Modern Flirtations: A Novel

by Catherine Sinclair

  CHAPTER XXI.

  Captain De Crespigny continued to visit at St. John's Lodge almostdaily, having now adopted a quite-at-home style, dropping in at allhours of the morning or evening, partly in the character of a cousin,partly as a convivial friend of Sir Patrick's, and solely, in theestimation of Agnes, as her devoted admirer; but not one of themotives which ostensibly brought him there was the real one. He keptup long, animated, horse-and-dog conversations with Sir Patrick, andlove-and-nonsense conversations with Agnes; but his whole thoughts andattention were secretly devoted to Marion, to so engrossing an extent,that he became astonished even at himself. She was always exceedinglybusy about something when he called--more frequently out of the roomthan in it, while he staid, and so constantly sat down to write lettersor notes while he talked to Sir Patrick, that one day, in a tone ofpique, he said, writing at such a rate, she would soon be severalvolumes a-head of Sir Walter Scott; but still Marion continued as muchpre-occupied in his presence, and as good-humoredly indifferent asbefore. She treated him, as the friend of Sir Patrick, almost like abrother, and was not in the slightest degree agitated, when he flew,with fascinating _empressement_, to light the taper for her, to openthe door, or to pay any of the ten thousand little attentions withwhich he was accustomed to dazzle and delight the hundred and one otheryoung ladies among whom he had hitherto divided himself. It wasabsolutely insufferable to see her so perfectly self-possessed andconversible, without a thought of being admired, always ready with areply when he spoke to her, and amused with his jests, but notsufficiently interested by his presence, to attempt being eitherattractive or repulsive. Seeing him approach the table one day severaltimes while she was writing, Marion said at last,

  "Is there anything here I can give you? anything you want?"

  "Yes!" said Captain De Crespigny, in a low, agitated voice. "I do wantmore than I dare ask; more than I shall perhaps ever obtain."

  Marion at these words glanced with astonishment towards Agnes, andprivately thought her sister's lover must require very greatencouragement indeed, if he were not satisfied with all he got; butunwilling to interfere in any differences that might have arisenbetween them, she calmly resumed her employment, unconscious that theeyes of Captain De Crespigny were fixed upon her with a look ofdisappointment and pique, because she had not so much as favored himwith a conscious blush.

  Nothing surprised and amused the young mind of Marion half so much, asthe light raillery and gay persiflage, which continually passed betweenher brother and Captain De Crespigny, whose conversation was enlivenedwith sallies of good-humored malice against each other, and livelysatire, which sometimes approached the verge, and often even passed theverge of civility, while each seemed to have conferred on his friendthe royal privilege of saying or doing no wrong, so that the pointedarrows they levelled at each other became feathers before they reachedtheir aim.

  "I must give the Abbey people a ball!" exclaimed Sir Patrick one day,after whistling for some time with his back to the fire. "The Childrenof the Abbey, as we gentlemen in difficulties are called! A dance ofruined people! What a capital hit!"

  "Like Holbein's dance of death!" observed Marion. "Our creditors wouldall come, I suppose, and take out a dividend in cakes and ices! Youare, of course, not serious, Patrick!"

  "Why not? You are always ready with an opinion, like a lawyer expectinga fee; but remember, Marion, the attorney waits at least till he isasked! I am as serious now as I ever am about anything. Let me make theneighbors and the neighborhood expire with envy and admiration! Youknow the last kick of a dying horse is always the strongest. Agnes,fetch your visiting book, and we shall get up a splendid impromptu, tobe paid for with my surplus income! Ah! here comes De Crespigny, as healways does, at the very moment we were wishing for him."

  "Because there is never a moment, I suppose, that you are not wishingfor me!" replied he, fixing his expostulating eye on Sir Patrick. "Iowe myself to society, and make a duty of paying visits from purebenevolence, because in every house I find people perfectly dying formy arrival. If I had three hands to shake, I would divide them equallyamongst you; but I have only one to offer," added Captain De Crespigny,with lively emphasis, as he extended his to Agnes, who stood nearesthim.

  "You belong, I believe, to the Modest Assurance Company," said she,with a blush and a smile. "But after this little outbreak of vanity, wereally do want your advice."

  "That is a thing I never either give or take. The word should bedrummed out of the English language."

  "Then," added Sir Patrick, "pray lend us your opinion."

  "No, Dunbar! I lend you nothing! Remember our agreement. Can't affordbad debts! Better give you half-a-crown than lend you a shilling."

  "De Crespigny, your wit is as sharp to-day as that American scythe, theshadow of which cut a man's leg off! I owe you one for the last hit!"

