by Red Phoenix
I immediately pour us another, impressed that he’s game for the challenge. “You know, you have no possibility of winning, but I admire your resolve.”
“Just hand me the pickle jar,” Thane insists, fishing out another one and chewing on it thoughtfully as he looks at me. Out of the blue, he states, “International Women’s Day is coming up.”
A cold chill runs through my veins at the mention of the holiday. “So?” I try to hide the dark memories he’s just stirred up with his statement.
“I’m wondering what your plans are for the day.”
My heart suddenly hurts like a mother fucker as I relive that moment when I dropped the yellow flowers in my hand after seeing my beautiful Tatianna’s lifeless body.
“I survive the day, comrade. I do not plan for it,” I snarl resentfully.
“I was thinking…” Thane starts, pouring us each another drink. “…maybe we should visit a church and offer up a prayer for Tatianna on that day.”
“What?” I roar, furious at Thane for making such a presumptuous suggestion about something so personal. “You don’t even believe in God, mudak!”
He hands my glass to me. “There’s no reason to get belligerent. I know your faith is important to you, and I’m offering to join you as a friend.”
“Do not force yourself on me,” I warn him, full of unbridled hostility.
As if he hasn’t heard me, Thane clinks his glass against mine before sucking down the vodka shot, slamming the glass on the desk when he is done.
“You are hurting, Anton. I can see it as clear as day, and I’m not the type of person to ignore it, no matter how hard you push me away.”
I snort in anger as I down my own glass, shaking my head violently when the image of Tatianna’s white, blood-drained face flashes in my mind—those beautiful eyes staring lifelessly ahead…
“I’m tired of surviving,” I unwillingly confess, the liquor breaking down my emotional walls.
No wonder he insistented on taking me up on my offer to drink…
I look at Thane with new understanding. I’d momentarily forgotten how smart he is and I realize now that I’m in trouble.
“Each day you survive leads you to your new future, my friend,” he insists.
“I no longer can bear it,” I growl at him, unwanted tears forming in my eyes. “Everything I knew myself to be has been stripped away…” I turn from him. “I am no longer a man.”
“You are wrong!” he insists. “You’re still the same man you were before this happened.”
“Nyet,” I tell him, shaking my head sadly. “I grew up believing I was strong and able to conquer the world. But now I understand my truth.” I feel nauseated when I admit the ugly reality of my situation. “I am, and will forever be, a whipping boy.”
Thane reacts as if he’s suffered a physical punch to his gut. “That is not true!”
“It is the truth,” I reply with deadly calm.
He grabs me by the shoulders, his eyes flashing defiantly. “We determine our truth. No one else—not the world, not our circumstances, and definitely not those around us. We are in control.”
“Are we?” I ask, already certain of the answer.
Thane snarls angrily. “I have lived my life holding onto that truth because, if I am wrong…” He pauses, shaking his head. “…if I am wrong, then there would be no point in continuing on.”
“Exactly.”
I see the horror in his eyes when he realizes that’s how I truly feel.
“Suicide is not an option. It is never an option,” he yells.
I shrug, unaffected by his anger. “Maybe for some it is.”
My words seem to open a floodgate of intense emotions for Thane, and he glares at me with a deep-seated rage I haven’t seen before. “You cannot let your mind go there.”
I look him straight in the eye. “It already has. Multiple times. Do you not think I wanted to die when I found Tatianna drenched in her own blood? The only thing that has kept me here is my mother. I could not bear to cause her that kind of pain.”
“Then why would you consider doing it now?” he demands.
Knowing my answer will hurt him, I answer anyway. “When people find out I was assaulted by a woman, I will become the laughing stock amongst my kin and a source of embarrassment for my mother.”
“No one has to find out,” Thane insists.
I chuckle sadly. “The truth will always find the light, no matter how fiercely we guard it.”
I watch Thane close his eyes. By the expression on his face, I suspect he is reliving the death of his father and my heart grieves with him.
When he opens his eyes again, however, they are filled with anger. “It is cruel to place that heavy burden on others.”
I’m unapologetically blunt with him and ask, “What about your own father?”
That loaded question unleashes the dark demons raging inside him. Tears of fury stream down his face as he shouts, “I hate my father for what he did!”
Thane turns away from me, trying to keep his emotions in check. But, once freed, they cannot be contained.
I’m moved by the open anger that flows from him because I share similar feelings.
Reaching out, I wrap my muscular arm around him in support. “There, you have finally said it. I was wondering how long it would take.”
He looks at me accusingly, embarrassed that he’s voiced his hatred toward his father out loud.
However, I understand.
“Your father killed himself in front of you. How could you not be angry with him?”
He shrugs off my arm, not wanting my sympathy. I respect that and am not offended.
Walking to the window, needing to distance himself from me, Thane admits, “All this time, I have run from the fact that he committed suicide.” Turning to face me, he asks, “Do you know why?”
“Because he was weak?”
