by Kait Rose
“Damn I’m so happy to be a guy.” I threw my water bottler at Declan and the ass caught it and started chugging it.
“Don’t you have food at your house?” Declan really made himself at home to the point it felt like he lived here.
“You try finding something to eat with ten other guys living with you.”
“Enough with the food talk. Do you even want to know what Chanel did when Jude called her out in front of everyone?”
“Yeah, did she have a melt down?”
“She totally got embarrassed and her face ratted her out. She couldn’t even deny it. Her sorority sisters all got up and she started chasing them, begging not be kicked out. You shouldn’t be getting anymore texts now.” I should feel happy Chanel was finally being the one to be embarrassed, but I was now feeling even more guilty than before. I wish I never told Jude I doubted his story about what happened to him.
“What’s wrong?” Declan said with a mouth full of sandwich.
“I blamed Jude for it and said something I shouldn’t have said.”
“You can always apologize if it’s making you feel bad.” Declan suggested.
“Really? I don’t think she does.” Stella said to Declan.
“When you make a mistake, you fix it.” Declan put his sandwich down and was ready to take on Stella’s argument.
“Not when that person has been an asshole to you and done worst! Why are you even sticking up for him when he punched you in the face?” Stella was standing on a chair to make herself taller. I couldn’t stop the little giggle that slipped out. Especially when they both whipped their heads at the same time in my direction.
“Sorry.” I put a hand over my mouth to hide my smile.
Declan turned his head back at Stella and said, “Can we please never bring that up again? My team has been giving me shit all week. By the way it was a sucker punch and if I saw it coming I would have blocked it. Anyways Jude was a man and came to me to apologize. See when you make a mistake, you own up to it.” I was shocked to hear Jude apologized. It seemed like he was trying to right his wrongs.
“He’s right. It doesn’t feel right if I don’t.”
“Ok then I support you.” Stella walked over and squeezed my hand.
“Me too.” Declan held up his sandwich and both me and Stella couldn’t help but laugh.
~.~
The next two weeks passed and we were on our last day before the start of fall break. I haven’t seen Jude since the day in front of the English building. He wasn’t in class, not answering my texts or calls, and I didn’t see him anywhere on campus. I would have just stopped by their house, but I didn’t feel like dealing with Knox and the hundred questions he would ask me. Lately Knox has been asking Stella if I had feelings for Declan or Jude. I wish he would just let go of me so he could find his person.
I was leaving my last class when I spotted Ezra sitting on a bench in the court alone. I figured why not ask him since he lives with Jude. “Hey. Have you seen Jude? I need to talk to him, but he’s nowhere to be found.”
“Hey you. Yeah his professors let him finish classes early since he was needed back home. He was in such a rush he packed his bag and forgot his phone.” Home? I tried to think where he could have meant, but I had no idea. It was a realization that there was still so much to Jude that I didn’t know.
“Ok. Will I see you at Delilah’s Thanksgiving night?”
“You bet. Stella’s been bragging about those honey biscuits Delilah makes. She’s been having my mouth drool ever since.” I wanted to say I’m sure it’s the biscuits that have your mouth drooling, but I had no energy to tease him about Stella.
“Yeah they’re amazing, but you better hope Stella and Knox don’t eat them all.”
His mouth dropped open said, “Is the human garbage disposal coming too?” It was funny that I knew he was talking about Declan.
“No he’s spending Thanksgiving with his mom and brothers.” I invited him, but this was his first Thanksgiving without his dad. He didn’t want to leave his mom alone which was understandable.
“Well at least that’s one person I don’t have to worry about eating them all.” Ezra said laughing. I tried laughing too, but my mind was on Jude,
“What’s wrong?” Ezra caught on quick to my mood.
“A lot is on my mind but it’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I gave him a quick hug and got in my car to head to Delilah’s.
When I got to Delilah’s house and went inside, there was a huge spread of every favorite food and desert of mine that she makes. Besides the amazing caseworker she is, Delilah is also a fantastic cook.
“Delilah?” I called out. She popped out from behind the island and gave me a scare. “Shit Del! You scared me!”
“Language. Now there’s my girl, I missed you so much!” She rounded the island and gave me a tight hug. I forget sometimes how much I do miss her. With all the drama back at school I barely visited as much as I should have, but I promised myself I would visit more.
“I miss you a ton too. What’s all this?” I motioned my hand towards all the food.
“I didn’t know what you would want, so I made all of your favorites.” She grabbed the plates and passed one to me.
“I just saw you a few weeks ago but thank you, I’ll never turn down your apple turnovers.” Honestly she should have owned a diner or bakery with how good her food is.
We talked about how school was going, which I left all the drama with Jude out, and how living with Stella was going. Delilah look distracted and was doing that nervous tick where she taps her fingers like crazy. I set my fork down and said, “I’m starting to think you made me all my favorites because you’re about to tell me something that you are unsure on how I will react.”
She looked at me with wide eyes and said, “Wow that was a mature observation. Seems like your sessions with Dr. Fully are paying off.”
“Yeah I like him, he’s good.” I was starting to get confused as to where this was going.