  "Ten to one you never pay me! I have serious thoughts of taking roomsin the sanctuary myself soon, because it displays beauties andattractions beyond any other part of the world. Positively, I see noplace like it, and no people like its inhabitants."

  Sir Patrick's hearty laugh rang through the room, while Agnes smiledwith conscious triumph; and Marion, who had been for several minutesplanning an escape to the Granvilles, thought this a favorableopportunity to steal off unobserved, and had safely reached the door,when Sir Patrick hastily summoned her back.

  "Marion! where are you shying off to so hastily? Are you under a vow ofsolitude? There is no keeping you in the room for a minute now."

  "Never mind me!" said Captain De Crespigny, assuming a tone ofgood-humored conceit, to disguise a great deal of real pique. "I am notso bad as I look."

  "No!" replied Agnes, laughing. "That is exactly what the keeper at theZoological Gardens says of the ourang outang!"

  "Don't be put out of countenance by her, De Crespigny! you'll do," saidSir Patrick. "I've seen worse looking people in the world! I knew agentleman once, much plainer than you are, who got on very well!"

  "Sir Patrick Dunbar, for instance, or some other, with no pretensionswhatever! Really, old fellow! I am much the best looking of the two, ifpeople would only think so. It is astonishing the sort of men who passthemselves off upon the world for being handsome--quite an imposition."

  "Quite!" replied Sir Patrick, and the two gentlemen laughingly glancedat each other. "I am quite obliged to you for that remark; but as I seethe watch of your wit is wound up for a reply, pray let it strike."

  "No, I am not revengeful! As somebody said to somebody, some day whenthey were talking about something, I have 'a soul above buttons.' Butpositively," continued Captain De Crespigny, gazing around, as if hehad made a sudden discovery, and letting his eye rest upon Marion, "todo ourselves justice, Dunbar, we in this room are a remarkably goodlooking party."

  "To be sure we are! You never said a truer thing!" replied Sir Patrick."So obvious, indeed, that it was scarcely worth remarking. I rememberthe time, De Crespigny, when you used to copy me--to imitate theinimitable; and positively, with such tolerable success, that I verynearly bowed to myself one day for you."

  "Well, Patrick!" said Agnes, "I do think you are like nobody else, andlike nothing human I ever saw; and yet I have a great turn for findingout resemblances. How very like Wednesdays are to Thursdays!"

  "Astonishingly so!" replied Captain De Crespigny, adding, with one ofhis most indescribable looks, "but I see not the slightest resemblancebetween your sister and you."

  Agnes smiled one of her brightest smiles at what must, she thought, beintended most unquestionably as a compliment; but though the differenceappeared obvious enough, the superiority, judging from the directionand the expression of Captain De Crespigny's eyes, was not by any meansso decided a point as Agnes seemed willing to believe.

  "De Crespigny!" said Sir Patrick, with one of his most satirical looks."Do you really now, in serious earnest, call yourself dressed? It isvery well as a joke; but you are surely not got up in that style forthe day? In the name of all that is h
ideous, who is your tailor, that Imay avoid him? Does he call that thing you wear a coat?"

  "No!"

  "Then, pray, what does he call it?"

  "A surtout! and such a one as you never had since you wore a cap andcockade! It is a real original Dodds! I could bet the amount of yourbill, whatever that may be, probably with several years' interest--afew hundreds--that you will never be half so well fitted. If you want acoat--a real undeniable, irreproachable coat, fit for a gentleman to beseen in--employ my tailor in St. James' street; he will make a man ofyou!"

  "From a certain cut of tigerism in the collar, I guessed he lived inCheapside or the Strand! Never employ him again! I would not allow himto dress me if he offered to do it for nothing! Have more regard foryourself, De Crespigny, and never be betrayed into trusting him again.He is totally incapable of his business! You might as well expect aWhig Ministry to form a tolerable Administration. The thing is not uponthe cards!"

  "Pray, attend now to my cards!" interrupted Agnes. "If you are got uponpolitics, there will be no slipping in a word edgewise about my ball;and the joy of planning it quite turns my head."

  "You turn every other head, so it is but fair that your own shouldshare the same fate!" observed Captain De Crespigny, with a light andcareless laugh; but what he said was neither lightly nor carelesslyreceived by Agnes; for the color rushed in vivid brilliancy to hercheek, while she bent her head to conceal a smile of pleasure; yet whenMarion looked up suddenly from her drawing, the eyes of Captain DeCrespigny were again fixed on herself, as he added, "I wish those Iadmire the most had a few imperfections to make them human."

  "I should not think any one thoroughly liked me who saw them," observedAgnes, in a tone of gratified vanity. "And now for business, Pat! Hereis a correct list of our acquaintances!"

