by Kasey Krane
He was still going to send River away and that was probably for the best.
But now that he was dead and my opportunity to tell him the truth was gone; I regretted it. I could have told him when it still would have made a difference. I could have made him see reason, forced him to forgive me and forgot…not that I was expecting River to come back into my life.
A long time had passed, I was sure she had her own life now. She’d moved on. My only reason to tell Buck about my feelings for his daughter would be to vindicate myself in his eyes and even then, I would probably not have been successful in doing so.
As I entered the Church, all I could think about was all this. Everything that remained and would remain unsaid between Buck and me forever. The girl who got away. I still hadn’t met anyone like her. No other woman even came close to the way River had made me feel. Maybe it was just puppy love. Maybe things would be different if I met her now, and I was just holding on to this old image of her.
Whatever the real reason was for my feelings for her—all I knew was that it existed.
As I walked into the Church, I saw Rook and my sister there and I went up to them to talk. I desperately needed to get my mind off Buck and River.
***
Rook could sense something was off. He knew I was close to Buck, we were best friends, but I knew he could sense that my bad mood was down to something more. I must have looked like a man who was carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders.
He persisted in asking me questions; about Buck and his sister and if I was doing fine. Sure, I was still awkward about the fact that he and Tenley, my half-sister, were now in a relationship…but how I was feeling today had nothing to do with that and everything to do with the burden of my past.
But I couldn’t tell Rook. Nobody else in the MC knew about my relationship with Buck’s daughter and he made it very obvious that he wanted it to stay that way. So, despite Rook and I growing closer and closer over the years, I never told him the identity of the girl who had stolen my heart.
After we spoke for a while and it seemed like the congregation was getting ready for the service to begin; Rook, Tenley and I started to move towards one of the pews where we could sit together. I had managed to dodge all questions about why I’d taken the death of Buck this badly.
That was when the Church doors barged open and a beautiful woman with strawberry blond hair and large green eyes walked in. People turned to stare and I heard Tenley ask who that was.
I hadn’t seen River in seven years, but I would have recognized her anywhere. She was taller now; her curves had filled out more and when she walked her butt swung seductively behind her. Her sparkling eyes darted everywhere and I saw her stop to talk to Ace and then Edge.
I told them who that was.
“It’s Buck’s daughter,” I said and even then, Rook and Tenley had no idea why I was reacting to her that way. There was no point keeping it a secret from them any longer. They were family. They were the only people in the world I could trust, and I would need support now if River was going to be back in my life.
“She’s my ex,” I said.
If Rook was in shock, he had managed to hide it well.
I was in shock too. I had no idea anyone from the MC had called her in Texas. I didn’t think she was going to come. The impression I got about her was that he hated her dad for forcing her to leave. That she would never return to Las Vegas and she never wanted to see me again either.
As she was walking down the aisle towards one of the pews in the front, River’s gaze landed on me but only for a moment. It was electric. I could have jumped out of my bench and lunged at her, but she looked away from me quickly.
Nothing had changed. Time hadn’t healed anything. River still hated me.
***
I was jittery as I sat through the funeral. River may have looked away from me when she caught sight of me, but now she was sitting not too far away from me. Right in my line of sight.
“Your ex? What the fuck is that supposed to mean, man? You were seeing Buck’s daughter?” Rook was hissing those words at me while the Priest carried on with the service before us. What I had revealed to him about Buck and my relationship now took precedence over the funeral service.
I looked at Rook, glaring at him into silence and turned to look at River again. Or rather the back of her head.
Maybe she could sense my eyes were on her, because she shifted in her seat from time to time like she was uncomfortable. I wished I had the strength in myself to stand up and go over to her, to just touch her shoulder and force her to face me. I had the strength to open fire in a moment’s notice if I had to, but I didn’t have the courage to face River.
I’d seen the look of pure dismay in her eyes when she saw me. Like she was disappointed I was here. Like she was hoping she would never have to see me again.
I sat through the rest of the service, watching her closely, grateful that she couldn’t see me because I wasn’t sure how soon I could look into those eyes again.
I lost track of time as I stared at her. At some point, the funeral was over and everyone was standing up. Guys from the MC were coming over to shake each other’s hands and exchange condolences. All I had eyes for was keeping a watch on River. She was speaking to a few people, still sitting on the bench and shaking hands. She hadn’t yet turned to look at me again. I could sense she was taking a purposeful stance to keep her distance.
Maybe she was hoping she could get through this whole thing without having to face me once.
When I looked away from her and back towards Rook and Tenley, I saw that some of the guys from the MC had gathered around us. Ace, Edge, Shark and Bingo were there, discussing the funeral and Buck. Nobody was in the right state of mind. Nothing was making sense anymore. Shark didn’t even have the motivation or the courage to officially call for Church, even though the MC desperately needed a game plan.
Edge was the first one to point it out.
