by Sands, Samie
Twelve
Over the next couple of days, we welcome more people into our fold making it impossible for me to get any time alone with Katie. While out trying to secure the prison a little better, I found a group of teenage boys. Rhys, Jordan, and a few others whose names I can barely remember, and they were struggling. The signs of dehydration and lack of sustenance were apparent, so of course, I invited them in despite the fact that we don’t actually have a lot of space for them.
My humanity might have left me once before, but it won’t happen again.
So, in between trying to fit them all in, keep the prison as safe as possible, and dividing up labor in the fairest way, I haven’t had even a second for the woman I’m falling for. She’s on my mind all the time, all I really want to do is see her, but somehow all these responsibilities have been shoved on my shoulders and they must come first.
“So, Rhys and the others are out boarding up the windows,” Rachael tells me with a smile. She’s taken it upon herself to become my second-in-command which I’m absolutely fine with. She might be young but she’s got nerves of steel. She also has this way of making people do what she wants to without any hassle. It’s admirable, really. “What’s next on the agenda?”
I roll my eyes and rub my forehead, trying to ward off the headache that’s threatening to burst free. I was good at being a cop, but I didn’t ever yearn for more. I didn’t want to be a part of the admin and delegation side. Yet here I am, doing all that I didn’t want.
“What’s everyone else doing?”
By this, I mean ‘what’s Ryan doing?’ but I’m too afraid of the answer to ask outright. I already know where he’ll be, glued to Katie’s side, probably winning her around. If he has the answers to all the struggles that she’s been going through since everything went wrong at the specialist medical facility then he’s already got something over me, and that might well be enough to win her over.
“I’m not sure about everyone. I can find out if you like, let you know?”
I nod gratefully and let my head fall into my hands for just a moment. With every second that passes by, rescue seems less and less likely. This is something I’ve considered before, but now I need to really think about it. I need to work out a real way to live in this new environment.
If our group keeps getting bigger, the prison isn’t going to cut it. It just doesn’t have the room. But then, I can’t exactly send people away, can I? Judging by the increasing number of shambling flesh-eating monsters outside, if I do then I’m sentencing them to death. There’s no way I can live with that.
But where else can we go?
I grab my list of scribbled ideas, trying to work out if any of them are appropriate, but I’m just not sure. I don’t want to make the call and end up losing lots of people along the way. I don’t want to be responsible for endless deaths.
It’s hard for my brain to focus on such a life-changing operation when really my brain wants to think about something or more someone else. I can’t get Katie out of my brain and it’s killing me. Maybe I should just go and see her, even if Ryan’s there, what’s stopping me? There’s no reason I can’t go...
With a surge of determination, I stalk towards her cell. I won’t cause any trouble, I don’t need to act out or anything. I can just casually stop by and say hello. There isn’t anything confrontational about that, is there? And if it ends up getting nasty, well that’ll be Ryan’s fault, not mine.
“Oh...” I mutter to myself as I arrive to find her cell empty.
That throws me a little. It’s very rare for her to be out since I don’t think she’s totally let go of the notion that she’s going to be infected and die, even though I’ve told her that she’s fine a million times. Maybe if Ryan can at least convince her that she’s okay then it won’t all be for nothing. Him being here won’t be the worst thing in the world.
What’s that?
All of a sudden, something catches my eye. A white piece of paper, discarded on the floor, filled with what appears to be Katie’s handwriting.
Thirteen
As I step closer to the page, I have the horrible feeling that this is going to be a goodbye note from Katie. I fear that she might be done with the prison and me, and the presence of Ryan has made her want to run away. She won’t survive out there, she isn’t strong enough yet. I don’t think Ryan’s man enough to take care of her either. He isn’t like me, he isn’t capable. He won’t be able to keep her alive.
I squeeze my fist tight, hating that idiot even more now. He’s taken away the woman that I want and he’s going to get her killed in the process. I just hope this note gives me a clue to where they are so I can hunt him down and kill him first. Asshole.
But instead of a goodbye note, it’s something very unexpected:
I’ve never written down my feelings before, I guess I’ve always been too busy; studying and working. That's why my life was the way it was, all career. That's why I missed out on so many opportunities.
Like Ryan.
It takes all I have not to scream out with frustration as I read those words. Ryan isn’t an opportunity, he’s a useless asshole. Jealousy coils through my system like a nasty, bitter snake.
What is this anyway? Like a diary, or something? I haven’t ever seen her writing things down before.
But now everything is messed up and I'm so confused. I need to write it down to get some clarity, to work out what to do.
Everything that’s happened after I left the specialist medical facility is a bit of a blur. In my stress-addled mind, when I thought I was infected, I imagined this blossoming romance happening. I thought it was all in my mind, just a way to cope with what was happening, but as it turns out I’m not bit, I’m fine, and all of it, or at least some of it, was real.
It's disconcerting, to say the least.
Woah...that’s an insight into Katie’s brain that I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. I feel bad, this is obviously personal and not meant for my eyes, but now that I’ve started I just can’t stop reading. I need to know how this all plays out.