  "But I want an incorrect one!" replied Sir Patrick, jocularly seizingthe catalogue of names. "I hate anything correct! Let me see! Here aresome tolerable people enough! This is not a bad world, after all, ifone could pick out those who are ornamental, and pass an act ofextermination upon all who are objectionable in manner, appearance,circumstances, or disposition. In such a case, it might really becomefit for a gentleman to live in!"

  Agnes' visiting-book was now carefully revised, while the party seemedto think they had met only to pass sentence on all their acquaintances.No subject appeared so exhaustless as the faults and follies of theirparticular friends; their poverty, wealth, avarice, or extravagance;while the liveliness of their conversation, instead of emanating, likethat of the Granvilles, from the gay fancies and spontaneous sparklingsof their own minds, was almost entirely derived from the follies andpersonal defects of others; and Marion could not but remember with asmile the country clergyman, who said once from the pulpit, that"people should never speak ill of their neighbors,--except among a fewfriends!"

  "Let us invite only the tolerable-looking girls in each family, and nochaperons with turbans and large caps to overshadow the room," saidCaptain De Crespigny, drawing a broad dash of his pen through the nameof Lady Towercliffe. "Her large, featureless face, looks like a waxdoll which had been put before the fire till it melted; and she is asdull as a dormouse."

  "We did enough for her in going to that heavy turn-out of a ball,"added Sir Patrick. "I very nearly 'struck work,' on finding myselfexpected to dance with one of those plain, elderly daughters. LadyCharlotte is quite a _laide ideal_."

  "I was pressed into the service, too!" continued Captain De Crespigny,in an injured tone, "and did not recover the annoyance till--till mylast quadrille!" added he, glancing expressively at Marion. "If onemust dance with plain girls at their own parties, I wish they wouldwear veils."

  "Poor Lady Charlotte's figure is a perfect pyramid, narrow at theshoulders, and becoming thicker to the ankles," observed Agnes,laughing. "She got no partner the first half of the night, but beingvery fond of dancing, she stood near the corner of every dance, and wasturned sometimes by mistake!"

  "Very good for an impromptu, Agnes! The old girl gets a partner oncea-year, I believe," added Sir Patrick. "If people will not be beauties,I can't help it; but I wonder at any one who had such a foot as LadyCharlotte's, would wish to live. It is so enormous that the eye cannottake it in all at once! The gout is nothing in comparison! DeCrespigny, if you are ever shipwrecked at sea, you could desire nobetter boat than one of her shoes, and a paddle!"

  "Her hand, too!" exclaimed Captain De Crespigny, shrugging hisshoulders, and admiring his nails. "Mine is ashamed to look soinsignificant beside it! Positively I awoke one forenoon, after my handhad been stung by a wasp, and seeing something so large, red, andswelled, I never recognized my own, but seized hold of it in the mostfriendly manner, saying, 'Ah, Lady Charlotte Malcolm!----'"

  "I have heard," observed Marion, "that the celebrated Hogarth oftenlamented how completely his sense of the ridiculous had destroyed hissense of the beautiful; so that even in the face of an angel he couldnot avoid observing something to caricature; and I think some of us, ifwe do not take care, will soon be in danger of a similar calamity."

  "Well!" exclaimed Sir Patrick, eagerly, "Let me enjoy a jest to-day,even if I were to die for it to-morrow."

  "You, gentlemen, are both too bad!" said Agnes, lazily extending herown beautiful foot on a footstool. "Charlotte Malcolm has already awhole tier of double chins; her throat must have once belonged to aflamingo, and her complexion is like the models we see from abroad interra cotta; but then, to do her justice, she dresses to perfectdesperation; and," added Agnes, in her most amiable voice, for shealways assumed the affectation of extreme candor in discussing otheryoung ladies, "I am told Charlotte is very good tempered; at least soLady Towercliffe says."

  "And pray, what does that signify to me!" exclaimed Sir Patrick,contemptuously. "If there is nothing better to be said for your friend,then, Agnes, for ever hold your tongue. Amiable qualities are quite ata discount in general society! What does it matter to a man dancing aquadrille with any girl, that she is miraculously amiable, if she bemiraculously ugly too! She may be a perfect termagant at home, foranything I care, provided she bring plenty of small talk into theball-room; and I would not give a single sous to know whether hermilliner's bills be paid, provided only she is well dressed. I wouldnot take such a looking girl as Lady Charlotte Malcolm for my fifthwife!"

  "You have quite burned her in effigy, now," observed Marion, looking upfrom her work. "Suppose we start some person, for variety, whomeverybody must admire and praise!"