“We need to pay back for this shit. We have to avenge Buck’s death,” he said. That got everyone’s blood boiling. We were all on the same page about that at least. Buck’s death was not going to be forgotten, and neither were we going to take it lying down.
“We need a plan,” I said.
“What kind of plan? We’ve been trying to come up with something against Mr. Money for a while now. We’re losing out on intel every day!” Ace snapped. He was yet to fully recover from the death of his own brother. It was like each of us was broken now, and we had no idea how to fix ourselves.
“Well, first of all, we need a replacement for Buck. The MC needs direction, and desperately.” It was Rook who said that and the others remained silent. We all knew we were thinking the same thing. It was Shark’s responsibility to step up, but he wasn’t saying a word. We couldn’t force him to take up the Presidency if he didn’t want to, even if that was tradition.
After some silence had passed, Tenley, whose presence none of us had noticed; spoke up. She’d sensed the tension between us.
“Maybe you guys should give it a rest for one more day. Just talk about it tomorrow when everyone’s thinking straight?” she suggested.
We looked at each other and silently agreed to talk about this later. One of us was going to have to bring it up again if our MC was going to move on without Buck.
For the meantime, we were going to give it a rest like Tenley suggested. While the rest of the guys quickly fell back into conversation about Buck again, I noticed River walking past.
I had no idea where she was going or where she was going to stay, or if she was even staying in the city for much longer. All I knew was that if I let her walk away now I might regret it forever, I might never see her again.
River kept her head down, her black dress clung to her seductive voluptuous body as she walked quickly. She was wearing heels and I tried not to stare at her legs. Nothing about me gawking at River was appropriate today.
“River!” I called out to her just as s
he made it to the door of the Church. I hadn’t said that name aloud in seven years. Probably since the last time I spoke to Buck about her. It felt strange in my mouth, like a taboo.
For a moment I thought she wasn’t going to stop or want to talk to me, but then she did.
She’d stepped outside the Church, to the side, while people swarmed past her and me. I followed her outside too and stopped in front of her. I couldn’t believe she was actually looking up at me. This felt like a dream. It felt wrong just being in her presence because I could sense Buck watching us.
“I don’t want to speak to you, Spade, I’m going to leave now,” she said. Those were her first words to me, after all these years. She’d stopped in her tracks to tell me she was never going to talk to me again.
Chapter Three
River
I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going to talk to Spade and neither was I going to let him manipulate me. I shouldn’t even have stopped when he called out my name. I should have just kept walking.
Now he was staring me down, standing over me and once again I was reminded of how attracted I was to him. That attraction hadn’t changed even now. Only, he seemed taller and more muscular.
His eyes were still as blue and dangerous as the first day I saw him. His hair was chocolate brown and nowadays he kept it slick back and stylish. He was athletically built, with more tattoos on his arms and crawling up his neck than I remembered.
“River, I think we should talk,” he tried again, blocking my path but I stared up at him, sticking my chin out at him angrily. I was standing my ground, I wasn’t going to let him talk me into doing anything.
I knew exactly what he wanted.
He wanted me gone.
Just like he wanted me gone seven years ago when my dad forced me to leave. Now, my dad was dead and he couldn’t tell me what to do. And neither could Spade.
“I’m not going to talk to you. Step away so I can go. Now.”
I hissed. I wanted him to know I meant business. While he watched me, I crossed my arms over my breasts. My eyebrows were arched. His jaws were chiseled, his nose was sharp and narrow just like I remembered it. Everything about Spade oozed sex appeal—that bit hadn’t changed either. He was the first guy who made me unbelievably wet, and I could feel my stomach tightening with desire again. As much as I wanted to despise him, I couldn’t help those feelings of physical attraction creeping up at the same time.
I couldn’t deny the fact that Spade sparked something animal and chemical in me. I was hot under my dress. I could feel the back of my neck burning up. I just needed to hold myself together for a few more moments and…
Spade stepped aside. Without another word.
It worked! I had managed to control him, if only for a second.
I charged past him, rushing down the steps and running towards the car I’d left in the corner of the parking lot to the side. I didn’t have to turn to know that he was still watching me.
I could feel it in my bones, under my skin. I was covered in goosebumps as I started the car.
I was hoping I would not have to see him, but I thought I was prepared for it even if it happened. I just wasn’t expecting my body to react in this way to his presence.
But now I was in the car, I was safe again.
I didn’t dare to look in his direction. I just put the key in the ignition and started the engine. He didn’t deserve another glance from me. I was going to keep strong.
I started driving, backing out of the parking lot and finally out of the premises. Once I was sure I was safely out of his sight, I dared a look in the rearview mirror. Spade was gone. He wasn’t standing at the Church door anymore. Just like I expected him not to be. He just didn’t care.