Oliver is amazing! His smile is so warm and caring, and when I'm with him I feel safe. He told me once that he loves me, and while it might’ve been one of those things that he said in the heat of the moment, I think I might well love him too.
Things between us could be perfect.
But, now Ryan’s here to mess with my head again. I’d just gotten used to the idea that he was dead. I knew the hospital had lost control and everyone was infected, I knew he was gone. Until he was there in front of me...changing my perception of everything.
Oliver lost Enrico on this mission. He lost his best friend to save Ryan. What if that means something?
Without even meaning to, I crumple up the note between my fingers. I do not want to think that I lost a good man and a great cop for him.
Ryan is here now. A bit battered and disheveled, but basically the same Ryan I've known and loved from afar for so long.
The only problem is, I’ve changed. I’m a shell of my former self really. I’m happy with Oliver, but I’m still not totally me. The fire and determination I once had, is gone. I still feel to blame for so much going wrong. That blame rests heavily on me and weighs me down.
A sickness swirls in my stomach, this is almost too much to handle. I knew that she was suffering but I didn’t know how much.
Oliver has been so busy the last couple of days, and I’ve been with Ryan. Talking, reminiscing, laughing. I'm almost feeling a bit like myself again.
And now I don't know how I feel or what to do! Melanie, Ryan’s girlfriend, is dead or at least infected somewhere milling about. The night after I met her, she got attacked in her own home. Ryan doesn't know the details, he just found her the next day, pussing, bloody and rife with the AM13 virus. She’s out of the picture, that’s the main thing.
Yesterday he told me all of this has made me realize how much he wants to be with me. I've wanted to hear those words for so long, it's d
ifficult to ignore that. But would he want me if Melanie was still alive? Has his chance been and gone? Would I really be happier with him than I am with Oliver? Am I just confused because I like him for so long?
Ryan or Oliver?
Oliver or Ryan?
Does it even matter? Are we all just going to die anyway?
Holy shit. This is too much. Ryan has her confused, his presence is almost overwhelming. But that doesn’t mean I have to give up. I’ve never been one to lie down and just take things.
I need to fight for Katie. I need to make her mine.
Fourteen
This...is hell.
It’s getting ridiculous now. There are just too many people here. The space isn’t designed enough for it. Because of the cramped and stressful conditions, tensions are high and no one’s in a good mood. Petty arguments have started taking up most of my day which is unbearable.
“He’s eating more than his rations,” one of the younger guys, Rhys if I remember rightly yells out. The accusation rolls violently off his tongue. “It isn’t fair.”
“I’ve had the same amount as everyone else...”
“Just stop it,” I tell them both wearily. “We cannot keep fighting among ourselves.”
Rhys’ eyes flash with anger. “Then what are you gonna do about it? We can’t all stay here, there’s no room, and we can’t all survive on the food left over. We need more.”
We need...I’m very aware of what everyone needs, I just wish they’d stop looking at me to provide it. I don’t have all the answers, this isn’t a position I wanted to find myself in. I’m trying my best, but no one can appreciate that because they all want some miracle solution.
I rest my hands on Rhys’ shoulders and stare deeply into his eyes. I want him to see just how serious I am when I say this. “I am trying to sort it. I’m doing what I can.”
He freezes up, there’s a tension in his spine while he refuses to break eye contact, but as I pull away a snarky comment flies past his lips. “Then maybe you should let someone else take control.”
My fists ball up by my sides and I grit my teeth to stop the anger bubbling in my stomach from erupting like a volcano. Teenagers know nothing about the world., they’re barely just staring out. Their false confidence comes from never really having to survive much hardship...well, some of them anyway. I can’t let this get to me, I need to keep my cool head on.
“I...” I start to talk, but then I realize there isn’t anything I want to say, so I turn on my heels and I stalk from the room, refusing to glance at anyone.
My brain spins as I go, I can feel my thoughts dancing and darting in my brain, shooting off on wild tangents as I attempt to come up with any solution, none of which seem right. I mean, if there was a government plan then we would know about it already, if there was somewhere else to go with a decent amount of supplies then surely someone would’ve found it, I can’t in all good conscience kick people out either...for now, we’re stuck here.
Then I see a sight that makes my blood run cold. Katie and Ryan, standing and talking to one another as if they don’t have a care in the world. One of his arms is casually slung over her shoulder as he stakes a claim on her, and judging by the pinkness tinging her cheeks, she really doesn’t mind.
I’m losing her, she’s slipping through my fingers faster than grains of sand and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I want to fight for her, I need her to be mine, but how can I make that happen when everyone else is relying on me? I don’t have the time to show her that I care, I don’t have the energy to make her see that I truly do love her and I can make her happy given half the chance. Ryan’s got all the time in the world, and it seems he’s using that to his advantage.
I need to work this out, I can’t keep avoiding what’s right in front of me, something...no, everything is about to implode and I would rather that not happen or we could all end up very dead.
Fifteen
“People have gone.” Rachael wakes me up in a state of panic. “Rhys, Jordan, some of the others. They’ve gone. They’ve taken supplies and gone.”
