer, brushing his lips against mine in a soft kiss.
I sighed, all the tension in my body easing away as I returned Tyler’s kiss. He was familiar, safe, and it was so easy to just lean in to him and forget all of my angst about the tour, Ron, and Max.
Max.
Oh no. This is wrong.
Ignoring the flashes going off like the Fourth of July, I pushed away from Tyler and stumbled back in the direction of my dressing area. Reporters were yelling at me but I waved them off and ran as fast as I could in those ridiculous shoes. I needed a few minutes to remember who the fuck I was and who I wasn’t. I wasn’t a woman who kissed one man while I thought of someone else.
Tyler was close on my heels, so I sped up, made eye contact with my security, and nodded my head in Tyler’s direction. My mountain of muscle quirked an eyebrow at me and nodded just before he closed in and blocked the door that I quickly opened and closed behind me.
Once inside, I let loose a strangled scream, ripped the ridiculous shoes off and hurled them across the room. The sudden peace and quiet in the room sucked out the last ounce of my adrenaline and I took the few steps to my dressing table and sank down on a chair before my legs gave out. Stricken, I stared at my reflection. I was proud of my ability to slip into my alter ego and handle any situation life threw at me. I never lost it in front of the press. Never let the mask slip.
“Super Kit” was invincible.
I sighed, grabbed a makeup brush and started touching up my face. I was disgusted at myself—I’d used Tyler. I was a jerk and, in a colossally dumb move, did it in front of a ton of photographers. My hand stilled in applying the makeup as I gave myself the ass–chewing I needed. “Get your head in the game. You have too much riding on this tour to get sidetracked by emotional bullshit.”
A knock on the door halted my lecture–for–one. “Not now, Tyler. Give me a minute!”
“It’s not Tyler.” Bridget’s voice was muffled through the door. “Can I come in?”
I went over to the door, opening it just enough to let Bridget and my attorney, Patrick, into the room. Surprised, I reached out and gave him a big hug.
“Patrick, what are you doing here? Don’t you have a new baby at home?”
His eyes twinkled at the mention of his newborn son. “I’m on my way there right now, but I wanted to drop off the papers you had me draw up.” He handed an envelope to me, his smile dimming with the change of subject. “Are you sure you want to give Ron such a generous severance package?”
I sat down on the couch and drew the papers out of the envelope. “He was the key to my success and I can’t forget that fact. Even if—” I faltered as I looked over the papers and then up at my two friends. I was confused.
“What’s this?” I pointed at the top three papers.
Bridget and Patrick exchanged a look and suddenly I knew what was going on here. “Ron has been the one feeding information to the press about your activities with Max, your supposed relationship with Tyler. He’s also made questionable deals for you where he got kick–backs. Big bribes. Lucrative bribes. My team found evidence that goes back almost to the beginning of your professional relationship.” He gestured to the pile. “He has not done his duty to you and I think you should fire him for cause and refuse to give him a severance package.”
“Can I do that?”
“According to his contract, he forfeits his severance if he violates the terms and conditions of his contract.”
“And you can prove that he did?”
Patrick nodded. “And that he was planning to continue with your next album. I have an inside person at the label who states that Ron had meetings with Liam Connor and promised he would kill the new songs, your new sound. He was going to get a bigger cut directly from Liam on your new contract, as well.”
“Really?” I sat back on the sofa and part of me wasn’t surprised at all. Things between us had been rocky at best—hostile on a good day lat
ely—but I couldn’t believe he would actively stab me in the back. But I had to be realistic about where I was in my career at this moment. “I can’t fire him now. I’m about to go on tour.”
“Kit, I called Paul Brandt,” Bridget joined in. “He said he’s on the next plane and he’ll stay until we find a replacement for Ron.”
Paul would be able to hit the ground running. And he would come to me if I needed him—and I needed him now. I didn’t want to drag him into this but I didn’t see any choice.
I stared down at the papers lying on the table, wondering what else could go wrong. I needed to focus and make a decision now.
“Do it. Fire Ron with no severance.”
“He’ll probably sue.”
“Great. Just what I need—another scandal.” But I was past worrying about that. I needed to act and deal with the fallout, whatever that might be. “Do it anyway and get Paul here. We don’t have much time.”
I’d made my decision and the rapid knock on my door and “five minutes Ms. Landry” indicated that my duties at the party wouldn’t wait for this latest development. Rising up from the couch, I mentally prepared to deal with the crowd waiting outside my door. A squeeze from Bridget, and a “hang in there” from Patrick was all I had time for before I opened the door and entered the party full of press, label management, and Tyler. Kissing him now seemed so minor in comparison to everything else that was falling apart in my life.
Josef, my head of security, stuck close to me as we moved through the crowd, heading towards the area set up for the speeches and the press Q & A. I shook off the drama of the last few moments, put on my “Super Kit” persona, smiled, and waved hello to those who called out good wishes. Someone came up behind me, too close, and I figured it was Tyler. I turned to ask him to walk over to the podium with me.
It wasn’t Tyler.
I stepped back from the microphone shoved way too far into my personal space. “I’m sorry, but the press conference will start in a few minutes. Okay?”
The reporter, one I didn’t know, pressed forward. “Why’d you lie, Kit?”
Confused, I looked over my shoulder, making sure Josef was watching the exchange. I gave a nod in the reporter’s direction and began to walk away. He kept after me, still shoving that damn microphone in my face. The scene was starting to draw attention and conversation muted as we passed by.
Naked Love Page 145