“I started dating someone I’ve been friends with for awhile now.” Delilah said fast.
“Ok? That’s great, but why are you acting like it’s a secret. You know you’re an adult and can date.” I said jokingly.
She gave a little nervous laugh and yelled, “Honey can you come down here.”
My eyes went straight to the staircase where Dr. Fully was walking down. I wasn’t surprised it was him since the two of them always flirted when they thought I wasn’t listening. I picked up my fork and started to finish my turnover.
“Hello Madison.”
“Hey Doc, try this.” I pushed my plate over and he picked up the turnover to try it.
“Damn that’s good. How’s school?”
“Same old, same old. How’s the office?”
“Same old, same old.” We fist bumped and went back to eating our turnovers while Delilah’s eyes kept looking back and forth between me and Doc.
“You want some or are you planning to catch flies with your mouth open like that.”
Delilah shut her mouth and cleared her throat by saying, “Did you understand when I said I was dating and called Scott in, that he is the one I’m dating.”
“Yeah took you long enough Doc.” He spit the piece of turnover he had in his mouth out.
“What do you mean by it took me long enough?” They both looked at me with innocent eyes. I swear they are acting like I am five years old and have no idea when two adults like each other they start to date.
“You guys do know I’m an adult and I know what flirting is, right? I seen it coming for a while and if you want to know how I feel about you two than I’m happy if you two are happy.” They both nodded their heads and seemed relieved I took their news well. God even knows how long Delilah was stressing out about it.
“That’s great Madison. Now our sessions are still between us and only us. It’s ok too if you want to call me Scott here.”
“Ok Scott.” It felt weird calling my therapist by his first name, b
ut I guess I’ll get used to it. “Alright love birds, I’m going to head up and sleep this food off.” They both said goodnight and I could hear them already being cute with each other. Delilah was threatening to spray him with the sink hose if even thinks about hitting her in the face with one of the mini pies. I guess he didn’t take her warning because I can hear Delilah screaming and then both of them laughing hysterically. They reminded me of two teenagers in love, which made me miss when Jude and I were kids fooling around like that. Everything always came back to him.
I spent the night tossing and turning, not being able to shut my mind off. Why is it the moment you lay your head on the pillow you replay everything in your head? Then the next thing your doing is thinking what would happen if you did this instead of that. Just so many it’s, what’s, and why’s. By the time the sun started to rise, I was mentally exhausted. Thankfully my brain got the memo and I was finally able to fall asleep.
By the time I got up it was already one. Everyone was coming for five, so I still had time to visit my mama. I always visited her on thanksgiving because it was her favorite holiday. My father would be glued to the tv watching football. He was surprisingly good on Thanksgiving which gave me and my mama break from the abuse we faced from him any other day.
I took a shower, got dressed, and headed down to the kitchen to say good bye to Delilah before heading to the cemetery. Surprisingly she wasn’t anywhere to be found, but I did see a note taped on the refrigerator.
Madison,
Scott and I had to go the market to pick up some food for tonight. I’ll be home around two. Tell your mama I said hello and I’ll see you later.
Love, Delilah
One of the many things I loved about Delilah was she never judged my mama for her mistakes. I grabbed my scarf, a bottle of the wine my mama only drank on Thanksgiving, and headed out to the cemetery. They say time make things easier, but I don’t think it ever gets easier. Time makes you learn how to manage your new life without your love ones, but trust me there’s nothing ever easy about losing someone close to you. There is never a time or place that doesn’t remind me of my mama.
When I got to her headstone, I sat in front of it and poured my mama a cup of the wine. It may be silly to others, but it’s something I’ve done the past few years that makes me feel that my mama is here visiting with me. “Hey mama, happy Thanksgiving. So much has changed this year that I really wish you were here. I live off campus with Stella while I go to St. John’s University. Do you remember me telling you about Jude? Funny thing he goes there too and lives with Stella’s brother.” I paused for a few minutes before saying, “Mama I fell. I fell hard for Jude and I don’t think I ever stopped. The problem is we have so much history filled with secrets and lies, but there’s been good moments too. He confuses me because he will do or say something awful, but then he makes up for it in some way.” I paused and took a drink of the wine before finally admitting, “I finally got fed up with the back and forth between us, so I decided to walk away. In my head I was doing the right thing, but my heart begs to differ. I’m so lost mama.” I laid my head against her tombstone when a gust of wind blew through. I looked down at a beanie that flew next to me and it’s owner looking down at me.
“How did you find me here?” I asked Jude.
“That gust of wind blew my beanie over here.” He bent down and grabbed his beanie from next to my mama’s tombstone.
“Oh ok.” I felt like an idiot there for a minute because I thought he might have came here looking for me.
“I’m happy it did.” Jude said.
“You are?” Just those few words he said had my heart racing.
“Listen little bird, this isn’t the first and mostly likely won’t be the last time I screw up, but I’m sorry for everything.”
“Thank you, but honestly I still have no idea why you are so mad at me.”
