by Kasey Krane
She blinked at me and then nodded. Finally, something had gotten through to her.
“Okay,” she murmured softly.
“Can we go back to my place now? You can see Marley in the morning.”
She nodded.
I reached for her hand and she let me hold it, and together we found our way out of the hospital into the cool evening. We found my bike park haphazardly outside and I helped her on. I knew she was still dazed, so I had to make sure she was tightly holding on to me before I took off.
I didn’t know what I could do to make her feel whole again, but I wasn’t giving up on her yet. I was going to make sure that she recovered from this, even if it meant taking drastic measures like sending her away again. I owed it to Buck to look after his daughter. He would have expected it from me. Maybe I was wrong, maybe River couldn’t handle being in Vegas and surrounded by the MC life.
Maybe Buck was right all along and he’d made the right decision.
***
We were back at my place and I led River into the kitchen so I could make her something hot to drink. She said she would prefer tea, and she still looked dazed. She’d barely said anything all the way to the house and now I was beginning to wonder if I made a mistake by telling her the truth about the MC and our problems with Mr. Money. Maybe I’d scared her unnecessarily. But in my mind, she had a right to know because her life had been put in danger because of it.
I made her the tea and she refused to sit down. She remained standing, cradling the mug of tea in her hands.
“How are you feeling now?” I asked her and she breathed in deeply.
“I don’t know how to feel, Spade,” she replied in a hollow-like voice. She didn’t sound like the same person I knew. This was her first brush with the reality of living a life like this. Maybe she was going to change her mind about being in Vegas…and as difficult as it would be for me to let her go after I just found her, I would willingly do it for the sake of her safety. Just like I’d done it once before.
I stared at her. Her clothes had blood stains on them, from holding Marley while she bled, but I didn’t want to point it out to River yet. She silently sipped her tea and there were long bouts of silence between us.
“I always thought dad didn’t know what he was doing. That he was cruel and selfish for sending me away. I just can’t imagine going through something like this seven years ago, when I was nothing more than a kid,” she said.
I nodded. I was thinking the same thing.
“Yes, Buck did what he thought was the best decision for you. You might not have had an ideal situation in Texas with your mother…”
She completed the thought for me.
“But it was safer than the situation here. I just wish that he had been honest with me from the start.”
“You wouldn’t have believed him,” I said and River looked at me. “Just like you couldn’t imagine it when I told you about the MC and the dangers involved earlier.”
Her nostrils flared. She knew I was right. When we first had this conversation about the MC, River was confident she could handle it. She was enthusiastic about being a part of it. She wanted to belong…but now that she had a taste of it, maybe she was changing her mind.
“I don’t blame you…” I said and she looked away from me, like she was feeling bruised. I took a few steps towards her, trying to get her to face me again. “I really don’t River. This is not what you’ve been prepared for. Being a part of this life was a voluntary decision for me. I choose to do this. You didn’t.”
She snapped her head around to look at me again.
“What are you trying to say, Spade?”
I could see she was hurt by what I was suggesting, but I needed to say it. I needed to put that thought out there so that she could decide what to do for herself.
“That it’s okay if you’re changing your mind about the MC and a life here in Vegas.”
“Are you saying that I’m too pussy to stay here?”
“That is not what I’m saying. Choosing to leave doesn’t make you a coward, River, it makes you smart.”
She stepped away from me like I’d physically hurt her in some way.
“You think I’m going to change my mind because of what happened today?” she asked. I was watching her intently, seeing the way she was shaking as she spoke. She needed something to calm her down, she was still suffering from the shock of everything that had happened today.
“All I’m saying is that I will understand if you do, and it’s completely fine if you do too. In fact, that was what Buck wanted for you and he always knew best.”
She ran a hand dejectedly through her curls. Her eyes were glistening with the hint of tears.
“I don’t believe you!”
“I’m just trying to look out for you…”
“This is insane!”
“River!” I said her name firmly, forcing her to look at me with surprise. Maybe I’d never said her name so commandingly before.
“You need to calm down. Now is not the time to pick a fight with me. You need to get out of those clothes. Take a shower. Just wind yourself down before we have another conversation.”
She was staring at me. I thought she was going to snap at me again, but instead she gulped and slowly nodded her head.
“Okay,” she murmured, like a wounded animal.
I stepped up towards her and placed my hands on her shoulders.
“Take a long hot shower, it’ll help,” I said and she nodded.
She turned from me, slowly, and walked out of the kitchen. I knew she knew her way around the house. I decided to wait in the kitchen. I didn’t need tea, I found beer in the fridge and started drinking some of that. This was not the kind of day I was expecting.
I didn’t even know what was happening with the guy we had in the clubhouse. If he’d talked or not. I knew that once the other guys found out what Mr. Money had done to Buck’s daughter; they were not going to have any mercy on him.