It’s an honest answer, but I can tell I’ve upset him. Watching him struggle to rein in his emotions, I fully expect he’s about to let out his fury all over my sorry ass.
Instead, he shakes his head and confesses his truth. “I live every day afraid that I will make that same choice.”
Thane’s answer utterly shocks me. “You are the strongest man I know.”
His intense gaze makes my heart stop for a moment. “I’ve thought a lot about it. If we are simply products of our parents and circumstance, like you insist, then I have one of two paths ahead of me. I will either become a monster, or I will die by my own hands.”
I stare back at Thane, speechless—his chilling pronouncement hovering in the air around us.
Growling, he adds, “I refuse to believe that. I choose a different path, but I have to fight to stay on it every damn…fucking…day.”
I let out a long, heavy sigh, nodding in understanding.
“Therefore, you must choose a different path as my friend—despite what happened to Tatianna, and despite what happened here. I guarantee it will be a difficult fight, but I will be alongside you every step of the way.”
I swallow hard, not wanting to face such an impossible future. “I don’t know…”
“You must.”
I shake my head, looking down at my wrists. “When Tatianna committed suicide, I felt as if my life was over. I had no idea it could get worse.”
Thane walks over to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “If I could take your pain, I would.”
I look up at him and see the sincerity in his eyes. “I would never wish it on you, but I appreciate the heart behind your offer.”
“So, you vow to fight?” he insists.
As much as I want to join my Tatianna, his conviction has awakened something fierce inside me. Because others have failed me in the past, I demand a show of loyalty from him.
“I will, comrade. If you perform the blood bond with me.”
Without hesitation, he asks, “What does it entail?”
“It is a vow of brotherhood. We will promise ou
r fidelity, protection, and comradeship to each other.”
I see the spark of understanding in Thane’s eye.
We both need this.
“If I agree, you vow not to leave this world until your appointed time?”
“Da,” I answer with confidence. “I give you my solemn vow not to rush my appointment with Death.” I shrug afterward, grinning. “Unless, of course, the shit really hits the fan.”
“You’ve had enough shit to last a lifetime,” he replies, slapping me on the back encouragingly. “I predict it’ll be smooth sailing from here on out.”
“I hope you are right,” I chuckle sadly in answer, knowing it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge at this point.
Walking over to my large chest on the floor, I unlock it and lift the lid slowly, pulling out my beloved blade, which I’ve nicknamed Retribution.
Turning toward Thane, I hold it up for him to admire. “This will do.”
He raises an eyebrow as he studies the sizeable knife.
“However, we cannot perform the ritual here,” I inform him. “It must be done at a sacred place.”
Thane seems surprised. “Do you mean like a church?”
“Nyet, but similar in nature.”
Nodding, Thane answers, “Ah, then you must mean the ocean.”
“Da. That will do.”
Smiling at me, he says, “I know the perfect place. I’ve visited it many times since my father died.”
“Even better,” I reply wholeheartedly. “A place that has meaning for you is best.” My heart starts racing, knowing this is something we were destined to do. “Tomorrow night, then?”
“No, tonight.”
A grin spreads across my face. “I approve of your Russian-like tenacity.”
“What else do we need?” he asks, glancing at the blade I hold in my hand.
I tick off the items to him as I proudly hold up Retribution and admire it.
Tonight, he and I will become brothers.
Thane drives up the coast and parks on the side of a road next to the coastline. I grab my duffle bag and we head down a path that leads to a small beach surrounded by protruding rocks.
“First, we make fire,” I announce to him.
“Is that part of the ritual?”
“Nyet,” I grin.
Thane shrugs. “Fire it is, then.”
I dig a fire pit while Thane gathers driftwood. I take out the lighter I’ve brought and coax the flames to life. Together, we build it up one piece of wood at a time until we have an impressive blaze going.
I close my eyes and smile. “There is something holy about the sound of a crackling fire while the waves crash in the background.”
“I agree.”
We sit down in the sand and stare at the flames for a long time, neither of us saying anything.
In this moment, I am at complete peace.
It is a wondrous feeling.
“Have you done this before?” Thane asks me.
I look at him with a serious expression. “Of course not, comrade. It is an extremely rare thing to find a brother in this life.”
He nods, his voice catching slightly when he shares, “I never thought it was possible—to be honest.”
I smile. “And yet, here we are.”
“Indeed.’
“Do you have any reservations?”
He shakes his head. “Not at all.”
“Good. Neither do I.”
I unzip my duffle bag and lay out a white towel before placing my blade and a strip of cotton cloth on it.
When I am ready, I turn toward him and say in a solemn tone, “Thane Davis, I promise you my fidelity, protection, and comradeship.”
He returns my gaze, stating, “I am honored to call you my brother. I promise you, Anton Durov, my fidelity, protection, and comradeship.”
I nod my acceptance of his vow and pick up Retribution. “Tonight, you and I unite together with blood. This bond speaks to my undying loyalty to you and cannot be broken.”