He took a deep breath. Either he was nervous or pissed that I was still clueless, but he finally said, “Mr.Montgomery showed me the texts on his phone from you telling him I was selling his wife’s pills and that I tried drugging and taking advantage of you. He kicked me out because of that.” All this time he thought I betrayed him because of that monster.
“When were the texts sent?” I hope Mr. Montgomery was dumb enough to do it that night.
“The night we got caught. I figured you did it because I wanted to keep us a secret, but Madison it’s ok it doesn’t matter to me.”
“It does matter! How could I send those texts if he took our phones away that night.” Jude’s face paled at the realization that I never had my phone to do that. All these years we wasted over me thinking he abandoned me and him thinking I betrayed him.
“Fuck!” He shouted and some families looked at us. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down to sit by me. “Madison I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking, I just saw them from your number and thought it was true.”
I couldn’t be mad at him. Mr. Montgomery was a vile human being who had to take everything that meant the most to me away.
“It’s ok I forgive you.” How Jude treated me wasn’t right, but I refused to let Mr. Montgomery win. I knew in my heart that Jude would have not treated me the way he did if it wasn’t for Mr. Montgomery’s lies.
“Why did he do it?” That’s a question I asked myself a million times. Mr. Montgomery has everything and anything anyone would want. Why did he have to take everything away from me?
I shrugged my shoulders. Now wasn’t the time to tell Jude what Mr. Montgomery did to me. I knew soon I would, but I wanted it to be on my own time and not while sitting next to my mama’s grave. Even though my mama is dead, I still never spoke the words out loud for her about what happened to me after she died. I wanted my mama think I had this fresh amazing start, not one where it was worst than what we lived through.
“I’m sorry by the way for accusing you of starting those texts and doubting what you said to me. Stella told me what you did and thank you.”
“It’s ok I honestly deserve worst than what you said. I’ll always keep you safe Madison, I’m just sorry I haven’t since I saw you again.” I gave him a small smile and scooted closer to him.
“Can we start over?” He asked me.
“I’d like that.” He leaned over and kissed me on the top of my head. I was sick to my stomach that I was hiding a huge secret from him that may change how he feels about me, but I decided to push my feelings to the side. I wanted today to be an easy day, but when are they ever...
“So what are you doing here?” Out of all places I didn’t think he would be here.
“I was visiting Mrs. Quinn.” He solemnly said and the realization he meant here in this cemetery made my heart hurt all over again.
“She’s dead?” I wished more than anything he would say no, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
“Cancer’s a bitch.” I took a sip from the wine I brought and passed it to him.
“She left before I even got to say good bye. Did you see her anytime after you left?” She was like the grandmother I never had. I was hurt she never said good bye, but it hurt more that I never got to say good bye now.
“Remember how I told you about Ben? He saved me from the Dolan’s and owns the tattoo parlor I help out at.” I nodded my head yes and he continued to say, “Wel funny thing about that is Mrs.Quinn was his mother. You know I always thought her last name was quinn, but it was actually James.”
“Is that why you changed your name to honor her?” I always thought her last name was quinn too. I wish I spent more time getting to know her.
“Yes and no. She adopted me after Ben brought me to her house. After the Montgomery’s and Dolan’s, she didn’t want me to end up anywhere else where that could happen to me again. We all thought it was best to change my last name so no one would connect me from the stories in the news. I’ll tell you though I’m happy I did because she was more of a mother to me than anyone else.” Jude and Mrs. Quinn always had a bond between them. I’m
happy she and her son were there to save him when no one else would.
“I’m happy she was there for you.” I took another sip of the wine and passed it back.
“She talked a lot about you and always wondered if you got out of that house.”
That was good to hear, but I had a question that hopefully he could answer that I always wondered about.
“Why did she leave without saying goodbye?”
“She would have said good bye to you if she was given the chance. Trust me, it drove her crazy for years that she never got to and she wondered what you must have thought. That night before I left, she went to the hospital and was told her cancer returned. The Montgomery’s refused to give her time off and she had to quit. They treated her like she didn’t give them ten years of her life.”
“I’m not surprised since all they cared about was themselves.” We both nodded our heads in agreement.
“Are you spending Thanksgiving with Ben?”
“No him and his wife had to fly to California. His daughter got in some trouble out there and they’ve been staying with her. That’s why I came back early to help with the shop.”
“Oh ok, well everyone is coming over Delilah’s later, will you come?” I didn’t want him spending the holiday alone and honestly I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him either.
“If it’s ok with Delilah then yeah I’d like too.”
We sat there for awhile drinking the rest of the wine and catching up about everything we missed and what our plans were for after we graduate. “What do you want to be?” Jude asked me. When I was asked this when I was younger I never had an answer. Most kids would say an astronaut, president, teacher, and other amazing jobs. Me, I wouldn’t say anything because part of me didn’t know if I would be alive that long.
Now I had dreams and I answered him by saying, “I actually want to be a social worker. I want to help kids in broken homes find a right home that they will be safe in.” He squeezed my hand and said, “You’ll be amazing and those kids will be safe with you guiding them.” That made me smile.
“What about you?”
“I have a deal with Ben if I go to college and get my business degree, I will be part owner of the shop.”