I knew I would also have to eventually face the guys with the truth about my relationship with River. A secret which Buck and I had been able to keep from them for seven years. Everything just seemed so complicated, but the most important thing was River’s mental and physical health. I just needed to know she was going to be fine.
***
When River returned to the kitchen after her shower, I’d already gone through two bottles of beer. She looked fresh and clean again and her hair was damp.
“I’m sorry, still no hair dryer for you,” I said with a dejected grin and she came around the table to stand closer to me. I could see she’d found an old shirt of mine which she was wearing. It seemed like that was all she was wearing.
“I don’t want to change my mind, Spade. I know you just want what’s best and safest for me, but I want to stay here. With you. In my hometown. I don’t want to keep running anymore.”
I looked into her eyes and I could see how sincere and firm she was. She’d already made up her mind.
“This wouldn’t be what Buck wanted for you.”
She sighed and shrugged.
“Well, dad didn’t seem to know me as well as he thought he did. He was right to send me away when I was younger, but I’m not a kid anymore and whether he likes it or not, the MC is a part of my DNA.”
I reached for her, placing a hand on her waist and she stepped closer to me. She was cradling my chin with both her hands now.
“I’m in love with you, Spade. I’ve always been in love with you and I’m not going to allow something like this to scare me off. I see a future with us together, do you?”
I put my bottle of beer down and stood up. I was towering over her and I wrapped my arms around her waist so I could kiss her. I kissed her forehead first and then the tip of her nose gently.
“I’ve always seen a future for us, River. Even when you were nowhere in sight. It’s always just been you.”
She giggled and jumped up in my arms, throwing her long shapely legs around
my waist. We were kissing, tenderly and slowly this time and I carried her out of the kitchen and to my bedroom.
I laid her down gently and started taking off my clothes. I watched as she snuggled herself under the covers, making herself comfortable in there. I knew I would be happy as long as I had the chance to come home to this every night.
I spread myself down beside her on the bed and she pressed our bodies together. She placed her head on my chest, listening for my heartbeat.
“I love you, River, and I promise I’m going to keep you safe every day,” I said and she nodded.
“I don’t doubt it, and if dad was here, he wouldn’t doubt it either. Something tells me that he would be happy for us.”
We were starting to fall asleep soon after that and it was exactly what we needed. A good night’s rest after the events of the day. Who knew what the next day had in store for us.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
River
When I woke up the next morning I was worried that the headache at the back of my skull would still be there, but I couldn’t feel it any longer. I blinked my eyes open and realized that I was covered in sweat. I’d been having bad dreams. I had flashes of it again now while I had my eyes open. I was being chased. Marley was screaming. I was calling out for Spade but he was nowhere in sight. Nobody was coming to save us. I could see dad too. He was saying I told you so…
I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes with my knuckles, trying to get the sleep out. I still felt tired. My body ached like I’d been doing some major heavy lifting the previous day. I figured it had to be the psychological effects and the trauma of what happened the previous day.
I looked at Spade sleeping beside me. His body was stretched out on the bed, taking up too much space and that made me smile. He was a big man, and he would always end up occupying a big part of my life. I knew that already.
Despite everything that happened yesterday, he looked so peaceful sleeping now, like nothing had touched him. Like this was nothing. What would it take for something like this to become such an integral part of my life? When being kidnapped and threatened and having your hands and mouth tied up and watching your friend getting shot becomes a part of your daily life?
I knew everyday life in the MC wasn’t as violent as that of course, but I couldn’t help but imagine it like that. Just because of how peaceful and content Spade looked while he slept.
Maybe this was what my dad was trying to save me from. From becoming complacent in this lifestyle, from this kind of an incident becoming a normal part of my everyday life.
I reached over and touched Spade’s face as he slept. He didn’t even move, neither did his eyelids flutter. He was deep in sleep. No matter what, the truth was that I was still in love with him. That would never change. I couldn’t imagine a life without Spade, now that I had found him again.
Was I willing to go through everything that happened yesterday, again and again to be with him? That was the question. Would I be willing to put my life on the line just so I could wake up in the morning beside Spade? That was the real decision I had to make. I’d told Spade last night that I decided already, that I didn’t want to run from the truth anymore, but was that really what I wanted?
I got out of bed and went in search of my clothes I’d put in the washing machine the previous night. The ones that were stained in Marley’s blood. I hoped the blood stains came off.
***
My clothes from yesterday were looking fresh and clean again. The blood stains were gone but I couldn’t get those images out of my head still—of having Marley lying limp in my arms.
Last night, after speaking to Spade—I thought I was going to be fine. I’d made my decision, I wasn’t going to run, I wanted to spend my life here in Vegas with him, but as I sat in his kitchen now with a fresh mug of coffee, I didn’t know if it was the right decision or not.