  "That should be yourself, then!" said Captain De Crespigny. "Who elsecould answer the description?"

  "I remember visiting at old Vivian's last summer, where the girls wereall terrifyingly plain; their faces, like the dairy-maid, and theirfigures like the churn," said Sir Patrick. "One day I could not resistasking their old governess, in confidence, what could be the reason whythe fourth daughter invariably took precedence of all the others, whenshe whispered in a confidential tone, 'because she once had aproposal.'"

  "If young ladies take precedence on such grounds," observed Captain DeCrespigny, with a glance towards Agnes and Marion, "I know who oughtsoon to leave all others behind! My cousins here have the game in theirown hands; four by honors and the odd trick."

  "Young ladies had much better gain precedence by accepting offers thanby refusing them!" said Sir Patrick, whistling himself off to thewindow. "She's daft to refuse the laird o' Cock-pen!"

  "I once saw a man who had been refused!" said Captain De Crespigny. "Heshould have kicked himself out of the world after such an adventure!From that day to this I have lived in a nervous horror of beingrejected! I am the most marrying man in the world, but I never canventure to make an offer. I do wonder how people set about it! Theauthor who published a complete letter-writer, should give us acomplete manual of proposals for all occasions! I am so horriblydiffident! Even coming into a room you have no idea how much I sufferfrom shyness!"

  "It is astonishing, then, what a good face you manage to put upon it,"said Marion, dry
ly. "I never guessed you were at all shy!"

  "No! nor that I am a lover out of place, in want of a situation! Wouldit be a good plan, Miss Marion Dunbar, to advertise? You, being pen inhand already, shall write the advertisement. Describe me as made ofevery creature's best! How would it do to make a raffle of me? Twentythousand tickets at one guinea each. How many will you take?"

  "I have no money to waste," replied Marion. "But perhaps some youngladies with more, if they could be quite sure of a blank, might ventureon one ticket, out of charity, hearing you are so anxious to go off."

  "I do wonder if anybody would take me," continued Captain De Crespigny,in a tone of careless conceit. "I have the greatest mind to try LadyCharlotte Malcolm! Do you think, Miss Dunbar, I might have any chance?"

  "Not the slightest!" replied Agnes, laughing. "I could bet my longestringlet that she would reject you at once. Charlotte complained to melong ago how forward gentlemen are--always proposing, on the slightestencouragement."

  "Remarkably true! I am positive that nine out of ten were refused lastwinter. We are a most unfortunate set of old fellows, Dunbar. Nobodyappreciates us. I had made myself a promise to go off this season!positively my last appearance. But," added Captain De Crespigny,dropping his voice into a low tone of apparent feeling, "the more I amdesirous to recommend myself, the less I succeed. If it were possiblefor either of you ladies ever to see me indifferent about pleasing,then you would be astonished at my success. Did Dunbar never mention,that in the company of those I do not care for, I am quite anotherman?"

  "No!" replied Agnes, blushing and smiling. "Patrick is aware that wealways judge of people's merits for ourselves."

  "What would I not give to hear that verdict pronounced! If you havetried me by a court-martial, you may at least let me know thesentence!"

  "It would do you good, De Crespigny, to hear those girls discussingyour demerits! Your vanity requires lowering a peg or two!" said SirPatrick, with a mischievous laugh. "You owe me countless thanks forputting in a word of defence now and then to protect you, forpositively they are too bad. On the score of conceit and extravagance,I undertake to be your champion. Such faults are like the spots uponermine, rather ornamental than otherwise; but if any one says you dressill, I have not a syllable to say. Let me advise you, as a friend, todiscard that tailor. He is atrocious. It would be the utmost stretch ofmy friendship to be seen with you anywhere to-day, except in some ruralparts of the country; so now for our walk."

  "Dress as you may, Dunbar, you will never look like me!" repliedCaptain De Crespigny, as they lounged off together. "It was a problemof Euclid, which we settled at Eton long ago, and may demonstrate now,that A B C can never be equal to D E F. Good morning, ladies! _aurevoir!_ we must fly. In your society I resemble the gentleman we usedto read of in our school books, whose wings were melted because heventured too near the sun."

  The more Marion saw of Captain De Crespigny, the more astonished shebecame at the multiplicity of his talents for conversation, and at hisuniversal craving to be admired, while all the _petits soins_ which helavished on herself, she, as a matter of course, set down to hisextraordinary vanity, which could not allow the most insignificant ofmortals to escape his fascinations; but to have supposed his attentionsto be indications of love, she would have considered as absurd ablunder as to mistake an oyster-shell for an oyster.