All those years ago, when I was nothing but a foolish teenager in love; I had somehow convinced myself that Spade actually cared. That he actually was in love with me too. The way I was in love with him. But I had never been more wrong about anything in my life. Spade did not care.
Maybe it was all just an act for him. Maybe it was nothing more than a crush. Whatever it was, it wasn’t on the same level as me. I was kidding myself when I thought he was actually going to put up a fight for me.
Spade took my dad’s side in all of it.
As soon as dad found out about us that evening in the backyard, his attitude towards me changed completely. Suddenly, he was way more protective of me than before. He was constantly afraid that my life was going to be in danger. He specifically said that it was no longer appropriate or safe for me to remain in Las Vegas.
I didn’t understand what was going on or why dad was acting this way. Spade had warned me before that he would not take to our relationship kindly, but this behavior seemed like a gross exaggeration. Why was it not going to be safe for me to remain here?
Dad and I fought every day since that evening. And he banned me from seeing Spade and he grounded me in the house. What was even more frustrating was that Spade wasn’t trying to get in touch with me either. He didn’t try to sneak to the house at night or call me. Every time I managed to get a hold of the phone and call him, he never answered.
I was afraid that dad had done or said something horrible to him. So, we argued even more.
I could still picture every detail of that week now, as I drove the car in an unknown direction. Seeing Spade again had sparked up those memories I’d hoped I’d forgotten.
Of how mean I was to dad, and how unreasonable he was to me. It was the last time I saw him in person. He never came to see me in Texas and never let me return to Las Vegas. Our relationship was officially over. And why? Just because he’d caught me with a boy he didn’t approve of?
I didn’t realize that tears were now streaming down my cheeks again.
***
I parked the car on the side of the road because my mind was reeling. I could picture dad standing there, in the middle of the kitchen, his face red with anger because I was refusing to follow his commands.
“You are leaving Las Vegas. Two days, that’s all the time you have here!” he growled.
I still remembered that sick feeling in my stomach. He’d just told me he was sending me away to Texas, to go live with my mother—a woman I’d never seen. I didn’t even know what she looked like or if we would get along.
“I am not going. You can’t just force me to drop out of Senior year!” I yelled at him, screeching as loud as I could. Enough to chaff the back of my throat.
“We’ve made arrangements with the school there. You’ll transfer and finish Senior year there,” he answered and crossed his arms over his chest. Dad was not about to give in.
“You can’t do this to me! You can’t make me go!” I screamed and cried, at a complete loss. Dad had never behaved this way. I didn’t know he was capable of this kind of cruelty. Of breaking my heart like this. It still felt like a joke.
“It’s final, River. You’re leaving in two days. There is nothing you can do or say that will change my mind. I’m doing this for you.”
I ran out of the room and up the stairs, picking up the phone on the way up. I was still crying and my hands were shaking as I dialed Spade’s number. I hadn’t spoken to him in a week and I felt completely alone. But this time, he answered the call.
“Spade! Oh my God! Where have you been? You have to come get me. Save me. Dad is going crazy!”
I threw myself on the bed, covering my face with a pillow as I spoke to him.
“I can’t come and get you, River. You have to listen to your dad.”
Even though I was relieved to hear his voice; his words made me jerk up in bed.
“What is the matter with you? He wants me to leave Las Vegas and go live with my mother in Texas!”
I could hear Spade breathing heavily over the phone.
“Maybe that isn’t such a bad idea, River.”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like my throat was closing up. This was not what I was expecting to hear from him. Why were these people…
who I most trusted and loved…shoving daggers into my heart?
“You can’t be serious, Spade. Tell me this is some kind of a cruel joke!”
“This is for your own good, River. Your dad just wants what is best for you.”
“No! You’re supposed to fight for me. No matter what! No matter how he brainwashes you!” I was screaming again. I didn’t care if dad heard.
“River, please calm down.”
“How am I supposed to calm down when you are all just ganging up on me? I’m all alone here. Spade…I thought…I thought you loved me.”
I was pacing around the room. The phone was pinned to my ear. I was waiting for him to reply to that but he said nothing.
“Spade…”
“River, please, just go to Texas.”
“Do you love me?” I snapped.
“No, River, I do not love you.”
He said it so coldly. Like those words meant nothing to him. Like he didn’t’ even have to think about it.
I still remembered how that made me feel. Like someone had just pulled my insides out and I wasn’t even alive anymore.
***
With my hands still shaking, and the car parked on the side of the road, I dialed my best friend Marley’s number. She had been my only connection to Las Vegas in all these years.
We’d been best friends since kindergarten and even though I was forced to leave home and move away, we kept in touch. I hadn’t had a chance to call her before I came here; everything had happened so fast and in a blur.
“Hey, you!” she answered chirpily, totally unaware of what was going on in my life.
“My dad is dead,” I replied and couldn’t control the rush of emotions that came along with it.
“Oh my God, hun! Are you alright? When did this happen? How?”