Placing the point of the blade against my wrist, I puncture my skin as I drag it slowly across. I let out a low grunt of satisfaction as I watch the blood start to flow.
Handing the blade to Thane, I wait.
Thane gazes at the blade with a look of reverence. “Tonight we mix our blood as a symbol of our brotherhood. I vow to never leave your side.” He looks at my wrist, then finds the exact area on his before cutting into his skin.
I take Retribution from him, admiring the bloody blade before plunging it into the sand. Picking up the strip of white cotton, I press my wrist against his and wrap both tightly together, asking for his help to tie it.
I smile as our mingled blood soaks through the cloth.
Now only inches apart in this bound position, we are forced to stare into each other’s eyes. I see clearly how he is constantly swimming in an ocean of pain connected to his past, and I suspect he can see the same reflected in my own eyes.
But, I feel differently now that I have someone fully invested in my life—a person who knows my dark secrets and is not afraid to confront them with me.
The love and respect I have for Thane is boundless. Putting my free hand on his shoulder, I grin. “Welcome to my world, brother.”
Placing his unbound hand on my opposite shoulder, he smiles. “Together, you and I will be unstoppable.”
“Da…”
For the first time since that horrible night, I experience a sense of real hope.
But I Love You
As Thane and I sit down at the cafeteria for a quick lunch, I complain. “Comrade, the woman will not leave me alone!” I spit angrily, tired of Samantha’s unending attempts to speak with me.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her.” He sighs in exasperation. “I’ve told her repeatedly to avoid you at all costs.”
“She’s obsessed!” I snarl. “Even when I threaten her, she acts like a moth to the flame, heading toward the light and her own death.” I frown, adding, “She fails to understand that I do not make idle threats.”
The concern in Thane’s eyes intensifies. “I’ve warned her multiple times, but I will warn her again.”
“Something must be done now or I guarantee it will get ugly.”
Thane closes his eyes, the heavy weight of this burden ripping at his heart. I know he feels responsible for both of us, and that he is desperate to spare me further pain while still protecting Samantha’s life.
Some might question why I haven’t demanded Thane cut all ties with the woman, considering what she has done, but I have my reasons.
Samantha risked her life for Thane and helped to send his insane mother to jail. She remained true to Thane, even when she knew she would become a target.
I owe her for helping my brother.
She has also been working under his mentorship for months, learning the fundamentals of being a Dominant. Being an honorable man, Thane carries the shame and guilt of her actions that night, and I know he feels he failed her in some way.
Thane must find redemption.
But the main reason I don’t want him cutting all contact with her is that I’ve come to understand Samantha on a deeper level. I know that behind that tough as nails exterior lies a little girl who feels unlovable and alone.
Her obsessive need to speak with me comes from a place of inner loathing and fear. A deep-seated fear of herself—and her own destructive nature.
I think she holds out hope that she can rejoin the pieces she shattered that night simply by sheer will. She has yet to accept that her actions killed any feelings I had for her.
Eventually reality will sink in and, when it does, she will not survive it without Thane by her side.
I told Thane that even though I want to wrap my hands around her skinny throat, I don’t want her dead. While I can never forgive Samantha for what she has done, I don’t want to live in a world where she no longer exists.
There has been enough sorrow in my life that I don’t want to be
ar responsibility for her death as well. So, I have encouraged Thane to continue his friendship with her. If anyone can make a difference to that fucked-up bitch, I believe he can.
“What do you suggest, comrade?”
Thane looks at me as if he already knows my answer but makes the suggestion anyway. “Would you be willing to get a restraining order against her?”
I snort in disgust. “The police cannot be involved, you know that. Besides, it wouldn’t stop her any more than it did your mother.”
He sighs in resignation, hesitating for a moment before asking, “What if we had a controlled meeting? One where you hold all the cards? You decide when, where, and what is discussed.”
“What would be the point of putting myself through that?” I growl.
“You will be able to rid her of any notion that forgiveness is an option.”
I shake my head in disgust. “How do I know she will listen any better than she did that night?”
“For one, she’ll be completely sober. And I will be there to witness the conversation so I can remind her of what you said should she ever question it in the future.”
“Do you really think it will make a difference?” I ask him, still doubtful.
“If it doesn’t, I’ll insist she attend another college. Your sanity should not be put in jeopardy because of Samantha. This at least gives her a chance to stay if she is sincere in her remorse.”
I state gravely, “Do you know what will happen if she is forced out?”
Thane nods, a pained look on his face.
We both know she won’t survive it.
“But, again, she will have made that choice,” he answers sadly.
“Very well. I will meet with her to end this once and for all.”
Not a man to procrastinate, I set the meeting for the next day. I don’t want to spend another minute of my life thinking about her.
To say I feel anxious as the hour of our meeting approaches is an understatement. I am highly agitated by the prospect of facing Samantha again and must calm my ravaged soul by thinking of my mother.
I will not be able to return to Russia if I lose control now and go into berserker mode around Samantha.
To compose myself, I slug a couple of shots of vodka just before the designated time.