“Huh? What?” This is a bit much to be dragged from my sleep about! I was dreaming about Katie then, she was back in my arms, and it’s a harsh reality to be woken up alone. “What’s going on?”
I prize my eyes open to see a very stressed young girl standing in front of me, raking her fingers through her hair. Rachael is a teenager, she should be in school. This whole reality really isn’t fair on her. For a brief second, I want to hold her and tell her that it’ll all be okay, but I don’t. I can’t. Not only would that be very inappropriate, no matter what the state of the world, I also can’t guarantee anything. It really seems like everything is only getting worse.
“It’s...that group, those teenager boys you brought here not so long ago. They’ve gone.”
Maybe fewer mouths should be a relief, but I don’t feel that at all, instead, my blood runs icy cold and my head falls into my hands in dismay. I let out a groan that can only mean one thing. I’ve failed. I wanted to make this a safe place for everyone, I wanted to ensure that everyone would survive this, even if I didn’t want the position of authority, I didn’t want to make mistakes.
I’d say that people preferring to take their chances on the streets with the infected is a huge mishap on my part! Even if they are teenage boys think they who know it all.
“Did anyone see them go? Does anyone know where they are?”
“Erm, yeah.” Rachael shifts awkwardly. “Ryan did. He’s the one who told me.”
Why couldn’t Ryan go? I thought nastily to myself before I caught myself at the last minute. That wasn’t a helpful thought at all. No, focus on the boys instead.
“Right, I see.” I swallow down the thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat. “So, now I suppose I need to decide what to do about it.” I press my palms into my eyes, trying to block all of this out for just a moment. “I guess I should probably go out looking for them”
“No!” Rachael jumps in sharply. “What do you mean? You can’t go anywhere! We need you here. Those boys left knowing the risks out there. You shouldn’t harm yourself for them.”
“Trust me, I agree with you,” I reply wryly. “But us humans need to stick together, don’t we? It’s us against them. Plus, I want to keep everyone else here motivated, so I need to show effort to search for them. And they took supplies?” She nods. “So, I need to replace them.”
It won’t be an unnecessary trip, even if it feels that way at the moment, chasing after some idiots who want to risk getting themselves killed, but I do have to do this. If anything good can come from it, then I should go anyway. I keep thinking that we need to move on anyway, so this might be a time to sort it out.
“Shall I come with you?” Rachael asks desperately. “Or someone else, maybe?”
I think about Enrico, as I do often, and I immediately shake my head. I’m making this decision if there are any consequences it should be me who suffers them. “No, I go alone.”
I send Rachael away and pump myself up as I get dressed. I need a break from this stifling nightmare anyway. The situation with Katie isn’t going to improve anytime soon, I don’t know if it can with Ryan here, turning her head at every opportunity, so I might as well channel my energy into something else.
As I leave the building, I consider saying goodbye to everyone, to let them know what I’m up to, but I force myself not to bother. There will only be one person whose reaction I’m after anyway and since she doesn’t seem to care there isn’t any point.
No, get in then get out. That’s a much better plan.
Only...it doesn’t feel like a good plan. If I’m honest, everything feels a bit off today. Either my instincts are going crazy, which hasn’t ever happened before, because of all of this or there really is something to worry about. I certainly keep a firm grip on my gun as I move at any rate!
I walk my way around the building from the safe area out the back, mentally t
rying to work out which way these idiot guys would’ve gone in, but my inner danger alarm is whirring too loudly for me to think straight. I need to turn it off...
“Holy mother of...”
All of a sudden, it becomes very clear why I’m freaked out. There are infected everywhere. None of us are escaping ever.
Sixteen
I glance forwards, then back behind me again, my heart racing rapidly. My thoughts dart carelessly around as I try to work out what my next move should be. I can’t go back, not with this news and no solution to offer. Panic is the last thing we need right now! But I can’t go forward either. Not with them everywhere.
The undead beasts shuffle like their limbs refuse to move properly, they growl like their vocal chords are strangled, they move aimlessly, just waiting for their next meal to accidentally stumble across their path...it’s a horrible sight, and one that I don’t think I’ll ever be used to. Especially as these ones look even worse than any I’ve come across before. Some of them have body parts literally hanging from them, stuck by a mere thread of flesh. Others are leaving a trail of blackened blood behind them. None of them look like they should still be up and walking around, it’s a scene from a horror movie and I’m stuck right in the middle of it.
“What do I do?” I whisper to myself, trying to keep out of sight. I don’t think I’m in smelling distance at the moment, luckily, and I don’t want them to spy me either. I’m not exactly filled with desire to run headfirst into the crowd, to feel that agonizing sensation of flesh being ripped from my skin until there’s nothing left. I know it’s heroic to race into the pack to save everyone else, but I don’t think that’s the necessary move here. I need to do something else.
I try and scout the area as far away as I can to see if maybe the teenage boys escaped. I suppose there’s a chance that them running away drew the crowds here and maybe at least some of them are shuffling along with the rest of the mindless drones, but maybe they didn’t.