But hadn’t dad always tried to instill in me the importance of the MC as a family unit? Without ever revealing fully what the MC was involved in and what kind of family he meant; he always tried to reinforce the belief in me that the MC, the guys; would always look out for me.
At the time I didn’t know what he meant. Why would I need anybody else when I had dad? But now I could fully comprehend what he had tried to tell me. That even if he was gone and he wasn’t there to protect me—The High Rollers would always be there. I could always count on them.
I knew it was going to be dangerous. Spade had already warned me of that when he said he was planning on taking over for dad. He said that we were going to go through a lot of turmoil to find peace for the MC again. I just had no idea of the full extent of this turmoil and what he meant by it.
Not only was it going to be dangerous for me, but it was going to be dangerous for Marley too. Anybody I associated myself with was going to be at risk. Maybe I should be avoiding her, but now that I was thinking clearly again, I knew that would not be what she wanted.
She wouldn’t want me to do this alone anyway. And either way, the safest place for both of us was to stay close to the MC. To remain under their protection. There was no way we’d be able to defend ourselves alone. So technically, we had no choice till all this had blown over, and till the direct threat to our lives was over too.
I drank the rest of the coffee in the kitchen and then wrote down a note for Spade. I didn’t want him to worry about me when he woke up. I was going to the hospital to visit Marley.
Before I left, I checked in on Spade in the bedroom again. He was still fast asleep under the covers, hugging my pillow now. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw him. Just looking at his face seemed to make it all worth it. I wanted to go over and wake him up and kiss him, but he needed even more sleep than I did, so I just left.
***
Before I went to the hospital, I found myself back at our old house. I was constantly looking over my shoulder though, too afraid that I would be followed again. I knew that if Spade was awake he wouldn’t have let me travel around the city by myself. But just because there were some men trying to bring us down didn’t mean that I was going to give up my independence. No way was I going to lead that kind of life!
So, I turned up at the old house and went in, just to relive once more what it was like for me as a kid. I’d thought about this house and all its memories non-stop while in Texas.
I was walking through all the rooms, trying to imagine dad again and in the meantime, I dialed mom’s number. She hadn’t checked in on me yet and it didn’t seem like she would either. Did she even realize I wasn’t living in her apartment anymore?
She answered the phone after several rings. I didn’t even know why I was calling her. Maybe I just needed some closure, and maybe I needed more evidence of if there was anything left for me in Texas.
“River?” She sounded groggy when she answered the call and I figured she’d been sleeping, and she probably had a huge hangover now.
“How are you, mom?” I asked, coming to a stop at the sliding glass doors that led into the backyard.
“Perfect. Why wouldn’t I be? You didn’t come home last night?” She sounded surprised, like she was just noticing I wasn’t in the house. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
“I haven’t been back in several days. I told you I was leaving for Vegas. Dad died.”
What was I thinking? Why did I even think I needed proof? Mom had no idea where I was. She didn’t give a shit about anything other than her booze.
“Oh yeah, sure, right. Give him my best regards.”
I sighed. This phone call was pointless.
“I should go now, mom. I hope you find a way of taking care of yourself because I don’t think I’m coming back,” I said. Even though she was hungover, probably still very drunk—those words seemed to register. She had it pretty easy the last few years since I started living with her. She didn’t have to worry about the day-to-day responsibilities of staying alive.
“You’re not coming back? Why not? That’s unacceptable. Wh
at will your father say? I’ll have to call him and complain about your behavior!” She was beginning to screech into the phone now, like she was yelling at a little girl.
“Yeah, good luck with that,” I said and ended the call.
That was that. It was decided. There was nothing left for me back in Texas. I was an idiot to assume that there was anywhere for me other than here. This was where I belonged and the MC was my family. It was the legacy that my father had left me.
***
I arrived at the hospital and was told by the nurses that Marley was awake and well. I rushed down the hallways, hoping to see Edge standing outside her door but he was nowhere in sight.
I found my heart racing again. I was worried that something had happened to Marley, that Edge had not been able to handle the threat alone. I ran up to the door and through the glass window, I saw her lying on the hospital bed.
My hand rose up to my mouth in relief. She actually looked well. She was awake and smiling, in fact her face was glowing. She seemed to be talking to someone. I tried to look around the room and I saw Edge standing close to her.
He had his hands stuck deep in the pockets of his leather cut and he was smiling too. The two of them were making conversation…no! they were flirting!
I could see it in the way she was speaking to him. Even though she’d been shot the previous day and undergone surgery, she was blushing profusely. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen Edge this excited either. He, like Spade and most of the other guys I knew from the MC including my dad, was a man of few words. But he seemed more than interested in continuing talking to Marley.
I leaned against the door for a moment, just to catch a breath. I was so anxious that something had happened to her when I didn’t see Edge at the door. I wondered if this was what it was going to be like—every minute of every day, being a part of this world. Constantly worried about the people I loved and cared for.