  Captain De Crespigny sketched caricatures with inimitable humor, sungwith taste, and with every appearance of feeling, and his versatilityof powers in talking were almost incredible. He discussed scienceoccasionally with any blue-stocking, like a philosopher--looked dismalupon politics with members of Parliament--talked agriculture and fatcattle with country gentlemen--could describe the state of New Zealand,as if he had visited the country, to old ladies, with large families ofenterprising sons. He was musical with the musical, sentimental withthe sentimental, and apparently at home equally in poetry ormetaphysics. With a smile for one, a sigh for another, and a jest for athird, his small-talk for young ladies might be minced into thesmallest grains of sense or nonsense; while at the same time he couldeven get up a very plausible religious conversation, on the mostapproved model, when in company with any one like Marion, to whom hethought it might render him more acceptable. The true secret of CaptainDe Crespigny's almost universal popularity, lay in his appearing soflatteringly interested by whatever occupied the attention of others;and whether it were the last snowstorm, or a newly discovered star inthe firmament--an old pedigree or a new bonnet, he seemed equally readyto follow the lead of any young lady, being sufficiently delighted inhis own private mind, to imagine how every word he said, and every lookhe looked, would be afterwards treasured and remembered by those whomhe had no particular intention of remembering himself.

  Marion observed narrowly and anxiously Captain De Crespigny's conductto Agnes; but even her discernment, quickened by the most affectionatesolicitude, could bring her to no conclusive decision respecting hisintentions, though she could not but feel sanguine at one time, andjustly indignant at another, according as the thermometer of her hopesand fears rose or fell; yet she strongly suspected that Captain DeCrespigny was but indulging his own ambition--that he wished to bethought of and talked about--to become devotedly loved--to be necessaryto the happiness of another--to constitute that happiness for a shorttime, and then to destroy it as a useless toy, which had amused him foran hour, and might be broken without remorse. "How different! oh! howvery different from Richard Granville!" thought Marion, with a glowingsmile. "To him the peace of no living mortal is insignificant; and whenloved or trusted, who ever was so considerate, so totally unselfish, sofree from vanity and caprice! No Christian can doubt that happiness andprinciple are one."

  The name of any individual more than commonly interesting is apt tooccur often in conversation, _a propos_ to everything or nothing;and Captain De Crespigny's penetration very soon discovered, thatthe Granvilles were never heard of or mentioned by Marion withindifference; therefore being anxious to fathom her secret, and toascertain the extent of her intimacy with them, he tried the experimentone day, by professing an enthusiastic admiration for the extraordinaryeloquence of "Dick Granville!" in whom he appeared suddenly to havediscovered a thousand new and unheard-of good qualities, while withhumorous pertinacity he defended him from all the satirical cuts withwhich Sir Patrick tried to lower his importance in the eyes of Marion;but Captain De Crespigny, unconscious of the lead which he was expectedto follow, rattled on in his accustomed way,

  "Granville always was one whom nothing could spoil! So different fromyoung Meredith, who used one short month since to go about with a quietcountry-curate look, but since he has become rather popular in thepulpit, he enters a room with his chin in the air, and all theself-confidence of a great lion. Weak heads are easily intoxicated."

  "And people here do all in their power to ruin those they most admire,by very overdone adulation," added Agnes. "It would be a very strongfortress of humility that could withstand all the absurd mobbing whichMr. Granville has to undergo."

  "As Lady Towercliffe said to me yesterday, in her usual slip-slop styleof talking, 'Mr. Granville is so very eloquent, so benevolent, solearned, so pious, and has such a neat foot!'" continued Captain DeCrespigny, laughing. "Really, Dunbar! if you and I quarrel witheverybody better than ourselves, we shall find no one left to associatewith! I have but one weak side on earth, Miss Marion Dunbar, and it isthat of always standing up for the absent."

  "They very often require it; and whether in jest or earnest, I am gladyou do," replied Marion, finding herself obliged to speak, while herlook of agitated consciousness, occasioned a thrill of jealousy in theheart of Captain De Crespigny, which brought a sudden flush into hiscountenance; but he assumed a careless tone, to conceal his realfeelings, and turned to Sir Patrick, saying, "_a propos_ of absence,the Granvilles are never here now! I remember the time when that prettysister and my cousins were like the three graces, perfectlyinseparable!"

  At these words, Sir Patri
ck colored to the very temples; and instantlyafterwards becoming pale as marble, he stooped to pat his dog, and thenimpatiently whistled Dash, along with himself, out of the room first,and finally out of the house; while Marion's eye was turned towardsAgnes, with a deep and searching look of enquiry and astonishment.